Welcome to the Death Valley Driver Video Review!

Dean has gone review crazy - the workrate reports stimulate his brain. Since I have run out of arachnids to mock, my duties are to just fill in the gaps to give your eyes a rest from all the masturbation jokes. Might be just two of us, but there is plenty to talk about.

OSAKA PRO BATTLESTATION (1/30/2002)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
TSUBASA/BLACK BUFFALO/FRANCOISE vs. TAKEHIRO MURAHAMA/TAKASHI TACHIBANA
They have this skinny valet accompanying Black Buffalo and her name is Francoise. Sure, she sure has big boobies but the lack of junk in the trunk isn't gonna make you forget true Summoners Of The Spurt Induction Hour: KAORU and RIOT (I found my old WOW tapes looking for an old Simpsons episode).  The biggest mystery to me is that I can't figure out how Black Buffalo got so good- because he was quite the Guy In The Main Event Because He Owned The Promotion when wrestling in the bowels of shitty Japanese Indie heavyweight wrestling -  IWA Japan.  I think the mask has taken over his soul and tells him how to be cool - SORT OF LIKE THE CHIP IN THE BASE OF MY SKULL FORCES ME TO MASTURBATE!!!  Or it could also be that Murahama is a thousand times better than Kishin Kawabata and Viking Taniguchi, so maybe he has adapted to the quality of his opponent.  His partner- Tsubasa looks real good on this tape- as he and Black Buffalo look ACTUALLY HEEL-LIKE versus Pocket Shooter Murahama and Budding Future Shunme Matsuzaki - young Takashi Tachibana.  Tsubasa is all nifty but also dicklike in a nice transition from bland technico to effective rudo. Black Buffalo sells really well and all of his offense looks big and powerful.  Francoise is surely missing a hinder and all - but she has these really big milk wagons to accompany the look of being a keyboard player in a J-Pop band, so Tachibana selling her offense probably had more to do with a young man getting to touch her boobies briefly than some selfless act of getting her over as some kind of threat. Tachibana sells the toprope headscissors to set-up a giant lariat by Black Buffalo.  Tachibana almost has the Tommy Dreamer/Beaulah '96 moment when he spears the fudge out of Buffalo and shoulderblocks Tsubasa off the apron - facilitating the comically neato butt bump off the apron by Tsubz.  He has Francoise in the corner and grabs her hair - but since this isn't shithead Japanese version of ECW idiot mutant shitheads at ringside who would want nothing less full bukkake humiliation before the death valley bomb though the five burning tables, Francoise does the full effect Fuerza uppercut to the lil Tachibanas to set up the Black Buffalo Driver.  This is a fun little heel stable.

EBESSAN vs. KUSHINBO KAMEN
Then it's CLOWN versus CLOWN for the Emmitt Kelly Memorial belt or something - as Kushinbo Kamen with the big glasses and giant head takes on Ebessan with the big ears, moustache and giant head.  They do the Kendo Comedy Stall to start off as they gauge who in the crowd loves which clown most.  I like Kushinbo Kamen because Akinori Tsukioka will dive off balconies into a pile of chairs when not in clown gimmick.  Ebbessan is a fine straight wresler in his own right as Kikuzawa but come on - balconies, chairs, the relief of not having to do it anymore because you can get over wearing really big glasses on your mask in a quasioffensive Chinese stereotype gimmick. Here, there are lotsa comedy spots that are lost on my mid-30s loss of merriment and wonder so I cruise through the match until Kamen does the Asai Moonsault and the Quebrada.  Then it becomes perfectly acceptable indie puroresu. Ebessan does the nice Powerdriver on the way to being a fine rudo to the high-flying technicosity of Kushinbo Kamen. The triple foule spot where even the ref's lil fellas get busted up is the innovation that we need in our own comedy matches here in the States. It's the comedy match version of TRIPLE JUICE~! Clowns winning with a picture perfect Skytwister Press says to me "WELCOME TO OSAKA, MOTHERFUCKER."  Postmatch, Kushinbo Kamen is gracious in victory and there is the clown version of the Indie Hug.

