Welcome to DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #64!

It's been a week of GIGANTIC tape-watching proportions for both me and the youngster up North- the fabulous Phil Schneider. I got the THREE Glenn tapes from the swellest guy to ever drew breath (that would be Glenn) which were all chock-full of grapplin goodness, and Phil swung the deal that landed him all the Puerto Rican TV he could ever want and then some, so our collective dance cards are pretty full, tape-gazing-wise. I'd like to send out a totally gratutious and petty bit of info to maestros of Lucha Libre, Pete and Rev. Ray- GLENN SENT ME THE POSTER FOR CMLL IN JAPAN and GOD is it BOSS! Next time I see you I'll definately bring it so I can actually WATCH you turn green with envy. Shocker is TOTALLY VERTICAL on it. On a less gloating note. Phil and Phil the Ripper (owner of the WORLD'S WORST CAR- a Chrysler Celebrity that would send Ralph Nader into seizures) and the cute, cuddly and GAEA-esque Jennifer- the misguided (or perhaps visually impaired) girlfriend of the former of the Phils joined Hangman Tim and twenty other non-wrestling-addled pals of mine for the New Years' Day brunch where Angie got to get all Northern Italian on your ass and cook like a woman who created this fatboy. A fantabulous time was had by all. It was pot-stickers till ya drop. WHOMP ASS!

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ GAEA- G-PANIC 12/13
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This was kinda hit or miss as they spotlighted their next crop of youngsters now that they have the proven commodities of Uematsu, Satomura, Kato, the divine Sugar, and Nagashima. The biggest push seems to be behind Sakura Hirota and she is kinda like a Chigusa protege like Meiko Satomura was last year. The problem is that Hirota isn't nearly as developed as Satomura so these are kinda burly in sections. Let's Go Match By Match!!

Maiko Matsumoto vs. Hirota:
For hardcore GAEA freaks only (which I think includes me and Ollie Postlethwaite.:)) Matsumoto and Hirota are deeply into the developmental phase and Chigusa likes for the young punkins to have dozens of matches amongst themselves until they develop their own styles and can figure out what works and what doesn't work in front of a paying audience. Of course why she would stick it on TV is beyond me. Hirota IS cute as all hell though and if she becomes any kind of a worker, she could get way over.. She wins with an inexplicable submission.

Mita/Shimoda vs. Chigusa/Hirota:
This was a whole lot of fun. Mima Shimoda. Little Pants. WOO-HOO! This was about as wacky as Mita and Shimoda get, keeping with their current hot trend, with Mita being...Oh I dunno... SUPERNAUGHTY, maybe. She really puts the boots to Hirota- pile-driving her through a table and giving her a Death Valley Driver that Louie Spiccolli could only dream of. Chigusa makes the saves at appropriate times and works really well with the two ULTRAVIXENS, as one would expect. Hirota looks pretty credible in an up-and-coming kind of way, though she DEEPLY needs a less anemic offense to hang with the HOT MINKY HELLCATS, though she had a few nifty moments. She does go crazy at the end, hitting everybody (including Chigusa) with the pink Shimoda chair. Shimoda makes me glad to be a heterosexual man. Mita is quite the GODDESS OF PURE EVIL also, but Shimoda...she....she....oh......I'll stop right now.

Akira Hokuto/ Sonoko Kato vs. Chigusa/ Hirota
This is a wreck. Kato is a Hokuto follower and Satomura is the Yamada protege so these kinda matches are gonna happen, but Akira and Chigusa are just goofing off in this one. Kato didn't get much in, but Hirota gets in a plancha off the ringpost. I was figuring on Hokuto killing Hirota. Dead. Since Hirota was busting on the Dangerous Queen from the get-go, but no such luck.

