WE ARE DVD HOLLENDAISE- yet still three MORE oily men taking Schneider’s mom
to the mat.

We got the metric ton of tapes from Lorefice which included SWANKY WAR
Commercial Tape so we decided to put Pogo Pete in the WAR barrel this month- BUT
THEN Pogo Pete says that he hadn’t found it in the wad of tapes I sent him so he offered
to do the Bass-arifically horrendous Neo Ladies Commercial tape- which actually is the
least he could since the little creep called dibs on the TORYMON before anyone else
could.  I’ll gleefully hop in the WAR barrel EN LIEU and you- the tender reader- can
await the Tachihakari worship that must SURELY ensue.  Ray goes deeply into Joshi
Puroresu because that’s always good for a couple frothing posts from Toyota-luvvin
YAHOO! bed-wetters and- HELL!- we’re all into comical discourse here in cyberspace.
I’m tackling some FMW (as is REV RAY) and hopefully I won’t misspell anything so as
to trigger paranoid psychotic dateless internet freaks into referring to ME as a
measurement of feculence.  Anyway here’s the MAN they CALL Rev Ray.....

@#@#@#@#@#@ ALL JAPAN WOMEN- ATHENA  - The Spirit of Women's Sports
January 1999
(byREV RAY)
Hey, for those of you who are real trivia buffs, here's some useless info for you :
ATHENA breaks down into Artistic Technical Healthy Energetic Natural Active.  Write
this down, it might be one of Naimark's trivia questions one week, but he'll screw up the
contest so you won't get that tape of two brazillian guys jamming sticks up each others
butts.

-It looks like they've either got a new set or their studio is being fumigated as the crew is
in what resembles a sound studio.  Everyone's having tea and oranges.

Clips from 12/26/98
Kyoko Inoue/Mima Shimoda/Etsuko Mita v. Takako Inoue/Manami Toyota/Yumiko
Hotta : This starts out with Takako wanting to face off against her old partner, who blows
her off as she wants a piece of Hotta or Toyota.  Takako DDTs her and Kyoko completely
no sells her.  It doesn't take long for this one to break down as the Neo gals start with a
triple stomp down on Hotta followed by the AJW returning the favor and it turning into a
brawl on the floor.  Jump back to the ring, Manami does what she does best :  screams and
completely no sells a top rope drop kick.  Takako wears a lavender outfit which I am so
not digging.  This is cut up a bunch.  Toyota and Hotta play "I bet you can't kick Mita's
boobs onto her back" with each doing the camel clutch/kick to the chest bit.  They show
about a million clips of near falls with assorted powerbombs.  The LCO hold down Toyota
and Takako so Kyoko can put away Hotta with her side fall torture rack powerbomb.
Post match, Kyoko gets on the mic and proclaims "My promotion is more financial fucked
than yours!" prompting a big brawl as the AJW women feel they're more screwed.  Kyoko
challenges them to a food stamps on a pole match or something.  This ran 19 minutes,
maybe 5 minutes was shown.

Kyoko Inoue/Etsuko Mita v. Yumiko Hotta/Takako Inoue :  This is from 1/3/99.  Team
Neo jumps at the bell and this is another clip fest.  Hotta totally no sells Kyoko's DDT off
the second rope.  Both teams do their version of cleavage kicking before it goes to the
floor where everyone gets involved.  Mima introduces Toyota's head to a fan, gets them to
move and then introduces her to the chair.  Nanae Takahashi mixes it up with Misae
Genki.  Kyoko DDTs about 8 people on the floor.Tamura does a plancha onto everyone.
The ZAPs run out and start hitting all the Neo seconds with kendo sticks.  Wakizawa and
Toyota do planchas onto everyone.  The finish has Kyoko running through a few
powerbombs as Mita holds off Takako.  Hotta manages to catch Kyoko in a cross
armbreaker.  Kyoko makes it to the ropes once, but Hotta drags her to the middle of the
ring and does it again for an immediate tap out.  This was about 12 minutes, but was cut
up.  Hotta won't break the hold so we end up with another pull apart.  Hotta, Genki,
Takahashi and Kyoko all have words lead to a tag match where both teams put up their
first unemployment checks if they lose match.

1/10/99  Neo Ladies Show :  Hotta/Takahashi v. Genki/Kyoko :  Neo's must be really
fucked because it looks like it was taped by Rob Fenstein-san.  Genki and Hotta head butt
each other right in the face.  Hotta throws benches at Kyoko.  Kyoko beats Takahashi
with a lariat.  This went 19 minutes, this got maybe 3 minutes of air time.  More mic work,
this time subtitled.  I think this is leading to winner gets the losers supply of government
cheese for the next year or something.

-There's a brief focus on "New Heroine" which focuses on some of the rising stars.  All
Japan shows clips of Nanae and Momoe, Miho Wakizawa and Kayo Noumi, a JWP girl
who I don't know and she probably changed her name anyway,  LLPW's Junko Yagi, J'd's
Obbacci- the world's angriest domestic goddess, GAEA's Sakura Hirota and Neo Ladies
Yuka Nakamura.
-Highlights of Miho Wakizawa v. Momoe Nakanishi :  There's a whole lot of drop kicks
shown in this match, but most of them look really good, so you really can't bitch too
much.  Wakizawa gets control and hits a top rope splash, but then dives into Momoe's
legs.  Momoe tries to do the run up the ropes back flip but Miho drop kicks her on the
way down.  It didn't look like it hit too clean but it was still pretty insane.  Momoe does a
moonsault onto Miho on the floor.  Miho gets a near fall with a victory roll and another
near fall with a fishermanbuster.  Momoe gets the win by reversing an irish whip into a
dragon suplex.

Emi Motokawa/Nishibura (IWA Japan) v. Wakizawa/Noumi :  I'm probably killing
Nishibura's name but since my cheat sheet site is down, I have no idea how to spell her
name.  This is even yet still more clips.  Wakizawa and Noumi get in their camel clutch
pose on Emi.  Nishibura pulls out a freaking insane corbata (sort of a swinging rana out of
the corner) on Noumi which almost had her swing about 270 degrees.  Wakizawa does her
rolling figure four scissor lock sleeper on Emi.  Noami comes in and teases doing it to Emi
again, but Nishibura puts the hold on her, so Wakizawa puts it on her.  Wakizawa teases
doing the roll through with the whole group but they stop.  Emi and Miho scream at each
other a whole bunch.  Miho and Kayo end up retaining as Kayo gets Nishibura with the
double wrist arm sault.  19 minutes, but maybe 5 minutes was showed

2 out 3 falls :  ZAP T & I v. Nakanishi/Takahashi :  Momoe does a monster blade job
during this.  To the point that as the match goes on, she's got mini-Bull Nakano hair as the
blood dries and her hair is standing up.  First fall is pretty much the ZAP kicking the crap
out of Momoe.  Momoe continues to get stomped for a bit, but He almost gets the pin
with a german suplex which the ZAPs break up by throwing a kendo stick at the ref.
Momoe catches one of the ZAP with a dragon suplex to even up the match.  The ZAPs
bral though out the building, Momoe gets a plancha in on the ZAPs, but Nanae's attempt
back fires.  Momoe and Nanae get in their neat German Suplex/jacknife hold combo.
Momoe ends up taking two top rope double stomps before being put away.  This looked
like it was a whole lot of Momoe getting her ass kicked.  I dunno if I like the idea of
someone as young as Momoe doing such a monster blade job either.

-There's highlight piece on the history of the ZAPs.  I liked their original bug looking
masks.  Clips of the ZAPs as studio guests chasing everyone with kendo sticks.  High
lights of the suck queens Shark and Crusher v. the ZAPs from 11/29/98.  Clips of Shark
cutting up Momoe in December.  For some weird reason, ZAP T was teamed with Shark
and post match ZAP I went after Shark.
-In sort of a news around other leagues segment, they show a recap of the Asuka/Nagoya
angle from GAEA.
-Hey, Riverdance is coming to Japan... Don't cha dare miss it!
-They show clips of Jaguar's retirement match against Devil Masami.  It seems like Jag
decided since she was retiring she could take a few death bumps in the course of her last
match.  They also show Cutie Suzuki's retirement match.  Man, what did Hikari do to her
hair.  Kanako Moyota ends up the beating victim in these clips as she takes the Cutie
Stomp off of Devi's shoulders as she's sitting on the top rope and also gets Splash
Mountained by Dynamite (who's the ref mind you) as Cutie Destiny Hammers her.  They
do the 10 bell salute and Cutie gets buried in a sea of white streamers.  They also have an
interview from Takako Inoue, which I'm guessing is her announcing her going freelance.
-There's a video package on a body boarder who I think was one of the people the Pirates
interviewed last year as part of their "Searching for the Athena" segment.
-Commercials for the 40 years of Women's wrestling and the Miho and Kayo videos.
BUY OUR STUFF!
-The show pretty much closes out with some hype for the upcoming title defense by
Kandori.

