It's Foghat time once again. This week the real deal brings you more summations of quality professional wrestling and mixed martial arts. The itch your sister can't scratch, Phil Schneider handles some cusp of the century All Japan (meanwhile the Last American Virgin Ray Duffy handles himself), The Ice Cream Man Phil Rippa attacks some ECW TV which sort of didn't suck (meanwhile Mark Madden's fatter brother Dean attacks a quart of Nutter Butter) First up this week, the man who is so fly his shit smells like Strawberry Ice Cream, Mike Naimark, as he takes on part one of the Universal Vale Tudo Fighting (meanwhile the man who's strawberry ice cream smells like shit Pete Stein fights the forces of soap). Sit back and enjoy cybersurfers.
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UNIVERSAL VALE TUDO FIGHTING
(UVF6)
(by Mike Naimark)
Salutations and huzzah, fellow fight fans! If you're like me, then you know that nothing tops off a hard day at work better than a glass of single malt Scotch, your favorite Foghat album, and eight frenzied professional ass-kickers beating the beejeebers out of each other in the misty jungles of lust that are Brazil. But feel free to skip the single malts and even the Foghat if need be; one shouldn't let one's musical deprivation or preference for lukewarm "Mister Beer" get in the way of this trip to the land where men are butch and the women spend an inordinate amount of time in g-strings. Unlike my trip to the Florida Keys, which showed quite the opposite trend. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME! On with the show, and what a show we've got! Four of North America's most intense MMA'ers go nose-to-nose with four of Brazil's Vale Tudo elite in a nationally broadcast sport TV event in a little something we like to call.....
UNIVERSAL VALE TUDO FIGHTING (UVF6)
I'll just get this out of the way early and mention that between every match, smokin' hot Latina mamas in one-piece g-strings parade around the ring with cards bearing the name of technique of the participants for each event. I can only image the gooey mess that Jerry Lawler would make if he were calling these fights; I'd wager the girls on display here are much closer to King Jerry's preferred female demographic than Sable and the rest of the WWF Cleavage Crew.
Quarterfinal #1 - Carlao Baretto
(1.9M 106Kg, BJJ) v Geza Kalman (1.82M 130Kg, shoot wrestling)
Carlao Baretto has to be considered one of the
most impressive athletes to every come out of the Brazilian fighting world.
Tall and lean with long limbs and great balance, Baretto adds to
his physical gifts with training from Carlson Gracie Jr, perhaps the top
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Vale Tudo teacher in Brazil. Geza Kalman is undoubtedly
the missing Third Rotten Brother, as he resembles Ian and Axl so closely
that he could easily waltz into any Indy hardcore promotion on the east
coast and be mobbed with clueless autograph marks. Baretto opens with a
lunging punch which Kalman ducks and shoots in with a waistlock. Holding
on to Baretto's hips, Kalman drives Baretto to the ropes with such force
that they both tumble over the top rope and to the floor! Thank god Bill
Watts wasn't on hand! They reset in the ring and circle; neither guy has
much of a career in boxing ahead of them. Baretto lunges again, and
Kalman grabs the hips and tries to drive Carlao back over the ropes,
but this time Baretto expects the bull rush and backpeddles sweetly, throwing
short punches that score repeatedly on Kalman's noggin. Kalman's momentum
almost sends him tumbling out of the ring as Baretto sidesteps him and
continues firing punches. Baretto clinches and tries and overhead crucifix,
but Kalman?'s beefy shoulders are too wide for even Carlao's long arms.
Kalman grabs the ropes and uses his ample frame to pin Carlao to the ropes
while the big Canadian wheezes and gasps for air. After the ref breaks
the men, Kalman lunges and misses badly; imagine Viscera after a couple
of flights of stairs, just to give you an image. They grapple standing
briefly before Kalman, in a last gasp of effort, lifts Baretto straight
off his feet with a bodyslam-type lift and attempt to trow him OVER THE
TOP ROPE! Sadly, Kalman is too short and too bushed to heave the thrashing
Brazilian, and ends up trapped in a corner with Baretto's forearm
across his throat in a guillotine choke. Kalman waits a few seconds before
it occurs to him that, HEY, he's feeling a little faint! The lack of oxygen
jump-starts his enfeebled brain and with one mighty effort, Kalman rears
back and punches Carlao right in the balls. This just pisses Carlao off,
so he stands up straight and really cranks on Kalman's neck. The Missing
Rotten Brother quickly decides to do the job, and taps out.
