WELCOME TO THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #84!

We here at the Death Valley Driver Video Review like to have a couple annual goals to shoot for each year and this year's was to get all the available wrestling of Puerto Rico that we could watch before our skulls jumped out of our heads. I think we achieved that to the utmost- with each of us having probably seven hours of unwatched bloodbaths on tape sitting around our respective houses. (The big goal for 1999 is the acquisition of all available AWA and the Bandits and Bodyguards PPV.) On the way to PR perfection this year, certain undeniable trends came to the surface and many other areas of our collective consciousness concentrated on certains wrestling styles and promotions and one can notice that "Little" seems to be the operative word for Tape Watching 1998 because- with the proliferation of the Women's Organizations and the Success Story That Was BattlARTS- many a door has opened to create many a podunk wrestling organization filled with future puroresu stars or august fly-by-night goofballs. Either way- we're gonna review the living crap out of it ALL of them for YOUR pleasure. And you find it pleasing..... As always, nCoGlenn, QUEBRADALorefice, Wildman BILLY, and assorted other folks ruled the world and supplied all the tape and we got to watch! Beautiful Mike Naimark makes his return as our SHOOTSTYLE SEX MACHINE. He sent this to me for the much-vaunted DVDVR #83, but it seems that my e-mail account and his e-mail will only speak to each other through a wall of attorneys so Schneider is the liason to supply the Naimark Goodness. Creamy Shootstyle Goodness. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.... We also forced pathetic-NY-Giants fan Phil Rippa to review LLPW much to his chagrine and delight. To get the incredibly GREAT unexpurgated version of his review before I bowlderized it (it melted my harddrive), send $4.00 in stamps or coin to the address at the end of the program. WHIP ASS! NOW- listen to meeeeee......

#$#$#$#$#$ BATTLARTS BATTLE STATION- 5/27/98
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Phil and Phil - who are the biggest OMEGA freaks on EARTH - driving down from frickin DC and all to see shows in armories in the backwoods of North Carolina - realized that they couldn't wait to get the Jeff Hardy in BattlARTS episode to show up on the trading block so they gathered up their assorted sheckles and drove to the trusty Jeff Lynchmart and got the BattlARTS BONANZA! WOO-HOO! BattlARTS frickin RULES. RINGS may be the heir apparent to the UWF legacy of shootstyle pro wrestling but BattlARTS makes it fun for the kids. Plus it's going for the super weirdo WAR feel of having super idiotic Gaijin guest stars which luckily hasn't made it's way to us yet. The sky's the limit for the lil promotion that could and I FEEL the love.

Carl Greco/Mach Junji vs Takeshi Hijikata/ Takemura
Mach Junji is a little bald-headed freak who fearlessly takes it to the mat with Hijikata. Takemura - wearing Curt Hennig workout pants- is quite the budding indie superstar because he is smooth as silk on the mat and he tries to strangle our boy Mach early on. Mach gets in a few reversals but since Mach is the young lesser partner to the Ikeda level positioned Greco he becomes quite the shootstyle Boy In Peril. Junji makes the hot tag after Hijikata kicks him right in the face a few times and Carl Greco comes- wearing shoes for once, thank God- and starts tearing Hijikata a shootstyle new one. Greco goes to great lengths to make Takemura look good so I'm guessing the Takemura Push 98 IS ON! Greco Volk Hans the living hell out of Hijikata with a full body Cobra Clutch for the swanky finish. This was very much in the Fujiwara Mat Theory of Worked Shoot but it wasn't close to reaching the beautiful intensity that BattlARTS hits when its ON as a promotion. And Carl Greco is great on the mat, but he's not hellfire and dynamite like Ikeda is so this is only gonna get so good. Mach Junji- Cult Superstar BEGINS NOW!

Takeshi Ono/Ikudo Hidaka vs Mohammed Yone/ Tomoaki Honma:
Hidaka is a tiny guy who does a lot of highflying that first came to my attention when he wasn't getting the hell kicked out of him enough by BattlARTS badasses Usuda and Okamoto a few DVDVRs back. Here, they once again spare the little punks life by comically teaming him with superdick ass-stomper Takeshi Ono. Honma is Big Japan's wacky highflyer who is REALLY not afraid to kick you really hard. Mohammed Yone is one of the better scrawny hardkicking mat boys to make it to the top of the heap in BattlARTS. This adds up to a lot of guys getting beaten all to hell and I'm all for that. BattlARTS is leaning WAAY hard on the lucha highspots these days which adds a weird elemental twist to the basic evolution of BattlARTS- being that it started as half-assed mega-indie shoestring budget UWFi, and then Ikeda found The Style to take them to the top by combining old-style US Pro-style psychology with the submission holds. He synthesized these elements perfectly a couple of times to produce some of the most harrowingly intense indie wrestling in the world (see the amazing match at the Onoki Samurai Debut Card). The weird thing is that one would figure that when BattlARTS was closer to Michinoku Pro as co-indie comrades- with each switching off key workers (as TAKA and then-BattlARTS boy Shoichi Funaki formed a great interpromotional tagteam as the pinnacle of the Indie Japanese mutual admiration society they shared) one would think that THAT would have been where the high flying would have infiltrated the freaky shootstyle mongrelness that is BattlARTS. Now BattlARTS is aligned far more closely to Big Japan- with Big Japan trying to ape the BattlARTS style on the undercard, using most of the BattlARTS undercard to mix it up with their own erratic to very good young workers while BattlARTS has Minoru Tanaka doing Tope Con Hilos. You figure out the connection cuz I can't. The fact is that one of the greatest highflyers in wrestling- TAKA Michinoku- cut his shootstyle teeth in BattlARTS to the point where it actually allowed him to NOT get TOTALLY smoked by current hotshot shooterboy Keiichiro Yamamiya in Pancrase, and though TAKA never did anything flashier in BattlARTS than a springboard shindrop- and that was only during tag matches where it would look semi-shoot credible with Funaki holding the victim prone- it's strange now that this same promotion would have Hidaka aping all of TAKA's highflying spots. That should tell you of the zany progression this off-kilter style is taking. The basis of THIS match still boils down to Ikeda being taught by Fujiwara- who forsook Sayama's ideas of kicks and suplexes in favor of his own style of more matbased pseudoshoot- and to Ikeda teaching all these guys and dictating the style so the first layer is always on the mat and deep into submissions. The second layer is a strong adherence to a pro-style psycholgy- especially in the strongest matches in the promotion which are almost exclusively the tag matches- with the mixing of StiffAsHell kicks into the style and then this last wrinkle- the highgrade highspots. Welcome to the total opposite progression of current New Japan Junior Style (though one could say that the progression of NJ Junior style came about in a similar way: Pro Style (Fujinami) then Shootstyle (Takada) then the highflying (Liger). One would guess that All Japan Skull-crushing would be the next step. One hopes it doesn't get that predictable though.) As for this match, the point by the end was that Hidaka is fusing his highflying tendencies into his submissions as he is hitting superstylized, freaked-out submissions out of La Majistral and Hurricanranas into kneebars and the like. Takeshi gets in on the act with hitting a bizarro Lucha Submission that Dos Caras wrote on cocktail napkin once but it was too goofy for him to think about hitting. Ono also punks Yone a couple of ways- as basically as Straight Rights to the Face and as elaborately as a countering a Yone plancha with a chair to young Mohammad's fun-loving testicular area. This was a showcase for Hidaka and his freaky style and Honma's freaky counters to the aforementioned so it WASN'T enough about Ono and his AWESOME style and his cross-promotional hatred of Yone so this was good but not as intense as BattlARTS gets. Freaky.

Minoru Tananka vs Masaaki Mochizuki
Mochizuki is the truly SWANK Best Kept Secret in Puroresu- as he hides out in WAR and other midgrade indies that are in decline, so he is usually buried on WAR tapes that no one in their right mind would get. Luckily for you, Lorefice and I- of course- get all of them by hook or crook and the Mochizuki match on each tape will usually rule (see his Fucking Beautiful match against the other Best-kept Secret In Puroresu, Nobutaka Araya) unless he's wrangled into a tagteam with Fatboy Kitoa. Coming out of Kitoa's dojo has hindered his career because he can't escape the truly shitty influence of the big fat guy, but it also taught him to kick like a sumbitch and his independent mastery of psychology is a great wonder of Japanese independent wrestling- so Mochizuki is about as ripe for New Japan Junior picking as anyone this side of Wrestle Dream Factory's Fukada. Minoru Tanaka is one of the best guys on the mat anywhere and he also kicks real hard and he'll jump on the BattlARTS fat-ass highspot bandwagon these days so his matches are also usually great or- at the worst- weirdly good. This match is REALLY great combination of everything cool about these two wrestlers. The basic story keeps switching around during the match because idiosyncratic is the way the wildstyle of BattlARTS works. It starts off as it basically should- Mochizuki being the heavy hitter, crushing Tanaka's thigh and head in an attempt to paralyze and kill him. Minoru counters out of the kicks by flying into kneebars whenever an opening occurs. Mochizuki takes control early with a few knockdowns and then keeps getting more stylized in his kicks as this goes into his Freaked-out flying Judo kicks mode. After a few fat ass flying kicks to the head by Masaaki, Minoru opts for a different path and starts kicking the shit out of Mochizuki with great zeal. Michizuki takes the submission route to counter Minoru punting his head into the third row and THEN starts using submissions to set up even more elaborate highspot-intensive kicks. Minoru hits a big transition by countering a Dragon Suplex attempt by Mochizuki into a Northern Lights Suplex Floatover Into A Cross-ArmBreaker (which is what Rey Misterio needs to STEAL THE LIVING HELL OUT OF if his Springboard hurricanrana is breaking up his knees because it looks positively SPECTACULAR.) Mochizuki gets back on the offense and hits some Germans and a BIG roundhouse-kick. Minoru Tanaka gets the submission with a Standing LaMajistral into a Rolling Cross-Armbreaker. This was Stylish, Fabulous and Really GREAT. GET ALLLLLLLLLLLL THIS.

Alexander Otsuka vs Victor Kreuger
Hey! Alexander Otsuka tore Marco Ruas a new one a few months ago and now he's up against the big shootstyle lummox called Victor Kreuger. Actually, Kreuger is one of the more promising big men on the indie scene- it's a habit one can acquire of disparaging any American over 6'1 in wrestling boots so disregard my unfair lumping. Actually, when Baba gets around to seeing Krueger, he's gonna get that Big Texanesque Babawood all over again because this guy is green but he's got big league size, he's learning from a start-off point of shootstyle, and he's already fifty times better than Baba's current big-man hard-on Takayama, so expect Akiyama to be putting this guy over in a tag match near you SOON! This match was kinda clunky because it kinda slapped on these straight pro-style sections between the shootstyle stuff which is unneccessary when the straight shootstyle stuff was cool enough on its own. They were using an effective story of Otsuka using fast counters to keep Kreuger's vast strength advantage in check. For some reason, this kinda post-modernist juxtapositioning of styles which falls flat in assorted BattlARTS singles matches, tends to build to something weird and good in the tag matches. Here, it doesn't transcend any of the styles and just becomes a sampler of the styles involved- as they don't synthesize these components at all and the disjointed end product doesn't work because it's created by large lumpy passages that don't fit together at all. They go out of this foray and get back to Otsuka outsmarting the monster Krueger and Kreuger crushing, kicking and constricting the pink-beclad shooter. Otsuka takes a big beating at the end to save the last half of this match and they do the really cool ending where Krueger powers out of front choke and Otsuka traps Kreuger's head in this weird legvice to get the TKO. Highly experimental- which is good and a real strongsuit of the promotion- but not successful for a large part of the match.

