Your Guide To The Authors
MH: Marcel Hillie - Looking for the Perfect Beat
DR: Dean Rasmussen - Looking the Mortal Remains Of His Liver.
PR: Phil Rippa – Huh?
TKG: Tom Karro-Gassner but you can call me Kevlar Moneyclips
PAS: Phil Schneider AKA J.R. Paperstacks

BACKSTORY
MH: If you’ve been around for the last couple of weeks, you know that the first Saturday in February is a new holiday around these parts - Support Your Local Indy Day. I celebrate by heading on down to Richmond to see a show put on by two DJs. There was that JAPW show up north, but this is less of a drive. I spurn the Saturday footy for this, but who really wants to see ScumUnited romp over Sunderland?

DR: My wife is smarter than me so she packed up the kids and went to my mother’s house for the weekend, to leave me alone to roll around in my own crapulence. SatanPro calls at 10:30 and we discuss the lunch possibility. I shower, shave, put on my Death Valley Driver Video Review t-shirt and my CLAWHOLD~! Shirt over top, lace up my Timberlands and wait. And wait. And wait. At 11:50, I decide, “The day of preposterous drinking BEINGS NOW!” I go to the Corner Market at Cleveland Street and Tilden and get the six of Guinness, six of the Molson Canadian, six of the Miller for the Playaz and the 40 of Cammo for when me and [mul]DOOMSTONE Ryan get to the point of no return in the shadowy and hoary world of the land of Booze. SatanPro shows up and I’m already on my second Guinness and Molson Black and Tan. There was a bar on Robinson Street that used to have Budweiser and Guinness B&Ts so I figured I would salute our Brothers Of The True North by using their idea of Budweiser. It was actually really good, as Molson can ape Harps like Triumph could ape Rush. We go to three Richmond area eateries - Vietnam Garden, somewhere and somewhere - and all of them are closed. I could see it if they were buffets - what with me and SatanPro being so imposing in out Robert Hughesesqe way and the merciless onslaught we could unleash on said buffet. Without the buffet excuse, I guess restaurants on the outskirts of town don’t get much Saturday lunch crowd. Anyway, we end up at Brother’s Italian on Broad St because I love their Cheese steak and order the same and their fabulous Onion Rings That Were Once Frozen In a Bag! I get two Coors also - because fuck, I wanna really fucking wasted on my day off with my wife and kids out of town. Pretty Pathetic, I know. What are you, my mom? SatanPro got the Chicken Parmesan and he was pretty indifferent to it. I think he shoulda gone with the cheese steak, but he is a punk rock rebel. We drive back to the house and I bust out the third B&T, which amounts to pretty much 8 beers before one o’clock. Ahhh, let’s toast one for stupidity….

MH: My ride down is completely uneventful, thanks to Rippa volunteering to pick up the Carless Wonders. I get to Dean’s and he’s there with SatanPro. I walk in and Dean’s well on his way to getting shitfaced. He then presses a Miller into my hand. Rippa calls to give Dean a Tardiness Update. Apparently Schneider held the guys up. No, that’s not like him at all. We all watch some T2P. Damn, those rookies can go. The rest of the boys show up and the conversations go even lower. I had a slight headache this day for some reason and I’d like to thank young Ryan for breaking out the medicine that cleared it right up.

TKG: I wake up in the morning after a night of getting preposterously drunk and twisted. I don’t so much shower, so much as towel off… and head over to Schneider’s carrying a large water bottle. Rippa shows up and I begin to worry about the combined Phil vocal volume in a car. And we’re off.

PR: I had told Phil and Tom that I would pick them up at 1:30. I arrive at 1:45 to find that Schneider just waking up and hosing himself down. “I thought we were going to sit around and watch wrestling for awhile.” It takes 8 years to get out of the city as the wonderful road crews of DC close EVERY MOTHERFUCKING ROAD OUT OF TOWN!!!! Tom is hungover and needing to take a piss.

PS: I was finishing off taping Dixie vs. Elax for Dean which is a good match which all of you should watch. Rippa forgets the Chris Hero tape he promised me, as the conspiracy to keep Ian Rotten off the DVDVR 500 continues.

TKG: I offer to piss in a bottle in the car so that we could make better time. Rippa establishes a “cock inside pants at all times while in the car” rule. We stop off so that I can piss and buy some V8. We call Dean who has started drinking.