Winner by submission, CARLAO BARETTO!
Quarterfinal #2 - Judimar Hypolito
(1.86M 93Kg, boxing) vs. Dan Bobish (1.86M 132Kg, wrestling)
Longtime FogHeads may remember Dan Bobish from
his World Fighting Federation squash match over Joe "Ghetto Man With the
Gold Turban" Charles. Just to clear things up, there is no truth to the
rumor than the WWF wants to counter WCW's signing of Tank Abbott by signing
Bobish and giving him the character of "Dan Boobish", complete with a giant
nipple on his bald head. Who starts these rumors, anyways? Five seconds
into the match, both men throw right hand leads. Both connect. Bobish blinks,
and Hypolito goes flying backwards like he was hit with a shotgun blast.
Bobish follows him to the ropes and lands a picturesque combination of
a right cross, straight left, and a huge right hook that nearly severs
poor Judimar's head. The ref stops the fight while Hypolito still has a
chance of being able to feed himself the next day.
Winner by knockout and meeting Carlao Baretto
in the semis, DAN BOBISH!
Quarterfinal #3 - Ebenezer Braga
(1.88M 96Kg, Luta Livre) vs. Kevin Randleman (1.82M 100Kg, wrestling)
Ebenezer Braga also fights under the names of
Ebenezer Fontes and Ebenezer Fontes Braga. You can image how long it took
me to figure all that out. He's a typical excellent Brazilian ground fighter
with a slight build and powerful guard. Kevin Randleman is a freakin' nut.
Its bad enough he's escorted to the ring by Mark "Hammerhead" Coleman wearing
a Walkman and presumably jamming away to some unheard groove (what would
YOU listen to before a match where you will undoubtedly be rolling around
on the ground with a fairly hairy Brazilian? Luther Vandross? Lionel Richie?
Iron Maiden?), but once Randleman enters the ring, he assumes the Rick
Steiner "Doggy Style" pose in the corner and sits there, huffing and puffing.
Randleman is a freestyle wrestler, and one of the most amazing physical
specimans to ever compete in MMA. They start with some weak boxing, but
since Braga seems reluctant to commit to a punch, Randleman starts hot-dogging
and taunting Braga with his chin. The crowd sounds like they're woofing
- could they really be closet Rick Steiner marks? The men clinch and grapple
standing until Randleman takes Braga down with a waistlock against the
ropes. Braga quickly leaves the ring, and I stop and rewind my tape too
see if he was pushed out or rolled out himself. Instead I see that when
Randleman clinches for the takedown, he reaches down and grabs "Little
Ebenezer", causing "Big Ebenezer" to wince visibly. Hey, I winced too.
As Braga climbs back into the ring, Randleman is in one corner yanking
off his shooto gloves - he's gonna bare-knuckle it, Vale Tudo style! Randleman
shoots and drives Braga to the ropes again, but can't take him down. He
wants the double leg, but Ebenezer ain't gonna have none of that. For 3-4
minutes they jockey for position until Randleman explodes and rips Braga's
legs from under him, landing in the guard. Very low in the guard, which
isn't the place you want to be against a skilled BJJ'er. Braga immediately
starts rifling punches and elbows to Randleman's exposed head, and Kevin
desperately tries to figure out why the hell he's in trouble since he just
knocked his opponent on his ass. MORE ELBOWS! MORE PUNCHES! MORE LUMPS
on Randleman's shiny dome! Randleman throws some wild punches that miss
and continues to drive forward with his enormous leg strength. Braga ends
up outside the ring again. On the restart, Randleman misses a punch but
follows up by catching the leaning Braga with a flying Goldberg-style tacklethat
Braga sold like a pro, kicking up his heels and everything! Braga immediately
pulls Randleman into his guard, thus preventing the dreaded Jackhammer.
Some elbows and fists to the top of Randleman's skull, and Braga is being
scooted out of the ring by the wrestler. Outside the ring Mark Coleman
is trying to push Braga back in, which draws some good heel heat from the
crowd. Braga and Randleman exchange punches from the guard, with The Brazilian
coming out of the exchange with a small cut under his left eye before being
shoved to the floor again. On yet another restart, the men close and start
throwing big punches - Randleman is clearly the much stronger of the two,
and seems to have a sizable edge in handspeed as well, peppering Braga's
face with piston-like punches. To his credit, Braga fires back with a viscous
knee strike to the gut and a kidney punch. The men clinch, and on review
of the tape I can clearly see Kevin Randleman pull....uh...what the hell
is that? Braga's underwear? Apparently Braga is wearing black underwear
under his tights, and Randleman is looking to give him a wedgie. Pulling
the undies, grabbing the balls....Can a thumb up the ass be far behind?