Diasuke Ikeda vs Yuki Ishikawa
These are two BattlARTS patriarchs and they have a good little match as they go way too pro style for what I want out of a Diasuke Ikeda match, but Ikeda kicks the holy crap out of Ishikawa and Ishikawa counters by doing a Fujinami impersonation to Ikeda's Takada. Ikeda is probably the coolest wrestler in Japan right now. He's kind of a younger Fit Finlay- but I'm not sure if Finlay was this much of an ass-stomper in his youth. Ikeda is like Finlay in that he is a GREAT brawler first and foremost and that quality is augmented by flawless wrestling technical knowledge and flawless understanding of pro style psychology- so both work really great matches under any banner of wrestling style- but in a true whirlwind of mauling and brawling, these two are absolutely transcendent. Ishikawa is good, but he isn't gonna draw that kind of match out of Ikeda, so this is less than your more classic examples of Ikeda's Supertoughness and Will to inflict and accept a gargantuan ass-stomping. Kind of a lesser BattlARTS Battle Station but still stiff, quality stuff. And the Mochizuki vs Tanaka match is really, really great.

@!@!@!@!@!@! NEO LADIES JAPAN -LAS CACHORRAS ORIENTALES - "DO SCRAMBLE!" (2/25/98)
(by REV RAY DUFFY)
(This is a Neo-Ladies show listed as a Cachorras show.)

Tanny Mouse vs Chihiro Nakano
I think my thoughts on Tanny are probably well documented by now. Nakano kicks like Ernest Miller. Ah... sweeeeeeeet fast forward. Tanny wins the match with an underhook piledriver. When Tanny wins, there are two losers, her opponent and you, the wrestling fan.

Yuka Shiina vs Kyoko Ichiki
Ichiki does a triple jump plancha at the bell to jump Shiina. They mix it up early with Ichiki doing a run on the ropes to escape a corner whip and pulls an armdrag out of it. Shiina starts working the leg and starts doing submission holds, Ichiki counters by working Shiina's bad knee. Ichiki started to try to do some second rope springboard moves, Shiina countered one with a belly to back suplex and another by drop kicking the second rope causing Ichiki to fall to the mat on her back. Ichiki finally hits a second rope turn around body press. They do a lot of back and forth stuff, some looking good, some looking sloppy. Ichiki plays to the crowd a few times which often results in Shiina hitting her from behind. Shiina did a run up the ropes to counter a corner whip, but Ichiki runs up behind her and hits a sunset flip powerbomb out of the corner. Ichiki goes up and catches a drop kick to the knee from Shiina. Shiina survives 2 Fisherman Suplexes in the match, dodges a Rolling Senton and hits her diving lariat for the win. Not too great, but not too bad. Ichiki had a neat outfit. Post match, Shiina offers a handshake and then slaps Ichiki in the face leading to a mini cat fight which gets broken up.

Cooga (J'd) vs Chapparita ADULTERER
ASARI has a scarlet A in the middle of her outfit, so I guess her new gimmick is that of a homewrecker. Both women wear masks to the ring, take them off (though Cooga had a second mask on) and throw them out to the crowd. The opening segment is back and forth with one person hitting a move and having it countered on follow up move. Cooga controls after this exchange with a kick, a lariat and an Underhook Suplex. She goes for a Submission hold which ASARI turns into a surfboard, the a cross face lock, then a reverse Indian Deathlock. ASARI goes for a kick, which Cooga blocks and then counters with a bunch of kicks and stomps before putting ASARI in a Boston Crab. Cooga hits 2 flap jacks and a senton, ASARI tries to do a hand stand headscissors into the corner, but blows it. Cooga takes on a tour of the building so she can inspect all the lovely chairs at Koraken Hall. ASARI doesn't look really sharp or crisp at all in this and Cooga controls her for a large portion of the match. ASARI rallys back with some offense, takes really long to set up and hit a plancha from the post. ASARI hits the SkyTwister Press, Cooga kicks out. ASARI gets caught on the top and gets German Suplexed off. Cooga with a Rolling Senton and a Tiger Driver which gets kicked out of. Cooga with a Kappou kick and a shotay for the win. Post match Cooga does some mic work, she offers ASARI the mic, Tamura helps ASARI over so she can slap Cooga. Cooga lets her hit a few before she drops her with a slap and then Shotays her again and leaves.

The Bloody/Ryuna vs. Saya Endo/Chikako Shiratori
Endo attacks at the bell because, well, she's one of the Cachorras... abeit the one who's really just... there. I know the Bloody used to be the Bloody Phoenix, but I can't figure out why she's "The Bloody". She doesn't have a forehead like Dusty Rhodes. There must be some other reason we don't know about. I will refrain from making any comments about it being linked to a certain visitor that comes every month... whoops. Too late. Ryuna and The Bloody start using the trade mark weapon of their heel group in J'd, a chain, until Endo counters it. Chikako gets in some offense until Ryuna starts beating on her. Chikako makes the hot tag and Endo puts the beatin on the Bloody with some top rope drop kicks as well as some heel tactics. Chikako tags in and hits a bunch of DDTs and a top rope drop kick before the ever present second interferes on the Bloody's behalf. Bloody hits a Superplex and then Ryuna and the Bloody grabs chairs and start taking it to Chikako and Endo. Chikako blades and we get another split up brawl with Endo getting the best of the Bloody while Ryuna continues to beat up Chikako. The Bloody wraps their chain around her knee and knee lifts Chikako. Chikako escapes the onslaught when Ryuna hits The Bloody in the head by mistake with a chair off the top. The Bloody and Endo trade rolling cradles. Endo hits a nice cradle suplex move on the Bloody, she then hits a leg drop with a chair on top of the Bloody, Fang Suzuki makes the save. Ryuna makes the tag and uses the chain, Fang also helps some more. Ryuna hits a Rydeen Bomb. Ryuna hits a nice move, sort of a snap back slide move and Chikako makes the save with a Lance Stormesque chair shot. They double back suplex Ryuna on a chair. Ryuna fights back, hits a sort of Death Valley Driver on Chikako. The Bloody hits a series of Locomotion Suplexes spiked with a chain shot by Ryuna. Endo makes the save. Ryuna cuts Endo off and ties her up allowing the Bloody to win with a German suplex.

Kyoko Inoue/Misae Genki vs Etsuko Mita/Mima Shimoda
Genki is sort of the Taue of Neo Ladies. She's probaby the #4 local, she uses a lot of power moves and the choke slam. Kyoko is 6 Happy Meals and 4 lariats away from being a New Japan Heavyweight. This starts off with the usual mayhem we get from Mita and Shimoda. They give a split screen as Mita gives Kyoko the piledriver on a table and Mita drags Genki up the bleechers. Endo gets a railing and they do the railing ride from the highest point in Kouraken Hall as Shimoda climbs up a stairwell to the roof to do the move. When they finally get back to the ring, Genki challenges Mita to a test of strength. Genki is as tall as Mita and has an advantage until Mita pushes her hands to the mat and stomps them. Genki won't back down from them though. Kyoko comes in and does her Hippy Hippy Shake thing. Genki and Kyoko work on the legs and back of Shimoda. Shimoda tags and Genki counters Mita's Blazing Chop with a drop toe hold. Kyoko comes in, hits the corner DDT and the torture rack slam on Mita. Mita and Shimoda try a double team, but Kyoko hits her Spring Doubleback Elbow. Kyoko goes out of the ring and starts chasing Endo who tries hard not to laugh as she backs away with her hands up in the air. She must be wondering if she pokes Kyoko in the stomach if she'll laugh like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. This of course, allows Mita to attack her from behind. Genki gets tagged in, she works over Mita until Shimoda comes in with a chair. Genki catches Shimoda going up the ropes with a chokeslam. Kyoko holds the Cachorras out of the floor allowing Genki to hit a pescado. They go back in, Kyoko hits a flying shoulder tackle to knock Mita off of Genki's shoulders. Genki goes up top but gets caught and Superplexed by Mita. Genki escapes a DVD attempt and chokeslams Mita, pulls in Shimoda, chokeslams her and then chokeslams Mita again. Kyoko comes in and hits her on the ropes lariats on Mita and Shimoda until Shimoda hits her jumping neckbreaker drop. Mita and Shimoda go for a double suplex, but Kyoko DDTs them both. Kyoko sets up her run up the ropes/back elbow drop move. The problem is that Kyoko has gained about 60 to 70 pounds since she used that move early in her career. As a result, she actually had to stop and then climb up the ropes rather than run up them. 20 pizzas ago, she may have hit that, but not on this day. Endo grabs Kyoko and allows Mita to hit her Shoulder Mount Suplex off the second rope. In a cute spot, Mita goes for the Tiger Suplex, Kyoko starts fighting it by trying to walk towards the ropes. Usually when someone does that, Mita greets them with a chair to the head. As Kyoko heads to the ropes, she sees Mita with the chair, and turns to go to another side of the ring. Mita comes in anyway and hits a Blazing Chop allowing Shimoda to hit the Tiger Suplex. Shimoda with a top rope drop kick for a two. She misses a second attempt. Kyoko with a lariat and a powerbomb attempt which Shimoda flips out of, Mita goes for a chair shot, but Kyoko blocks it. The Cachorras knock both Kyoko and Genki outside and hit their plancha spot, followed by some more chair brawling. They sit Kyoko and Genki on chairs on the apron and then kick them off, knocking them to the floor. We get a chair pile up. Kyoko gets Shoulder-Mount Suplexed onto them, but she rolls out of the way of a Shimoda splash. Genki suplexes Mita on the chairs then feeds Shimoda to Kyoko who hits a super powerslam on her, Mita makes the save and then prevents a Kyoko powerbomb attempt. Kyoko sends Genki to cut off Mita as she goes for another powerbomb, but Mita makes the save. Shimoda and Kyoko trade German Suplexes. Kyoko sets up Shimoda for a Genki top rope elbow, but she misses. Mita slams Genki and Shimoda hits a moonsault where she lands mostly on Genki's head, but Kyoko makes the save. The Cachorras hit their second rope double chokeslam/crucfix powerbomb move on Genki. Mita hits a DVD on Kyoko to take her out of the picture as Shimoda moonsaults Genki who kicks out at two. Genki counters a DVD attempt with a back suplex but is pretty out of it. Mita moves in again, but gets suplexed again. Mita breaks a chair over her head, but can't keep her up for the DVD. Kyoko powerbombs Mita and Genki goes for the cover, but Shimoda saves. Genki hits the ropes and gets caught in a sort of DVD, but rope saves at the last second. Kyoko with lariats on the Cachorras and tells Genki to put Mita away as she cuts off Shimoda. Genki runs the ropes and runs straight into a Mita Blazing Chop to get pinned. In a bit of true heelish bitchiness, as Kyoko is checking on Genki, Mita comes over and stand Kyoko up and makes sure she sees them getting their hands raised. A good match. Genki continues to impress as someone who'll be a good pick up for someone once Neo Ladies folds (read : The day Kyoko retires). Bascially what you expect from a Neo Ladies show. Not much to write home about on the undercard, but a good main event.