This was really too much clips to get a good feel of how good or how bad anything was.
 

!@!@!@!@!@! GAEA- G-PANIC- 2/99.
(byDEAN RASMUSSEN)
Sweeeeeet GAEA.  Is there anything better?  I’m hardpressed...

TOSHIE UEMATSU vs SUGAR SATO:
This was good but not great, but I’m not totally objective (hahahah!) because I was
expecting quite a bit from these two- since Sugar is becoming quite formidable now that
she has grown out of Juniordom and into full-blown Russ Meyerdom- and since Uematsu
is VASTLY underrated by assorted chumps on the internet.  The psychology of the match
is (SURPRISE!) rock-solid as it starts with the smaller Uematsu countering SUGAR’s
suddenly ass-stomping power arsenal by taking Sugar to the mat early and often.  Toshie
tries to bring it to the air but Sugar no-sells a toprope drop kick (this fucking trend has to
stop) but succumbs to Toshie’s German suplexing the hell out of her quickly afterwards.
The ending is tres SWANK as Sugar tries beat the hell out of Toshie with her suddenly
skull-bending Uricans and PHAT ASS Liger Bombs.  Toshie’s plan is to counter out of
the predicament before Sugar can paste her for good, but eventually Sugar starts beating
the tar out of her- as she starts hitting Uricans and the crushed Toshie wilts like a
hothouse flower.  Toshie- cross-eyed and fiesty as she enters into the realm of total
fighting spirit- keeps countering out of Liger Bomb attempts into freaked-out roll-ups as
she can’t match strength with the quite Vixen-esque Sugar- but CAN beat her with
quickness.  A dying Uematsu actually rolls through a Liger Bomb and gets the flash pin
and thus Sugar freaks out.  This match was executed well.  Toshie and Sugar make a good
match up because Toshie is fast and mat-based these days and that makes for a deep
psychological- though minor- match with the ass-kicker Sugar.  I think Sugar’s great
matches are gonna be against wrestlers who strike as heavily as she does- thus explaining
why Sonoko Kato vs Sugar was so fricking great and why Sugar vs Satomura could be
the defining match of their generation soon.  You’ll want to see this and you’ll know it’s
good, but it won’t bowl you over like Toshie vs Nagashima or Sugar vs Sonoko did.

MEIKO SATOMURA vs CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA:
Meiko Satomura fucking RULES and Nagashima fucking RULES and this match fucking
RULES.  The first part of the match is both of these two countering and
counter-countering out of suplexes into cross-armbreakers, out of cross-armbreaker
variations into Northern Light suplexes etc, etc.  They take it outside and Chikayo slams
Satomura into the rail and then suplexes the living crud out of Satomura onto the floor to
take the first major offensive transition and take them out of the cool ass mat section.
Satomura tries to counter out of Nagashima’s SWANKY version of the Fisherman’s
Buster by reversing it into a Death Valley Bomb but her legs are gone from the suplex to
the floor and Chikayo wriggles free.  Nagashima backtracks and tries to set up her
Fisherman’s Buster with a German Suplex but Satomura counters out with a BOSSS
Somersault heel kick that Nagashima takes LIKE A FRICKING QUEEN.  Satomura hits
a DVD for two and then goes for the kill with a second DVB but Nagashima counters it
into a Cross Armbreaker.  A Nagashima Fisherman Buster later and everyone is dead.
Meiko is too her feet first and goes for the DVB but Nagashima counters with a Crucifix
Key Lock that she tries to turn into a Hurricanrana when Satomura tries to slam her into
the top turnbuckle.  Satomura blocks it and hits the final Death Valley Bomb for the win.
This match was a fricking clinic on counters and it is fun, fun, fun to watch.  The
comparison to the Sugar/Uematsu match is that this is deeper because Satomura and
Nagashima have such PHAT ASS finishers and they can and did base the whole match on
countering into and out of each other finishers.  Meanwhile, in the other match, Sugar was
the one with the big finishers in her match and Toshie just had to manuever around them
with no real threatening finisher of her own.  This match was just really great.  GAEA
youngsters are consistently out BattlARTSing BattlARTS as of late and this was the same
brand of psychotically stylized pro-style matwork BattlARTS uses when they garnish it
with the shootstyle pay-off when the heel hook or the Cross Armbreaker is finally
achieved and fuck knows I’m all over thiat.

MEIKO SATOMURA vs REIKO AMANO:  OZ Academy’s shootstyle gal cheats like a
CHAMP as they do the cool ass non-break through the ropes of the Cross Arm-breaker.
GAEA goes all angle-rama as the Ozettes start hitting Mieko with chairs- post-Amano
tope- and defender of the GAEA faith Uematsu starts kicking Nagashima’s ass.  Back in
the ring, Meiko sells the arm like a champ and counters Amano throwing her into the
ropes by doing a PHAT ASS Somersault Heel Kick that Reiko leans into like a FREAKIN
QUEEN.  Satomura goes for the coop de gracie but Amano counters into a Triangle
Hold.  Satomura starts suplexing the hell out of Reiko, Oz Academy makes the save and
Toshie and Hirota freak out but it’s enough of a distraction for Amano to get the CAB for
the win.  Postmatch the fun really starts as Reiko tries to match Sugar and Nagashima’s
innate surliness by talking shit to Mieko.  Toshie and Numao lose ALL their shit and start
beating Amano’s ass.  After it’s broken up, Satomura says a few words, (I think it was
“Jump up my butt, Alfalfa.”) and They go at it again as they Nitro it back to the studio.
Oz Academy plus GAEA younsters equal TRUE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT.

-They show a lotta clips of Makie Numao who I guess is getting a push after not being
seen on GAEA TV for a year and a half practically.  She seems to be wearing a flag of
West Germany.  Shiina has a swanky Velour number that is TO DIE FOR.

CHIGUSA/ MAKIE NUMAO vs SUGAR SATO/ CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA: Numao is
REALLY not afraid to let Sugar just beat the living hell out of her because she takes four
Aja-esque roundhouse backhands right to the face- which I guess was the price for Sugar
putting the suddenly reappearing Numao over for her first big win.  Chigusa looks a lot
better in the ring these days because there is so much less of a selling credibility gap
between the old gals and the young gals as Chigusa was selling everything for Sugar AND
Nagashima.  This lack of selling DISSONANCE makes for cooler matches and this was
cooler because Chigusa wasn’t just kicking the shit out of youngsters and not selling for
them- like Manami Toyota has been guiltyof doing with these same level GAEA
younsters.  This was all about the Double team tag moves, the nearfalls, and the premiere
of Numao’s finisher- the Butterfly Suplex Into A Bridge.  This was good.  Why is Sugar
suddenly the Job Gal of OZ Academy?

LIONESS ASKA/ MAYUMI Fuckin’ OZAKI vs KAORU/ TOSHIYO YAMADA:  Oh
THIS was Fun!  SUPER STAR UNIT INVADES! Episode one- “KAORU and Yamada
galvanize to fight a common enemy!”  They hang KAORU off the balcony of Koruken
Hall early.  KAORU- clad in the SUPER FRISKY Purple outfit- is the first in the race to
the blade as Lioness hits the GNARLY piledriver through the unbreakable table.  KAORU
is quite the sport and the glue that hold the whole GAEA ball of wax together.  She takes
it LIKE AMAN when Lioness has her in a half Camel Clutch and Oz does Shima
Nabunaga-like Jumping Dropkicks right in the face.  Oz- with KAORU’s blood smeared
across her lips like so much smeared lipstick- keeps up with dropkicks to the face after
Lioness exits the ring.  After they beat the living hell out KAORU, KAORU FINALLY
gets in a vertical suplex to escape the mauling and Yamada comes in like a motherfucker-
whomping up on the assorted Ozettes and just CRUSHING Oz with a Jumping Heel Kick
right in the face.  Aja comes in to slow her down with a Cameo Urican that Oz follows up
with Lil Urican.  Yamada- healthy, fired-up, pissed-off- starts hitting the nastiest series of
Dangerous Backdrops you’ll ever wanna see.  KAORU hits a mindbending Excalibur on
Lioness while Yamada hits the Reverse Gory Driver on Oz in unison.  Lioness gets
KAORU with five consecutive Liger Bombs that Yamada gets her out of- all this after
Lioness got on offense by using Oz/SSU interference to recover from a KOARU
Moonsault Senton.  Lioness finally crushes the totally HOT KAORU with a
GROTESQUE Tiltawhirl Pyramid Driver.  Ohhhh this feud is gonna be FUN.  Postmatch,
Crush Gal tries to kill Crush Gal!  Mima Shimoda shows up IN A TIGHT SWEATER!
WOO-HOO!  MIMA SHIMODA SHOWS UP IN A TIGHT SWEATER!  WOO-HOO!
and leaves Hirota in a pool of her own blood and CHIGUSA IS PISSED!   MIMA
SHIMODA....Mother of Fudge, YOU better fucking believe you WANT ALLLLLL
THIS.
 

