WELCOME TO THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #78!

The Summer is rolling right along and the ever SWANK Glenn has just delivered the Puroresu Overload so gear up for scads upon scads of reviews in the weeks to come and that's where the Michinoku Pro Lucha funtabulousness comes from, as is that infernal Kobashi vs Kasomebody match. A lot of the OMNIPOTENT CUTOUT BIN this time around is a result of Phil, Phil and I killing a Saturday by watching tapes at Schneider's newest love-palace. The Ladies. The Incense. Bruiser Brodie covered in his own blood. It was quite a day. Rev Ray's continued search for true heart of Japanese Women's wrestling is furthered with the second Neo-Ladies Commercial tape (courtesy of that Quebrada-addled LOREFICE!). Schneider got the new Puerto Rico stuff from his clandestiney and secretive PR sources and it's quite something else. AND YES!!! FINALLY! The SECRET WCW HANDHELDS are mused over by Phil "the ripper" Ripper! But first, a word from...uh... me...

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ MICHINOKU PRO LUCHA #9 (6/98)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This is the vestigal last show of the directionless MP as they kinda waited out Sasuke's knee injury and Takeshi Ono and Orihara weren't on this and it's a lot of MP faces versus other MP faces- so you can imagine that the excitement level was at a less that fever pitch. Luckily they BRING THE GROUPO REVOLUCION hard as a Mutha so this can't help but whip ass.

Naniwa vs Hoshikawa
This is the final of the JYB tourney (whatever that is). Well. What the hell happened to Naniwa? The broken leg also broke his ability to work? That's what it looks like anyway. They join the match right at the point where they horribly blow a reverse toprope hurricanrana as Naniwa almost Steiners Hoshikawa with his sloppiness, throwing the swank Hoshikawa right on his shoulder. YEESH! Hosh kicks him in the head a few times, does a toprope German suplex and does a toprope roundkick and we call it a tournament. This went 28 minutes and they showed four. Maybe that was good if the body was as sloppy as the finish. I still love these two though. I'm thinking Naniwa may have a Hoshikawa block to add to his Ultimo Dragon block because I can't remember him having a good match with either.

Shinzaki/Super Delfin vs Yakushiji/Tiger Mask IV
Shinzaki doesn't stink it up in this match as he decides that if this match is to have ANY chance of being anything other than another in a long line of shitty Shinzaki vehicles, he himself- the laziest worker in the world- is gonna have to TOGO Yakushiji to a decent match, so his Hakushiness shows the world that he was just kidding around when he was sucking dick in the ring all those other times as he goes all lucha with the Essential-to-be-Carried Yakushiji. TigerMask the Fourth, the youngest, the least exciting and the most moderately promising of all actually decent workers in Japan once again doesn't do anything to hurt the match, but let's face facts: If TAKA or Diasuke Ikeda or Takeshi Ono aren't beating the hell out of him and giving him something to fight against, he will settle into his rote series of halfassed shootstyle approximations and blend in to the wrestling scenary. And Super Delfin can't get fired-up for this and Delfin unfired-up is a lot like TMIV not fired up- a rote set of halfassed lucha added with the goofiest aspects of puroresu. I mean, you HAVE to be a Thorough Badass 24-7 like Jushin "Thunder" Liger to pull off doing a shotay for a finisher and not look like a total wank and guess what Super Delfin isn't. Shinzaki has three really cool moves and he does two of them in this- the straight-jacket camel clutch and the ankle Dragonscrew, and he doesn't take forever between his other moves so I'll settle for this because it was better than the load of nothing that this was looking like coming in. Postmatch Love-In to turn any normal fan's stomach.

Dig the Groupo Revolucion!
Frere de Tanny Mouse (soon to be JuiJitsu Himalaya) vs. Oncle de Genki (before being dubbed Osaka Beretta. Nagoya Woodgrenade? Kung Fu Pike's Peak? Gymkata Claymore? Shaq Fu Rushmor...awright! That's enough!):
Yes, a Groupo NEW rookies match- as UD has sort of a South of the Border PowerPlant (without all the steroids and bad haircuts). Ultimo must be the Vince Lombardi of instructors because everything he trains is tough as nails and totally prepared. These two work a decent enough a match for two rookies in their first match. Hard Way causes the match to stop. Outlandish garb and goofy nom de plum to follow.