TIGER'S MASK/SHUWA vs. SUPER DEMEKIN/KENGO TAKAI
I love Tiger's Mask - as he is quite the TM4 Lite. He's all fun and peppy and stuff- as all his high-flying looks super sharp.  He's got a Baseball-Player-As-Tiger Mask gimmick and the WIND UP GOING INTO THE STRETCH FOR THE KNIFE-EDGE CHOP IS TO DIE FOR!   The baseball slide into the face speaks for itself in the effective use of gimmick in offense. Super Demekin is the most underrated of these guys - as his Ultimo Guererro knock-off looks are matched by his cool use of athleticism to both fly and have a burly offense. Kengo is pudging out.  But aren't we all.  He is fine as a rudo taking the Shuwa's headscissors.  Shuwa is in need of a goofy Osaka Pro gimmick. Demekin's Frog Splash is fabulous.  This match was a really fun example of the lucharesu that MP useta bring every time out. It is clipped all to fuck for my and your immense irritation.

AZUMI HYUGA vs. POLICEWOMAN
Azumi Hyuga stars in some highlights versus Policewoman - as the JWP title is being defended here. If they showed the whole match, I'm thinking that I could figure out who Policewoman is.  Whoever she is, she takes the Locomotion German Suplexes with verve. Azumi is wearing the Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive" Commemorative shiny disco pants with shiny lighting bolt loincloth to add to your pathetic self-love pleasure.  It may have been complete pants in the beginning but everything got clipped in this match. Azumi wins and they rush to highlights of DAIO QUALLT~!

AZTECA/MIRACLE MAN vs. M-G-MA/DAIO QUALLT
Azteca and Miracle Man are quite the indie version of the Ding Dongs so it is pretty funny that they go like 90 minutes with QUALLLT~! and  BIG BOSS M-G-M~!  BBMGM has lava-based mask and he looks like HE could have possibly been Giant Watermelon Head in Zipang. QUALLLLT has the "Edward Scissorhand's normal-handed younger brother" look going for him that all the Osaka Goth girls dig, so who can argue.  Azteca and Miracle Man have the Worst Belts In The History Of Shitty Belts and have the fabulously  MOTHERFUCKING GREAT half masks!  It's like Barney Fife and Screech teamed up and tried to look like the Fusion Luganeros.  No, it's like if Cruel Connection #1 and Thunderfoot #2 started tagging together and wanted to show their unity by sewing their masks together. Miracle Man has the roll of pudge that says, "I drive a forklift during the week and hardly have time for Linda and dogs, so I don't get to work out as much I would want to".  Miracle Man is an existential figure. An existential figure that assumes the roll of Ricky Morton in this Conquistadores-get-an-odd-push-replacing-the-Rock-and-Roll-Express-versus-the-Mod-Squad-level match.  Azteca is kinda like Bullet Bob Armstrong TODAY.  I await the Big Boss M-G-M vs Azteca mascara-countra-mascara KARATE CHALLENGE! But Fuck the police, Azteca does the swank and sloppy fat ass tope that  says, "You can all suck my double-half masked dick!"  Miracle Man does the Worst Sunset Flip Off the Top Turnbucle Ever- but then saves his own bacon  with the Super Indie Scum Shiryu Tope as the pudge goes a flyin'.  BBMGM  takes a fabulous bump to set up the Endless Stream Of Shitty Indie Offense by MM and Azteca- complete with Falcon Arrow for those who fondly remember  1997 when it was new and exciting. QUALLLLLLT and BBMGM bring their own  brand of offense- including the BBMGM fatboy Mo-level Moonsault. They bend an unbreakable well-made Japanese table with Miracle Man's back so they  start beating the fudge out of Gramps Azteca.  It's Big Boss M-G-M with the  Dragon Suplex for the win and a part of Kageki Pro's illustrious history  dies as the Belts From The Trophy Shop Titles are lost to the rival Osaka  Pro promotion.  If you love really fun but really crappy Japanese indie wrestling- and sweet God allmighty you fucking know that I do- this is  exactly ONE BILLION STARS.