@#@#@#@#@# JD' TOGETHER '98- 12/26/98; Tokyo- Ariake Coliseum
(byPOGO PETE STEIN!)
This was the Jaguar Yokota retirement show promoted by Jd' as a promotional all-star
show.  You realize now that none of the people in Jd's TV opening (Bison, Jaguar,
Goddess, Yuki Lee) even work for them anymore.

SUGAR SATO/CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA vs. FANG SUZUKI/THE BLOODY:
JIP with FANG! and Bloody using Chair-Fu on Nagashima while Ryuna tapes Sugar to
the ropes.  Bloody hits her Locomotion German suplex on Nagashima but can't put her
away, and Sugar gets freed by Reiko Amano.  Quick cut to the Oz Academy making their
comeback on, well, whatever the Jd team calls themselves.  Bloody accidentally takes
FANG out with her chain and Nagashima hits the fisherman buster on her while Sugar
toasts FANG! with the uraken.  Nagashima then catches FANG! with a german suplex,
but Ryuna naturally runs in and breaks the pin up.  Sugar takes out Ryuna while
Nagashima does a rolling guillotine off the top onto FANG!, picks her up at 2 and finally
pins her with a second german suplex.  An eh match from the highlights, although I'd love
to have a shirt with "FANG" on the back like FANG! wears.

CHAPARITA ASARI/TIGER DREAM vs. SUMIE SAKAI/HIROMI YAGI:
Sakai'swearing a Jaguar-style outfit for this match, although the effect isn't quite there if ya
smell what the Rock is cookin'.  JIP with a four-dive sequence as Yagi planchas Tiger and
ASARI, then holds them so Sakai can do an Orihara moonsault onto them, but they move
and Yagi takes the move instead.  Tiger holds them for ASARI to do the Sky-Twister
Press TO THE FLOOR (incoming!!!!!!!), then Candy fakes a mortal ala Sayama and
follows with a springboard pescado onto the pile.  Quick cut to the finish, with everyone
suplexing the crap out of each other mixed in with ASARI doing an assisted moonsault off
of Tiger's hands on the top rope onto Yagi.  There's some really great action going on
here, but based on this crowd you'd think Baba's funeral was going on in the same
building.  Someone tell those folks to loosen their ties and have some fun!  Tiger winds up
putting Sakai away with the tiger suplex for the pin after getting her feet up for Sakai's
moonsault attempt.

LIONESS ASUKA vs. MAYUMI OZAKI:  Quick, Crowada, shield your eyes!  The
Cranky One is in no real mood to sell too much of The Minky One's offense, save for a
brief spurt where the Academy runs in and gives her the advantage.  Oz winds up hitting
Tequila Sunrise, but Lioness kicks out.  Eventually Lioness gives Oz the Towerhacker
Bomb... then to add insult to injury, she picks Oz up at two and uses Oz's own Tequila
Sunrise to pin her.  I guess Lioness took one look at all of the morticians in the audience
and decided to phone this one in.  Postmatch Aja Kong joins them for a three-way
handshake and some pre-emptive brainstorming re their GAEA attack.

JAGUAR YOKOTA FINAL BATTLE: JAGUAR YOKOTA vs. DEVIL MASAMI:
And time... slows... to... a... standstillllllitsdnats ...a ...ot ...swols ...emit dnA :IMASAM
LIVED .sv ATOKOY RAUGAJ :ELTTAB LANIF ATOKOY RAUGAJ

Yep, Devil's in "psychology mode" tonight.  The gist of the match is that Jaguar can't take
Devil by force, so she has to work in quick attacks on Devil's legs while Devil uses her
Oliver Hardy offense.  You know, she gets hit with something and sloooooowly comes
back with another move.  I almost expected Devil and Jag to react like Kendo did in that
mixed trios match at the "10 minutes" call.  Devil actually pulls off a cool spot as she
catches Jag on the top rope, holds her in a superplex position for about 20 seconds, then
dumps her down to the floor instead.  Finally, after kicking out of something like 17 Devil
powerbombs, Jag finally succumbs when Devil kills her with an SSD for the pin at 19:33.
Even the retirement ceremony kinda sucks: Jag gives a speech, the rest of the Jd crew
gives her a lap around the ring and then they carry her to the back.  The End.

Not much of a show, kids.  Minus GAEA (who definitely packed Bunka Gym for their 4-4
show based on the pics I saw), it doesn't look good for the joshi promotions' collective
future if the crowd size and heat here was any indication.  Jaguar definitely deserved a
better match, maybe with Lioness instead.
 

@#@#@#@#@ FMW Battle Station - 5/25/97
(byREV RAY)
Dragon Winger v. Flying Kid Ichihara [joined in progress] :  Winger is in control on the
Kid, who Spike Dudley could probably use a power offense set on.  Winger uses some
powerbombs and a fisherman buster on the Kid.  Kid gets in sort bits of offense, usually a
sunset flip or pinning type move.  Kid escapes a Dragon suplex, follows it up with a la
Majistaral which goes into the ropes.  Kid with a slam and a moonsault for the win.

Miss Mongol v. Miwa Sato [joined in progress]  Mongol with some chops followed by a
senton and then a rolling variety.  Miwa answers with a hair pull, German suplex, a top
rope drop kick and a top rope somersault body attack for a two.  Sato with a bridged
suplex for a two.  Sato western union's a punch which Mongol counters.  As not very
exciting as the FMW women's division is, just about everyone in it would smoke the WWF
women.  Mongol with a top rope senton to score the pin.

Hisakatsu Ohya v. some kicker guy [joined in progress]  : I'm not sure who Ohya's
opponent was, it might have been someone from Battlarts, but I couldn't make out the
kanji (Might have been something moto).  They only showed a minute or two, but Ohya's
in control with a hold, kicker guy escapes, throws some kicks, Ohya counters one kick
with a dragon screw.  Kicker guy pulls out a schoolboy for a two, runs the ropes, Ohya
catches him in an abdominal stretch for the win.

Super Leather v. Mr. Pogo II :   Leather punches Pogo in the head a few times, hits his
brainbuster (which the announcers call a Ghostbuster.  Koko B. Ware is GOD in FMW I
guess).    Pogo does some top rope stuff to get Leather in a little trouble, but he gets
caught up top and Leather superplexes him for for a two.  Tombstone for another two.
Leather escapes a lariat into sort of a hot shot and hits the brainbuster for the win.

Shark Tsuchiya/Crusher Maedomari v. RIE/Kouri Nakayama :  Dean offered me a choice
between getting either WAR or FMW tapes.  I figured I'd escape the WAR fat boys by
taking the FMW.  Little did I know that there's a whole lot of Shark and Crusher on that
FMW.  I've got 4 hours of FMW.  Shark and Crusher make it seem like 18 hours.  To
their credit, they don't carve up everyone, so they just suck in this.  I've not really seen too
much of Nakayama's work, but she's got a pretty sweet swinging DDT and a couple of
other flying moves, which can only mean good things for GAEA.  Hell, I think she'd get
more out of Maiko Matsumoto than her opponents in this match.  Shark puts Nakayama
away after 2 high angle powerbombs. Post match they double back suplex RIE.