Magnum Tokyo/Dragon Kid/SAITO vs Shima Nobunaga/Judo Suwa/Sumo Fuji
Manoman does this have some really great highspots by Lil Dragon. He does THREE things that were just great- he does this hurricanrana out of a SuperPowerbomb but he does it 3/4 of the way down, so he does a hurricanrana about three feet off the ground and nobody dies. He FINALLY pulls off that forward somersault off the top rope into a hurricanrana that he tried against Eddy on Worldwide and BOY! does it look fucking awesome when he hits it. I was actually more blown away by the Lil Dragon Quebrada from the second rope over the rope on the perpendicular side to the floor. I think I said, "JUMPIN JEHOSOPHAT! Groupo is really getting into lucha introductions, so Magnum Tokyo (don't believe the Tokyo Magnum crap that WCW feeds you) does his whole Disco/Alex schtickt to the ring long before they thought of making him the DI/Alex Lodi (in case you thought Dusty told him to do that crap). Sheeemmmooooooo Nobunaga has the entrance that is hilarious because he looks like Ricky Fuji trying to look cool and we all know how fucking great that can be (insert favorite Ricky Fuji wrestling joke here). The match itself is a lot like the last big Groupo young punk match that they showed a few months ago- endless and still ends too soon because it's just metric tons of wrestling and spots and coolness and neato stuff these guys have no right to be as good at considering their true rookie status. It's amazing to think about the future's of all these guys. Saito takes it to the mat early as he shows the world that Ultimo hipped him to all the most freaked-out Lucha submissions and told him to make them even more outlandish. He does the Headstand Indian DeathLock that would make Solar II say, "now THAT'S just GOOFY." Judo Suwa is the lucky duck that gets to sell it. Oh yeah, before I forget- JUDO SUWA RULES THE FUCKING EARTH. The Hanzo Nakajima of the class is Sumo Fuji as he does a kind of power style with no actual cool powermoves and doesn't do anything else of note. I'm guessing he can sell hurricanranas so he'll always have a job waiting for him somewhere. His Emilio Charles Jr impersonation is pretty pathetic this go round as opposed to closer to the source like last time. This match turns REALLY great as it becomes a GR rookie approximation of Kaientai Deluxe against Kanemoto/Ohtani/Takaiwa as they pull out every cool spot from those two groups that they can steal- including the greatest TOGO surfboard pose by Magnum Tokyo on Sumo Fuji since Dick Togo did his last one. Add that to the fifteen variations to the Tree-Of-Woe Dropkick right to the frickin face that the rudos did and you have quite a beautiful Homage to Dickishness that I personally HAD to love. The ending starts about six minutes in and goes on for twelve minutes as they hit highspot after finisher after save after highspot after finisher after save. The ending is REALLY GREAT as Judo Suwa destroys Saito (right after making him look godlike by selling his offense like a young Fuerza Guerrera) with a Tiger Driver into a Front Face Buster, but Magnum Tokyo makes the save, smacks Saito in the face to get him to come around and immediately does a SWANK Tope Con Hilo to the other two bastards on the floor. Judo Suwa kills Saito with a Scorpion Deathdrop and diving headbutt to put this baby to rest. Twenty minutes long and I wanted it to go forty. YOU WANT ALLL THIS. (HEY! Who is that supercrushing Piknik Box O' juice gal? WELL Brother.)

Ultimo Dragon/El Hijo del Santo vs. Negro Casas/Black Warrior:
GOD! Talk about loaded for bear. You can't get any better than THAT line-up. "WE ARE MICHINOKU PRO. IF WE CAN'T DELIVER THE GOODS AT THE MOMENT, THEN WE WILL GET THE TAPE FROM MEXICO THAT DOES." Santo is wrestling face here and Casas is still the same fabulous prick bastard he always is but the crowd hates him in this match so he would be considered a heel. They start off with the usual Santo vs Casas by numbers matwork which is fine but Rey vs Malenko do it so much better these days. Maybe they should have just bladed and beat the living hell out of each other like they are more wont to do these days. Black Warrior and Ultimo go at it and since this is the smoothest technico on earth against the smoothest rudo on earth, I was expecting it to be smoother but it's early yet. The first caida is short as Santo gets Casas in a Mexican Ceiling Hold and Ultimo does that SWANK La Majistral double leg scissors thing he does. The second caida was a little rudo caida where Casas and BW cheat and punch and bust up Santo's and UD's knees- with BW pinning UD with a toprope elbow drop. Well. There you go. The third caida, Casas serves up BW to UD and Santo and refuses to tag in. Santos finally gets Casas in the ring and immediately dropkicks him out of the ring and hits one of those insanely out-of-control topes that he isn't afraid to unleash, though they don't crush innocent bystanders like a Third-World bus plunge like a REALLY great classic old school tope will do. BW and UD wander around as Santo and Casas make it to the Camel clutch and then UD finally hits that Dragon Sleeper out of a Quebrada that Jericho keeps fucking up for him. Eh. Not horrible by any stretch, but not as life-threateningly great as it would have been as a main event at Arena Mexico. I dunno. Black warrior and Ultimo Dragon don't take it to the mat, Casas and Santo don't try to murder each other. Life's too short. Pass on this and rewatch the Groupo youngster match.