The men grapple until Randleman lashes out with more strikes, several of
which land solidly, but Braga throws a few hard shots of his own. After
being rocked by a swift uppercut, Braga returns with a nasty kneestrike
to the jaw that snaps his head back, followed by repeated kneestrikes to
the ribs. Those Luta Livre guys always love that Muay-Thai, don't they?
Some great Greco-Roman style grappling for position here, until Randleman
pushes away from his opponent and a brutal three-punch combination that
sends Braga straight to the mat with his eyes rolled back in his head.
The End? As Randleman leaps to the ground to finish him, Braga instinctively
gets the guard and starts throwing elbow strikes, even though you can clearly
see his head bobbing and eyes rolling from the force of Randleman's blows.
THAT'S why the Brazilians have been so successful with their technique;
anybody else would have been easy pickings after such a drubbing. The crowd
is totally rabid for Braga now; this smaller Brazilian has taken everything
that the American Adonis can throw at him, and keeps firing back. The ref
orders another restarts after Braga almost falls to the floor again, and
you can clearly see Braga's rubbery legs as he walks up the stairs to the
ring. He's taken a helluva lot of abuse tonight. Randleman attempts some
punches, but amazingly Braga counters immediately with a right cross followed
by a standing kick to the ribs! Randleman steps back and spears Braga again,
taking him down to the mat where he winds up absorbing more elbows and
punches. You gotta get HIGH in the guard if you want to punch, Mr Wrestler
sir. Didn't Mark Coleman warn you about that ? Nah, Coleman is too busy
yelling at some rube in the audience. And he looks PISSED, with ropelike
veins protruding from what would be his neck, if he had one. In a weird
moment, Randleman kicks Braga, which draws a loud chorus of boos and
whistles from the audience because Randleman is wearing wrestling shoes.
The ref warns him not to kick, and Randleman nods before charging into
a beautiful straight right on the chin from Braga. Randleman doesn't even
blink beforethrowing half-a-dozen sharp punches at Braga in the corner,
with a few of them landing. How Ebenezer, who is built like Sean Waltman,
can take this abuse and keep coming back is a mystery to me. Randleman
now works the body, which he should have done 15 minutes ago. Some nice
shots to the ribs and gut have Braga gasping for air now, and Randleman
goes for the kill with an enormous uppercut that connects with authority!
Braga?'s head is rocked so vigorously that the entire front row is showered
with sweat, but rather than drop or tap out, Braga shows he's got BALLS
THE SIZE OF CANTELOPES and actually lands a solid kneestrike to the solar
plexus followed by a wild left! Randleman returns fire with a left-right-left
combination that has Braga's head flopping around like he'd whizzed on
the electric fence! The fans are going nuts! Braga counters with an uppercut,
but the punch is all arm and no technique. Randleman counters with a winging
left cross that rocks Braga yet again! What is keeping this guy up? They
grapple again, both men gasping for air when suddenly, without warning,
the referee steps in and halts the match! Why? Damn my lack of Portuguese,
but apparently we've reached our 30-minute time limit here! WOW! What a
match! Non-stop action and groundfighting acumen from start to finish.
The judges rule in favor of Randleman, which has to be considered a mild
surprise. Braga would continue to show the kind of guts and technique on
display here as he fought all over the world, meeting some of the best
fighters on any continents and never being embarrasses, to the point where
he received a nomination for the vaunted "DVDVR 1998 Fighter of the Year".
But this was 1997.
WINNER BY DECISION, KEVIN RANDLEMAN!