Mr. Gannosuke/The Gladiator v. Hayabusa/Ricky Fuji :  Gee, wonder who's doing the job
in this match?  Hayabusa decks Gannosuke when he's on the apron to convince him to
start.  They go back and forth, both getting in shots before both guys tag out.  The fans
get behind Ricky, but Gladiator pretty much manhandles him.  Gladiator misses a corner
charge, Fuji hits a top rope body press for a two and tags back in Hayabusa.  Gladiator
reverses a powerbomb attempt into a double leg slam.  He gets thrown to the floor and
Hayabusa hits an apron dive lariat on him, so Gannosuke attacks him when he's on the
floor.  Glad hits a slingshot shoulder tackle and tags out.  Busa makes the tag to Fuji and
he and Gannosuke chop each other a whole bunch, which Gannosuke breaks up with an
eye rake.  Ricky got in the Tiger Mask catch your foot/back kick move, before Gannosuke
hits an inverted atomic drop.  This breaks down with Gannosuke and Gladiator uses chairs
on both guys for a bit before Gannosuke gets his stick and starts jabbing Fuji with it.
Gladiator breaks a chair over his head off the top rope.  Fuji makes the tag to Busa who
takes over on Gannosuke and teases using the stick, but doesn't and gets low blowed for
it.  Hayabusa catches Gannosuke with a Yamada flying 360 round kick and hits a
quebrada to the floor.  Hayabusa with the firebird splash which Gladiator breaks up.  Fuji
hits the kamakazi for a two.  Gannosuke DDTs him.  Hayabusa gets tagged in, he goes for
a top rope body press but finds nothing but Gannosuke's knee.  Gladiator comes in, hits a
powerbomb for two.  He goes for his running powerbomb, but Fuji breaks it up.  This
pretty much gets out of control as everyone comes in when they want to and go for near
falls.  Gannosuke puts Fuji away with a powerbomb.   Post match, Hayabusa gets
powerbombed by Gladiator.  Zach Arnold's favorite manager, Vic Quionnes gives
Gannosuke the materials to spit a big ass fireball at Hayabusa.  I've seen all involved look
better, but it didn't suck.

No Rope Barbed Wire match :  Tetsuhiro Kuroda/Masato Tanaka/Koji Nakagawa v.
Atsushi Onita/W*ING Kanemura/Hido :  Onita's a heel, but the group's not Zen yet.  The
artists soon to be known as Zen dominate early.   Tanaka takes a front suplex onto the
barbed wire, then Hido drops Kanemura into a leg drop onto him.  Onita takes Tanaka to
the floor and cements that he's a heel by taking the chair from a little kid despite the fact
there's an open chair right next to him.  Onita piledrivers Tanaka on an unbreakable table
(which didn't break), then W*ING powerbombs him through it.  A table is set up on the
apron and guys are thrown into it a whole bunch.  Uh guys, wouldn't the barbed wire
work better?  About 7 or 8 chairs get broken over Tanaka's head in the course of the
match.  W*ING deposits Kuroda back first on top of the barbed wire before spiking
Hido's piledriver on Tanaka onto the chairs.  After about 10 minutes of getting their asses
kicked, team FMW finally gets in some offense as Tanaka fights off Kanemura's attack
with a barbed wire bat with a chair before hitting a screw bomb and a swinging DDT off a
chair.  Onita takes a barbed wire bump or two, but avoids a Tanaka elbow attempt so
Tanaka runs chest first into the wire.  We have about 80 Thunder Fire Powerbomb
attempts to finish the match.  It's kind of sad that it's Onita's move and just about everyone
else does it better than he does.  Onita wins with... you guessed it... a thunder fire
powerbomb.  Post match, Onita and Kanemura talk shit. Tanaka gets filled with shame
and they film a promo in the back which I don't know what's talked about, but involves
slapping Tanaka around.  I would have liked this better if the FMW had gotten in more
offense, but I guess this was more or less to get the new group over.
 

@#@#@#@#@ WRESTLE ASSOCIATION “R”- 5/5/97 COMMERCIAL TAPE
(byDEAN RASMUSSEN)
WAR MOTHERFUCKING KICKS ASS- when it doesn’t, you know, suck.  You gotta
love fat guys with half assed judo gimmicks!  Okay. YOU don’t have to, but IIIIIIIII
certainly do.  You should get all WAR ever made ever.  Really. You’d just spend your
money on something stupid anyway...

BATTLE RANGER vs. TOMOHIRO ISHII:  Battle Ranger- inexplicable and
career-orientedly maladjusted as the only masked Junior in the shambles that is the
postUD WAR Junior Division- is all about kicking Bukoh non-fatboy Tomohiro Ishii right
in the face and we can all get behind that.  Ishii got lumpier in the next year, but is quite
the good little worker- as Bukoh Dojo isn’t afraid to actually pump out some decent
non-rotund workers to compliment the true Awesome-osity of Masaaki Mochizuki and
the TORYUMON-rub-enhanced Yoshikazu Taru.  Ishii doesn’t kick the quite acceptable
BattleRanger right in the face or anything, but he does work well and hits some nice
suplexes.  BR hits an Asai Moonsault that actually clears out the first three rows and then
hits a thoroughly DELUXE Backdrop Driver, so maybe this WAS fine, fine wrestling after
all.  Battle Ranger wins the whole magilla with a preoposterous- but not in a swanky lucha
wat- roll-up.

OSAMU TACHIHIKARI vs YOSHIKAZU TARU:  HOLY BATS!  I had to REALLY
just sit down and watch this a couple of times.  This was fricking AMAZING.  Taru is the
Bukoh Dojo face here as he wouldn’t be dragged to coolness by CRAZY MAX for
another two years.  Tachihikari is awe-inspiring in his weirdness.  He is a freak and a total
anomaly.  I- personally- find him to an existential hero- a sad, melancholy everyman who
is outclassed by even the horrible heavyweights around him in WAR and who cannot get
into what he must do as a pro wrestler because it always seems that his heart is broken and
his spirit is splintered.  I feel for Osamu.  He is great Existential Icon.  And... well... he is
also a very shitty wrestler.  I haven’t seen ANYTHING as slow and lumbering as
Tachihikari in this match since the days when Jim Hart quarterbacked the St Louis
Cardinals.  I ..I... dunno.  The match is kinda like- Taru just kinda kicks and kicks Osamu
and I’d call Osamu a living heavybag but well..... Osamu is too slow and immobile to be
called a heavybag.  The other thing is that Taru is more one-dimensional than Tachihikari
in that he does NO wrestling moves- just crappy kicks.  Actually he does try to get a
Cross-Armbreaker at one point BUT Osamu... counters it I guess (though it was too slow
to actually be a counter) and Tachihakari- unbelievably- gets the MOUNT! in one of the
most pathetic things you will ever see. Awwwwwwwww, he’s lumpy.....  The little fella is
trying to go shootstyle.  GODSPEED! my favorite WAR crappy heavyweight.   This
match is more horrendous than about all of the other horrendous matches in Osamu’s
horrendous portfolio but I still love Tachihakari and so do you.  Tachihakari represents the
terror in my soul and for that I must always watch him.

MASAAKI MOCHIZUKI/ TAKESHI OKAMURA vs GOKUAKU UMIBOZU/
SHININGAMI:  This match fucking ruled in SUCH a stupid way.  Gokuaku Umibozu and
Shiningami can’t actually wrestle overly well at all, but Shiningami has a Schneider-esque
mullet, has this thoroughly Herman Munster gimmick and does THE CLAW!  This would
suck except he does a Exploider Suplex with the CLAW replacing the Urange part of the
hold (My guess is that he stole this move from Super Nova.)  He keeps the CLAW on the
whole time and afterwards!  Obviously, I just totally lost my shit when I saw that.
Gokuaku looked like Benkei in the pre-match interview and I thought I was in for the
hideous ride, but this is a smaller guy with a gimmick as goofed-out as Shiningami and he
missed a moonsault- so I was all kinds of relieved that I wasn’t gonna be Benkei-ed on
this WAR tape.  The GODlike Mochizuki and Bukou compadre, the quite acceptable in a
Jado kinda way, Okamura, both kick really hard in this match- so this good from the
ground floor. Masaaki busts out all of his fancypants moves and I’m quickly won over.  A
Million Billion Stars just for the Japan Indie World otherworldliness of the whole
proceedings.  Awwww yeah.

YUJI YASURAOKA vs. MASAJI AOYAGI:  Hey, you know me.  I think Yasaraoka is
fucking great.  He’s one of the REAL reasons I get so stoked about WAR tapes.  The
problem with this match is that Aoyagi wasn’t quite up to putting the effort required to
make this the OFF THE CHARTS match that this looked like on paper.  I guess Kitoa
lucked out with Mochizuki as he seems to be the only one who can actually work a really
good complete match and do things other than kick a whole lot.  Yuji tries to offset the
limitations of Masaji by doubling up his highflying and by taking a whole lot of kicks to
the face to make Aoyagi look good.  Yuji hits that underhook DDT that Masaji sells
wrong for the win.  Oooooooooo ungood.