DR: Ryan busted out other medicine later that cleared up some things for me - like my spiritual relationship to the cosmos, a sudden urge to listen to “Terrapin Station” and my need to eat a lot of snacks. The T2P guys fucking rule. They may be the best batch of Ultimo trainees yet. Get the tape from young Owen O’Connor. We sat around and pounded the blutarskis as Schneider finally produced the Sherri Martel in IWA-MS and- fuck the world- she is frickin HOT as Georgia asphalt now.  We all feel dirty but not too dirty to not rewind a few times.

TKG: We bring the IWA-MS. Everyone is suitably awed by the hotness of 2002 Sheri Martel. If Devil Masami is reading this, don’t worry honey… I only have eyes for you and your sweet sweet middle aged thighs. Mmmm. Devil and Sherri…I think I need to be alone with my thoughts.

TKG: Sheri isn’t the only cool thing in IWA-MS of course. Then everyone is awed by the greatness of CM Punk the Straightedge wrestler with the X’s on his hands. His Positive Force RULES!!!!! I think Dean starts booking the Cm Punk/Obacchi the vegan grocer mixed tag team. Having grown up in DC in the late 80s, I explain the white subcultures to Marcel “It’s a subculture built on guys who can’t find a good fake ID”.

PS: CM Punk is quite the generic indy wrestler with world’s greatest freaking gimmick. We also watch Ian Rotten vs. Todd Morton in a thumbtacks match which was amazingly good for a Ian Rotten garbage match. Todd Morton is inexplicably great now, who would have thought.

TKG: Dean is suitably drunk. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Dean mime “I’m blowing a giant load of jizzim all over the room”. That image is permanently burned into my mind. Must erase. Must erase that image from my mind. Think happy thoughts, happy thoughts, “Ooh…Devil, why yes, I have been a bad boy, how can I earn your and Sherri’s forgiveness… Sherri sweet sweet Sherri, a little lower Devil please. Yeah that’s the spot”. . AARGGH DEAN PUT THE SHIRT BACK ON!!! DAMN can’t erase image from my mind.

PR: Schneider alerts the room to not become “those guys” who we all hated in college. You know – the ones who could quickly kill the buzz in the room. I second the notion. Dean was too drunk to care though.

MH: We get going for BBQ. I end up driving Dean, SatanPro and Ryan. Like last time, I must mention that I’m a cruel owner to my poor car. I mean, I’m not small or anything, but my car’s used to me by now. Ryan gets in and everything’s okay. Then Dean and SatanPro get in at the exact same time and I think I can hear my shocks cursing me out. I need to become a Carless Wonder so I can get out of driving sometime.

TKG: Apparently Bugs Meanie was up to no good so Encyclopedia Dean split us off and we were off to Dunn's barbecue to solve the Case of The Lost Richmond Raceway.

PR: BUGS MEANIE~! That was it. Way to go Tom. If ever a picture should have been taken, it should have been of Dean’s “stepping out on the town” ensemble.

DR: I would have driven but my wife had the car and all I had was the company truck and I was really really really really motherfucking drunk. Marcel’s car was the unhappiest car in the world. It was kinda like we were Dusty Rhodes as the Triple Midnight Rider and his car was the iron Diablo! I got ooone mooooooore silvah dollllahhhhhh…... [mul]DOOMSTONE is all dejected because does not sport the girth of his three carmates and is filled the Shame Of The Thin. We scoff and laugh our bitter burly laughs.

PR: I am trying to figure out how Ryan was in two cars at once because he was most assuredly riding shotgun with us. Despite none us knowing were we are going, we arrive way ahead of the Fat Boys and we order our BBQ. We make up lots of jokes about what exactly caused the other car to be really late. And it all turns out to be true.

PS: With Marcel, SatanPro and Dean in one car, Alushe couldn’t have fit with them, much less a normal sized person like Ryan.

TKG: After chowing down my first sandwich , I go back for a second. The proprietor takes one look at my face and gives me seven more napkins than he did the first time. And we’re off to solve the Mystery of the Lost Richmond Raceway.

PS: I also had two sammiches, fine BBQ although I prefer Memphis BBQ to Carolina BBQ,

MH: Dunn’s is some fine Richmond BBQ and we all buy a lot. Dean and Ryan then go off for some special moments by themselves. Remember how we got completely, hopelessly lost going up to the MCW show? We get even more lost here. But on the positive tip, we did get to see rough-and-tumble Urban Richmond. We eventually make it there and Schneider jumps on Dean’s back immediately. Not the best idea at this point, as Dean’s been into his cups quite a bit and is pretty much drunk.