$%$%$%$%$ ALL JAPAN ON SAMURAI TV! 7/97
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
Tsuyoshi Kikuchi/Daisuke Ikeda vs. Yoshinobu Kanemura/ Takao Omori
Ahh Daisuke Ikeda, sweet Daisuke Ikeda. Ikeda the coolest wrestler in the whole damn ball of mud we call Earth, kicks the Triscuits and celery sticks out of the bulimic Yoshinobu Kanemura and we gets to watch, Daddy! Kanemura (who makes Shaun Simpson look like Jeep Swenson) takes some Jason Elam 50 yard field goals right in the face from Ikeda, as Kikuchi watched on and remembered when Jumbo used to beat his ass like that. This was the second cool Kikuchi match I saw during the Saturday wrestling Marathon so I am pretty high on him. He does a neat bunch of rolling snap suplexes and a choice heel kick in between the Kanemura killin. You should get a copy of anything Ikeda is involved in; he brings the pain.

Sabu vs. Rob Van Dam
I am one of the few wrestling snobs I know who actually enjoyed these two's first series of matches. I thought their stretcher match was Sabu's greatest match ever, and one of the top matches of 1996. However, they are deeply going through the motions now, and we have all seen the spots before. This match was kind of a spot show Van Damn vs Sabu, kind of the same thing you would see in an armory in Plymouth Meeting. The only thing that made this match eventful is that they were going through the motions at an All Japan show, where- as a federation- they have done away with the chairs and tables crap, which Sabu and Robby make their bread and butter. They sure as hell busted out all that nonsense anyway with a lame looking table spot as well as tons of chair crap. Rob did my least favorite move ever- the Van Damninator- and also laid the chair on Sabu's chest, where Sabu kept it as Rob Van Damn did his little split leg moonsault, exposing the business as bad as Kawada selling Baba's chops. Rob is totally out of place in All Japan, he kicks like a pussy (especially compared to Ikeda in the previous match. Extreme my left nutsack. Muthafukken Daisuke Ikeda is Extreme) and all his rolling flipping gymnastic crap looks really out of place in the same ring as stoic legends like Kawada and Misawa. Sabu gets the win with the triple jump moonsault and him and ponytail boy hightail it the fuck out of All Japan.

Toshiaki Kawada vs The Patriot
Welcome to All Japan Thunder. Patriot was on his way to Titanland, and he did the 6 minute job to Kawada. Both guys were kind of dogging it as Kawada kicks the crud out of him, but not nearly as much as you want him to. (The Other Arena All Japan dork mode on) I don't get the purpose of this match, how does it help Kawada to crush The Patriot like this, every one knows he is on a higher tier then Del. Smashing the former Trooper does nothing to enhance his rep. Give this squash to Akiyama or Mossman and have them advance up. Or have Kawada win a 20 minute match and try to make something out of it.(The Other Arena All Japan dork mode off) Ahh Babatastic booking.

Richard Slinger/ The Lacrosse/ Steve Williams vs Mitsaharu Misawa/ Kenta Kobashi/ Kentaro Shiga:
Richard Slinger is this guy who looks enough like Johnny Smith to really confuse me, The Lacrosse is Jungle Jim Steele/Wolf Hawkfield and ex tag team champion with The Field Hockey, Steve Williams is the worlds toughest pharmaceutical drug smuggler. Misawa and Kobashi are some sort of big deal in All Japan while Shiga looks like the Somalian World Champion. This was a six-man tag and it was on Samurai (kind of an All Japan Saturday Night) so the big boys mailed this baby in. Misawa sure as hell wasn't getting dropped on his head: he tagged in - threw some elbows - and tagged the hell out. This match was basically the Shiga /Slinger show with Shiga hitting the super-swank Ohtani springboard dropkick to the back of the head, and Slinger busting out the Superfresh jumping Kawada corner kick of death into a northern lights suplex. After doing nothing the whole match Kobashi does an Orange Crush on Slinger and gets the pin. Fun for the undercard guys stepping up, but if you! want to see Misawa, Williams et all, there are about a zillion better matches.