LANCE STORM/ NOBUTAKA ARAYA vs. KOJI KITOA/ NOBUKAZU HIRAI:
BOY!  THIS AIN’T SO GOOD!  Araya is a good worker- a sort of shorter,
less-flamboyant, over-the-hill version of Barry Windham (or something).  Lance Storm is
good worker that you’ve seen with his nekkid valet in ECW.  Hirai is like a dwarfish
version of Tachihikari but without the beauty and melancholy but with all the clumsiness
BUT with the added feature of a perchant to fuck up at attempts at high-flying so he also
has RANGE in his inability to wrestle.  Koji Kitoa is the worst motherfucking wrestler on
the God’s green earth.  What a lumbering useless load of shit in the ring.  Hey!  He’s
retired now so everybody’s happy!  This match is good for some really deep guffaws as
Kitoa fucks up any and everything he attempts.  Hirai is also good for a few laughs as he
hits the most hilarious toprope elbow that he follows up with a laughable WAR Special.
Hearty chuckles all around!  Ohhhh goddamdidkojikitoastink.

GENICHIRO TENRYU/ TATSUMI KITAHARA/ JUN KIKUCHI vs. ABDULLAH the
BUTCHER/ TARZAN GOTO/ RYO MIYAKE (Cage match):  One trembles in fear at
the mighty WAR Main Event.  You never know what you’ll get. This DID have the
absolutely GREAT Abdullah interview.  “You’ve never tasted the fork, Ten-you!  The
Butcher Is EATING YOU, Ten-you!”  Abby speaking English and delving so deeply into
the realm of the Antichristo interview for all-out creepiness was priceless.  The match
itself was quite the hideous thing because Kitahara never gets to kick the fuck out of
anything so to hell with all this.  They carve up Tenryu pretty good, if your into that kind
of thing.
I GOT ALL OF THIS!
 

$%$%$%$%$$% TORYUMON TV- 2/15/99 (taped 1/31, 2/3/99)
(byPOGO PETE STEIN!)
I don't think this clip needs any setup.  Magnum Tokyo and UD himself are in the studio
and graphics on each Toryumon student are pulled up, leading into:
GENKI HORIGUCHI vs. YASUSHI KANDA: JIP.  Good action from both guys,
particularly Horiguchi (black/white/red t-shirt and tights ensemble) who pulls off some
cool lucha headscissors on Kanda (sporting a Dick Togo-style blue/white tights and boots
look).  Kanda is more elbow-intensive and not as flashy, but he connects with a nice
turning powerslam.  Kanda eventually wins with a diving elbow.  Not bad at all, as they
didn't blow any spots and the crowd was into it.

KENICHIRO ARAI vs. SUZUMU MOCHIZUKI: JIP.  Arai (black/red tights) is really
trying to rudo it up but he comes off looking like Butch from the Little Rascals with his
comical scowl.  He's got some OK moves but he spends way too much time using his skull
as his main offensive weapon.  He also apparently can't decide if he wants to be a spunky
badass or a Memphis-via-Naucalpan cowardly heel.  Mochizuki (black/yellow tights, blond
hair) looks OK, but he's got the least personality by far of UD's students based on what
airs here.  After downing Mochizuki with his Missing Link impression, Arai goes up top
and it looks like he's going to do a moonsault... instead, he twists around and hits a diving
headbutt for the win.  Hahahahahahahaha.  Now begone.

YOSHIKAZU TARU vs. STOKER ICHIKAWA:  Oh man... you know this is gonna be
special when Stoker comes out to the William Tell Overture (AKA the "Lone Ranger"
theme to the mentally handicapped, Rossini-ignorant and Foghat members) and passes out
his business cards to the LADIEEEEEEES sitting ringside at Korakuen.  In a devil
costume, mind you.  Complete with pitchfork.  Stoker spends the first couple of minutes
shaking his keister at Taru, doing crotch-chops and spinning away everytime Taru starts to
go after him.  Taru soon gets tired of this and charges in, but Stoker sticks his fingers out.
Taru walks right into the Moe-poke and Stoker punches away, but Taru no-sells
everything and gives him this look like "Are you done yet, you fucking weirdo?"  Taru
beats a mudhole into him and charges, only to fall to the floor as Stoker ducks out of the
way.  Stoker fakes a mortal, jumps over the ropes and kicks Taru ala Sasuke, then rolls
back into the ring and performs the Mrs. Rippa Mating Dance again.  Taru heads in and
levels Stoker with a kick, and you can tell he's gonna rip this geek in half now.  Taru with
a half-hour suplex for 2, then Stoker sneaks in La Magistral for a near-fall.  Taru (who
does a karate gimmick) comes back with kicks and absolutely NUKES Stoker with a
spinning MDII ("Taru Driller") for the one-finger pin.  Postmatch Taru gives referee Babe
Richard a Polaroid camera so Taru can pose with Stoker's carcass- cool gimmick.  Sadly
Stoker is all schtick and he sucks as a wrestler, but his schtick *is* pretty damn funny.
Plus the red fur on his arms and shoulders works much better for him than when Schneider
wore it to his senior prom.

YOSHIKAZU TARU/MASAAKI MOCHIZUKI vs. TAKASHI OKAMURA/KEIICHI
KAWANO:  All four guys are from World Grandma-Tossing Champion Koji Kitao's
Bukoh Dojo promotion.  What's shown here amounts to Kawano and Okamura beating on
Taru like the guy stole Kitao's lunch, and this goes on for several minutes.  Finally Sumo
Fuji runs out and distracts Babe Richard so Judo Suwa and Shima Nobunaga can run in
and beat the crap out of his assailants.  Okamura gets crotched against the ringpost and
Shima takes Kawano out with an assisted swinging DDT; Mochizuki protests this, so
Taru's new buddies take him out as well.  All this time Sumo's apparently been asking
Richard how the flight was from Mexico.  Finally Richard turns around just as Taru plants
Kawano with the Taru Driller for the pin.  Postmatch the kids from Crazy MAX ask Taru
if he wouldn't like to work for a REAL promotion, and Taru agrees by joining in the
beatdown on Bukoh until Magnum Tokyo and Dragon Kid hit the ring and make the save.
Hey, it's always good when the Bukoh boys get the crap beaten out of them (save
Mochizuki, Son of Man).