DR: I always get the minced pork. I should be adventurous. Not that the minced pork didn’t rock the world with it’s funky beat. Me ‘n’ Ryan go to fucking WALGREEN’S in fucking MECHANICSVILLE motherfucking VIRGINIA (home of rad motherfucker PATRICK motherfucking HENRY who said, “Give me liberty or give me DEATH!” so IIIII could drink malt liquor in the backseat of a car) and they don’t have the COURTESY to have big bottle of MALT LIQUOR!?!?! To hell with you, Walgreen’s. To HELL with you. You disgust me. We then force the Manly Hugeness Mobile to stop at the SEV so [mul]DOOMSTONE and I can both get a 20 ounce of Steel Reserve- 8.1% alcohol quasi-Malt Liquor in the punk rock can. When we all go to Ottawa in August, I will present Ollie with the can of Steel Reserve and he will present me with the can of Mongoose Malt Liquor and then we will have a hundred more years of peace between our nations. The getting lost thing was funny. When you need to drive around, you should always get the two guys who are 50 times more drunk than anyone else to be in charge of directions.  The thing was that in a normal state of consciousness, I could probably figure out where we needed to go - in that I can easily remember how to get to both locations (Dunn’s Barbecue, RIR Raceway) from my house. But from the nebulous area of Mechanicsville Turnpike to the even more nebulous State Fariground/RIR area, I opted to go back to where I definitely knew how to get there. We didn’t get lost, Rippa’s car got lost. We just took the long way.

PR: I have the tasty Minced Beef sandwich with Cole Slaw. MMM.... Cole Slaw. I decided to not get a second sandwich as I didn’t want to have to take a dump in the Raceway toilets. There is not enough bandwidth in the world for me to write my rant against Dean who insisted he knew the way to the Raceway which turned out to be three blocks away. I think my exact quote was “I will now take directions quicker from Schneider than I will Dean.”

TKG: We first have to go deep into the Richmond ghetto to search for clues and to score some loveboat. I think Encyclopedia got carjacked at least twice.  Our next clues are located near the college party section of Richmond. Sally asks Encyclopedia “Hey I thought we were looking for wrestling? What are we going to learn by snooping around these whitecaps and ravers?” Surprisingly Encyclopedia can’t solve this case. Instead, it's Ryan who puts all the clues together and announces “FUCK , THAT’S WALGREEN’S RIGHT THERE!!! FUCK!!!!!”

PS: After taking a tour of the scenic heroin dens of Richmond VA, we drive directly past Dunn’s a good 40 minutes after we left there. I rue the day we picked the two drunkest jackasses among the group, split them up and put them in charge of directions.

PR: I also need to take a moment to apologize to Ryan yet again for referring to him as Mark at least 5 times during the car ride.

MH: We get there and I run into Mack, a friend of Mack’s, and some young hotshot lawyer type guy. He seems to know me, which is weird, because I just got that paternity suit sett……uh, never mind. Anyway, I don’t know this guy, but then he tells me that he’s Justin Slotman. WTF? THAT’S JUSTIN? He’s all cleaned up, shaven and everything. He introduces me to lady friend and I’m really, really happy for Justin. All the best, young man. Now invite us to your wedding so we can give you a proper bachelor party.

TKG: The wrestling show was part of a car show and I am disappointed since I love such things. As a youth like every other child, I was awed by two machines: the Zamboni and the truck/tractor pull weight sled. The zamboni has lost its allure but I still mark out whenever I watch the weight redistribute on a sled. In the parking lot, I was introduced to Raven Mack and Acehole. Mack is very very low key and mellow. I never got to talk to Ace about his thoughts on the Delta Rhythm Boys and why their gospel tunes are their least spiritual numbers.

DR: That was fucking weird walking right up to Mack and Ace like that, the moment we step out of the car. Mack is now absolutely essential for all wrestling roadtrips anywhere. Slotman was All-American and clean-cut. The next day we went to McLean’s for the Biggest Breakfast in Town and then I showed him the coolest thing in Richmond- Hollywood Cemetery. I’ve been there a hundred times but these time was super creepy because as we were driving, “Goldust Woman” by Fleetwood Mac came on the radio. Mid 1800s cemetery in the overcast daylight as we slowly pass the rows on of obelisks and giant mourning angels as Stevie Nicks voice comes in over the Lindsey Buckingham guitar. It was spooky and cool.  I also hadn’t noticed all the Pagan symbols everywhere in the 1880s tombstones. That place is just fucking cool.

PR: I am stoked to see Justin and I proceed to forget the name of his lady friend immediately after he tells me. Damn that Pabst. I pester him plenty to make sure he will be putting in an appearance at the Super 8. Tim Noel and Dean tell me that this is a fairly good crowd for Richmond. Plenty of seats all around and none of them bad. After waiting inline to get some booze, we settle in to watch us some wrestling.