@#@#@#@#@#@# WCW HANDHELDS (Mid - Late 1996)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
YES, they do exist. The WCW Handhelds that you have heard so much about are finally going to be talked about.

Psicosis vs. Juventud Guerrera
One thing always bugs me about these matches and it has nothing to do with the participants. Of course, all the rubes in the crowd are just waiting to see the NWO because they are the best wrestlers and they can kick everyone's asses. So they chant BORING during the first five minutes when wrestlers like Juventud, Psicosis, Rey, etc... are giving them more actual wrestling moves than they will see in the next year. But as soon as Psicosis lands square on his head and nearly kills himself, it's the greatest thing in the world. Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest, these two have a quaint little match. Nothing overly spectacular. Psicosis hits a spectacular Tornado DDT than picks Juvi up on the cover so you know where this one is going. Juvi wins with the 450 after about 13 minutes.

Syxx vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.
This match was just so .... there. The match basically goes like this. Headlock. Syxx walks around for awhile. Kick. Syxx poses for while. Armbar. Syxx walks around for awhile. HEY SHINZAKI! GET YOUR ASS IN THE RING. Hey! Chavo just got kicked in the face. Twice. More headlocks. More posing. Hey, Chavo just landed right on the top of his head. More stalling. More gestering. Hey, Chavo just got kicked right in the face again. Also, does WCW never bring the right entrance music to house shows. Syxx came out to "Kung Fu Fighting". I mean I kinda shrugged it off when Juventud came out to Kiss's "Rock N Roll All Night" because I thought he didn't have music yet. But Syxx is a member of the NWO. Obviously you have that tape. You have to play it 8 times a time.

Dean Malenko vs. Rey Misterio Jr.
Guess what. This match ruled. Rey was cruiserweight champ at the time and Dean was the Iceman. It was a great match on a tamer level which I think is a testament to the two that they don't have to do all there signature moves to have a great match. There was no tope con hilo or double jump planchas from Rey and there was no Teaxas Cloverleaves or Super Gut Busters from Dean. Just 15 minutes of non-stop action. My personal favorite move was Malenko's side suplex out of a Rey head scissors. Rey comes out on top of a series of roll-ups and all is well again.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Damien
This match wasn't has good as it should have been but that is because Eddie hurts his knee 2 minutes in. So they keep it REAL simple for the next 5 minutes before the Frog Splash ends everything. A little disappointing but understandable.

American Males vs. Outsiders
This just wasn't good. Bagwell shows some flashes but everyone else puts it in the tank. Syxx interferes and Hall and Nash win and not soon enough for my tastes. They hang around the ring, talk and introduce the Giant which leads to...

The Giant vs. Randy Savage
This is even worse. They have a Nitro ending at a house show. I didn't think that was possible. Boy, these last two matches were just a big pile of turd worthy of the Aegean Stables.

Damien/Halloween vs. Psicosis/Juventud Guerrera
This was the dark match of Halloween Havoc 1996 and I am trying to figure out why it wasn't on the actual PPV. Hey! Everybody is willing to kill themselves so why don't we, eventhough we are not on TV! Halloween waffles, and I mean waffles, Psicosis with a sunset flip to the floor. The thud was loud enough to hear on the tape. Then Psicosis and Juvi having a tope contest which Juvi wins as he lands 5 feet further than Psicosis does. The end comes as Juvi does a rana on Damien off of Psicosis's shoulders. There was still 10 minutes left before the PPV started so I don't know why they didn't get a few more minutes.