ELIMINATION MATCH:  SUMO FUJI/JUDO SUWA/SHIMA NOBUNAGA vs.
DRAGON KID/MAGNUM TOKYO/SAITO:  Tokyo gets an ALL-TIME classic
entrance, dancing through the crowd while the LADIEEEEEEES stuff yen notes as well
as dollars and even pesos down his tights.  There's a hysterical shot of this granny
FRANTICALLY shoving cash into Tokyo's area.  Finally Tokyo hits the ring, where his
dancers do a number and then rip his chaps away revealing what looks like 10 million
dollars crammed down his tights.  Drinks on Tokyo!  Match proper is slow at first,
highlighted by SAITO's freaky matwork and Kid's off-the-charts flying.  They pick things
up around the 15-minute mark with the lucha-standardized "everyone does a dive"
sequence capped off by Tokyo shaking his thang and doing a MAJESTIC Toyota
moonsault onto everyone (and apparently screwing up his neck in doing so).  Crazy MAX
take control and Shima does the super-weird Homage To Maivia by busting out the
People's Legdrop on Tokyo.  MAX continue the assault on Kid until he reverses a
Superbomb into a Frankenstein and Tokyo comes in, hitting a sweet 360-degree swinging
DDT on Suwa who falls to the floor.  Tokyo then rolls backwards and does a headscissors
on Suwa sending him into the crowd.  Tecs go into control until Kid finally gets the first
elimination with his awesome Dragon Rana (450 off the top into a Frankenstein) on Suwa
for the pin at 24:18.  SAITO gets a quick 2 on Sumo with his rollup/headstand combo, but
Sumo comes back with the Fuerza Punt (tm Highspots board).  After SAITO comes back
with an armbreaker he goes up top but Shima shakes the ropes so SAITO crotches
himself, then hits SAITO with his Iconoclasm.  Sumo heads in, nuts SAITO again, climbs
up and hits ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAM on SAITO for Elimination #2 at 26:46.  Tokyo
comes in; Sumo catches him and ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAM follows, but Kid breaks it
up.  Things settle down for awhile as it slows down into a regular tag match.  At one point
Kid drops Sumo and goes up top, but before he can do anything he gets nutted by
Yoshikazu Taru (working as Crazy MAX's manager tonight).  The tecs come back as
Tokyo sets Shima on top and flips a charging Kid onto him; Kid then hits the
Frankenstein.  Sumo comes back and hits ahhhhhh you know what, but Tokyo returns the
favor by saving Kid.  Sumo goes for it again, and this time Kid reverses it into a
Frankenstein for Elimination #3 at 31:46.  Tokyo soon slams Shima and Kid hits a
PERFECT Phoenix Splash but can't put Shima away.  Tokyo repositions Shima and Kid
follows with a 450, but he lands wrong on Shima's face.  Shima gets knocked silly and
immediately starts to bleed from his mouth, and Tokyo wraps Shima in a wonderfully
goofy figure-four variation I guess to give Shima time to recover.  You have to love the
way UD taught these guys about flow and pacing.  Kid whips Shima to the buckles, does a
double handspring and lands on Shima's shoulders, but Shima catches him as he spins
around and plants him with a powerbomb.  Kid recovers, whips Shima to the buckles and
charges; Shima dumps him over his head onto the ropes, but Kid jumps backwards and
hits his Dragon's Ray (rebound Frankenstein) for a near-fall.  Shima is reeling and still
coughing up the syrup and Kid hits the Dragon Rana a second time, but Taru distracts
Babe Richard while Sumo and Judo run in.  Sumo takes out Tokyo, Judo plants Kid with
a sidewalk slam and Shima hits his Mad Splash (frog splash) on Kid just as Babe Richard
turns around to count Kid out at 36:35.  Now it's down to Shima and Tokyo.  Shima
drops Tokyo and rolls him up, but instead of going for the pin he just PUNCHES Tokyo
right in the Little Tokyo.  Crazy MAX and Taru start to interfere like, well, crazy, and it
comes to a head when Taru prevents Tokyo from going off the top after he hits a Tokyo
Cutter on Shima.  UD gives up and sends all of the seconds (including Stoker, having
replaced his devil horns with gigantic Shemp-like ears) after Taru to drag him to the back.
With the "Konnan books TJ" portion of the match out of the way Shima and Tokyo are
free to tear the house down.  Tokyo goes for his Viagra Driver (pumphandle MDII), but
Shima reverses and catches Tokyo with a chinbreaker.  Shima sets Tokyo on top, gives
him a shotay and hits the Iconoclasm, then goes up top himself but Tokyo revives and
climbs up to join him.  Shima knocks him down but Tokyo rolls through, runs over and
crotches Shima.  He then climbs up, balances on the side rope and does a UD-style
Frankensteiner to send Shima to the mat.  Tokyo then hits the Viagra Driver on Shima,
climbs up and hits a shaky Shooting Star Press for the final elimination at 45:04.  Hey,
you'd have problems doing it too after 45 minutes.  Awesome match with some incredible
spots; they probably could've trimmed down by about 10 minutes, but I guess UD wanted
to make sure everyone got plenty of time to strut their stuff here.  It also shows how
Bischoff UTTERLY missed the boat on these guys, especially Tokyo who looked like a
fucking superstar in this match.

And HEY!  That was just the first show!  Part 2 for DVDVR 97.  GET
THIS SHOW.  Now.  I'll wait.
 

!@!@!@!@!@ FMW Battle Station  7/17/97  & 7/19/97:
(byREV RAY!)
This might actually be two shows melded into one as the host segments seemed to have
gotten toasted, but I'm a madman and I'll do two shows (unlike those wuss Foghat boy's
who'll do ONE HOUR OF ECW!  Jeez, ECW TV is like 40 minutes of commercials and
trailers for the next PPV... it's not that hard to review)

Miss Mongol v. Crusher Maedomari :  Hey, it's Crusher.  She's big and useless.  I like
Miss Mongol for some reason, but she's not carrying anybody and in Crusher's case, she'd
need a forklift.  Crusher with the chokeslam.

Ricky Fuji v. Flying Kid Ichihara :  Kid goes a whole lot of moonsaults. Kid gets a lot
offense in, but after his 6th moonsault, Ricky moves out of the way and hits the kamakazi
and a tiger driver both for two.  Kid escapes a suplex attempt into the worse Majistral ever
as he did the spin around but didn't bother to trap the arm which Fuji kicks out of.  Fuji
hits the ghostbuster for the win (because Koko B. Ware is GOD in FMW.)

The Headhunters v. Freddy Krueger/Super Leather :  Sable wishes she had
boobs as big as the Hunters.  Leather decides to chase fans around the arena rather than
tie up.  This is SOOOOOO not good.  I remember being impressed with the Head Hunters
once.  That was a long time ago.  To their credit, they do some tag moves in this, so
they're kind of like the Midnight Express if Bobby and Stan had eaten the Rock 'n Roll
Express and the Fantastics.  Hey, Freddy is not good.  I like Super Leather's interviews
where he threatens Matsunaga, but not his wrestling.  End this now.  Headhunters win
with a tiger driver and then a high angle powerbomb on Freddy by A.
Post match,  the Funk Masters do an interview calling out for competition. Quote the
Gladiator "FMW SUCKS!"

Kaori Nakayama/Michiko Omukai v. Shark Tsuchiya/Eagle Sawai (Texas Death Match):
Hey, it's a Texas Death match, which means that Shark and Rodan get to be no selling
choads for multiple falls!  To her credit, once again, Shark doesn't carve the Christmas
Kaori so I guess she should be complimented... but guess what, she's still Shark and she
still stinks.  Kaori gets pinned a whole bunch via assorted powerbombs but keeps getting
up.  Omukai gets pinned following a back suplex but gets up.  Nakayama gets beat up for
a while, Omukai saves her from a double team allowing her to get in a top rope rana, a
DDT and a whole lot of back suplexes, which still aren't good enough to get one fall on
Shark.  Shark puts Nakayama away with yet another high angle powerbomb.  Omukai gets
Eagle in a sleeper, but then Eagle's flunky does a run in to do some damage.  Omukai
reverses a whip so Eagle hits her partner and gets a german suplex for two.  Omukai gets
stuff powerbombed for one fall.  Eagle follows with her powerbomb to get another fall
and the win.  Gee, with such a promising future in LLPW and FMW, I have no idea why
Michiko decided to go to ARSION.

Hideki Hosaka/ W*ING Kanemura/ Hido v. Masato Tanaka/ Tetsuhiro Kuroda/ Mr. Pogo
II: The former W*ING team takes control earler, working over Pogo II, with Kanemura
putting him though a table, them powerbombing him on a row of chairs set up on two
other chairs and hitting him with a barbed wire bat.  Kuroda shifts things in his sides favor
with a lariat setting up a Pogo chokeslam, Kuroda diving elbow and a Tanaka top rope
splash.  The W*ING team gets back in control when Hido brings the barbed wire Bat back
into play.  Tanaka fights them off with elbows to set up a TFPowerbomb, but Hosaka
saves the pin fall.  Kanemura low blows out of a German suplex attempt by Kuroda.  Hido
chairs him and Kanemura hits a top rope senton for two.  Hosaka and Kanemura do Total
Elimination on  Kuroda and Hosaka eventually puts him away with a powerbomb.

A recap of Jinsei Shinzaki's arrival in FMW to help Hayabusa.

Mr. Gannosuke/The Gladiator/Hisakatsu Ohya v. Jinsei Shinzaki/Hayabusa/Koji
Nakagawa: Jinsei and Gannosuke start out with Jinsei in getting the better of most of the
exchanges, getting in his rope walk before Hayabusa works with Gannosuke before
tagging to Gladiator.  Everyone tags in and works a brief segment with each other.
Gannosuke and Jinsei work against each other again, Jinsei goes for his Vader Bomb and
catches nothing but knees, so Gannosuke works him over with the broken stick.  Gladiator
hits Jinsei with a chair, hangs him in the corner and gives him a chinlock from the floor,
leaving a puddle of blood in the corner.  They really blow a spot where Gannosuke is
supposed to run into a Jinsei super kick.  Hayabusa gets the hot tag.  It seems like they
clipped out part of this.  Gladiator saves Ohya after a Haybusa 450.  He also saves him
from the praying powerbomb, but as the other 4 fight on the floor, Jinsei gets Gannosuke
in the praying powerbomb and the crossed armed camel clutch, which Gladiator saves.
Gannosuke and Ohya hit the back suplex/jumping neckbreaker drop on 'busa.  They run
through a lot of near falls with partners making the saves.  Nakagawa tries to get the win
with the Gannosuke clutch on Gannosuke but no dice.  Eventually, the Funk Masters (and
no that doesn't have Parliament or Bootsy Collins as members) beat off Hayabusa and
Jinsei, allowing Gannosuke to hit the praying bomb on Nakagawa.
 