@#@#@#@#@#@#@ ARSION STARLET '98- Pro Shot Handheld- 4/11/98- Aichi Nagoya Sogo Taiikukan
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
Candy Okutsu vs. Fabby Apache
My resistance to the Candy Okutsu bandwagon continues. The stinkiness of this match can't be placed on Candy's shoulders though as Flabby is the worst wrestler in ARSION. I give Okutsu some credit for working a straight Lucha match but Apache blew a bunch of spots, and the spots she hit were nothing to write home about. Not very good at all.

Yumi Fukawa vs. Michiko Omukai
This match was really good, and may have been the best ARSION match I have seen so far. This match was a good example of the style I think they are trying to incorporate in ARSION, the style is sort of reactive, with each wrestler going for the openings presented rather then setting up for big spots, in that sense it was like shootstyle but they used Lucha and Pro-style moves along with submissions. Omukai spent most of the match working on the arm, applying cool counter submissions like the crossarmbreaker out of the Tiger Driver. The ending was great as Omukai hit a big springboard wheel kick which just pasted Fukawa, and then slapped on the crucifix for the submission. Omukai's kicks looked stiffer- as she no longer kicks like Ernestine Miller, however she still missed too much; also Fukawa has got the Manami Toyota screams- which is kind of irritating. Those are minor quibbles however as this match rocked; they even did the pull apart at the end setting up other great matches, I dug this because I like to see some good old fashioned Southern booking in the middle of the quasi-shoot, lucha influenced puroresu.

Candy Okutsu vs Jesse Bennett
This match was better then Candy's match earlier against Fabby, but Jessie is really green too so it wasn't that good. Jesse has some nice looking powermoves, Candy won the match with a rolling German suplex, which was impressive due to the carriage of Jesse. The ending of this match sort of exposed Candy's lack of submission skills though, while it would make sense for a 200 pound women to submit to a knee bar put on by someone half her size, the German suplex spot just didn't look credible as a knock out spot.

Rie Tamada vs Reggie Bennett
While I have resisted the Candy Okutsu bandwagon, I think I have hopped on the Reggie Bennett bandwagon. I have been quite hard on the portly Bennett in the past:

"The Fred Ottoman of women's wrestling": DVDVR 61
"porcine and immobile than Refrigerator Reggie": DVDVR 76
"AJW buffet queen 1993-1997 Reggie Bennett": DVDVR 76

She rocked the house in this match though selling all of Tamada's lucha armdrags and stuff, and making the smaller woman's offence look very credible. The meat of the match was Reggie attempting to hit her spinning powerbomb and Rie avoiding it, with the armdrags and such. They did some pretty complex spots, including Reggie blocking a rana, attempting a spinning Liger Bomb and getting rolled up into a sunset flip. Tamada also delivered a pair of released German Suplexes on the sizable Reggie. Reggie got the win with the Global bomb, but this was far from a squash, which
it would have been during Reggie's Mabelesque AJW days.

Aja Kong vs. Mikiko Futagami
These are my two favorite ARSION gals (with a resurgent, but surprisingly absent Mariko Yoshida a close third.) Aja sells for most of this match, as Futagami cooly takes apart her bad knee. Futagami was like a lesbian Gene Anderson in this, and she demolished Kong's knee. Aja came back at the end with a great sequence, as she broke a sleeper with a drop down kick to the face, Futagami ran at her and caught the Uraken in the face, which Aja immediately followed up with a brainbuster for the pin. This match was booked kind of weird, but it worked. Aja was the face who had to fight off the assault and show her fighting spirit, what made this so weird was that Aja is a natural heel with her size advantage, however I think working the match like this elevated Futagami, as she had the superstar in deep trouble for most of the match.

This was the best overall ARSION card I have seen , with the only low points involving Jesse and Fabby the two green rookies. If you dig women's wrestling you should definitly get your hands on this little promotion.

%^%^%^%^% JWP on Samurai TV- 5/17/98
(by PHIL RIPPA)

Sari Osumi vs. Manami Ikeda
Erika Watanabe vs. Kayoko Haruyama
Osumi/Haruyama vs. Kanako Motoya/Watanabe:
The first three matches are all clipped, aren't very good and feature some ladies I hope to never see again. But a little guide for you daring viewers who might accidentally think it is a good idea to watch these matches.
Sari Osumi=wears this green leopard spotted outfit that is a tribute to the late, great FloJo. Osumi=No Good.
Manami Ikeda=Has this buzzed red hair that looks like she lost a bet with a lawn mower. Ikeda=No Good.
Kayoko Haruyama - A really fat girl in black.
Haruyama=Really, Really Not Good.
Erika Watanabe=Incredible obese young lady in red tights. In desperate need of a bigger sports bra.
Watanabe=Disturbingly Not Good.
Kanako Motoya=Wears the ubiquitous ripped, frilly cheerleader type outfit. Has the most potential out of all these girls.
Motoya=Not horrible. Don't mortgage the house on her though.

Dynamite Kansai/Devil Masami/Cuty Suzuki vs. Hikari Fukuoka/Tomoko Kuzumi/ Tomoko Miyaguch
Now we are talking. How can the sight of both Kansai and Fukuoka not warm your heart? This match was good, not great, but sure as hell entertaining. First of all, everyone busts out their phat-ass coats, with the ever-ancient Devil Masami wearing the phattest of the phat-ass coats; a simple, no-frills black number with collar that has me scrambling to figure out where I can get one for my mom for Christmas. (Aaahh, Mrs. Rippa would be the terror of all first grade kids in Bardonia, NY. My mom rules!) Scheinder has given me the 411 that Dynamite is sick or something so is not as ass-kicking as usual. Still, its Dynamite Kansai and someone will pay for their transgressions. Anyway, the wrestling gods taunt me by putting Kansai and Fukuoka in the ring to start the match, but, alas it quickly turns to the divine Fukuoka and the Tomokos unleashing all sorts of triple team action on Dynamite. The elaborate setups were better than the payoffs as Kuzumi and Miyaguchi don't have their timing quite down, so everything is off by about a half-second. Oh well, the effort is there. Devil Masami tags in and I shudder. She breaks out the face first powerbomb thingy, which is the only cool thing she does, in the first two seconds and then it is all downhill as she quickly lapses into her bizarre no-selling routine that helps with her Undertaker-of-the-Far-East routine. It is about the this time that the first priceless moment of the match takes place as Kuzumi starts headbutting Masami which Masami is no-selling. On the fourth headbutt, you see Kuzumi's eyes bulge out of her head as she realizes "what fury did I just bring upon myself". Luckily for her, there is no pain and misfortune because Suzuki goes in for the first time and is greeted with the Neverending German Suplex (which actually ends after nine but who is counting?). Kansai and Miyaguchi come in and I realize that Miyaguchi did something to piss Dynamite off. Kansai only kicks someone really hard eight times in this match and seven connected on Miyaguchi. Priceless moment number two, right before Kansai kicks Miyaguchi right across the chest, you see this little Tomoko puff herself in an expression of "I would to produce milk from these babies sometime, so please don't hurt me." Somewhere in the middle of the match, there is the weird segment as Kuzumi does the World's SLOWEST Giant Swing on Masami, then Fukuoka does the Oklahoma Roll, and then Miyaguchi does her own Giant Swing. That's right boys and girls, TWO giant swings. A big train wreck occurs as Dynamite dumps Kuzumi onto Miyaguchi with Splash Mountain and then Devil absolutely PLANTS Hikari on top of them with the face first powerbomb thingy. An unusually reserved Fukuoka wins the high spot battle by hitting a super-swank moonsault to the floor. The ending is pretty beautiful as Cuty compresses Hikari's sternum by jumping off of Dynamite's shoulders, who is sitting on the top rope, and doing her own little foot stomp. Fukuoka counters with the 360 kick from the top but Suzuki avoids the moonsault stomp, Kansai clubs Fukuoka with a wicked clothesline which enables Suzuki to pin her with a Tiger suplex in a finish that not only surprised me but advanced an angle that I just don't understand yet. But it sure was fun. Now all I need is the translator to tell me what shit did Cuty and Devil say after the match as they ran down Hikari.

Rieko Amano vs. Commando Boishoi
This match is the Finals of a Tournament that I am not quite sure of what it was for. But I am sure of two things. 1) Commando Boishoi wears the ridiculously hideous outfit of mismatched tiger stripes that has blue and white pieces of fabric thrown in for good measure. It basically makes her like she is wearing a girdle on the outside. 2) This match is mind-numbingly long. Insanely long for no good reason. We are talking Warrior On THE STICK long. It takes about four minutes before the first real contact of the match is made. There is the series of both combatants no-selling a bunch of back suplexes. And how could I forget the ludicrous top rope slapping sequence. I had another big problem with this match too. They decide to work a pseudo-shoot style submission match, with each of them working over certain body parts. Now both Amano and Boishoi have fairly large knee braces on, with Boishoi wearing one big enough to hide a small Tibetan village. But neither wrestler goes for the bad leg. What is even worse, when they are not working over each others arms, Boishoi works on Amano's OTHER leg. Hello, knee brace = weaklink. Okay, I can probably let that slip what I can't let slip was when about 25 minutes in the two throw out the whole submission thing and start trying to pin each other with DDT's and dropkicks. This lasts for the rest of the match until they hit the time limit which felt like an hour but I think was only 30 minutes. Anyway,the old Japanese guy who must be sponsoring the tournament gets on THE STICK and tells them to wrestle till we have a winner. So here comes overtime and Amano just flops on her back and starts kicking. Exactly what Inoki did to Ali. I'm not kidding you. She started doing the same thing. Amano does this for about four minutes, finally grabs an arm, applies the armbar and that's all she wrote for Boishoi. That really wasn't good.

!@!@!@!@!@!!@ ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMIONSHIP 6
(by MIKE NAIMARK)
UFC6 marked a turning point of sorts for American no-holds-barred events. The undefeated three-time UFC champion Royce Gracie had made what was to be his last UFC appearance in UFC5, going to a draw against a listless Ken Shamrock. With Gracie gone and Ken Shamrock facing Dan Severn in the UFC6 Superfight, the field was wide open for an upstart challenger in the 8-man tournament. The 'dojo queens' of past UFCs had been by-and-large weeded out by this point, although some 'useless-fu' practitioners did manage to weasel their way into the main draw, with predictable results. Still, this event represented the probable pinnacle of American NHB at the time, and remains one of the most exciting and dramatic UFCs to date. And so, let the golden-throated tones of Michael Buffer take us away to Casper, Wyoming, at a time when real men ruled and gutless cowards received their proper rewards.