Numao/ Matsumoto/ Hirota vs. Uematsu/ Rina Ishii/ Hikari Kato
Rina Ishii and Hikari Kato are the most promising of the non-Toshie aspects of this match and they aren't in with each other. Rina gets her nose broken by the hideously mediocre Numao. Matsumoto and Numao make this match unwatchable, with Hirota doing a couple of nice things with Kato and Uematsu. Uematsu is slumming it in this baby because she's already had some actually great matches and she doesn't really add anything to this other than the finisher. Ugh!

Rina Ishii vs. Hikari Kato
This was quite watchable as these two could be the next two to break out from the pack with Hirota. Kato is a big girl who can stretch an opponent. Ishii is real inconsistent thus-far, but she is proving to be exciting in spots because she is agile enough and can fly pretty well so far. Journeyman at best, but the sparks of promise show through at spots.

Mayumi Ozaki/ Sugar Sato vs. KAORU/ Yamada
Oh baby! This was a batch of fun. Sugar, the queen of heroin chic in GAEA, is dressed exactly like her role-model, her partner Mayumi Ozaki, and there are points when you can't tell them apart. Ozaki cheeses off Yamada early and all Yamada can think of is beating the crap out of the PURE WILD one. This cheeses off KAORU because- while Yamada is fighting to get at Ozaki- Ozaki and Sugar beat the crap out of KAORU. Sugar hangs with the big girls in this one and it's pretty great. I await the KAORU vs Yamada ass-stompathon with baited breath. GET SOME OF ALLLL THIS!

%^%^%^%^%^ NEW JAPAN TV aired 12/20
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Ohtani vs Ka Shin is FREAKIN GREAT- possibly the best Ohtani match since the Liger match last year. Kendo Ka Shin has really come into his own as of late and he was freakin awesome in this, flying into submission moves like lightning, like Cobra,  like...a....a....really fast thing. Ohtani is in FULL DICK MODE, playing the conceited little prick that Kanemoto lives 24-7. Liger has really got this division in a good way, because by giving KaShin all the big wins over Kanemoto and Takaiwa, there is a big pop for every cross armbreaker because, HELL! who knows?- Ishizawa could pull off the upset and who would be totally shocked? Liger has built it up by putting all these guys in the ring together and having everybody have truly  one-crushing wins over bigname opponents on the opposing team. Liger is a smarter version of Pete Rozelle. Kinda. Ohtani just thoroughly WHIPS ASS in this- going to the mat with the young mat master, suplexing the holy FUDGE out of the masked man and scraping his boot across the other punks face. I pretty much adored this match.

Hashimoto/ Nakanishi vs. Mutoh/ Chono
This was pretty good. Nakanishi has new little white pants that are quite disturbing. Chono and Mutoh are now officially a funtabulous tagteam as Chono is wrestling Within Himself and kicking people in the face and is the basic Japanese King-sized HeatMachine and Mutoh grew a beard and remembered how to actually work again. They go over big with the double submission over, which is weird since Nakanishi putting over either of these guys would be conventional wisdom.

!@!@!@!@!@! ALL JAPAN TV 11/30/97
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Taue/ Kawada vs Kobashi/ Ace kicked a whole lot of ass while it lasted in its highly truncated version on AJTV. Johnny Ace hits his American Trifecta of Moves stolen at length- Ace Crusher, FaceCrusher, and OOPS! No time for the next big move to be stolen in the USA- the Cobra Clutch Suplex. Kawada and Dynamic T pummel the crap out of Kobashi as you would expect. Ace makes goofy faces between SWANK moves in an unsettling developement.