TKG: I also didn’t recognize Slotman. He was dressed like Dr. Magnus, I expected Tin and Steel to be seated with him. YES they serve beer!!!! Yeah!! Ricky Morton is there and looks younger than he did two years ago. Also Morton is wearing a “38 Special” T Shirt!!! ROCK N ROLL!!! ROCK N ROLL!! I’m STOKED!! ROCK N ROLL!!!

THE SHOW
CHRIS HAMRICK vs. NOVA
MH: I’d like to point out that Drunken Dean + $3.00 Pabst on draft = Really Drunken Dean. Anyway, everyone was incredulous at the fact that I’d never seen Chris Hamrick wrestle. I now understand why, as he’s a really fun worker. Plays good heel, and will die in front of a couple hundred people in Richmond, VA. The other guy? He was okay, too. Nowhere near as bad as he usually is. Some of his punches still looked bad. But the match on a whole was good, except for the springing up from taking someone finisher to hit your finisher. Argh. Nova with the Air Raid Crash/Bitch Slap/Kryptonite Krunch. Chris Hamrick kicks ass.

DR: Hamrick fucking rules. I think Ryan and I scared him after the match when we went up to him in total mouth-breathing rube mode and were screeching, “Man, you fucking RULE!” Hamrick takes that bump between the first and second rope that made me think… think to myself, “Is he fucking CRAZY?” Hamrick with the fake punch behind the ref’s back to get the Southern Heel Heat was stupendous. Nova looked good in this and I told him afterwards.

PR: We will get to the Dean meets Nova story later but this match was easily the best Nova match that I have seen in a LONG time and I watch way more Nova then any sane man should. But he has the abs and he pouts his lips and….. MMM…. NOVA…. Anyhoo, Hamrick is amazing. He throws amazing punches and takes giant bumps. He is supposed to be the heel but I would say he was more a tweener as our entire section is in full drooling fanboy mode and Hamrick plays to us. Plus as either Tim or Bryan said “The guy with the Confederate Flag on his back is never going to be a heel in Richmond.”

TKG: Hamrick comes out and we all mark out. Hamrick RULES!!! Nova comes out and we start our anti-yankee chants. Hamrick does this great bit where Nova has him in the corner. The ref goes to separate the two, and Hamrick smacks his hands together (think false tag) and drops to the ground to pretend that Nova punched him. It’s a brilliant genius bit. Of course it really isn’t believable in the context of this match. I mean if Nova really throws a punch, not much chance of it actually making contact. This is actually a bit unfair since Nova throws better punches in this match than I have ever seen from him before. His kicks still suck and the rest of the dancing is laughable…but still this is the first time I have ever seen Nova where he wasn’t the worst worker on a card. HAMRICK RULES!!

PS: I was looking forward to this match as basically Hamrick is a redneck Tijuana Psychosis, as he doesn’t actually need an ambulatory opponent to have a great match. NOVA doesn’t actually stink which is shocking and does some stuff I thought was cool. The end was one of those NOVA sequences where it looks like he sketched it out on a dry erase board before the match, but that is a small problem. Lodi must have stolen his needle as he actually looked less gassed then he did in FMW. If this was 1986 this would have been Brad Armstrong vs. Buddy Landell and would have been a little better, but Budro wouldn’t have taken that insane bump.

Q-SIC vs. MADD MAXX
MH: Hey, I remember Madd Max from OMEGA. This match was right there. Don’t remember too much, aside from Maxx’ urgent need to buy bigger pants. Q-Sic looked like HHH’s younger brother, HH. He won with something. After the match, Lodi comes out to have a chat, but first runs around the ring to slap hands. Then he blows up and sits down for a bit before completing his trip around the ringside area and getting into the ring. All that Vitamin HHH does wonders for the stamina, I tell ya. Then Corino comes out and does the heel micwork which conflicts with the fans desire to cheer him. After a little chitchat, they start fighting and it gets broken up, they fight TONIGHT, etc, etc. Someone tell me again how Lodi got the book here.

DR: This match wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t really good. I was feeling really good though and the crowd was pretty hot so I was having a good time. Guys in front of me have a superswank Ultimo Dragon mask. I corner him in the bathroom and he told me that he got it in Tijuana. It was during this match that everybody started plying everybody with alcohol - as if it was everyone’s mission to get everyone a little drunk. Jesus, that was a lot of Pabst - which is about what you want to get in the wrestling frame of mind. As opposed to a driving or thinking frame of mind.