$%$%$%$ ALL JAPAN TV 6/21/98
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Kenta Kobashi vs Toshiaka Kawada
I SWEAR that I won't let the fact that I think Kawada is so incredibly great and that I think that Kobashi is a big pansy-assed crybaby get in the way of judging this match. EVEN IF Baba was stupid and wrong for taking the belt off of Kawada so soon. So there. This match is pretty frickin great, even if the ending kinda deflates right before the payoff, as they build and build and build and explode each others skulls with dangerous suplexes and high-kicks and lariats and powerbombs and then at the end- when they should have the big payoff- Kobashi hits a standing Lariat while Kawada is standing still and for some reason that polishes off Kawada more than the three running lariats that Kawada kicked out of earlier. You can say it was a cumulative thing, but Kawada just kicked his way out of a predicament and was recovering on his way to the offensive, as they did the coolest part where Kawada sells a super PHAT ASS Orange Crush like a KING and spins and wanders around in a daze and does the GREAT looking desperation spinning high kick while in a daze. I loved that because it was a logical way of doing the idiot illogical All Japan I Am Dead Now Because You Just German Suplexed Me On My Head But Before I Go Ahead And Sell It Let Me Get In This Quick Lariat shit that usually happens. Kawada sells while he does it as opposed to after he does his high-kick and THUS the difference. The main problem is that when Misawa does the same thing in the AJ Tag final and, as he makes the look of regaining his confidence, is killed dead by a Kawada jumping kick to the face, it was big and spectacular and the end hits directly afterwards. Here, they kinda stand around and the finisher looks and feels like afterthought. So I felt letdown because it was pretty intense up to that point. Kobashi is KINGSIZED in this though all the way through, hitting horrendous German and Tequila Sunrise Memory-Depleting suplexes and taking Kawada's Fat Assed kicks right to the face and Kawada's own Cranium-Altering array of dangerous suplexes. My only other beef about this tres SWANK match was that- from what they showed- it was just an extended series of finishers, which is fine but not what one should expect from an All-Japan Triple Crown defense. Kobashi hits a suplex, hits a lariat, Kawada counters with a kick to the face and a powerbomb, Kobashi counters out of it with a released German suplex and a Moonsault, Kawada kicks out and kicks him in the face and hits another powerbomb, etc, etc. Where's the subtext, the history, the backstory, WHERE'S THE STORY? It's really cool but really one-dimensional when compared to other (read: anything with Misawa) Triple Crown matches. But this is just petty nitpicking. This is a pretty great match, just not a REALLY great match I mean, hell. Trust me, you want ALLLL THIS. HEY HEY! There you go!

!@!@!@!@@ NEO-JAPAN LADIES PRO "Seven Chocolates" COMMERCIAL TAPE (2/15/98)
(by REV RAY DUFFY)
Saya Endo vs. Chikako Shiratori (J'd)
The highlight of the match is Shiratori's outfit, nuff said. A pretty forgettable match which ends with Lioness Asuka, Shark and a few of the other J'd bad girls running in and attacking both women. Mita and Shimoda go to save their No-Way-As-Cool third and end up getting chained to the ring ropes and mocked by Lioness Asuka as the green haired Queen of Suck cuts open Endo with a barbed wire stick.

(In a best of 3 challenge series, JWP vs Neo Japan)
Yuka Shiina vs. Tomoko Kuzumi (JWP)
Kuzumi works on Shiina's bad leg a bit, she also pulls out some cool springboard drop kicks as well as some cool ass underhook back breakers. Yuka got out of the way of a plancha to the floor and Kuzumi takes out the seconds on the floor. Shiina hits some ok top rope drop kicks and a sunset flip powerbomb for a two. Kuzumi gets in control again, hits a series of locomotion German suplexes. Kuzumi wins with a standing on the top rope underhook suplex. Eh.

Tanny Mouse vs. Kanako Motoya (JWP)
If Shark is the Green Haired Queen of Suck, then Tanny is the Red Haired Queen of Suck. Well, I'm not in a good mood when I'm reviewing this- I'm home sick, Dean sent me tapes with Hotta NOT killing the Clown and Hikari NOT Moonsault stomping the holy fudge out of Tanny. And while the Clown can put on matches that don't totally annoy me, I've see 2 Tanny matches and as far as I'm concerned, it's 2 Tanny matches too many. Highlights : Motoya showed some nice moves and had a cool outfit. Lowlights : Tanny not only did not get killed deader than dead, SHE WON! with an underhook piledriver.

Misae Genki vs. Tomoko Miyaguchi
Genki challenges Tomoko to a test of strength and then to make it fair, squats down so she's the same height as Miyaguchi. Genki overpowered her, but Tomoko got in control with some moves. Genki started no selling her kicks until Miyaguchi DDTed her. They work the mat a bit with Miyaguchi working the leg until Genki turns it into body scissors and then starts putting on a few Kyoko-eque lucha submission holds. Genki hits a top rope elbow drop and she looks REAL unsteady on the top rope. She hits a pescado out to the floor. Tomoko gets thrown in, she hits a step up the ropes flying roundhouse kick that drops Genki to the floor and hits a plancha off to the top rope. She hits a Top Rope Roundhouse kick for 2. She hits a German for two, goes for a suplex, but Genki blocks it and hits a back suplex. Tomoko recovers with a wakigatame. Tomoko misses a top rope splash and gets chokeslammed. Genki goes up top, Tomoko hits her with a top rope fallaway slam but Genki foot saves. They go back and forth for a bit, Tomoko gets caught going up the ring ropes and gets a chokeslam to end this. The music they play for Genki sounds a bit too much like the Macarana for my tastes.