Misawa/ Akiyama vs. Hayabusa/ Shinzaki
Now this REALLY cheesed me off. Shinzaki has stunk up the ring more often this year than even Jeff Jarrett, but put him in the ring with freakin Mitsuhara Fuckin Misawa in a match where Shinzaki HAS to get off his fat lazy ass and wrestle, and he looks GREAT. He sells, he hits spots, he takes hellish bumps, his offense is offbeat and neato- especially the Dick TOGO front somersault heel kick which was totally Togo-esque. Hayabusa continued to make 97 the YEAR THAT HAYABUSA NO LONGER SUCKED even if his basic duty in the match is to be Exploder Suplex Fodder. Misawa, being WAY too much of a pro, allows Shitzaki to do that ridiculous rope walking crap, but also beat the piss out of the erstwhile Hakushi so I guess it's okay. The fabulous Tope Con Hilo/Flying Space Tiger Drop combo by Haya and Shinz was pretty ultra-fabulous, but the Exploders and  stiffer-Than-RSPW-When-Chyna-Got-Her-Boobies Elbows were cooler. The ending is great and totally All-Japan with everybody killing each other and everybody kicking out at 2 and 9/10ths. GET ALLLLLL THIS!

#$#$#$#$#$# GLOBAL LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT TOURNAMENT
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
I remember- back in the summer of 1991- Global Wrestling Federation, for a quick moment, being the best wrestling in America. I mean in the NWA/WCW, at the Great American Bash, El Gigante was wrestling One Man Gang and Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt were wrestling Arn Anderson and Paul E. Dangerously in a cage; and, in the WWF, at Summerslam Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior were fighting Sgt. Slaughter, Gen Adnan and Col. Mustafa in the "Match made in Hell" (Truer words have never been spoken.) Meanwhile, Global had Eddie Gilbert, Cactus Jack, Terry Gordy, Jerry Lynn and the Lightning Kid. California never really had any televised indy wrestling (except CCW which had four episodes run over and over again; Ripper Savage rocked though) so Global was the indy of my youth; so in many ways, watching this whole damn tournament again was the death of my innocence, cause I sure as hell didn't remember so much suck.

Butch Blackhart vs. Handsome Stranger:
Handsome Strange is Marcus Bagwell, and he is as gassed as a Steiner and greener then broccoli. His gimmick is that he is a masked lothorio who passes out roses to the toothless, meth-snorting, either emaciated or obese Stucky's waitresses who populate the front rows of the Sportatorium (or the Global Dome as they hyperbolically dubbed it). Butch Blackhart looks exactly like one of these ladies boyfriends. The incubatory Buff with a fisherman's suplex.

Rip Rogers vs. Ray Evans:
Rip was IMO the lost great worker of the eighties, I have some JTTS matches with him against Brian Pillman from the Main Event that kick anything they ever had on that shows scrawny ass. The Hustler was in the Cartel, which was the big Global heel group (led by the mysterious Boss) and was getting a push. Ray Evens was some guy they dragged off the street so they could make this a 24 man tourney. Rip with the DDT. Nothing special, nothing horrible, pretty much....nothing.

Ed Robinson vs. Chaz:
Ed Robinson looks like the guy who sold my parents their aluminum siding. Chaz is a highflying guy in hideously small pants, I mean he was wearing bikini briefs; it was so raunchy you could see his package and everything. The match itself was pretty good, with Chaz trying some stuff, and not fucking up too much of it and hitting a nice top rope karate kick, however I have to give it a negative million billion stars for the tiny pants.

Bubba Fangman vs. Lightning Kid
Bubba Fangman has the coolest name in the tournament, Lightning Kid looked real, real young, had lightning bolts in his hair and wrestled like a kingpin. The Kid with a spin kick.

John Tatum vs. Khris Germany
John Tatum is about 15 cases of Shlitz away from being a lightheavyweight, but I guess, because of his agility and grace, they let the weight limit slide a tad. Khris Geremany looks like he moonlights at a Stereo store. Tatum with the Middle Of The Road Superkick.