PR: Q-Sic’s pants are made of duct tape. He should have been wrestling Cham Pain but another wrestler learns to not play pickup basketball. I spend my time making fun of the ref who looks like Super Porky. Dean forgot to mention that the other guy had a La Parka mask.

PS: The hypothetical 1986 NWA houseshow I am comparing this too, would have had Krusher Krushchev vs. Jimmy Valient in this spot, and this was better then that would have been, it wasn’t better then much else though.

TKG: This had some nice bits. Both guys had an annoying way of executing and selling stuff well for a bit and then doing something really ugly and disappointing immediately after. Q-Sic would throw nice looking punches followed by a crappy clothesline, etc. Two steps forward and one step back. The ring is way way over miced. Every bump creates this giant reverb sound. Mad Maxx hits a really sweet looking top rope elbow drop. Q-Sic zenjos Maxx’s finisher, popping right up before hitting his own. I wonder what Mad Maxine looks like right now. hmm let me close my eyes and try again…. Devil , Sherri AND Maxine…nope still can’t get evil image out of my head.

PR: I think it was here but it could be after the next match but Lodi came out to do some mic work. And he looks exactly like Perry Saturn now. Not very good at wrestling, shaved head, gassed out of his mind. Steve Corino comes out to setup the main event.

TKG: I had already seen the WWA PPV so I was prepared for the gassed to his gills Lodi. He came out to Welcome to the Jungle and was out of breath before the chorus. I would have much rather have seen Cheetah Master. Whatever you think of Sandman at least I never saw him blow up this badly during his long entrances, and he was smoking cigarettes so he would have had an excuse for the poor cardio. I started cracking up when Lodi no longer had the strength to slap five with kids.

PS: Lodi must have athletic asthma, he should get an inhaler.

OTTO SCHWANZ vs. ROADKILL
MH: Tim clues us in that Otto’s gonna give this whole wrestling thing one more chance before packing it in. Well, he looked in great shape here, if nothing else. Roadkill, less so. I never got the big deal about Roadkill, but then, I didn’t watch the dying days of ECW, so maybe he had a ***** match with Jack Victory or something. Otto cheated to win.

DR: This match sucked. Schwanz was disappointing. Roadkill was stinky. I couldn’t drink enough to like this.

PR: Your basic fat guy match. Otto wears tights that are way to tight. I think Dean ordered me to buy him a beer during this match.

TKG: Okay, the reverb here was going full blast. Sometimes it wouldn’t stop between bumps so you’d get neat overtones. If you closed your eyes and didn’t watch the match, you could convince yourself that Link Wray and the Raymen had reunited in Richmond. It was great: RUMBLE BABY!!! The match couldn’t live up to the tune.

PS: In 86 this would have been Mighty Wilbur against Big Bubba Rogers, this was better then that I guess, but good golly did this stink. Otto is a worker I have liked in the past, but he looked as bad here as when he almost killed Bobby Burnette on the first OMEGA show we went too. Not good at all.

CHRISTIAN YORK/JOEY MATTHEWS vs. RED/JOEL MAXIMO
MH: Julio Dinero has found his calling. Not surprisingly, it’s out of the ring. He worked as manager for the SATs here. Now this naturally meant that the SATs were working heel, which we did our best to circumvent by cheering like mad. We turned pretty much out side of the audience for them. But Dinero bumped well and had the whole heel thing down. Matthews is right there. York sucks as much as he did when I saw him work in a dingy bar in Alexandria, VA five years ago. I actually wouldn’t mind seeing SATs work heel some more. All that dastardly heel stuff gets you nowhere in the end, as York and Matthews go over. Rippa starts crowing about York stealing his gloves or something.

DR: Red took the freaky dives and we partied and rejoiced. We started a few “S-A-Ts” chants because- fuck it - this same crowd cheered the Horsemen fifteen years earlier, so it wasn’t like we were ruining the kids’ goodtime. Christian York did nothing. Mathews looked good. I second the Julio Dinero Manager idea.

PR: Jesus. Christian has these purple rubber gloves that run all the way past his elbows. Looks like the World’s Worst Gay Stripper. Matthews has had this weird progression in his wrestling crew were he couldn’t punch, then he could and now he is going back to his not knowing how to throw a punch past. This was perfectly fine wrestling. I got special enjoyment out of the Richmond folks getting to see some fresh blood like the SATs live and Bryan and Ryan were all sorts of happy.