Tank Abbott (6'0 280lbs, streetfighting) vs John Matua (6'2 *400*lbs, Kapu-Kui- Aluau)
This is the debut of Tank Abbott, a man who has managed a significant degree of infamy in the NHB world. With a hefty gut hanging over his belt, Tank didn't fit anybody's preconceived notions of what a fighter should look like (thats Ken Shamrock's job). What nobody could have realized was that despite his physique, Tank Abbott is perhaps the single most brutal American fighter ever to enter a NHB event. John Matua is representing the Kui-Aluau system, sometimes referred to as 'Samoan Bone-Breaking', and could probably pass for Meng's big brother. The bell rings to start the match and Tank immediately charges across the ring and begins winging huge, sweeping rights and lefts. None of the blows land cleanly, but even the ones that glance off of Matua's head are enough to take him to one knee twice. Matua gamely keeps pushing forward and trying to strike at Tank, but he's getting overwhelmed. Tank lands a frightening-looking right hook, and Matua collapses to the mat and slams his head into the Octagon floor. Matua is clearly out of the fight, but the referee isn't quick enough to quell Tank's animal savagery, and Tank leaps onto his helpless opponent to deliver yet another clubbing right to the head. Matua lies motionless, his arms and legs rigid from spinal shock, as the referee pulls Tank Abbott off of him. Not content with the simple win, Tank glowers over Matua and extends his arms in a grotesque parody of Matua's condition.(Hey Steve Austin fans! Wanna see how bad Stone Cold's 'stinger' coulda been?) Here's a lesson for all of you dojo-wizards out there; I hope you sensei has taught you to defend yourself against a real-world asskicker like Tank. Winner - Tank Abbott. Quote from the Tank - "Cakewalk, baby!"

Paul Varelans (6'8 300lbs, Trapfighting) vs. Cal Worsham (5'10 220lbs Tae-Kwon- Do)
Trapfighting? Another made-up martial art, and it sounds cooler than 'brawling goofus'. Tae- Kwon-Do, home of the flashy kicks and Hollywood techniques, has long been accused by other martial artists as being utterly useless in the 'real world'. Worsham sports a 33-2 record in TKD point matches, and was the Army TKD champion. But once the bell rings, all that chop-socky crap goes right out the window, and the clubberin' begins! Thats right kids, real, honest-to- Texas clubberin', with all four fistises! Both guys are landing huge, tactless bombs in an awesome display of their newfound technique of 'Flail-Fu'. Worsham is landing the bigger shots and manages to back Varelans up. Worsham tries to throw a muay-thai kneestrike, but he's TOO SHORT! Varelans clinches and puts Worsham in a front facelock as he tries to catch his breath. At least he made it to the ring without huffing and puffing, though, so he's one-up on the Anabolic Warrior. At some point here, it dawn of Varelans that he's almost a foot taller and 100lbs heavier than his opponent, and he has a brilliant idea. From the clinch, Varelans throws down an elbow strike to Worsham's head, and you can see all the blood drain from Cal's face. He staggers backwards, but Varelans catches him and lands another clubbing elbow to the head before the referee stops the fight and Worsham falls face-first to the mat. Winner - Paul Varelans

Rudyard Moncayo (5'10 220lbs Kempo Karate) vs. Pat Smith (6'2 217lbs kickboxing)
Pat Smith is one tough dude. A UFC veteran from the 'good old days' of UFC1 and UFC2, Smith found himself on the losing end of matches to Royce Gracie and Ken Shamrock. But along the way, Pat Smith didn't just win matches. He really BEAT THE SHIT out of his opponents. In UFC2, Pat put one of the most hellacious beatings ever captured on slo-mo video on a guy named Scott Morris. Scott Morris claimed to be a practitioner of (get this)........Ninjitsu! (No disrepect to all of you real ninjas out there, of course. So get off my roof.) Pat Smith was not impressed. So before Morris could load his blowdart or blend into the shadows, Pat rushed him, took him down, and just BEAT THE SHIT out of Morris's exposed face. FRACTURED ORBITAL BONE! LOST TEETH! A REAL REASON TO WEAR A NINJA MASK!.....but I digress....Pat never won the big one, and Moncayo is a newcomer to the UFC representing Kempo Karate. As soon as the referee shouts, "Lets get it on!", Smith *runs* across the ring and throws a flying/leaping/Ryu 2000pt turbo kick that catches the clueless Moncayo flush in the chest, knocking him flat on his ass. Moncayo is up quickly though; he's just stunned. He grapples Smith on his feet and they trade some reasonably crisp punches until Smith goes low and takes Moncayo to his back. A flash later and Smith has achieved the second most dominant position in fighting, the mount, sitting on Rudyard's chest. Before Smith can continue with his hobby of BEATING THE SHIT out of people, Rudyard flips over on to his stomach to protect his face and gives up his back. Smith now has the most dominant position in fighting, and clumsily manages to grind in a rear naked choke. Moncayo actually regains his feet, but Smith cranks down a little harder on the choke, and he taps out. Winner - Pat Smith

David Bennetau (6'2 250, wrestling) vs. Oleg Taktarov (6'0 210, Sambo)
No, Sambo is not just the name of Vince McMahon's newest gimmick for Flash Funk. Sambo is the official combat technique of the Russian millitary, a submissions-oriented craft inspired by judo and jiu-jitsu and focusing on two major goals: breaking legs, and throwing people on their heads. I am NOT making this up. Dave Benneteau was the last man standing between Dan Severn and Severn's first title at UFC5, a strong, focused wrestler with some rudimentary boxing techniques. Benneteau immediately shoots in for a single-leg takedown, and Oleg cheerfully falls down and pulls him into his 'guard', with his legs over Benneteau's hips. Bennetau throws some short, chopping punches at Oleg, which is a good move because Oleg's entire forehead is a Abdullah-esque blanket of scar tissue from the 'bad old days' in Mother Russia. Oleg thwarts Benneteau's offense and manages to get back to his feet. They trade punches for a few seconds, with Benneteau getting the best of the exchange when Oleg suddenly explodes for a single-leg and literally bowling the Canadian head-over-heels. Oleg somersaults over him, grabs a guillotine choke on the befuddled Benneteau, and calmly applies the pressure until Benneteau taps out. Winner - Oleg Taktarov

Semi-Final Match 1- Tank Abbott vs Paul Varelans:
Varelans was lucky to get out of his match against Tae-Kwon-Do midget Cal Worsham with his face intact. (In fact Paul Varelans entire NHB career is replete with some of the most horrific face-smashings ever seen by human eyes. In a loss to Igor Vovchanchin in Russian, Varelans' face was so battered that he looked like cauliflower) And now he gets to trade punches with 'The Human Concussion Machine', Tank Abbott. Hey Paul, look out for that single-leg takedown! Abbott takes the big goof to the mat almost immediately, then crawls from the half guard halfway across the ring to pin Varelans against the Octagon fence. Varelans has nowhere to go as Tank rears back and throws some jackhammer rights into his head and face. But here's where thing take that memorable turn; Abbott rears back, plants his knee in Varelans' face against the fence, and grinds Varelans' face to pulp. And while he's doing this, he's staring out to the crowd with the biggest shit-eating grin you'll see outside of Eddie Murphy's latest 'comedy'. After grinding Varelans' face a bit, Tank removes the knee and replaces it with his fist. Quite a few times. The ref should have stopped this fight before it began, but better late than never. Winner - Tank Abbott. Tank follows this dominant ass-whipping with the best 'tough guy' interview this side of Stone Cold, yeilding the following gems: (About Varelans) "He's a big pussy, that's what he is." (Watching a slo-mo replay of the torture) "I'm starting to get sexually aroused. You better cut that out."

Semi-Final Match 2- Oleg Taktarov vs. Anthony Macias (5'10 190lb Muay-thai, wrestling):
ANTHONY MACIAS? Yep. Now you're probably asking, "Gee Mike, I thought Pat BEAT THE SHIT out of his opponent in the first round! How could he get hurt?" The answer, dear reader, is an exercise in pathos. Pat Smith withdrew from UFC6 due to (get this).....a tummyache. He had some widdle cwampie wampies in his tummy. No wonder women think men are a bunch of babies. 5'3 115lb Cutie Suzuki would wrestle a **** match with gore dripping down her thigh as the entire inside of her uterus molts, but big tough guy Pat Smith has to pull out of the UFC because his tummy hurts. Worse yet, withdrawing with cramps was the BEST thing that happened to Smith that day (After withdrawing from the tournament, Pat Smith encountered Tank Abbott early that morning in the hotel. Tank was miffed that Pat's tummy troubles had caused Oleg to get a powderpuff match against Macias, so by all accounts he blindsided poor Pat Smith, and, with the help of his traveling goon squad, stomped Pat like he was a narc at the Sturgis rally. Smith ended up in the hospital, and his career quickly nosedived after this, losing some hellaciously one-sided matches in Brazil and Japan before slipping into obscurity. Hail to thee, Pat Smith, wherever you are!) Macias is best remember as being Dan Severn's throwing dummy at UFC4. You've seen the film I'm sure; Severn throwing the scrawny Macias over his shoulder with a pair of neck- snapping back suplexes Macias folding in half like a taco. What follows here may well be the biggest travesty in American NHB, to hear some people tell it. Macias immediately charged Taktarov, dove for a double-leg, and was quickly caught in a guillotine choke and tapped out in 15 seconds. The crowd, sensing that Ôthe fix was on', booed mercilessly, but Oleg looked utterly flummoxed by the whole thing. Did Macias, who had trained with Oleg in the past, throw the fight?(General concensus of NHB fans - yes. Oleg was probably not in on the sham.) Winner - Oleg Taktarov

SUPERFIGHT- Dan Severn (6'2 260 wrestling) vs. Ken Shamrock (6'0 220, shootfighting)
The big matchup of the night. Severn was coming off of his victory in UFC (were he beat Oleg Taktarov on the way), while Shamrock was still riding the wave of adulation following his dynamic...er....um.....draw with the 180lb Royce Gracie in the UFC5 Sueperfight. Shamrock looks so good in his speedo that he doesn't even have to win any matches to keep his Superfight status. Both of these guys are horrible strikers, as the fetid stench of their rematch at UFC9 would demonstrate. The match begins with both men circling, waiting to see who would throw the first slap. Shamrock makes the first shoot for a double-leg, but Severn neatly sprawls his legs back and catches Shamrock chest-to-chest. The men grapple on their feet, Greco-Roman style, to no advantage. The break from the grapple and throw some insultingly crude punches, Shamrock's being somewhat less insulting in that he lands a few of them, but GEEZ guys, Hacksaw Duggan punches better than that. The clinch again, with Severn getting an overhook on Shamrock's head. He tries to grab a leg with his other hand - Severn is going for the Fisherman's Suplex! Shamrock reverses it into....a DIAMOND CUTTER! BANG! No wait, I'm sorry, it was a guillotine choke. Severn works his throat free and bulls Shamrock into the Octagon fence, but Shamrock gets the guillotine choke againt when Severn ducks his head on the shoot. Shamrock sinks the choke it, and Dan Severn has no choice but to tap out. Ken Shamrock wins his first Superfight in what has to be considered the best match of his career. From this point onwards, Shamrock would record a mere 2-1-2 record in the UFC, with one win coming at the expense of the winless Kimo Leopaldo. Severn would rebound to win the first UFC 'Ultimate Ultimate'  supertournament with a series of mind-numbing draws before his glorious time-limit decision against Ken Shamrock at UFC9. (After winning the 'Superfight' title in the sphinctor- clenching drama of UFC9, the Superfight title was finally wrested from Severn in his first defense against Mark Coleman at UFC12; we probably owe Dan Severn's current career in the WWF to Mark Coleman's ability to totally overwhelm and outwrestle 'The Beast', submitting him to a neck-crank in under 2 minutes. When he was asked by referee John McCarthy if he had any questions before his fight with Coleman, Severn replied, "Yeah, if a train was leaving from Detroit at 2 o'clock and another train is leaving from Portland with a cargo of candy apples, what time would they arrive here?" I am NOT making this up.)