Quarterfinal Match #4 - Mario
Sucata (1.8M 107Kg BJJ) vs. Big Daddy (1.92M 118Kg, Freestyle:)
"Big Daddy" is, of course, Gary "Big Daddy" Goodridge,
UFC veteran and world arm-wrestling champ. A hulking and ominous figure,
Goodridge would be a perfect wrestling goon if he weren't so damn erudite
in his interviews. Its almost funny seeing him try and play the thug. Goodridge
steps over the top rope into the ring, which must be some kind of record
for the shortest man to every do so. Sucata shoots for the double-leg,
and Big Daddy sprawls with a front facelock. They grapple standing to a
corner (and DAMN do I hate holding MMA events in a boxing ring) and Sucata
tries another double-leg. This time Big Daddy sprawls and tries to do some
fancy amateur wrestling reversal, which naturally looks like shit and results
in him losing his initial advantageous position (briefly having Sucata's
back) and ending up right where Sucata wants him (all together now), IN
THE GUARD! Goodridge works some kidney punches, but Sucata is doing a good
job of keeping Gary's head down near his navel. Big Daddy tries a punch,
but ends up losing his arm to a Sucata keylock from the guard. Goodridge
thrashes violently to escape this submission, and ends up rolling over
and shaking Sucata off him. Sucata is standing while Goodridge suddenly
realizes that he's on his back on the ground. Quick as a flash, Goodridge
grabs the bottom rope and pulls his ass out of the ring to a chorus of
boos. The men circle on the restart, with zero head movement and ponderous
footwork. They grapple standing as Goodridge holds a facelock against the
ropes. At one point, Goodridge throws a headbutt....to Sucata's back! The
crowd laughs audibly, and Goodridge looks chagrined. Looks like a putz
is more like it, but I like Gary, and I never know who's gonna read this.
Big Daddy tries for an overhead crucifix, but as soon as his hands are
about to lock, Sucata drops to the mat to avoid the move. Goodridge ends
up with a side mount, and Sucata fearlessly rolls over and gives him his
back. Naturally, Goodridge makes a clueless attempt at a rear-naked choke
that allows Sucata to stand up easily. Sucata peppers Goodridge with punches
now, punctuated by a stiff straight left as they grapple to the ropes.
Suddenly, I notice Goodridge tapping on Sucata's back. HUH? Yep, clear
as day, Big Daddy turned into a Big Pussy and tapped out after only a couple
of minutes and little damage. If you put money on him, you're a Big Dummy.
Winner by tap-out, MARIO SUCATA!
So the quarterfinals are finished, with the semi brackets shaping up to be Carlao Baretto against Dan Bobish, and Kevin Randleman against Mario Sucata. This is shaping up to be the biggest UVF in the history of our great sport! But...FANS! We're out of time! Be sure to tune back in next week and see the thrilling conclusion of this tournament! Can Kevin Randleman recover enough stamina to overcome Sucata? Can Baretto overcome an awesome striker like Bobish? Will the sultry Latinas show us just a little more skin? You don't have to call the hotline to find out, just tune back in to your only source for Death Valley Driver goodness. DVDVR-Foghat, tellin' ya to have a Slow Ride, and Take it Easy!
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ECW TV (March 1999)
(By Phil Rippa)
Phil and I had this long conversation about ECW TV and the good and bad of it. It can be sooooooooooo the worst episode of Heat as they have 19 promos for pay per views and for videos (Hey, didya' know that you could still buy Just Another Night In ECW. If you ask nicely Dean might lend you his copy.) Of course, there is also the long-winded Taz interviews, BRUTHA! But when the wrestling starts, it can be all sorts of good. This week's episode (which is taken from matches at House Party '99) is the perfect example of this.
The show opens with the Dudley Boyz calling out Public Enemy again. It is an interesting promo as their is no Gertner intros and no Dudley cheap heat. Of course, they have been reading the ECW guide to giving interviews, as they toss the word shoot around like it actually means something. Oh well. This is the first part of the segment where the Dudleys mock PE until Grunge and Rock finally hit the ring for their two week return before going to the WWF for that ill-fated career move.
Skull Von Krush vs. Sid
Well, okay. Not every match is going to be good.
But this is mercifully short with Sid chokeslaming Krush through a table
and then using the Let Me Gently Place Him On The Mat powerbomb twice.
Yipee!
Super Crazy vs. Tajiri
You are never going to have any complaints when
these two are gracing your television screen. This was match two between
the two. The first one, from Guilty As Charged, was good but it was a flashy
spotfest designed more to heat up the crowd and show what these two guys
could do. This match had better transitions and had more solid wrestling
to intertwine with the spots. (Of course, the third match was really great
as they do a extended mat sequence that completely baffles that ECW crowd.)
The opening seconds of the match are to die for as Tajiri hits an over
the ringpost tope con hilo, a wicked kick to the head and the Tarantula.