^&^&^&^&^&^^ NEO LADIES NEO STAGE 1998: 3 NIGHTS- 8/14-15-16/98,
Korakuen.
(byPOGO PETE!)
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily- this is from the infamous Korakuen Hall
triple-shot where Neo got this insane idea that they should bank their future on Nicole
Bass.  Ah, the retribution one must go through for having the chutzpah to call dibs on
Toryumon ahead of the rest of Hollendaise.

10TH NEO DEBUT MATCH: YUKA NAKAMURA vs. ??? (8/16):  The mystery
opponent for Nakamura's debut turns out to be Mima Shimoda.  Let the sauciness begin!
Yuka's punches are so bad that the announcers are laughing their asses off trying to call
the match, but she's got spunk... Mima HATES spunk.  That said, she goes easy on the li'l
princess and punches out the second she hears the "5 minutes" call with an axe kick for the
pin.

HIROMI YAGI vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/14):  Shiina's one set of pom-poms away from
looking like an Illinois State cheerleader based on the outfit she has- not as good a thing as
you might expect to this Bradley man.  Decent match thanks entirely to Yagi, who takes it
with an anklelock after reversing something Shiina wanted to try into her ipponzei off the
top.  Dunno what, but the folks in Korakuen had a big, hearty laugh over it.

JAGUAR YOKOTA vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/15):  Jaguar's making the rounds as her final
countdown begins, carrying bottom-feeders like Shiina to solid matches just because she
can.  She pulls off one cool move where she's in the corner and it looks like she's going to
do a corbata on Shiina, but instead takes her heel and clocks Shiina in the head with it.
Jaguar with the nastiest fisherman buster of all time on Shiina for the pin.

MAYUMI OZAKI vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/16):  Pancrase mode On: "GIVE UP!"  THREE
Shiina matches in a row?  Actually this one is probably the best of the three as Oz gives
Shiina lots of offense after totally dominating the first several minutes, pulling Shiina up on
a pin only for Shiina to get an ankle-lock on her and start to work over her ankle big-time.
Oz comes back and eventually goes for Tequila Sunrise but Shiina fights her way out, then
ducks under Oz's uraken.  Oz puts so much force behind it that she spins around and
Shiina immediately schoolgirls her for the near-fall.  Oz comes back with two successful
urakens and gets the pin at 6:36.

The rest of the show follows the Tournament of Neo Stage 1998, starting with clips of the
8/14 round-robin "play-in" for the final spot, which ends in a playoff between Genki Misae
and Yoshiko Tamura that Tamura wins in 1:10(!) with La Magistral.

1ST ROUND:  YOSHIKO TAMURA vs. X (8/15):  FANG! Suzuki is the mystery gal for
Tamura... and to further annoy us all, she's being seconded by Shark Tsuchiya (who looks
like a green-haired Rosie O'Donnell tonight in her Izod shirt and Foster Grants).  Tamura
and FANG! play Pipe-Fu until Tamura finally takes control.  She hits her double-arm wrist
salto but one of Shark's unnamed stooges runs in and breaks the count, then distracts the
ref while Shark comes in and crushes Tamura with two lariats so FANG! can cover her
and advance.  I dunno... if you can hit the ref with a pipe and have someone run in and
make the ref break his count, why can't he see the run-ins too?

1ST ROUND:  CHAPARITA ASARI vs. MIMA SHIMODA (8/15):  Basically we just
get the finishing sequence.  ASARI hits the Sky-Twister for a near-fall; she goes up top
again, but Shimoda meets her there and hits her Death Lake Driver that sends ASARI
two-thirds across the ring.  Shimoda with a tiger suplex for 2 and goes up top; ASARI
joins her and hits a Frankenstein, but Shimoda rolls through for 2.99.  ASARI goes for a
Toyota Roll but Shimoda reverses it into a powerbomb.  She hits the axe kick and goes up
top for a splash, but it's the lame kind so that ASARI can get her feet up.  Shimoda's out,
which allows ASARI to hit two straight Sky-Twisters for the upset at 13:36.  Obviously a
huge win for ASARI, and something Neo should've doen back in February during that
abortion of a handicap match against the Cachorrus.

1ST ROUND:  ETSUKO MITA vs. NICOLE BASS (8/15):  Mita is clearly NOT happy
about having to take this match, and who can blame her?  I think my second VCR died on
me specifically so it wouldn't have to take this.  Nicole no-sells everything, yells "WEAK!"
at Mita a whole bunch'o times and chokeslams Mita for the pin at 3:11.  This is
appropriate since whoever came up with the whole Bass ideas needs to get flashed by
Viscera every time they think of her.

1ST ROUND:  HIKARI FUKUOKA vs. KYOKO INOUE (8/15):  Now THIS is more
like it.  And Hikari's got the good hairdo back!  =)  She and Kyoko are working for 5 here
I guess to get the hellish taste of Bass out of everyone's mouths.  This match is actually
nothing special in and of itself, but compared to what previously transpired it's an all-time
classic.  Most of the match has Fukuoka pitching and Kyoko catching, although Kyoko
whips out this really fa(s)t fisherman suplex that was cool to see her do.  Fukuoka throws
everything in her arsenal at Kyoko, hitting two straight moonsault-footstomps for
near-falls at one point.  She goes for a third but Kyoko rolls out of the way, gets up and
lariats her.  She hits a second one and goes for the Niagara Driver; Fukuoka slips out from
behind her, but Kyoko grabs her and hits a SWEET German suplex for a near-fall, then
puts her away with a successful Niagara Driver at 14:45.  Good stuff considering this was
the semifinal of the "Winner Has To Put Bass Over" tournament.

SEMIFINAL:  CHAPARITA ASARI vs. NICOLE BASS (8/16):  Replace "Mita" with
"ASARI," "WEAK!" with "You wanna fight?" and "3:11" with "1:57."  Postmatch Bass
celebrates with one of Neo's luchadoras (Muneca Oriental?) and hugs her half to death...
nah, I ain't even touching that one.  Shimoda's feeling pretty good right about now since
she was spared the honor of putting Nicole Himherit's Lumbering, Sucky Majesty over at
some point.

SEMIFINAL:  KYOKO INOUE vs. FANG SUZUKI (8/15):  FANG! has Shark, Crusher,
Ryuna, The Bloody and Echisera as backup.  FANG! jumps Kyoko before the match starts
while Kyoko lays the smackudownu on Shark via the house mic.  FANG! uses Pipe-Fu on
Kyoko and whips her to the ropes, but Kyoko hits a lariat... and gets the pin!  15 seconds!
Shark's flunkies all hit the ring, but Kyoko takes them out single-handedly and we get the
hysterical visual of Kyoko rumbling after Shark and Crusher to the back like they stole her
sack of White Castles.  And the hits just keep on coming...

MIMA SHIMODA/ETSUKO MITA/SAYA ENDO vs. LIONESS ASUKA/ ECHISERA/
THE BLOODY (8/16):  Mita has yet to learn that two wrongs don't make a right, as she
isn't even attempting to sell for Lioness's younger partners.  Shimoda juices big-time from
her mouth after getting sent into one of the gates by Lioness.  Cachorrus hit the railing
dive on Lioness but Saya misses her diving legdrop.  Lioness follows with a SICK
powerbomb on Endo on a pile of chairs.  Chair-Fu ensues as Mita uses her "boy" chair on
Lioness, but Lioness comes back with kicks and a chokeslam.  Mita makes the save;
Echisera grabs her from behind and Bloody goes for a missile dropkick, but Mita ducks
out of the way.  Mita goes for a powerbomb and Echisera gets a surprise roll-up out of it;
she hits the ropes only for Mita to give her a *satanic* Blazing Chop on the rebound.
Mita goes for the DVD but Echisera slips behind.  She holds Mita for Lioness, but Mita
flips her off and ducks just as Lioness accidentally lariats Echisera.  Mita powerbombs
Echisera and proceeds to RUIN her with a sick DVD, at which point Shark, Crusher and
their cronies decide to "Konnan" the rest of the match.  Shark uses her barbed-wire kendo
stick to juice Mita and Shimoda and hovers around for the rest of the match while Lioness
uses Shimoda's "girl" chair on Mita.  Everyone runs around like chickens with their heads
cut off until Shark's interference backfires on Lioness.  Mita hits the DVD and steals
Shark's stick away, but Endo inexplicably prevents her from using it on anyone.  Shark
takes out the both of them, Bloody gives Mita a revenge railing dive and Lioness puts
everyone who hates crap like this out of their misery with a Liger Bomb on Mita for the
pin at 24:14.  Postmatch Endo and Shimoda screech at each other for whatever it was that
Endo was doing.