Terry Garvin vs. Kenny the Stinger
Terry Garvin is the famed WWF ringboy molester and Pal of Pat Patterson, Kenny the Stinger is another guy who is way too big too be in this tournament. Kenny had real bad hair- kind of a blond flatop with really long hair in the back, and he wasn't good at wrestling. Terry Garvin actually had some good matches in Global with Eddie Gilbert, but Kenny the Stinger ain't Eddie Gilbert, so this stunk. Garvin with a DDT that wasn't as good as Rip Rogers

"Quick" Rick Garren vs. Terry Daniels
Terry Daniels was a Marine Corp wrestling champion, Garren is anonymous. This match was pretty darn good, with a lot of fast mat wrestling and good counters, nothing fancy but everything was well applied and the transitions were crisp. I don't know what happened to either of these guys, but they looked like they had some sort of future. Daniels with a roll up

Jerry Lynn vs. Randy Rhodes
Jerry Lynn is of course the second best wrestler in this tournament, so they stick him in this match. Rhodes , who bares a frighteningly striking resemblance to Dusty Rhodes- I mean everything but the splotch- claims that he is 232 which is a pound under the limit, and him and his manager? (that guy who has more then a fraternal love for the Colorado Kid) argue with the ref, and Jerry Lynn rolls him up. An utter waste of a good wrestler, here is an angle that is just screaming have Brian Adias advance with and they waste Lynn. Bleech.

Iceman King Parsons vs. Adrian Street
Boy! the Iceman was flamboyant! Boy! Adrian was colorful! Boy! neither could wrestle. Bunch of comedy crap; Iceman dumps Adrian over the top rope and gets DQ'ed. Real poor but it was frickin Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat compared to ...

Brian Adias vs. El Bandelaro
Brian Adias looks like my dad's old bridge partner, Roger Baliss, and wrestles just like Roger Baliss would if he was snatched off the street and put in a match. He is the worst wrestler I have ever seen, he is slow, sloppy, can't mat wrestle, is boring, has no charisma, works loose, has no move set, and isn't over, he is absolutely nothing. El Bandalero is probably Ray Evens in a mask or something cause he sure wasn't a luchadore. The repellent Brian Adias with the shittiest Russian leg sweep ever. It was amazingly bad, worse than the greenest of indy rookie matches, worse than Big Slam Vader v. King Kong Bundy, worse than that Sid Vicious v. Nightstalker. The absolute Nadir of all wrestling.

Maniac Mike Davis vs. Victor Gonzales
Rey ain't a luchadore either (how hard would it have been for Global to go across to Monterey Mexcio and grab a half dozen luchadores for this tourney, it's not like they would have had to pay them anything, they could have had El Hijo Del Santo for 50 bucks and a couple of hotdogs, instead the fill out the brackets with poop like these two) Davis with a bunch of lame heel tactics i.e. punches and chokes and crap, and he gets the win with a leg across the head of a crouching Gonzazles.

Steve Simpson vs. Mike Stetson
Stetson is real fat. Steve Simpson is one half of the famous Simpson brothers from South Africa, who some how got Texas redneck wrestling fans to cheer for them for years despite the fact they looked like the biggest puss boys in the history of pussdom. Steve looks exactly like the bass-player from Trixster. Lots of mat wrestling from Simpson, lot of cellulite on Stetson. Simpson with the top rope splash.

Chaz vs. Lightning Kid
Chaz has a different shade of horrifically tiny pants. The Lightning Kid is the bomb, this is real good match. They start with some mat exchanges and move into some quick armdrags and dropkicks. The Kid pastes Chaz with some kicks, he whips Chaz to the ropes and dropkicks him in the corner. He tries it again and does the Psicosis bump in the ring (dive into the corner and land on your head). Chaz hits a nice power plant cross body block. The Kid puts on a cross armbraker and Scott Hudson (of WCW PRO FAME!!!) talks about how the kid learned his style wrestling in the UWF in Japan where they wrestle a submission style (I laugh the cruel laugh of the wrestling nerd as I realize that that ignorant fool Hudson has mistaken the shootsyle UWF where Nobhioro Takada and Akira Meadea fought , with the Lucha UWF, a precusror to Michinoku Pro, run by Gran Hamade in which the Lightning Kid actually wrestled). The Kid hits a choice tope-con-hilo which rocked cause it wasn't crisp and it looked all out of control and dangerous. The Kid hits the spinning kick, and then a tombstone for the win.