Super Crazy raises Tajiri and spots him with an absolute GORGEOUS Asai
Moonsault and an equally beautiful Quebrada. Super Crazy then slows things
down as he grounds Tajiri by working on over his back. The inverted surfboard
is nice. The rolling inverted surfboard was even better. The Romero Special
was the best. Tajiri's only answer is to kick, kick, kick for the home
team as he blasts away atSuper Crazy's ear. The two go back and forth a
little more and then Tajiri makes the fatal mistake of telegraphing a missile
dropkick. Super Crazy steps out of the way, connects with a powerbomb and
then finishes things off with a spinning reverse DDT. Super Crazy evens
the series up. I was a little disappointed that they didn't tease Tajiri
going for the Brainbuster (which was his finisher on the PPV). That would
have added another element of psychology that I would have really dug.
But I still have no complaints with this match.
Taz vs. Shane Douglas
This match had no business being as decent as
it was. I mean I HATE Taz and Shane Douglas is not even close to being
one of my favorite wrestlers so when this two actually have a watchable
match that isn't booked 17 ways to Sunday, I was shocked. Anyway, the match
was supposed to be Taz vs. Chris Candido but Candido gets punked by Douglas
as payback for when Candido turned on Douglas at Guilty As Charged. (Okay,
so maybe two ways to Sunday.) Douglas gets on the STICK, yammers about
giving the fans a real world title match because he and Taz were true champions.
I think he also mentioned something about there never being a real title
match in ECW. That's okay fellas, I'll pretend that those Whipwreck/Sandman
matches never happened. Anyhoo, the really bizarre thing is that the two
get all amateur to start. The exchange waistlocks, schoolboys, etc.. and
it could have been more interesting if Shane hadn't been wearing a full
cast on his right hand. The sequence was nothing spectacular but it was
so not what you expected that it draws you in. Eventually the action spills
outside the ring and they start brawling through the crowd making their
way up towards Joey Styles and Rob Feinstein's Video. This leads to the
classic moment of Taz crashing through the table and taking out all of
RF Video's shoot interviews of himself and the 12 Best of Sabu tapes. When
they move back into the ring things get interesting again. Taz kicks out
of a belly-to-back at 2 1/2. Taz then slaps the Tazmission on which Douglas
breaks by bashing the cast into Taz's head a half a dozen times. Taz reapplies
the Tazmission and then gives Shane a Tazmissionplex through a table for
a pin. It was a plain as day wrestling match that I did not expect to enjoy.
Hey, watta you know.
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All Japan (1999)
(by Phil Schneider)
Vader vs. Kenta Kobashi
This is the first singles match in their budding
feud (which should be settled in a Slab of Ribs on a pole match at AJPW
Souled Out.) This was also Big Leon's first singles match of note in All
Japan. They started with the big staredown, Kobashi was sporting the head
bandage, where Vader busted up his eye in a tag match. Shockingly for All
Japan they started with some mat wrestling, which is the first mat wrestling
I can remember since Dory Funk Jr. It wasn't Tamura v. Volk Han or anything,
but Vader controlled on the
top, and Kobashi was able to slip in a crossarmbreaker
with Vader struggling for a rope break, perfectly acceptable Japanese shootstyle
mat work and something All Japan should really get back to. Vader
then starts clubbering, hitting some stiff punches, mixed in with some
WwhiFfs. Vader takes Kobashi to the floor, and hits a lame Big Leslian
powerbomb, and a mediocre chair shot. When they get back to the ring, Kobashi
attacks Vader's knee with some dropkicks. Kobashi hits the big DDT, and
gets Vader in the corner and does his lame chops, which Vader sells like
he was being hit with a crowbar. Kobashi hits a vertical suplex and a backdrop
suplex and a nice missile dropkick. Kenta goes up and hits the tub of guts
moonsault, which he had been building to for the whole match. Vader kicks
out though and drops him with a lariet. Then Vader hits his bigger tub
of guts moonsault for a two count. Vader then hits him with a lariet and
a Vader bomb for the win. Pretty good match defiantly the best Vader has
looked in years. I was into the mat wrestling which Vader did well (being
from the AWA and the UWFI respectively), and I liked the race to the moonsault
psychology. Kenta was less irritating in this then he has been in a while,
but Vader still hasn't fully acclimated to the All Japan style. His stiffness
is still hit and miss, as he has gotten all loose from years of wrestling
the Godfather in Sioux City. He also oversells a lot, flipping and flopping
at the first sign of contact which I am sure is a reaction to having to
sell for the hammer like blows of Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Kane, however
this match did show a lot of potential, and Vader showed he still has the
athleticism to compete at a world class level.