UFC6 Finals - Oleg Taktarov vs Tank Abbott
The finals matchup presents the kind of unique stylistic matchups that only no-holds-barred can deliver. Taktarov is the master of submissions fighting, while Abbott is the undisciplined bully. Oleg's biggest problem historically has been that despite his all-world submissions grappling skill, he's perfectly willing to trade puches with anybody who wants to. Tank wants to, so they do. Tank shrugs off Oleg's strikes and manages to land a few of his own, although Oleg is doing a decent job slipping and dodging. Oleg finally manages to pull Abbott down into his guard on the mat and frustrate Tank by using his hips to keep Abbott from catching his balance to throw those haymaker rights. Tank wedges Oleg in the corner of the fence (ala Varelans), but cannot press his advantage against Oleg's groundfighting technique. Time passes, and the thin air in Wyoming is starting to wear on both men. Tank's punches are losing steam as the match stretches towards the 10 minute mark. Oleg is fighting from his back with his eyes closed, relying on Tank's positioning and balance to guide his strategy. Somewhere along the way Tank managed to open a cut on Oleg's left brow, and a small mouse is starting to swell as well. Still, the gritty Russian hangs in there. Finally, a full 14 minutes into this grueling test of endurance, Oleg turns and rolls from under Tank to take his back. Everyone in the building can see the rear naked choke coming, but nobody can stop Oleg from wrapping his arm around Tank's throat and squeezing. Tank's face turns purple, and he taps out. Oleg is declared the winner by submission, but while Tank leaves the ring under his own power and spends the night at the hotel bar, Oleg collapses and spends the night in the hospital for oxygen debt and fatigue. At this point in UFC history, this has to be considered among the top 2 or 3 matches ever.(The others prior to UFC6 - Severn vs Gracie at UFC4, and Gracie vs Kimo at UFC3) Oleg will return to face Ken Shamrock at UFC7, while Tank....Well, Tank would keep busy as well.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$% INDY WORLD JAPAN PRO- 5/21/98
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
I have a special place in my heart for Indy wrestling, I have been to about a dozen indy shows in my life and have seen the good (OMEGA, OMEGA, OMEGA), the Bad (a Jeff Jones stained IPWA show) and the Ugly (a vile and reprehensible MCW show) but have always had a good time (hell, that MCW show did have Masato Tanaka). Most guys who wrestle on Independents will never become surly, drug addicted pricks who complain about their push and dog it at house shows while making $750,000 a year. 95% of these guys won't ever make it in to the big time; they risk life and limb for the pure unadulterated love of the game. Indy World is a Japaneese Indy so it is a little different than American indies (i.e. no shoot interviews, and knock off somethingorother 3:16 T-Shirts) it had the prerequisite psuedo Battlearts skinny guys kicking each other match, the Lucha Libre highspot fest plus the gobs of blood that make Japanese indies so sleazyly good. Despite the differences, this was Indy, baby- as Indy as a Cue World Order shirt, as Indy as a Boogie Woogie Brown elbowdrop, as Indy as a Roland Alexander bounced check, nothing big time about this JACK and that is why I love it The first couple of matches were clipped heavily and Jeff Lynch didn't have the match listing on his tape list, and I ain't got a clue. They had a match with some skinny Battlearts wannabees kicking each other, a match with some guy with a choice Hayabusaesque mask, and a match with that Yamada guy from IWA restart that almost slit his wrist on their debut show. The first full match was:

Chainsaw Charlie vs Tarzan Goto
Tarzan Goto looks 75 pounds fatter then last time I saw him, looking down right Jerry Blackwellian. Chainsaw Charlie was Terry Funk's shortlived WWF gimmick, which was basically Terry Funk with pantyhose on his head (which provided the compelling blood soaked pantyhose visual). Funk was accompanied by Victor Quinones, leader of the worldwide Yakuza/Puerto Rican/Velvet Professional Wrestling Mafia who is bringing over the WWF wrestlers as part of a worldwide conspiracy to lower the morale of the Japanese independent wrestling fan, thus lower the quality of the yen, which will then depress the worldwide economy leaving the stage set for his homosexual Yakuza cabal to rule Professional wrestling, and thus THE WORLD! This match was a barbedwire board match and had gallons of sweet blood soaking the ring. Surprisingly good gore match with both guys taking big bumps into the barbedwire boards and Funk's leathery wrinkled skin getting cut all up and he bleeds like it was the Tag Tourney final all over again. Goto doesn't dog it like he is wont to do, and delivers the vile image of two thick cuts on his stomach with blood and pork grease spewing out. Kaientai runs in at the end and attacks Goto and Goto's Scrotoeges come in to defend their gelatinous leader. Wally Yamaguchi gets powerbombed on the barbwire boards, all heck breaks loose and we are off to a hell of a start.

Masaji Aoyagi vs Katsutoshi Niiyama
Niiyama is an ex-FMW undercarder who got canned for crying like a girl after having a *** match with Koji Nakagawa; Niiyama looks like he is off the gas since leaving the big paydays of FMW to dance in the land of independents (steroids aren't cheap). Aoyagi wears a Gi and is kind of old and was part of that big New Japan versus Karate guys feud in the 1980's, and also killed Onita dead once. This match was pretty good despite the worthlessness of Niiyama. Aoyagi kicks him kind of hard and they set up the offensive transition well as Aoyagi misses a running kick and smashes his shin against the ringpost. .Niiyama works on the leg and gets some nearfalls before Aoyagi puts him away with a spinkick. Perfectly acceptable wrestling.

Ringo Mendoza/ Akinori Tsukioka/ Gran Hamada vs La Ning/ Great Takeru/ Some Other Guy with a mask
Fun little Lucha-style highspot fest. Lucha legend Mendoza provides his presence and a goofy lucha submission or two, while fellow oldster Gran Hamada rules it all over the ring. Tsukioka is a IWA restart youngster and he looked sharp hitting a skytwister press and an Asai moonsault. Great Takeru was passable. The guy with the nondescript mask who might have been La Ning ruled it, hitting a killer spinning  corner kick, decapitation leg drop to the floor, and a Nearly As Insane As The Great Sasuke tope con hilo. The guy with the Thai looking mask who might be La Ning was kind of chubby and completely missed a moonsault. Hamada gets the win cause he is a legend and shit.

Great Kabuki vs Shiningami:
Kabuki plays the same role in this match as the Iron Sheik does in all those East Coast Indy cards, he is the aging legend who does his shtickt so fans can reminisce about his prime. Even worse then one might imagine, they do dueling nerve pinches. Shiningami does two iron claws, including a claw suplex. Shiningami misses a kneedrop and gets larieted or something, there wasn't even any mist.

Goro Tsurumi/ Apollo Sugawara vs Bulldog/ Devil #1:
Kind of fun despite the hideous wrestling involved. The Devil's are these three little guys, in matching skeleton outfits (kind of like someone described La Parka's gear to them but they had never seen it) they do this thing where they stand in a circle and spin around so you can never tell whether the guy getting back in the ring is the one who left the ring, kind of human three card monte. They also do this shoulder shrug thing, which I don't get but kind of dug. Bulldog is Mongolian or something and looks like Wellington Wilkins Jr. if he trained at the power plant. He also apparently was a bouncer in a Tokyo strip bar who they grabbed off the street, because he was green as Shane Douglas's urine, he ran the ropes like Mongo, took bumps like Frank Dusek and at one point was supposed to throw a Devil off the top rope on to his opponents, but he just ended up throwing the whimsical youngster on his head. Apollo Sugawara is real old and looks like one of those guys who was midcard in New Japan or All Japan in the 70's and now is paying the mortgage on the indy scene, he sure doesn't actually wrestle for his check though. Goro however looks like he was never anywhere before he was here, Tsurumi looks like Tenryu, if while during the final days of WAR Tenryu had to eat New Arashi, Tsurumi is waaay to fat to have a perm like that but he says FUCK THE WORLD and wears it proud. The Devil's win with a switcharoo they stole from the Power Twins.

Shoichi Funaki/ Mens Teioh/ Dick Togo vs Gekko/ Palomino/ ZT:
The reason I got this tape- KAIENTAI in Koreaken Hall kicking ass where they belong. This match is what that Insane Clown Posse travesty should have been, Togo, Teioh and Funaki kicking the ass of a bunch of dorks in goofy outfits. And what goofy outfits they were, Palomino may have been the best wrestler of the bunch, with some nice spin kicks and a insane tope but his outfit was nothing special, Gekko (who may or may not be Masao Orihara, jury is still out) was the second best wrestler, with a nice Michinoku Driver and a cool Asai moonsault, his outfit also second in the in ring fashion show, with lizard like mask and tuft of purple hair on his chest. GT was nothing as a wrestler but his outfit was NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST, huge spiky metallic silver shoulder pads, and spectacular Voltronesque silver mask, it was down right AAA-youngster-like in it's elaborate stupidity. Togo and the boys punk these dorks with various triple dropkicks, nodowas and big sentons, Teioh does the People's Elbow just like every wrestler in every Indy promotion in the world. Dick Togo does the world's fattest senton for the win, and Quinonies cuts a promo about how the WWF is taking over, just like Mr. Wright in ECW, Jim Cornette in MCW, and Vince himself in USWA, the more things change the more they stay the same.

$%$%$%$%$% BATTLARTS BATTLE STATION- 6/14/98 Ohmori
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Diasuke Ikeda vs Takemura
This had the feeling of a Chigusa vs Meiko Satomura match from 1996- as the old patron takes it to the young future star. Ikeda kicks a whole lot harder than Chigusa so this match had it's bright spots, but it was basically a match to get some Takemura some cred by getting a couple of things on Ikeda between bouts of Ikeda collapsing his skull with fat ass kicks to the head. Eh, five minutes.

Ikuto Hidaka vs Willow the Whisp:
Hey! My favorite US Indie meets one of my favorite Japanese indies! WOO-HOO! Willow is one half of the Few Shining Lights Of The WWF- the Hardy Boyz (the "z" because they're street), Jeff Hardy. This meets in the middle of both styles- with our man Jeff toning down his propensity to JUST DIE taking insane bumps and he also fights his urge to play to the other OMEGA strongsuit- the garnering of slower building Southern style heat as a match unfolds in the ring- as this is pretty uptempo the whole time. Hidaka is actually pretty proficient at approximating a US straight pro-style match which is what this ended up being- as Hidaka flew into no weird submissions and Willow hardly EVER landed on his head. This was a really good Nitro match with a kinda crappy ending as Willow becomes the first person ever in BattlARTS to win with a Twisting Senton Backsplash. Either way, this was a good little compromise of a match since neither works the others's style well so the match was okay at best. I don't think it expanded Hardy's horizons as much as matches against Ono, Ikeda, Usuda or Okamoto would have. Actually, I'm guessing if nice young American lad wants his horizons expanded on his first trip to Japan, recieving it at the business end of fifty kicks to the face by Takeshi Ono wouldn't actually be the Absolute Lifelong Dream Come True. RASMUSSEN WANTS A BATTLARTS INVASION ANGLE IN OMEGA! RIGHT NOW!