Handsome Stranger vs. Rip Rogers
They totally wasted Rogers in this tourney, a match with Chaz or the Kid or Lynn would have been real good, instead they saddled him with a satchel of turds. Here they put him in with the Lugeresque Stranger,. Clothesline, powerslam, crap (Bagwell was as bad then as he is good now.). Rasta the Voodo Man (the gimmick precursor to Papa Shango) comes out as an ominous portent of screwjobs to come. Roidwell with the fishermans suplex.

Brian Adias vs. Mike Davis
Hide the women and children, Davis with the rope assisted pin after a Adias sunset flip.

Jerry Lynn vs. Terry Daniels
Not as good as it should have been. Jerry was deeply into being a guy who GONNA be good at some point as opposed to actually being a guy who is good. Terry Daniels isn't to blame. Lynn with a sub-Ricky Steamboat Body Press.

Hollywood John Tatum vs. Terry Garvin
Tatum doing all his comedy crap, making those funny faces which originated when he . Tatum with the chain.

Steve Simpson vs. Adrian Street
Way better then it had any right to be. Lots of cool mat wrestling by both, Adrian Street does a somesault drop toe-hold which was pretty improbable, but neat. Really weird ending as Street bulldogs Simpson and, holds his side like he hurt his ribs and the ref stops the bout.

Handsome Stranger vs. Lightning Kid
The two actual workers in the angled behemoth that is the NWO, square off before they were stars. This was way worse then it had any right to be. Lots of stalling by the Kid and, when they finally get going, Rasta the Voodo Man comes out and puts a spell on the Handsome Stranger causing him to fall off the top rope and get spin kicked. Voodo + Wrestling = Thundering Herd of Suck.

Steve Simpson vs. Mike Davis
Davis bites, punches, chokes, sucks. The King of Sissified Girlyboys wins with a top rope splash.

Jerry Lynn vs. John Tatum
Tatum does what Tatum does, as I wonder how Rip Rogers got eliminated and Tatum is still in this tourney. Tatum accedently superkicks the ref and Lynn advances.

There was a coin toss and Lynn gets a bye to the final.

Lighning Kid vs. Steve Simpson
Fun. Simpson hits a couple of floatover vertical suplexes and a real neat floatover chicken wing suplex, as he continues to impress me despite myself. Kind of short with the Kid winning by reversing a cross body block.

Lightning Kid vs. Jerry Lynn - Global Light heavyweight Final:
Great, great, great, great match. Really neat mat wrestling opening. They both used Lucha and Japanese influences so you could tell these boys watched some tapes. Highlights include, the Kid pasting Lynn in the corner with some kicks and Lynn turning the last one into a dragon screw. The sequence right before the end rocked The Lightning Kid misses a somersault leg drop and gets dropkicked out of the ring; he then goes to the ring apron and gets dropkicked to the floor and takes a nice bump. Jerry Lynn then hits a running plancha. The Kid gets up and places Lynn in a firemans carry and drops his face on the ring apron. The Kid then throws Lynn on the stage and does a crazy dive from the top rope 15 feet to the stage. The end is the only thing that keeps this from being a classic. LK hits a top rope spin kick and knocks down both Lynn and referee James Beard; he then pulls a chain out of his trunks and smacks Lynn. Hey! It's Dallas not Osaka so I guess I can forgive that. Maybe the best match in the history of the Sportatorium.

Get the Lightning Kid vs. Chaz, and Lightning Kid vs. Lynn matches but you could easily live a happy life without ever seeing the rest.

#$#$#$#$#$ NEW JAPAN TV aired on 12/6, taped 11/30 from Aichi
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Chono/ Mutoh vs. NWO Sting/ Tenzan
HEY! A couple of reasons why NWO JAPAN is better than NWO USA: NWO Sting rules the fucking world. Vincent sucks a golf golfball through a garden hose. NWO USA is a united front that screws up perfectly dreadful matches. NWO JAPAN waits till the match is pretty much over before doing a real stompdown. Outsiders wrestle the useless Steiners. Buff Bagwell wrestles Yamazaki. Hall turning on Savage is a big deal. Chono, Mutoh, NWO Sting and Tenzan beat the piss out each other and its back to business as usual.