Jaguar Yokota vs. Chaparita ASARI
ASARI opens with her double handspring mule kicks, one which was bad because Jaguar was too close to her, the second she turned into a roll up. ASARI hits her  handspring body press, Jaguar throws her outside, hits a somersault body attack off the apron, throws her in and hits her with a hip attack and then goes to the mat. ASARI gets in control and works on Jag's legs. Jag gets to her feet, hits a tombstone and then goes into an abdominal stretch, then goes after ASARI's legs. They go back and forth a bit, ASARI hits an assortment of ranas, Jag hits a tiger, er, Jaguar driver, ASARI hits a plancha to the floor. ASARI hits a skytwister (lands on her side), Jag foot saves, Jag gets out of the way of the second, hits a straight jacket suplex and a piledriver each for two. Eventually she puts it away with a moonsault body press. Not bad for the Golden Girl of Women's Wrestling.

Etsuko Mita/ Mima Shimoda vs Chaparita ASARI/ Tanny Mouse/ Misae Genki/ Yuka Shiina
Handicap match. The youngsters bum rush the bad girls at the start of the match and start using chairs on them. They do a spot where Tanny and Yuka bite Mita and Shimoda's arms as Genki has them in a headlock and ASARI hops on the Cachorras' back and poses. They do a spot where ASARI and Shiina have the Cachorras in figure fours and Tanny and Genki run the ropes. Of course when they criss cross, they run into each other... DOH! All four do the annoying Tanny dance/ diving headbutt deal. Mita eliminates Tanny with a powerbomb, but that's no where near enough killing for my tastes. Shimoda eliminates Shiina after a bit of saves by ASARI, but eventually, Shimoda gets a moonsault following a Mita powerbomb. It's now two on two and it gets all Mempho on us as they go into the crowd. They lay out Genki and ASARI on the floor and Shimoda does the railing ride from the upper level (and it looks like a total disaster.) They try to set up the Cachorras plancha spots, but Endo ends up eating it, ASARI ends up hitting a plancha on both. Genki has a chokeslam on Shimoda blocked by Mita, but turns a running neck breaker drop into one, only to eat a chair from Mita shortly after. ASARI goes rana crazy only to get powerbombed by Mita. She gets eliminated after Shimoda rolls through a top rope rana attempt. Genki controls briefly with a chokeslam, but when Shimoda goes for a tiger suplex and Genki walks to the ropes for the break, she gets nailed with a chair. They hit the plancha spot on Genki and then do the piledriver on the table. They break a chair on her head, hit the Death Lake Driver and then the Death Valley Driver for the win. Welcome to booking hell. The Jr's had no real excuse to losing aside from the fact that all of them wrestled earlier and they had Tanny on their side. They didn't eliminate anyone. I mean, do Mita and Shimoda need to squash four people to get over? I would think their rep was good enough without having four people not be able to beat them. I mean, can any 2 of those four be a threat for the tag titles if 4 of them couldn't beat them? This was an example of "Bad Handicap match" booking as opposed to "Good Handicap match" booking that was the Oz Academy v. Ozaki.

Kyoko Inoue vs. Hikari Fukuoka (JWP)
Kyoko controls early with power until Hikari flips out of her elevated stretch move and puts on one of her own, doing the Kyoko dance prior to apply the hold. Kyoko works a bunch of chinlocks, hits the a DDT out of the corner off the second rope and goes back to the lucha submissions. Kyoko puts her in a torture rack and then drops her into a back breaker. Hikari flips out of a suplex attempt and turns it into a rolling cradle. Hikari hits a somersault body attack off the apron onto Kyoko. Hikari hits a few second rope drop kicks, Kyoko backdrops out of an under hook attempt. Kyoko hits a few clotheslines, goes up top and fights off a few superplex attempts. Kyoko with a second rope drop kick, she goes up again, this time Hikari hits a superplex. Hikari goes for a moonsault, Kyoko Germans her off, Hikari gets in control and hits a beautiful moonsault. Goes for a rana, gets powerbombed. They go back and forth a bit, Hikari hits her moonsault plancha. Hikari hits a nice top rope drop kick, Kyoko kicks out twice. Kyoko kills her with a clothesline for 2. Kyoko hits her with another clothesline for two, Hikari gets a cradle for 2, hits her somersault drop kick and kills Inoue with the Moonsault Double Stomp (like it's hard to miss Kyoko's stomach now! HAR HAR!) Good match.
Overall.... ah, I dunno. Nurse! Where's my medication...