TKG: Christian is working some kind of odd proper Southern debutante gimmick with elbow length gloves. Was he serving tea backstage? I ask Tim, “Is Christian doing a Jackie Onasis gimmick?”. Red and Joel worked heel with Dinero as their manager. They were fun as a heel team. Dinero works well as manager taking a big apron to floor bump, also there when Red does a dive to floor which Mathews catches and then pitches Red into Dinero. There was a preposterous spot where Joel “accidentally” tombstones his own partner. I hope they never do that spot again, just bad… Unlike MCW Mathews spent most of the time in the ring for his team and I, in general, liked his work. This was tons better than all four’s MCW work on Wednesday.

PS: I dug this match, I think it would work better with Jose and Joel as heels as Red is hard to buy as a Rudo, being all flashy and tiny. Dinero was great and this is the only time he hasn’t detracted from a card I have seen him on. I don’t get Christian York, I thought the gloves looked like he was going to inseminate a cow, that would be a knarly finisher. In 1986 this would be the Fantastics vs. The Midnight Express and would be a million times better, but this was still really fun and probably the best match on the card.

INTERMISSION
MH: Dean’s had a metric ton of Pabst by this point, but wasn’t acting as piss drunk as I thought he was. So I make a little bet with Dean. I offer to buy Dean yet another beer if he goes to get this model-type chick who’s signing autographs (Miss NWA 2002, I come to learn) to sign his stomach. Dean then calmly walks up to this lady and exposes his stomach to the world. Give her credit, she took it in stride and signed it. I buy Dean another beer. I buy bottled water. Tom buys a picture with Ricky Morton.

DR: That was great. I was just standing there, trying to figure where the fuck Jeremy Soria was. I was going to ask him about the Glory Of PLINKO or something. Cel goes, “I’ll buy you a beer if you get her to sign your stomach.” I figured it was easy money. What woman wouldn’t want to see the majesty of a great American gut? I ask her, figuring biker boyfriends would beat me with chains and kick my teeth in. EN LIEU: I swear she must sign fifty fat guys stomachs a week at truck shows across the South or something because she didn’t bat an eyelash. I decide that any woman that cool is so the first ever Miss Death Valley Driver. We’ll all chip in and buy a sash and tiara. She was great. Mmmmmmm…. Pabst….

PR: I joked that Dean’s wife would come home on Monday to find Dean passed out on the couch naked, with the dogs licking his face and his belly would still be signed because he hadn’t showered. Anyway – it is at this point were there was a lot of mingling going on with the wrestlers. Which I absolutely hate. A drunken Ryan wonders over to Red and blathers about the DVDVR liking him and he says “Yeah, I know.” I wanted to shoot myself. Tom, meanwhile, has gotten the worst picture possible taken of him and Ricky Morton.

PS: I compliment Corino on his match with Hashimoto and he tells me and Tom that Hash should be coming back to the US soon. He also says he liked the way his match with Kyohi Sato turned out in Zero One, and I need to track down that tape. I also chat with my old pal Cham Pain, who is out of retirement and running a wrestling school in his back yard. He was the ring announcer for this show which gave it a great southern atmosphere as no one sounds more North Carolinian then Cham Pain. Dean drunkly chats with our friend NOVA, this is second hand but I think it went something like this

DEAN: HEY YOUR MATCH WAS PRETTY GOOD TONIGHT, I USUALLY HATE YOU BUT IT WAS GOOD

NOVA: Thanks I have been working out

DEAN: YEAH IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE OF HAMRICK, BUT FINE MATCH. I AM DEAN RASSSMUSSEN OF THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER

NOVA: That Death Valley Driver

DEAN: YEAH, GOOD MATCH.

JACK VICTORY vs. RICKY MORTON
MH: I saw this exact same match a couple hundred times on NWA Wrestling on Saturday nights growing up in Detroit. That isn’t a bad thing - they know what works for them and what doesn’t. Threw work an armbar for a while, there are some punches, there’s some booking, you know how this goes. Corino comes out and distracts the ref, bootshot on Morton, Victory wins. Fine 80’s match. Morton goes right back to hawking Polaroids.

DR: This is when I became a visitor to the Land Of Sketchy Memory. I had drank a whole lot by this point. Really. It was a LOT. I was halfway to the Kennedy Compound.

PR: Phil and Tom have to towel themselves after this match. They seem less than pleased that I didn’t enjoy the match. It was right there. But I could close my eye and replay the match several times over interchanging numerous wrestlers to replace Morton and Victory. This was Wrestling 101.