El Samurai vs. Takaiwa:
Truncated and hacked up way too much to be able to make the call, this version does have some cool stuff in it's few minutes. This is the tape that Juventud Guerrera must have seen when he nicked the DDT out of a Powerbomb spot because El Saurai does it in this one. Takaiwa kills the hell out of El with the endless Powerbomb into the Death Valley Driver and REALLY KILLS the living Hell out of El with second rope Death Valley Driver, so there you go.

Kanemoto/ Ohtani vs. Liger/ Ka Shin:
Liger is HOGWILD in this one - making Kanemoto and Ohtani look even MORE godlike before subjecting them to his hideous wrath. Ka Shin continues his massive  hotstreak by being the fired up face foil to the surly dickishness to Kanemoto. Ohtani tagging with Koji really brings out the dick in him and this no exception. The ending is heartbreaking. Postmatch only needs Lance Russell as they set up this year's Concession Stand Brawl. Liger is being fitted for a crown I'm guessing. I love this stuff.

Sasaki/ Yamazaki vs Nakanishi/ Hashimoto:
Hey NOW. This was a big bunch fun. Nakanishi, the former Kurasawa, is becoming quite the Big Texan as he does his Barry Windham impersonation. Yamazaki and Hash beating the crud out of each other is always fun and this was the funnest. Sasaki is wrestling...within... himself.....and is only slightly bland and luglike in this momma.

#$#$#$#$#$#$ ALL JAPAN TV aired on 12/7, taped 12/5 from Budokan
Taue/ Kawada vs. Misawa/ Akiyama for the Real World Tag Final.
Hmmmm... where have I seen this before. Luckily this is a lot different from last years extravaganza. Misawa gets ALL FIRED UP and tries to tear both Loser-In-Yellow-Boots and the amazing Dynamic T new ones since he's basically gotten ass mightily kicked by these two the last two years running. Akiyama is Taue's whipping boy in this as Taue reaches back into the past to a deeper level of psychology as he remembers that he put Akiyama's punk ass over in nine minutes last year. Paybacks are hell, so welcome to hell, Exploder boy. Misawa, AMAZINGLY, steals the show by doing about every move but the heartpunch- AH FUKKIT! Misawa could do a Heartpunch and it would look so cool that you'd go, GOLLDURN! He punched him right in the heart! I thought he KILLED him. He got all lucha and shit and then went right into the horror of Misawa deciding to work superstiff. It still ain't saving Akiyama from the lumpy, lumbering force that is the exquisite Akira Taue. GET ALLLLLLL THIS!
 

NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLETT, DADDY! Dynamite Kansai/ Mayumi Ozaki vs Takako
Inoue/ Yomika Hotta- JWP CHAMP FORUM 1/93:
Hangman Tim brought this tape for we wrestling fans to watch after all the civilians had left the brunch. Phil, Phil, and even the diminutive Jennifer were in awe of the ferocity of this match. Hotta and Kansai can't have a bad match and this one is so great, it's like Ozaki and Takako are wrestling ring girls for the main event: Kansai and Hotta beating the fuck out of each. Kansai's face swells up a WHOLE BUNCH. Jiminy Crickets! You want all of this.

Whomping Ass at Number Two- the super raw sounds of Milwaukee Mossman/ Kenta Kobashi vs Hayabusa/ Shinzaki from the 9/28/97 FMW Kawasaki Stadium extravaganza.-The hh quality is nosebleed but it still whips large wads of ass. Kobashi is super dynamic and Milwaukee gets in more offense than was originally reported as he kicks the homeboys five ways to Tuesday. Hayabusa is electric and shit in this baby. But Kobashi kills the hell out of him anyway.