&*&*&*&* WORLD WRESTLING COUNCIL TV 4/18/98
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Well, what do ya know! I didn't know that they still had wrestling on TV in Puerto Rico but here it is and- since this the Official Death Valley Driver Video Review Year of Puerto Rican Lucha Libre- we're here to tell ya what it FEELS like to actually watch this stuff. All you can do is dig it, brothers and sisters.

Victor The Bodyguard vs Bret Sanders:
I'm going in pretty cold on this so bear with me. The massive amounts of blood obscures the few hints of who looks like who thus making identification even more difficult and I spent my college foreign language credits on the most useless wrestling language on earth (French) so El Profe isn't gonna be helping me any. ON TO THE MATCH! Victor the Bodyguard is the face and Bret Sanders is the evil gringo. Sanders looks kinda like Raven if Raven ate a whole bunch of Ho-hos coated in gravy. The match is basic US Pro-style- the predominant PR Lucha style- and it's no worse than...say... Hack Meyers versus Mr Hughes. So there you go. Basic stuff, working out of the headlock, basic Memphis heel tactics to gather the cheapest of heat, basic moves and basic psychology which keeps it based on something solid if unspectacular -which is the real strength of PR wrestling, all leading up to that innately Puerto Rican aspect- the blood-soaked run-in. The Perfect Ten who manages Sanders, runs in and we are blinded by all the blood flying into our cyber-eyes as crimson masks are garnered by technicos everywhere on the screen as they come in to make the save. Everybody does interviews and the Perfect Ten does a Hoganesque stream of machobabble. Victor the Bodyguard looks like he's mastered the blade a lot better than the one he's guarding, because Victor has the Wahoo level Visage of Scarlet, while his sidekick (his brother Someone Rodriguez! Yes!) had more of a Johnny Weaver style Hint of Blood thing going.

Mohammed Hussein vs Black Boy
Mohammed Hussein has a very Rotundo like set of irritatingly hackneyed heel tactics that really suck. He actually works a lot stiffer and amazingly stiff for Puerto Rico so he didn't thoroughly annoy me. Black Boy is all high-flying in a Steve Doll kind of way so this would have been really at home with Lance Russelll calling the action. And Black Boy wins clean as a sheet. I forget how incredibly unspectacular Puerto Rican wrestling is. It's not bad, it's just not spectacular. Sort of like when Big Japan Heavyweights take it to the mat.

Stormy Whether vs Fidel Sierra
HOLY MERCIFUL CRAP! Fearlessly they show a Fidel Sierra squash from AWF Warriors of Wrestling! Sweet Mother of Mercy! With Spanish announcing. The fact that Fidel Sierra and Gentleman Chris Adams had one of the three good matches in the history of that fly-by-night promotion's existence in no way acquits WWC of putting SECOND HAND shitty wrestling on TV. I wish I knew how they explained Sgt Slaughter showing up on the splitscreen. Tee-hee-hee-hee.

Invader 1 vs. Fidel Sierra
Oh yeah this is more like it! Goog old-fashioned Baseball stadium mayhem! Invader 1 got unmasked at some point and he and Fidel Sierra... oh, it's just a highlight. Ah crap! Fun-filled interviews between these follow.

El Escorpion vs Vampire Warrior
Hey! I thought Vampire Warrior was supposed to be horrible. He's actually real okay in an indie heavyweight kind of way. Good workrate, works stiff, what else do you want? He also makes disturbig squealing noises when he does the interveiw interruption stompdown later. The Dee Snider-esque teeth really have to go.

Ricky Santana/ Shane vs. Head Hunters
Oh yeah this is more like it! Good old-fashioned Baseball stadium mayhem! Actually, this is in-doors but it's still not a TV taping match. Ricky and Shane assume the rolls of a sort of nineties Dynamic Dudes and the Head Hunters assume the role of two overweight bloodsucking freaks... oh wait... I usually despise most Headhunters matches because...well... they suck. I also hate it when Atlantis and Mr Niebla have to waste a match by wrestling these two. Since this isn't Mexico and PR is more their style (whereas IWA Japan was their true home) so this works better as a match. The Hunters working US Pro-style is less of a stretch than these two working straight Mexican Lucha Libre and though they aren't as good at this style as they are at super-psychotic garbage wrestling, it's still enough to work in this match as the do the basic face in peril match with Shane assuming the role of Ricky Morton. HeadHunter B missesa a very obese senton and the faces go on offense. Shane posts HeadHunter A twice but we miss the HeadHunter A-level bladejob that surely ensued. HeadHunter B crushes Santana with his pudge then shoots for the Moonsault that would actually kill someone if they ever hit on a normal sized wrestler but misses thus setting up the dogpile pin by Ricky and Shane! This was a big bunch better than it had any right to be. I assume the role of a veiwer surprised at how good it was. Puerto Rican wrestling rules.