TKG: I was somewhat worried about this since during the intermission I watched Victory seem to walk with a limp. Jack Victory threw surprisingly good punches and a big shoulder tackle. Morton leans way into the punches. Morton also leans way into a shoulder tackle and gets thrown hard by it. Morton sells like he was Ricky Morton. ROCK N ROLL! ROCK N ROLL! In the Rock n Roll Express , while Gibson could roll out the second rope German, Morton had a less flashy offense: a couple varieties of ranas (all better than Momoe's), back drops, take downs, arm based submissions, pressure holds and digital manipulation. The size of Victory limited him to take downs submissions and pressure holds. Victory bumps for the takedowns and Morton can convincingly put on the super old school pressure holds. Rock N ROLL!!! ROCK N ROLL!!!! Corino comes in to distract ref while Victory gets the boot to hit Morton and steal the win. Fun match that exceeded my expectations.

PS: This was really good, the fact that the match was exactly the same as it would be in 1986 is a good thing. That was a great match in 1986 and these guys are 16 years older then they were back then. Victory bumps and throws good punches and looks great. Morton is an ageless wonder.

PEDRO WANG vs. LITTLE GUIDO
MH: We immediately start trying to guess who this Pedro guy it. We start thinking Red, but it’s not him. We tell Tim to go find out for us. Match isn’t much, Guido looks like crap here. Pedro has some okay stuff, but nothing to write home about. Goofy booking with Pedro, who seems to be afraid of heights. When his manager Toad (who looked to be wearing his grandmother’s housecoat) finally gets him up to the top, he flies right into a Guido Waki-Gatame for the submission. Two days later, and the most I can remember about a match is its finish. That should tell you something.

DR: I wasn’t too drunk to realize that this sucked. This match made no sense.

TKG: Dean was drunk enough to mistake Toad for Skandor Akbar, which made me laugh. I amused myself during the match by trying to convince Dean that they had shrunk Devastation Inc. This match was bad and never seemed to end. For some reason Guido decided to let Wang dominate the offense with Guido getting only quick hope spots. The match made no sense. Shitty.

PR: Why didn’t someone clue me in on the Devastation Inc. chat? Dammit! GARY YOUNG! DADDY!!! Wang was doing this weird thing were he acted like he was scared of heights so there were these amazingly long periods of stalling where Wang and Toad fought over him climbing to the top. Whoever the Wang guy was (who I spotted after the show but didn’t recognize) he landed on his head a couple of times. I have seen Guido in much better matches.

PS: They worked this match exactly the way they would work a Crash Holly vs. Albert match on Heat, if Crash was going to go over. Albert would toss around Crash and do a comedy spot or two, and then toss him around some more. Crash would get a hope spot, and then win on a fluke, when Albert’s little dance move backfired. Of course playing the role of Albert is a guy who is 5’2 117 pounds, so the match was incomprehensible and crappy. 1986 NWA wouldn’t run anything like this.

LODI vs. STEVE CORINO
MH: Lodi as lead babyface. Okay. Personally I viewed this as a chance for Corino to really impress us by getting something out of this roided sack of crap. And guess what? He did. I didn’t hate this match at all, and it was all due to Corino doing all the heavy lifting. As you could guess, they was booking, with 17 ref bumps, Victory coming out, boots coming off, chairs getting thrown into the ring, Abdullah the Butcher coming out in a gift box, Barry Windham giving Corino his father’s saddle, etc. Eventually, Lodi DDTs Corino on one of said chairs doe the win. More booking follows, as CW Anderson comes out to help beatup Lodi. Ahem. You have CW Anderson right there. Why was he not working the show? Anyway, Morton comes in to help Lodi, but gets beat up a bit, too. So we’re looking at Corino/CW Anderson vs. Morton/Lodi, huh? Three out of four ain’t bad, right? Right?

DR: I think I was talking to Justin, Mack, Ace and Ryan for most of this match. I dunno. LODI assuming the roll of Scott Steiner couldn’t hold my interest as much as the folks sitting next to me. LODI looked like he had been microwaved for 45 minutes he was so swollen and gassed out of his ass. Corino rules but I was too pasted to notice the subtleties.

PR: I got pissed at the fact that CW was at the show and didn’t wrestle. You couldn’t have him wrestle Q-Sic? Lodi is so so terrible right now. Corino throws great punches and Victory is a really good second. That is about what I remember from this. Actually, I also remember Ricky Morton trying to make the save and then going straight to the back so he can bilk a few more bucks out of the fans.