Hopefully he will adjust to the style and actually inject some submission
and mat work
into the top level of All Japan.
Mitsaharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki
Kawada
Two of the all time greats battle for the belts,
certificates, bowling trophies and dry cleaning coupons that make up the
triple crown. Kobashi is at ring side with a 2lb bag of Doritos and a six
pack of ho-hos to do color. Kawada and Misawa make their beautiful music
together, and put on the kind of assured performance that only two of the
greats can do. They started with a nasty exchange of elbows which Toshiaki
gets the worst of, he decides to come back with his running kick to the
face. Misawa then elbows him out the ring and hits his choice elbow-suicida,
Misawa takes control in the ring hitting elbows and suplexes. The first
big offensive transition comes when Misawa goes up for a diving elbow and
gets caught right in the jaw by a jumping kick. Kawada then goes to work
hitting multiple running kick variations. He attempts his high-angle powerbomb
which Misawa counters with a rana. He then goes for a German suplex which
Misawa blocks with some elbows, Kawada tries to loosen him up by hitting
a uraken to the back of his head. AND TOSHIAKI KAWADA PROVES HE IS THE
MOST HARDCORE MOTHERFUCKER IN THE WORLD as he breaks his forearm on the
back of Misawa's head and doesn't even change expressions, I get more upset
if I spill salsa on my shirt. Kawada just readjusts the bone and goes back
to working for the German suplex. Kawada starts working over Misawa's leg
with some nasty kicks to the knee, but Misawa counters with elbows. Misawa
hits a Tiger Driver and a Tiger Driver '91 but his leg was too hurt to
cover. Misawa does a great job selling the hurt leg as Kawada goes after
it with kicks and a figure four (which Kawada does the toothless grin,
him and Ray's mom must go to the same dentist). He kicks Misawa down in
the corner and they exchange elbow smashes, with Kawada elbowsmashing him
with his broken right forearm. Kawada hits his swank brainbuster for a
two count, and then goes for the high angle powerbomb (the one move that
he has been able to beat Misawa with) Misawa attempts the rana counter
again but Kawada blocks it and drops him directly on his head with an unprotected
piledriver, in what might have been the nasty bump I have ever seen Misawa
take. It looked worse then the piledriver that broke Austin's neck, Kawada
is too exhausted to cover immediately so he only get a two count. Misawa
tries to hit some final elbows, but Kawada hits two high kicks and another
big brainbuster for the win. Amazing performance from both, which is even
more amazing when you consider that Kawada wrestled 17 minutes with a broken
arm and remained as stoic as an ATF agent. This is probably the second
best Misawa vs. Kawada match ever and in the Top Ten All Japan matches
ever. Sell the house, drown the dog but get your hands on a copy of this
tape.
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In an effort to fumigate ourselves of the abject
pessimism and despondence that those cheesy eggheads at DVD-Hollandaise
are so well known for, we at DVD-Foghat proudly introduce:
@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!SINGLES GETTIN' LUCKY!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!
'Cause you don't need to go steady to get
lucky. No mother jokes, please.
UFC13 (NAIMARK) - Randy Coutre
vs. Tony Halme
Most of you will recognize Tony Halme as the
WWF's former Ludvig Borgia, a hulking 6'5 290lb behemoth who also holds
a European Heavyweight boxing title with a stagger 10-0 record (big deal;
when I boxed at the Allen Park Gym in Miami, the current German Heavyweight
Champ of the time, Reiner Hartmann, was training there for his "big" American
debut. I left with the
conclusion that anyone could win a boxing title
in Europe, as long as they didn't run out of countries before they ran
out of brain cells). Before his fight, Halme give one of the alltime great
UFC interviews, where he announces that his strategy will be to rip an
arm or leg out of the socket to make his opponent quit. He then claims
to have "Balls of Iron", which might be the follow-up to "Buns of Steel".
Randy Coutre is a Greco-Roman wrestler from the RAW (Real American Wrestling)
team. The match starts and Halme launches a big overhand right, which Coutre
ducks. One double-leg later, and Halme is flipping on his stomach to avoid
punches. A few more seconds, and Coutre has the rear-naked choke. I remember
watching this live and screaming, "Now! Tear his arm out of the socket!