Yuke Ishikawa/ Naohiro Hoshikawa vs Yone Genjin/ Mohammad Yone
Hoshikawa can kick pretty hard and does some nice suplexes though his developement has stagnated from last year from when he was on pace to becoming a Really Big Deal. Yone Genjin is really horrible- especially when he takes it to the mat like here. They don't show enough of this to like or hate. Ah, I'll go ahead and hate it.

Orihara/Takeshi Ono vs Monoru Fujita/ Ikuto Hidaka:
This match was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING- from a hairstyle point of view. Ono has been developing the Limahl, the singer for Kajagoogoo, totally idiotically GREAT hairstyle and he is absolutely one-upped by the RAILROAD SPIKE MOHAWK by Orihara. Straight from the Charged GBH concert straight to your living room! BOY HOWDY! Fujita is Big Japan's scrawniest shoot boy and Hidaka is BattlARTS scrawniest shootboy and both are REALLY CHEESED OFF at the total disregard for 1990's hairstyling trends and make with the double team butt-kicking. King Of Punk and King of New Wave start with the beatdown after Orihara cheats to get them on offense. Fujita gets MADDEST PHATTEST PROPS from the Death Valley Driver Video Review for hitting the INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL Genital area dropkick on Takeshi Ono. TooShy Takeshi sells it like he's been... well... dropkicked in the funny parts and this match reaches a whole new level of total weirdness. Limahl and the singer for Broken Bones kinda break Fujita's leg into a couple of pieces and then rip Hidaka's arm out of the socket and beat him over the head with it. The toprope back stomp by the bass player for Articles Of Faith on Fujita while Fujita was in the Boston Crab was a nice touch. Fujita punches Thompson Twins Boy right in the Mutha Fuggin face five times and I was digging it. Fujita- who was actually RULING it pretty hard in this match doesn't hit a very good Spinning DDT because he was afraid of that random member of the Exploited was going to puncture his lung with one of his eight inch spikes in his mohawk so they make with the cool old school highspot train. After the second guitar player for White Cross (RVA HARDCORE MOTHERFUCKER!) misses an Orihara Moonsault, Fujita hits a tope that was keeping with the festivities of the evening as it reminded me of a dive that my friend Andy Marcus hit fullforce at a Necros show at Rockitz back in 88. Fujita and Hidaka blow a bunch of duel RnR Xpress type of stuff. They get a bunch of nearfalls on Ono when they go back and hit all that stuff later. The Toxic Reasons Drummer throws Hidaka into the chairs and it looked a lot like when me and Andy got drunk back in 1989 at a party in the Fan and I convinced myself that I could dive over a banquet table LONGWAYS. Hey. I couldn't clear it. You live and learn. I felt bad. Luckily Craig's friend didn't hit with stiff chairshots like Orihara hit Hidaka with for crushing a couple of chairs. Ono comes up with some more finishers that Misterio NEEDS to steal: the  laMajistralaRingsofSaturn. Thank you Ono for letting us laugh about early 80's New Music Hairstyles... again. Thank you Orihara for letting me flex my idiot knowledge of every obscure hardcore from the mid-eighties and relate them to boring stories of me and my now-old and respectable friends getting drunk and breaking shit before we all straightened up and became moms and dads and stuff.... again.

Naohira Hoshikawa/ Carl Greco vs Diasuke Ikeda/ Mohammed Yone:
What the hell? This starts off with Ikeda and Yone giving Greco What For- kicking him about the head and body at length. Then Carl Greco Volk-Han-Carnies his way for the hot tag and Hoshikawa and Ikeda kick each other for a minute and Ikeda hits True Spine-fuser of a Released German and he follows it up with- THE CLAW?!? Is our boy Ikeda trying to soften up the crowd for the bizarre collection of Gaijin old guys coming in? Uh... Diasuke baby... The Hammer Valentine uses a Big Elbow. ANYWAY, they take it to the mat as Greco and Ikeda use a batch of kicks to set up assorted chokeholds that brings the respective youngster in for the save. Greco and Hoshikawa do a combo Greco Released German Suplex after Hosh kicks Yone RIGHT IN THE FACE and then lands Right On His Head and then Hosh does a Toprope Wheel Kick and Yone is SOOOO KOed. The ending was fun and the other stuff was basic mat wrestling and Ikeda whips out the Claw. This would be Quite The Mixed Bag.

Yuki Ishikawa vs Yone Genjin
This is the Main Event. Yone Genjin isn't very good. They blow everything INCLUDING the Black Warrior submission hold which isn't EVEN A HIGHSPOT because- hey! -it's Yone Genjin and- let's face it- he really sucks. GOD! They blow a plancha by a frickin country mile. The best part is that this is legit FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG. In the clock in my head IN FAST FORWARD EVEN this was.... 147.... minutes. ANYWAY. You should probably Get Most of this Battle Station for the REALLY grreat hairstyles. Tape over the last match with an episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast or something.

^&^&^&^&^&^& LADIES LEGEND PRO WRESTLING- LIVE BATTLE '97 COMMERCIAL TAPE (4/7/97)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
As punishment for not being able to attend Dean's band's SWANK performance on Halloween, he sent me all this LLPW that I have to watch. In the words of CRAZY MAX! - "FUCK YOU!!! FUCK IT!!!"

Keiko Aono vs. Miho Watabe
All you need to know is that Aono is really fat and a lot of heads of lettuce died to make her outfit while Watabe is all of two-foot-nothing and looks like she should be living in a clam shell, calling for Mothra for help.

Michiko Nagashima vs. Emi Motokawa
Well bottom line, Michiko Nagashima is a complete and utter bitch and she is my new favorite wrestler who can't actually wrestle. The match is pretty much a squash as Nagashima has no problem stepping on Motokawa's neck, kicking her in the face, plastering her with her ever present stick and laughing at her all the while. Which is what you should do to anyone who wears an orange cocktail dress to the ring like Motokawa does. A personal favorite moment is when Nagashima destroys Motokawa by crushing her against on of those unbreakable Japanese tables.

Yasha Kurenai/Carol Midori/Mikiko Futagami vs. Rumi Kazama/Noriyo Tateno/Mizuki Endo
The fun part of watching this tape is recalling the first impression I get from seeing each wrestler for the first time. I know that Futagami is not great, needs to lose the army fatigues and is not afraid to get dropped right on her head or kicked in the face. Midori is definitely the talented one of the bunch but she needs to dump the glitter bra top that she had on in this match. Meanwhile, Kurenai will survive because- even though she ain't high on the wrestling talent list- I have a strange attraction to her. Meanwhile, Kazama/ Tateno/ Endo prove the Dennis Leary theory that there really are a lot of Fat Fucking People in the world. Endo has the messed up hair- you know, the one were all the guys on the football team thought it would be cool to have the numbers carved into their hair. Well, Endo did this- minus the number. Now I am still not sure which one was Tateno and which one was Kazama. I know that Kazama is supposedly part owner of the company and will throw herself into these matches to make herself feel better. Either way, they are both fat and don't bring anything to the table. Based on listen to the ring intros like 19 times, I think Kazama was the one who kicked some people but don't quote me on that. Just like, I think it was Tateno who hits the World's Sloppiest Plancha. See, the people were memorable but the match wasn't. Go figure.

Harley Saito vs. RIE
A short match that just left me with the impression that Harley Saito is what Dynamite Kansai would be is she ever got Mono. Let me explain. The only way that Kansai could loose that much weight and be goofy enough to wear that much paisley would be if she had Mono. Still both have the short blond hair with the combat outfits. Saito tries to kick hard and succeeds somewhat but she still is at that level of stiffness or greatness that Kansai is at. Well, we don't live in a perfect world so it doesn't really matter.

Shinobu Kandori/ Megumi Kudo/ Michiko Omuka/ Kaori Nakayama vs. Eagle Sawai/ Shark Tsuchiya/ Sayori Okino/ Miss Mongol
After clipping to shreds the opening brawl which eliminated the ring intros (which made it incredibly difficult to determine which young lady was Michiko Omuka and Kaori Nakayama) and left Kandori a bloody mess before the match, a bunch of stuff happened that I am just going to lay out in a random stream consciousness. The imagine of Kandori just standing on the ring apron dripping blood all over the place is one of the best images I have seen in awhile... Boy, Shark Tsuchiya really isn't good at all... I am going to have to ignore the warm feeling that Megumi Kudo's half cowboy outfit is giving me... I have been warned about how incredibly rotund Eagle Sawai was but Jesus... Kaori Nakayama is not afraid to carve up her cute little face up... I really hope Miss Mongol does more than those stupid chops... Michiko Omuka appears to fairly talented, this is just the match for her to prove it in... Hey, Kandori and Kudo are not afraid to try to kill Miss Mongol... Has anyone consulted with Shark that Mr. Pogo is not a good person to emulate... Does Sayori Okino really have a purpose in this match... God damn, Eagle Sawai is a fat fucking person... There sure is a lot of action, it just isn't good... Welcome to LLPW, I guess.

$%$%$%$%$% ALL JAPAN TV aired 9/13, taped 9/11 from Budokan Hall
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Kenta Kobashi vs Akira Taue
This starts well with Taue doing a variation on his Big Fat Tope by going all sideways with it to make it a very hefty Yamada Tope. Akira- God bless him- TRIES like a mofo to save the first half of this match by hitting lots of stiff wrestling things and trying to instill some logic to proceedings but when Kobashi is gonna fuck up a perfectly fine wrestling match, Kobashi is gonna fuck up a perfectly good wrestling match. Kobashi hits his first big post-Yamada tope transition by reversing an apron-to-the-floor Nodawa into an on-the-apron DDT. They tease a lot of stuff like an over the toprope Nodawa but Kobashi chops him to the outside and Kobashi goes for his sub-Tenryu powerbomb but Taue reverses it to a Backdrop. Kane shrugs it off like it is absolutely nothing and hits his devasting powerbomb anyway. WOW! This Kobashi guy is tough! FIRST POINT OF WHY KOBASHI SUCKS IT RAW: He no-sells a backdrop on the floor but SOLD hitting the ground when he reversed the Apron Nodawa and turns it into a DDT. Folks, he landed feet first for the DDT. They take it to the ring and Taue hits another forwhateverreason totally ineffective backdrop out of a powerbomb attempt by Kobashi. Kobashi- being the toughest motherfucker on earth- shrugs off an Akira Taue DDT like it was monkey flips in kindergarten. SECOND OF WHY KOBASHI SUCKS: No-selling a fucking DDT? What the FUCK am I WATCHING? Taue should have shot on him and broke his fricking leg. Well, okay Taue may not all TAZ-like in his shooterness. Taue does the Kawada no-sell of Kobashi's DDT to show him how to do it the All Japan way, stumbling into one of those incredible Kobashi chops thus setting up SuperMENG's Released German. Kobashi SELLS this like he's just been DDT'd. My guess is that the extra fat he's acquired lately makes the lifting during suplexes a trying experience. The second half of this match was pretty great as it was your basic extended nearfall sequence with the Race to the Apron Nodawa vs the Race to the Moonsault. Taue wins this and gets the champ in trouble for lotsa nearfalls. Kobashi gets kicked in the face a whole bunch between Nodawas and Ligerbombs but Kobashi hits a couple of his pateneted Lariats to set up his Much Fatter Now Moonsault spelling the beginning of the end for my boy Taue. Kobashi hits a big Lariat and Taue stoically puts over the Champion Who Isn't Kawada. Talk about the Tale of Two Matches. The beginning was Main Event of Raw horrible, while the second half was All Japan great. Ah, take your chances and get this if ya want. I dunno.