!@!@!@!@!@! THE SCRAMBLE SOUL TO SOUL CUTOUT BIN! !@!@!@!@
Tsuyoshi Kikuchi/ Kenta Kobashi vs. Jumbo Tsuruta/ Akira Taue (ALL JAPAN Classics #37 on Samurai! TV): (by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
There is nothing better than the grumpy old Jumbo Tsuruta. Jumbo just beats the everloving piss out of the spunky Kikuchi. Punching him in the jaw, kicking him in the face, dropping him over the guardrail throat first and visibly shortening his career. Absorbing beatings like this night after night kind of explains why Tsuyoshi is wrestling in comedy matches now. This was a period in Akira Taue's career when he had spectacularly great hair (kind of a Japanese Danny Zuko), and spectacularly bad wrestling skills. Akira Fonzarelli just kind of lumbered around delivering some Sid Eudyesque offense. Kobashi didn't do much either, as this was kind of the Jumbo kills Tsuyoshi show. The best moment of the match is when Kobashi goes up for his fancy dancy little moonsault and Jumbo comes across the ring and beheads him with a Lariat that would make Stan Hansen write a Hallmark sympathy card. Jumbo is so great in this, he won't drop you straight on your head- he will just beat your punk ass, and it is all good.

@@@@Genichiro Tenryu/ Koshinaka vs Masa Chono/Tenzan (NEW JAPAN TV 6/27/98):
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
WHERE IN THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?!?! THIS IS THOROUGHLY AND ABSOLUTELY GREAT. I've never seen Tenryu and Chono this fired up. Chono- somehow- got his broken, crippled body to keep up with everything that his mind wanted to do and he and Tenryu JUST GO AT IT and both beat the hell out of EVERYTHING in their wake. Chono finally achieves the true badass level that he's been shooting for since his heel turn and credit it to Tenryu being man enough to take a straight right cross to the face twenty times in a row. Tenryu and Tensan have a subplot where young punk Tensan refuses to go down to Tenryu so Tenryu continues to go super Old School stiff and they beat the living hell out of each other. Koshinaka kind of drifts in and keeps Tensan occupied with wads of actual wrestling so Tenryu can kill the living hell out of Chono as Chono takes a HELLISH bump after Tenryu suplexes him over the ropes to the floor. Chono is killed dead by a flying lariat from the apron to the rail by Tenryu and thus freeing up both to crush Tensan like bug. Tensan survives and Chono comes back from the dead and he starts beating the hell out of everybody again to save the murdalized Tensan and it all shifts to Tensan using nine different finishers on Koshinaka until he finally succumbs to a Tensan flying headbutt. This is the best match I've ever seen Chono and Tensan in and only the Tsuruta matches with Tenryu are more psychotically violent than this. This was intense. This was stiff as shit. This was great. All in nineteen minutes. THIS WAS AWWWEEESSOOOMMMEE.

##### Terry Funk vs. Brusier Brody (ALL JAPAN CLASSICS on SAMURAI TV! #37):
(by PHIL RIPPA)
You know what? This ain't going to be your typical wrestling match. I watched this with Phil and Dean and we trying to guess how long it was going to be before the blood started flowing. My idea of 30 seconds and Dean's guess of 2 1/2 minutes; were blown out of the water as these two go a whole SIX minutes before Funk carves himself open. Now the match is like 10 minutes old and Brody still isn't busted open. Phil starts wondering if this is going to be like that FMW Death Match on the ECWvs FMW vs ZEN tape that had no blood. How could Brody not bleed? It's Brusier Brody, I mean he has spilt so much blo..... Oh here we go! The plasma is flowing. You know the Red Cross recently said that the blood supply is low across the country. I think it's because they gave these two so much of it to keep them alive after this match was over. Now Funk and Brody bleed and brawl and brawl and bleed all over the place. Then Jimmy Snuka gets involved helping Brody out. And SWEET JESUS is Snuka huge. I didn't think a human body could inject so many steroids. I was wrong. So Funk it getting worked over and Phil starts wondering, "when is the crazy insurance salesman going to get involved." And right on cue, Dory Jr. hustles down and starts brawling too. This was so great. You KNOW you want all of this.

Phil, Phil, Ray, Dean- we all say SO LONG TILL NEXT TIME!

"When you're Dreaming does your lover have my face?"
- The Buzzcocks, Greatest band ever.