TKG: Steve Corino continues to impress. Delivering bigtime to make Lodi look good. Corino is the real goods. Late in the match Victory comes in to hit Lodi with the boot. This only gets a one and a half count. Morton lost to the boot earlier in the night. Ricky Morton is a multiple time NWA tag champion. Lodi is “the driving force behind Wrestleforce”. Lodi no selling the same boot that he had beat Ricky Fucking Morton just disgusts me. Kobashi’s selling has never disgusted me this way. No selling the boot was completely inexcusable. Despite that I still thought it was a good match. CW Anderson, Victory, and Corino announced themselves as the “Xtreme Horsemen”. I assume this will set up a Corino/ Anderson vs. Morton/Lodi card down the road. I wish it were Morton/Hamrick, or Anderson/Hamrick vs. a face Corino/Morton. Still there is more than enough talent in a Corino/Anderson vs. Morton/Lodi match to hide the Lodi.

PS: Lodi is awful, I hope WWA takes off, so he will work full time for them and get replaced by anyone else in Wrestleforce. This was Flair vs. a less mobile Luger with worse Cardio. Corino continues to prove he is a world class worker, by actually making this match fun. The run in at the end was neat too, and I actually want to see the next show, which is what an angle should do.

EPILOGUE
PR: Nova brags about going to Zero-One and calls Ryan a hick.

TKG: Ryan goes out for a cigarette and sees Nova. The following is how I imagine the conversation between Ryan and Nova.

Ryan: Hey your punches have improved a lot lately.
Nova: Thanks I’m working on it. Going to Japan.
Ryan: You’re trying work in Japan?
Nova: I’m going to be in Zero-One later this year.
Ryan: You? In Zero-One? Well…I don’t know about that….
Nova: Well you’re just a hillbilly.
Ryan: That’s true.

MH: Rippa doesn’t want to have the Schneider and Tom in his car any longer, so he invents a story about having to get back to DC so he can “rest up” for a “Super Bowl Party.” Right. We hang out at Dean’s and watch some more T2P, Dixie vs. Elax, and some 83 Florida with Kevin Sullivan spouting Satan-worshipping stuff. He has Luna Vachon with him in his stable. Boy, did he ever trade up later on. We eventually get going back to DC. I was really tired, but Schneider suggests a bite to eat and mentions a 24-hour Korean BBQ place. I’m up for anything new and was feeling a little peckish, so I said sure. We then proceed to comb every square inch of beautiful Annandale, Virginia looking for this place. We’re about reading to call off the hunt and tap out for IHOP or something as we decide to see if the cashier at this 7-11 knows where the place is. I would hope so, because it’s right next door. We proceed to destroy some Korean BBQ at 2 AM amongst the Beautiful People.  I eventually make it back to my place and watch the US beat Costa Rica to win the Gold Cup. Great day spent with friends; the wrestling is almost secondary to the hanging out, really.

TKG: The 24 hour Korean place is great as it is actually a legit fancy restaurant. We look like filth. Like gutter filth next, next to everyone else in the restaurant. Its 3 in the morning. If you are going to a barbeque at 3 in the morning you should look shitty. Instead the restaurant is filled with well dressed young couples and older families dining like its 7 PM. I mean what the fuck?! Its like the patrons haven’t adjusted their watches since leaving Korea. Oh the meal was delicious. The wrestling was fun. Wrestleforce has a whole lot of talent, the Richmond fans are a good audience, and I look forward to their next show. It was fun meeting Ryan, Ace, and Raven and hanging out with the rest of the fools. ROCK N ROLL!!! ROCK N ROLL!!!

PS: The show was a ton of fun, and while nothing was as awesome as the ECWA stuff I have seen, it was a great night of wrestling. The Korean BBQ was unreal, as you have classy people grilling Sturgeon at 3am. I am so over a return trip to Richmond if Wrestleforce America comes back.

DR: Oh man, I had a shitty week at work and was ready to have a little fun and this was just what the doctor ordered. I think I could have gone ANYWHERE with that crew and had a good time- it was a great combination of folks to watch wrestling with, in that you always had someone to talk to and they all say funny things so there was surround sound entertainment from everyone. It was great. The wrestling was much better than we thought it would be, I met Nova, a hot hot chick wrote the entire New testament on my stomach and got to watch Hank Williams with the Confederate Mack. What else could you want?

PR: I dumped Schneider and Tom at Dean’s. Drive home, get sick on the way home and then proceed to get yelled at for two straight days because Schneider kicked Ryan’s beer over in my wife’s car. Not good times. Bad Times. Not enough to kill the evening completely but still. Depending on the card – we might have to road trip to Carolina for the next show.