NOW! THIS IS THE TIME!". Way to go tough guy. I can't even brush my teeth
in 30 seconds, and you went and got your ass kicked.
Winner by submission, Randy Coutre!
MTV'S BEACHBRAWL '99 (Rippa)
Hey this was the follow up to the wildly successful
Snowbrawl that MTV put on during the winter. That one was won by Bryan
Adams. This one features Rey Misterio Jr., Kidman, Hugh Morris, Chavo Guerrero
Jr., Saturn and Chris Jericho. Raven and Jimmy Hart join Kid Rock
as commentators. It is a basic battle royal with some random Metal Band
playing in the background. Morris gets tossed first as a couple of guys
team up on him. MTV uses this really annoying overhead camera that makes
your seasick if the stick on the shot too long. Everyone does their signature
moves during the course of the match, mainly to get over with the drunk
spring breakers. I know Kidman goes next. (It is funny to note that when
this was taped, Kidman was the Cruiserweight champ but they aired it the
week after he lost the belt to Rey. Oh well.) Jericho eliminates Saturn
somehow. Raven tries his best to comment on the match while Kid Rock drools
over the Nitro Girls. The final two guys are Rey and Jericho. Jericho wins
by dropkick Rey off the ropes. Hey, I guess this means he resigned! The
trophy celebration is cut short as Saturn hits the ring and beats up Jericho
and the
crowd goes mild. Kid Rock then invites everyone
to his room to party. If you are desperate to watch this, I'm sure someone
has it on their permanent tape. (Perhaps a big fat guy who lives in Richmond.)
ULTIMATE STREETFIGHTING (NAIMARK)
Two unknowns on a quiet street in broad daylight.
Since they're both grubbing around on the ground before you can bat an
eye, you KNOW they're Brazilian. The great thing about this fight is the
camera work, and the cameraman tries to evade the small handful of
observers and other obstacles that prevent him from getting a clear
shot of the action. As the fighters work on the ground, someone turns
from the crowd and angrily covers the lens of the camera. Shouting is heard,
followed by a thud. The picture returns after probably three minutes of
fumbling, but now the camera is on the other side of the fighters and somebody
has a torn shirt. Closer review of the video reveals that another man has
removed his watch or had it ripped off during the blackout. The man
who covered the camera is nowhere to be seen for the rest of this fight,
which ends when one man bashes the other's face with repeated headbutts
from inside the guard. I'll bet dollar to donuts that the real ass-whoopins'
took place off-camera. Damn, I miss all the good stuff.
@!@!@!@!@!@! Dean Rasmussen Braying
Jackass @!@!@!@!@!@!@!
Dean has developed a cult like following on the
Internet with his stupid ~ and CAPITAL LETTERS being aped by every dipshit
with a Raw Report who loves talking about ~DEBRA and ~8-BALL. In comparison
to his imitators Dean seems to be a fountain of information. This faux
knowledge is acquired by watching hundreds of hours of wrestling in his
mom's basement while feeding his Gila Monster Angie grub worms and throwing
a catnip ball at his Tabby Haley, while eating stuffed crust pizza after
stuffed crust pizza. Despite his wasted life he still has a wide ranging
ignorance of professional wrestling. Proof you say. FOGHAT brings you proof
Death Valley Driver Video Review #6
"On a MUCH better note Hisakatsu Ooya wrestles
Daisuke Ikeda from BattleArts. Ooya is the co-chairman of "Coolest Wrestlers
in a Garbage Wrestling Organization" (Masato Tanaka co-chairs) because
he pulled a good match out a BattleArts wrestler. Ikeda is pretty intense,
as most of those shootstyle types are, and does the usual shootstyle drill:
kick, knee, go for an cross armbreaker,
opponent gets to the ropes, stand up, kick, knee,
go for a knee bar, etc. Ooya stops the madness by suplexing the FUCK out
of him twice. Ooya is becoming a pro style mat fave of mine and he works
the half-assed shootstyle that IS BattleArts better than any of them do
and sells better any of those Pancrase never-weres ever could, and does
some of the most vicious, Benoitesque suplexes on earth"
Boy Hisakatsu sure rules, I can't believe he carried
that suckass Pancrase wannabe Daisuke Ikeda to something watchable. He
rules with his funny name and all, it has two O's HOW ~COOL IS~ THAT~?