$%$%$%$%$%$% NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING TV 9/12/98-(8/8/98-Osaka Dome Rising the Next Generation Show)
(by REV RAY DUFFY)
Satoshi Kojima/ Manabu Nakanishi vs Yuji Nagata/ Kazayuki Fujita [jip]:
Nagata hits a bunch of kicks and knees on Kojima until he no sells and hits  a lariat, tagging to Nakanishi. Manabu comes in and beats on Fujita a bit, including his torture rack where he kicks away at the partner trying to make the save (I'd like to see Luger try this), until Nagata catches the leg and Dragonscrews him. Nagata works the leg and puts on the "Nagata Lock" as Fujita holds off Kojima for as long as he can. Kojima and Manabu set up the sandwich lariat, but Nakanishi's knee gives out and only Kojima hits the move. They switch, Nagata with his cool ass overhead suplex off the ropes followed by a leg lariat. Fujita comes in, hits a few moves and then eats a Kojima Stone Cold Ace Crushin' Acid Dropin' Wise Crackin' Sunny Stunnin' Diamond Cutter. Kojima hits his corner elbow smash/Top Rope Elbow Drop, Nagata makes the save with a DDT, so Nakanishi knocks Nagata out to the floor and does a Mountain Bomb. Fujita recovers and hits a Frankensteiner and a Jujigatame, Nakanishi with a leg drop for the save. Fujita hits a JackHammer for two, hits the ropes and eats a lariat to get pinned. It looked pretty good, but I didn't particularly like the finish.

Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs Shiro Koshinaka [jip]
This is joined a bit into the match as both guys seem pretty worn down. Tenzan fights for a suplex, gets caught up top and superplexed off. Shiro goes for a follow up, eats a Tenzan leg lariat, tries for the hip attack, gets back suplexed. Tenzan hits a Calf Branding for two. Hits a Mountain Bomb for two and goes for the Buffalo Sleeper which Shiro kicks his way out of. Shiro small packages out of a powerslam attempt for two, Tenzan up first, goes for a top rope move, but Shiro drop kicks him on the way down. Shiro hits a great Release German that drops Tenzan right on his neck. Shiro with a powerbomb but his top rope hip attack gets met with a leg lariat. They do dueling clotheslines until Shiro hits a hip attack and then a Jacknife Powerbomb for the win. Once they got going, what they showed was good.

Jushin Thunder Lyger vs The Great Sasuke
Both guys miss moves early, Sasuke knocks Lyger outside and hits a Tope Con Hilo. A big jump forward in the match, Lyger in control, hits his Koppou and a shotay to the back of Sasuke's head. Lyger picks a fight with Hoshikawa who's at ringiside. Lyger goes for the running Lyger Bomb, but Sasuke ranas out of it, knocks Lyger to the floor and hits a quebrada which sends Sasuke over the rails. Back in, Sasuke with a two. Sasuke sets for his new move, the Moonsault Senton, where he stands on the top rope facing away from the ring, does a back flip somersault where he lands back first. The problem is, Lyger rolled out of the way, got up and Lygerbombed Sasuke for a two. Lyger hits the corner shotay and a Fisherman Buster for two. Sasuke, in great Jr. selling style, gets up, hits a hook kick and two pinning attempts for two, then runs into a shotay for two. Lyger goes for another powerbomb, Sasuke with rana for the win.

The Great Kabuki/The Great Muta vs Tatsutoshi Goto/ Michiyoshi Ohara
This is in the series of retirement matches for Kabuki. Here, he teams up with Muta, who's wearing "SON" on his face like he would the NWO logo and "goodbye". Kabuki is facing off against former Heisen Ishigun members, the Stray Freedom Dogs. The Dogs jump at the bell, throw Kabuki outside and attack Muta. Muta rolls outside and acts all mysterious and stuff and scares some fans at ringside. Kabuki tags in and hits a second rope punch and a few uppercuts on Ohara. Gut-o tags in and we get the greatest scientific match up ever... lots of Greco Roman punches and headbutts. Muta tags in, gets thrown outside and piledrivered on the ramp. Gut-o hits the 50 yard jogging lariat. Muta hits a back kick in ring, throws Goto outside, hits a face crusher and returns the favor with his own 50 yard lariat. Kabuki tags in and hits a lariat for 2. Dogs tag. Ohara with chops and a chokeslam. Ohara with a headbutt to the groin. Goto with a lariat for two. Ohara and Goto are soooo the Nasty Boys of Japan. Ohara goes for a corner lariat but eats a superkick. Muta tags in, hits the handspring elbow/face crusher combo, then a Dragon screw. He piledrivers Ohara on a half set up indestructable table. Muta mugs for the camera, goes up top and gets caught with a wedgie chokeslam. Both sides tag, Goto catches Kabuki with 2 lariats. The Nasty Dogs hit a double hot shot, Goto hits his back suplex finisher for two. Muta with a chair save. Ohara hits a jumping neckbreaker drop on him, chairs Kabuki. Ohara goes for a powerbomb, but Muta mists him, Goto hits Muta with a chair, hits his suplex for a two. Goto climbs up top and takes about as long to do that as the guys at Survivor Series took to climb up the ladder. Goto jumps off into a double mist spray. Muta hits a facecrusher and Kabuki hits a lariat with a slight assist from Muta to pin Goto. Post match father and "son" spit green mist (up til this point, Muta had been spitting red mist). Not a great match, but what do you expect from the Nasty Dogs and old timer Kabuki.

^&^&^&^&^&^& NEW JAPAN TV 9/19/98
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Jushin Liger vs Great Sasuke:
This was MOUNTAINS better than the earlier one RevRay got wrangled into reveiwing for the simple fact that Manami Sasuke doesn't immediately hit a big bunch of offense after getting hit with a motherfucking toprope Fisherman Buster. Sasuke was also a lot more spectacualr in his Total Self-Destruction for your PLEASURE in this one as he REALLY lands Nine Ways to Wrong on his Tope Con Hilo in this one. The Moonsault Senton is gonna be SOOO nasty when someone is finally talked into taking it. HELL! Someone had to be the first to take a Moonsault Stomp and NOTHING could possibly suck more than the beautiful Hikari Fukuoka making with the heels directly to the shortribs out of a Moonsault. Either way, it's DEFINATELY gonna rule when Sasuke cons Hoshikawa or Naniwa into "taking one for the team. C'mon, do it for the old man." Anyway, Liger really beats the shit out of Sasuke in this and it's pretty beautiful, you can actualy hear Liger yelling at Sasuke: "Fuck...up... my... KDX and.... Kanemoto and Ohtani.... vs... me and El Samurai... and Sekingun...at the Tokyo Dome...Angle, will ya! (FAT ASS SHOTAY TO SASUKE'S LUMPY HEAD)" Liger drops the Goofy-from-shotays Sasuke with a Cross-Armbreaker- as Liger ONCE AGAIN proves that he KICKS EVERYBODY else's ass in booking by not letting go of the Cross-Armbreaker after the bell rings. The assorted MP punks storm the ring to offer the Michinoku stompdown on Liger, kicking the crap out of the NJ Junior Codger. THE LIGER GENIUS: OHTANI AND KANEMOTO are the first ones in to beat the shit out of the indie chaodes and KaShin is right behind the cavalcade of NJ Junior Dickdom to bust up Hosh, TMIV and the boys and we have the super-weird staredown with Koji, Shinjiro and Kendo staring down Hoshikawa, Yakushiji and TM4. Shinjiro Ohtani being New Japan Uber Alles and all-around company man decides that he should- of course- kick Kendo Ka Shin right in the head. All hell will break loose soon, one would think. Why canÕt Liger book Nitro? HELL! Why can't he just book WCWSN? The ending was frickin GREAT. The match was quite good.

Ohtani/Takaiwa vs Kanemoto/Ka Shin
Kanemoto and Ka Shin hate each others guts because HECK Koji's the head of the rival faction that's trying to destroy the faction that KaShin shmoozed his way into. Koji is a sensitive man and is TRYING to make it work out. He's kicking Ohtani right in the face, he's offering encouragement when Takaiwa and Ohtani start beating the crap out of his bemasked partner, HECK he even forgives Kendo when Kendo keeps getting himself killed by screwing up a bunch of double team moves. KaShin is a dork and gives Koji an Ace-Crusher and the champs get the pin. I'm guessing Koji Kanemoto is gonna kill the hell out of Kendo Ka Shin pretty soon. That'll be fun.

Hirata/Hashimoto vs Bryan Adams/NWO Sting
Well, whaddyaknow! They get the Hash-Hirata Connection back together because they were fun-loving when they were first together and it makes good sense for the nWo Sting push to be against something with substance. The pin over Hirata is bigger for the Better Sting because it's over Hash and Hirata and thus over Hash by proxy. Schneider told me that Bryan Adams trained at the NJ dojo for a while and I was ready to make with the snide "I couldn't tell" comments but actually Adams takes a couple of shots from Hash like a man and sells a Hash DDT like he's been there before. He does fine until he does his superweak looking clotheslines and punches. Bryan. Big Man. Some folks in Japan do clotheslines so stiff that it's a credible enough finisher to win championships. Halfstep with that move here and they'll laugh you out of the parking lot. They didn't show enough to see if nWo Sting is still progressing into the freakish good little worker he's becoming, but the Cobra Sting Push is definately in FULL EFFECT. And 'im all for it INGDANGIT!

Masa Chono/Tenzan vs Norton/Wallstreet
Norton ain't selling it ANYTHING ANYWHERE these days, it seems. Rotunda looked surprisingly lifelike in this and the fact that he was the one on his team selling might have helped his cause. That and the rubber pants which I don't like thinking about. Chono instills the cool-ass psychology by tagging in Tenzan when fellow nWo member Norton tags in and looking all scared and distraught as Norton beats on Chono's junior partner. Chono finally gets tagged in and Norton no-sells a Yakuza kick and then Chono leans into another to force him to sell it. Chono gets Norton in the STF and Rotunda has to make the save, thus getting Chono over strong with the champ. Rotunda succumbs to the STF as Tenzan and Norton are outside slapping each other around. New Japan wanted Norton as a Goldbergian character and now they gotta live with it. And Wallstreet is working himself back to somekind of shape and it's weird. If you go from total suckass to slightly mediocre is that a wild resurgence? Throw me a bone here.