Clocking in at number three: Masato Tanaka vs The Gladiator- 9/28/97 Kawasaki Stadium- Phil doesn't dig this match but I can't figure out why. Sure the table spots were too long setting up, but they killed each other enough before each spot to justify it- ALMOST. Plus they looked real cool. Tanaka hit all his cool spots and the Gladiator is still the best lummox in wrestling- hitting the world's lumpiest plancha on earth. Masato is great, but this match was just really good. To me.

HOLDING STEADY AT NUMBER FOUR-Yamamiya vs Ito- Pancrase on 12/6, taped 11/16 from Kobe- Ito is the red haired guy with PUNK on his boots. He gets his ass  kicked by Yamamiya, but he has those....boots. He misses with the JFA Rolling Crumbsuckers Kneebar.

The Double-sided single with a bullett: Dick Togo/ Men's Teioh/ Funaki vs Great Sasuke/ Super Delfin/ Gran Hamada AJWTV 12/6 taped from Korakuen Hall: Delfin does a SHOTAY?!? This is what all these matches have become these days- Togo, Teioh, whoever, finding new and exciting ways to complicate Sasuke's knee-surgery. Still pretty beautiful though.

Takahashi/ Nakanishi vs Toyota/ EMI GODDANG MOTOKAWA, DADDY! AJWTV 12/6 taped from Korakuen Hall: This was better than it should have EVER been. Toyota and Emi get all whimsical and shit but it doesn't get annoying. Momoe Nakanishi turns in another big league performance as she is becoming quite the highflyer. Emi gets REAL weird at one point, doing these psycho/COPS-worthy redneck screams. Toyota is graceful and beautiful as ever. EMI~! goddamit!

@#@#@#@# THE INFERNAL CUT-OUT BIN #$#$#$#$#$
(The first is first, the rest in no-particular order.)

Battle Royal FMW 9/28/97 Kawasaki Stadium
BOY! Did this suck. Alexander Otsuka was in this and he did nothing. Yep. The most pathetic thing I ever Seed: an overweight Japanese guy in Zubas doing a Sandman gimmick. He couldn't even chug convincingly. So DEEPLY not good. Nope.

Miss Mongol/ Crusher vs Miwa Sato/ Kaori Nakayama- 9/28/97 Kawasaki Stadium
BOY! The Maddog Military is starting to close in on the Dungeon of Doom as stable to produce the largest amount of Collossal Suck-Ass matches. Nakayama is cute as hell and Miwa Sato doesn't suck but they are in with a force of shittiness that WILL NOT BE DENIED.

Hokuto vs Wakizawa AJW 12/6/97
Why bring the youngsters from IWA in if your just gonna have Hokuto kill them in two minutes. Hell, put Akira in a real match and put Wakizawa against an AJW rookie. Either way, don't televise THIS match.

Ultimo Dragon vs Tsubasa
EMLL International Gran Prix 1997- Ya know, ya trade for a tape for a match in particular, and I saw stoked about this match especially and then it turns out to be shorter than the Tsubasa/Konan squash. Welcome to Lucha Hell.

Aja Kong vs Shark Tsuchiya 9/28/97 Kawasaki Stadium
Everything you could POSSIBLY hate about Shark Tsuchiya is unfurled in all its glory in this Runaway Barge of Shit. Aja does no wrestling because they start the run-ins right when the bell rings. Tsuchiya does nothing in this match and Aja is kept from doing anything because it would expose what a no-working load of feces Tsuchiya is. More horrible than you could possibly imagine.

NEXT WEEK: BRUISER BRODY. ABDULLAH the BUTCHER. PUERTO RICO. Figure it out.

CHRIS JERICHO HAD ME EATING OUT OF HIS HAND~!
- Dean Rasmussen, Juventudiac!

"I got my head above the water. Now the sky is falling on me."
- TRANSLATOR. World's Greatest Band.