TOURNAMENT OF NEO STAGE 1998 FINAL:  KYOKO INOUE vs. NICOLE BASS:
Bass no-sells everything... this is a recording.  Kyoko actually gets Bass on her knees and
hooks a sleeper on but Bass reaches the ropes.  Bass gets back up and hits Kyoko with
some Jean-Claude Gosh Darn kicks, then rolls Kyoko outside and roars at her.  TOPE
CON HILO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No wait, that was the hallucinations.  Kyoko heads back
in and they do a test of strength; Kyoko starts to win but Bass comes back, picks her up
and damn near kills her with the sloppiest powerbomb I've ever seen.  Bass follows with
two chokeslams and gets the pin.  Postmatch the two embrace and Kyoko passes out, no
doubt contemplating the future of her promotion after this debacle.  "Could be worse-
could've been a transvestite male kickboxer."  Come to think of it, Bass could be in that
boat too.

What more has to be said?  Fuck Bass, fuck Kyoko, fuck Neo, fuck ASARI and Mita for
also putting this moose over, fuck Jimmy Suzuki for being the middleman, fuck Korakuen
Hall management for allowing them to run these matches.  Oh, and fuck Led Zeppelin for
eternally ruining "Black Dog" for me now that Bass used it as her theme.  That should
about cover all the bases.
 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$$$$$$$ why would youSINGLES GOING STEADYever let me down now?$$$$$$$$$$
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
############# JR RYDER/ INFERNO KID/ DEVON STORM/ TWIGGY RAMIREZ/
STEVE CORINO/ ACE DARLING- INDEPENDENT STARS OF PROFESSIONAL
WRESTLING: Somewhere in New Jersey This Year (RASMUSSEN)- This match was
SUPERCool.  HOW COOL, you ask?  I can’t remember who was on what team because
it was an elimination match and wound up with a sort of extended four way dance type
spotfest thing going for itself.  Tim brought it over and we all watched it while eating
Krispy Kreme doughnuts and we were finally impressed by Twiggy Ramirez after being
underwhelmed by him in the Eddie Gilbert memorial or the NWA light heavyweight
tournament or something.  Here, he finally showed that he will freakin DIE and you get to
watch.  Inferno fearlessly washes the ugly taste of his Super Eight 98 performance out of
our collective head by hitting some really decent highspots.  This has the Highspot Train
that SOMEBODY needs to steal.  After all six die in varying degrees of coolness in
succession, ref Mike Keener gets in on the act and hits a swanky plancha off the ringpost.
Really fun- can’t remember the teams or who won.  I remember it was a ll good and shit.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$ KOJI NAKAGAWA vs TETSUHIRO KURODA- 9/8/98; Tokyo, Japan:
(RASMUSSEN)- This is from the SWANK~!  FMW BRAINBUSTER SPECIAL
Commercial Tape that features the All-gal band rock stylings of Ricky Fuji- as he takes a
stab at recreating the magic that Glass Tiger once conjured.  It’s a great tape but too
clipped to review.  It does have only slightly clipped matches on it that are substantial
enough to review and I’ma review those here each week for a while so get stoked.
Soooooo Kuroda is the best little wrestler in FMW for some reason.  I mean, c’mon- Koji
Nakagawa stinks and this match is great.  Okay, this isn’t great but it’s great considering
Koji Nakagawa is involved. They fight over a fork early and Koji wins so Kuroda does a
fourteen alarm bladejob to get the festivities underway.  Nakagawa’s offense is tentative
as hell, he can never figure out where he is in the match and he sells like a Powerplant
rookie but Kuroda sets up Nakagawa’s spots as well as they can be set up and then really
wrestles for two to make Nakagawa look less like a pint-sized Lex Luger.  Also Kuroda
works a-plenty stiff to compensate for the lack of stiffness from Koji- including Hirota’s
big league Lariat and swanky suplex collection.  Nakagawa is only a bunch of low blows
in this match and- lucky for us- Koji goes over with three variations of a lowblow so the
Fit Finlay of FMW moniker for Kuroda would fit here because he just carried the hell out
of a wrestler that he is fifty times better than.  Kuroda is one to watch and the fact that a
Nakagawa match is better than the Ricky Fuji vs Gedo match says volumes for Kuroda.
GO FIGURE!
$$$$$$$$$$$$ YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI/ ASTRO JR/ TONY RIVERA/ ORIENTAL vs
KARLOFFE LAGARDE JR/ VIOLENCIA/ ZUMBIDO/ ULTIMO GUERRERRO-
EMLL; 1/9/99: (RASMUSSEN)- Y’know, with such a murderer’s row of bumpaholics,
highspot addicts, armdrag masters and in-ring speed freaks, I was absolutely AMAZED
that this baby would tank thoroughly as it did.  It DEEPLY has it’s moments- what with
the sheer insane talent involved, but this doesn’t deliver the goods like it should and I was
sorely disappouinted.  The GOOD: Zumbido, Rivera and Violencia die early as Rivera
does an apron hurricanrana on Zumbido and Violencia does a FAT tope con hilo on
Rivera that the EMLLL cameraman AAA’s the hell out of./ Oriental does an inexplicably
GREAT and complicated swirling head scissors that he follows up with a nine part
armdrag that was just MOTHERFUCKING GREAT- a sort of Volador full-extension
armdrag but in double time and with extra flourishes.  They botch the WAR springboard
rana, but it’s tricky enough to shake off if you are the viewer.  BAD: LaGarde eliminates
Tajiri after one Asai moonsault and no stiff kicks or Tarantulas or anything.  GOOD:
Oriental and Ultimo Guerrerro do a cool sequence where UG uses his Black Warrior Lite
offense to eliminate Oriental with a Doctor Bomb after hitting a Judo throw into a
Belly-to-belly.  Despite some decent work by Zumbido (and a REAL hurty knee
entanglement while trying to go over the toprope), the rest of this is a long train of blown
spots, crappy tenative random spots, spots for the sake of spots- everything you don’t
want in a match like this.  These guys all ROCK like a hurricane.  Welcome to an off
night.
$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FINALLY, from the DVD HOLLENDAISE reading room:
------- FROM PARTS UNKNOWN #4; Unknown Publications, P.O. Box 1133, Waltham,
MA 02454 or check yer local comic/zine/head shop: (POGO PETE)- This is the lucha
culture magazine that should be required reading if you have the slightest interest in
Nosotros Deporte Grande.  I finally stumbled across this bad boy at Jim Hanley's Universe
in NYC, and it was definitely worth the search.  The Dr. Wagner Jr. interview was worth
the price of admission alone as they actually explained the origin of the insignia on the side
of Wagner's mask and went into the history of the "bad doctor" gimmick in Mexico as well
as the States.  There's also a great feature on sitting ringside at the Anaheim WPW shows.
Having proudly sported a bruise for several weeks after having La Parka embed a Chicago
Amphitheater guardrail into my arm with a tope back in '96, I could totally relate to
Karleen Klassy's similar pride in her bruise from Blue Panther landing on her.  The FPU
crew delve into the world of lucha porn comics, Jaime Hernandez supplies a pin-up, and
even the Barnett ad is good for a laugh.  Easily worth the $3.95.

NEXT WEEK:  Naimark reviews a gay porn tape mis-labelled "Vale Tudo Open '98"- and
doesn't notice the difference.  Ripper writes 5000 words on how Gary Hart sweating at
ringside changed the face of wrestling forever.  Schneider has to make up a bunch of stuff
about ARSION because whittled out the insides of the tape to make a pipe so he could get
the full effect of UmmaGumma during his third annual One Man Hackysack Tournament
in his mom’s basement.

We are DVD-HOLLENDAISE- THREE FISTS IN THE FACE OF WRESTLING.

Every so often everybody’s baby gets the urge to roam- but everybody’s baby but mine’s
coming home.
                                  JOHNNY CASH, Train of Love.
 

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