Kensuke Sasaki/ Yuji Nagata vs Muto/Hiro Saito
Sasaki and Saito cancel each other out so Nagata and Muta carry the match. Mutoh lies on the mat for a while. IMAGINE THAT! Yuji Nagata is happy as hell to not be putting over Glacier or Scotty Riggs or Brady Boone or Dusty Wolfe so he gleefully hits the toprope Urange on Saito. Nagata DOESN'T kick Mutoh in the face enough but he does get in one spinning kick to the mush so I'm happy enough. Nagata works for three because he's so happy to be an ocean away from Sonny Oono and gets the win. Nagata rules it in this. These other guys- YEESH! Eh.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
reality's a dream, a place in which I seem to never know just where I am SINGLES GOING STEADY!! &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

NEW JAPAN: Big Van Vader vs. Stan Hansen: Super Fight '90: (REVRAY)
This was the battle of the monster gaijin from All Japan and New Japan. Vader was the IWGP champ at this point. This ain't fancy at the start. It's a whole lot of two guys just hitting each other right in the head with punches and forearms to the head. Vader took Stan down and started working the arm, but when he gets up, he whips off his mask (he wore a full mask at this point) to reveal that his right eye was swelling shut as a result of Stan potatoeing him early. They keep beating the crap out of each other with Vader getting the upperhand. Vader hits a powerslam and a top rope Vader attack and then goes after the lariat arm again. Vader lariats Stan who rolls out to the floor. Vader tries to Vader Attack Stan against the post and eats it. Thus begins the Stan Beats On Vader segment, which includes Stan being nice enough to stomp on the swollen side of Vader's head. Stan goes for the lariat but Vader drop kicks him. Vader hits Stan with a lariat, Stan bounces off the ropes, answers with his own. Neither man goes down and they fall out to the floor and fight to a non-finish. It's stiff and you get to watch Vader walk around with his eyeball popping out of his skull.

UFC-John Hess vs Andy Anderson: UFC5-(NAIMARK)
Today will be a monumental step in your education as a fan of no-holds-barred, dear reader. For today, you will learn of the legend known only as Jon Hess, The Giant with an Attitude(tm. Hess). Never before has one man offer so little in the ring, yet so much to the rich fabric of NHB history. Put on your splash goggles and prepare for the assault of Hess-a-mania! By the time this fight happened, Jon Hess was already something of a celebrity in the world of no-holds-barred. Hess, a 6'10, 370lb mutant with a physique that begged the term 'bulbous' and drew quick comparisons to the 'Baby Huey' comic books, made his big PPV NHB debut here at UFC5 against the 5'9 spud Andy Anderson. Anderson is thickly muscled and claims to represent both Kung-Fu and Tae-Kwon-Do. Hess was promoting his 'own' martial arts system, "SAFTA", which is an acronym for (and pay attention to this for the year-end DVDVR trivia tournament!) "Scientific Aggressive Fighting Techniques of America". Going into this fight, Hess bragged that the UFC was "pussy fighting", and that his amazing technique of SAFTA would mow through the competition like Steven Regal at a British 'Bangers and Mash' buffet. When the bell rang for his fight against Anderson though, Hess did the unexpected; he charged out from his corner at full speed and started FLAILING HIS ARMS AND LEGS at a windmill pace! Believe me folks, I've been watching fighting my whole life, and this technique is *exceedingly* rare once you leave elementary school. Anderson was totally unprepared for this 'Flailing-Fu' assault, and covered up, backpeddling. SAFTA cannot be so easily thwarted, little man! Hess pushed Anderson into the Octagon fence, and calmly reached through Anderson's arms and GOUGED HIS EYES. Anderson tried to fight back, so Hess gouged him again! And AGAIN! And the referee won't stop it, because back in the early days of the UFC, THERE WERE NO RULES, only specific offenses that resulted in fines. Every eye-gouge costs Hess $500 from his $2000 payday, with the money going to his opponent. But Hess don't care, 'cause he's fat-n- slap-happy tonight. He kicks Anderson in the groin and clocks him with a few more windmill blows before Anderson crumples to the mat, utterly demolished. As he staggers to his feet with the aid of the fence, the camera zooms in on Anderson's eyes, which are both swelled grotesquely shut from the gouging. Anderson refuses to shake hands with Hess in the middle of the ring and trudges back to his day job running titty bars in Ohio (yep). But alas, despite the glorious win for Hess and his SAFTA skills, his NHB rocket to stardom was not to be launched tonight. One of his hands was broken on Anderson's skull, and rather than face Jeet Kun Do practitioner Tod Medina in the next round, Hess withdraws. But not before unleashing a notebook full of pro-wrestling style quotes to anyone in earshot: The UFC is mere 'fake fighting', and will never attract a fighter capable of withstanding his 'street-tested' SAFTA. Royce Gracie (undefeated 2-time UFC champ fighting Ken Shamrock) is a pussy, as is his brother Rickson Gracie (combined NHB record - 300+ wins, no losses). Oh, and you can all go and fuck yourselves, 'cause Jon Hess sez so! So what was to become of this giant of egoism? Fame? Obscurity? The answer was soon to be revealed, on the sunny bud-soaked shores of Hawaii. Say "Aloha" to Hess v Anderson, and, uh, "Aloha" to.......... UFC- Jon Hess vs Vitor Belfort: Hawaiian Superbrawl I- Jon Hess, all 6'10 370 of him, answers the call of a special challenge match on this hard-to-find event from Hawaiian PPV. As mentioned above, Jon Hess was crudely dismissive of the fighting prowess of the famed Brazilian Gracie fighting clan. A wee bit TOO dismissive for the Gracies to allow the challenge to pass unanswered. Stepping up to the plate and representing Gracie honor comes Carlson Gracie Jr's top student, Vitor Belfort, making his no-holds-barred debut tonight. Belfort, a mere 19 years of age, is 190lbs of chiseled muscle and coming off of impressive showings a recent Gracie challenge tournaments, which were not no-holds-barred, but rather pure Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) submissions grappling. The Gracie fighters, as exemplified by undefeated UFC legend Royce Gracie, prefer to fight on the ground, usually from 'The Guard' on their backs with their opponent's hips between their legs. How would the smaller Belfort handle the gigantic Hess on the ground? Hess drips with oily confidence; the tournament ban on eye-gouging and groin striking has been waived for THIS special challenge. Its like Raven's rules, but instead of getting a 5'10 Johnny Polo, you get a pituitary freak with filthy fingernails and a bad attitude. The bell rings and Hess rushes to the center of the ring, but to his surprise, Belfort is there first. And rather than go with the traditional BJJ takedowns, Belfort immediately launches a thunderous straight right hand that catches Hess squarely on his bovine jaw. Hess steps back, but Belfort doesn't even blink before following up with a series of frighteningly powerful straight rights and lefts, each one landing flush on Hess's already bloody face. This is no mere BJJ grappler; Belfort throws punches with the brutal style and accuracy of a trained professional boxer! A final haymaker rings Big Jon's bell and sends him crashing to the canvas unconscious. But Belfort ain't finished! Because Jon Hess, although unconscious, HASN'T TAPPED OUT yet! And by tradition NHB rules, unless his corner throws in the towel, the referee can't stop it! Ya live by the ref, ya die by the ref! Belfort mounts Hess's chest and unleashes a barrage of vicious hooks to the face, all of which land and bounce Hess's head off the canvas. FINALLY, the towel comes in, and the referee, who knew it was gonna end soon, has only to put a finger on Victor's shoulder before Belfort smiles and stands victorious. Hess is still lying flat on his back, trying comically to lift his head from the ground, as Belfort's hand is raised in victory. And so, faithful readers, today we have learned some significant lessons pertaining to the sport of NHB. Please note the following - #1) Do not invent your own martial-arts style unless you have mastered some other style. #2) You live by the lenience of the referees, you will DIE by the lenience of the referees. #3) Most importantly, never, ever, EVER, talk shit about the Gracies if you are a big, fat, worthless slob with no skill, no technique, and no clue what to do in a fight. Go pick on that guy near the intersection wearing the LaParka mask instead.

NEW JAPAN: Koji Kitao vs Bam Bam Bigalow-1990-(REVRAY)
I'm pretty sure this was Kitao's debut match. I not the irony that they had a big lazer light thing from Koji's entrance and note that he was as good a martial artist as Glacier.... OK, I'm being mean to Glacier. Kitao's in a fighting pose with a goofy look on his face and he armdrags Bigalow twice. Hey, he got his Ricky Steamboat tapes. Bam Bam sells his ass off a lot in the match and gets control after hitting assorted sneak attacks and underhanded stuff. Koji hits a Samoan drop and a leg drop off doom to get the win. I will also note this was the game plan of another turd who wore a yellow and red color scheme just like Koji. You don't want all this.

ALL JAPAN: Yoshinari Ogawa vs Jun Akiyama: (RASMUSSEN)
Misawa who is the greatest wrestler in the history of Pro Style wrestling books All Japan like Ole Anderson on hallucenigens. Maneaukea Mossman was to get moved up this year to the six or seven spot to kick everybody up a notch now that Doc is gone and Hansen is a shell and Ace is dropping the ball at every possible turn and Johnny Smith will never look like a credible heavyweight because of how he's been booked so far in his career and Taue is coming upon forty and Misawa is a physical wreck and Baba and Misawa hate Kawada's guts and Kobashi sucks as a champ and as a wrestler and Vader is coming in is a risky proposition for the long run and God knows Takayama and Shinzaki aren't the answers and Kakihara is too small and the scope of his style is too limited even though he can work and Gary Albright sucks and Inoue, Honda, and Izumeda are all destined for eternally sucking on the undercard. All signs point to JUN AKIYAMA to get the big push to contendership. All signs point to getting MOSSMAN in the mix now so he will be ready in three years when everybody drops like flies and are doing spittakes with Rusher and the boys. All signs point to... WHAT?!?! Push Ogawa as Misawa's new third guy?!?! Repushing Ogawa is like repushing Glacier. the people know what they are dealing with now. With this little foray of using Akiyama to make Ogawa look good- with the pin in the tag match and this match where Akiyama makes Ogawa look like he can hang with Akiyama- does one thing: put this thought in the fan's mind-"Akiyama is gonna beat KOBASHI, MISAWA and KAWADA!?!? He can't ever put away this scrawny choade without getting killed." YEESH! Noone has seen Mossman since. Being a US citizen, one hopes that he decides to join the LWO-Polynesian! and get away from THIS horribly conceived crap.

NEW JAPAN: Shinya Hashimoto/Masahiro Chono vs Antonio Inoki/Seiji Sakaguchi -1990 (REV RAY!) - This is a battle of the old guard versus the new guard. They take it to the mat early until Chono starts doing stomps on Sakaguchi. I'm sure this match has some historical significance or something and I am a history minor... but it lost me... Inoki wins with the Enzugiri because he's old and he founded the company, so you job,Chono- you young
whippersnapper!

THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYBOYS.

"How far is Shangrai-La from here- and is it this way?"
Roxy Music.