SUPER DELFIN vs. GAMMA
Delfin is ever the one for a flamboyant entrance. Gamma is Chono-ized in his demeanor and is... questionable in his ringstylings.  He gets the heelheat though and that's something. Gamma spits early and Delfin makes with the Bobby Eaton punches that will get him everywhere with me.  They fuck up a cross body block early but Delfin reels him in and goes all lucha- sending Gamma to the outside to get his shit together.  Gamma hits the Enzuiguiri for a transition to offense and they brawl on the overly pink stage area.  They make it back to the watermelon motiff ring where Gamma continues his punch-heavy barrage.  His stiff dropkick to the corner is nice but his knife-edge chops are sorely wanting.  Gamma does a really long wad of offense and finishes it with a ref bump to facilitate Gamma hanging Super Delfin over the toprope with a chain - as Tsubasa and Black Buffalo do the double dropkick on this erstwhile Dr. Tom Pritchard in Alabama.  Then they bust up Delfin's leg with chairs and it becomes the focus of the match. Gamma hits a myriad of leglocky, knee-bashing moves and does a good job of using the bad leg to cut off Delfin's comebacks. Delfin sells the wrenching of his spindly legs like a champ and gets the crowd to love him and hate Gamma. Gamma hits a bunch of lowgrade finishers on Delfin that are kicked out of, but Delfin finally gets a comeback with a counter roll-up and gets the flashpin with a German into a Tioger Suplex.  I really hated this match the first time I watched it a few months ago during the last beloved DVDVR 500 period, but I appreciate both Delfin's selling carrying the match and Gamma being an effective heel far more the second time around- though Gamma's horrendous selling will never get him too high on my list. This wasn't a great match- but it's a good, smart batch of Professional Wrestling. Delfin is fucking great.

I wish the Tiger's Mask match wasn't clipped but you want this here tape.

NEW JAPAN/ALL JAPAN/WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION WRESTLING SUMMIT (4/13/1990) - PART ONE
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
A fella on the Smarks board was asking if this was any good and it was then that I realized that I had this tape.  I then realized that I've had this tape for five years now.  I THEN realized that I've had this tape for five years and have never watched it.  My! what a great excuse to watch a tape I would never watch for any other reason.  My matchlist is even completely fucked because this tape doesn't actually have half the undercard on it- including Tiger Mask vs Bret Hart.

JUMBO TSURUTA/HAKU vs. CURT HENNIG/RICK MARTEL
The first thing on it is Curt Hennig and Rick Martel- during the Model era- taking on the immortal and profoundly great Jumbo Tsuruta who is tagging with a very spry -n- highflying Haku.   Haku is fun- making with the dropkicks and the senton.  Henning sells everything all weird like he always has- doing a 360 somersault sell of a double shoulderblock.  Jumbo is in Don't Kill The Unsuspecting Americans mode- which is weird because Henning I could see not being overly acquainted with the Japanese style, but Martel has pretty long history in Japan, I thought.  Martel is all hyper-workrate in this, hitting the elbows and the hiptosses into the supercool standing hurricanrana all at a feverish pace. He goes for it again and Haku drops him face first into the turnbuckle but Henning cuts him off- as this is basically a heat segment on Haku to set up the big pop for Tsuruta getting in.  And they pop like freaks as Tsuruta does the All-American house on fire on Henning and Martel- with full body slams, high back body drops and crazy "I'm So Mad I'm Pulling My Hair" thingy that all Faces Afire do. Haku sends Henning over the top rope with a nasty looking superkick and Jumbo crushes young Martel with a high Knee and a Dangerous Backdrop.  This was fun.  Very peppy, very spritely.  And they show ten replays of the backdrop- including the over head view and it looks pretty fucking nasty from any  angle.

GENICHIRO TENRYU vs. RANDY SAVAGE
God, Randy Savage was 37 when this happened. He is with the Hot In The Aught Two Sherry Martel and he is wrestling the eternal angry angry prick, Genichiro Tenryu so this SHOULD be really great.  Tenryu has the REVOLUTION- LIVE FOR TODAY jacket on and I'm torqued. Macho Man was fucking great by this point and Tenryu is great still today.  Sherry looks hot in a "freaky chick who listened to a lot of Prince in 1990" kinda way- what with  the tight perm mullet and paisley make-up motiff.  Savage is awesome getting the crowd riled up by doing a full Memphis stall after feeling the brunt of Tenryu raising the stiffness level. Tenryu FREAKS OUT and starts beating the shit out of Savage and the crowd explodes as Tenryu is completely fired up.  Tenryu wrestled all over the South in his youth so he knows how to be distracted by Sherry Martel on the apron and allow the heel to get on offense. Savage punches him in the face a few times but Tenryu cuts him off and FUCKING DESTROYS Savage with a lariat. Savage gets a quick kick in before taking the gigantic bump over the toprope straight onto his back on the floor.  Tenryu hits a crossbody off the apron and I'm beginning to wonder why Savage didn't wrestle in Japan more. This fucking rules.  Sherry distracts Tenryu and Savage goes all Memphis on him, slamming his head against the announcers table.  Savage drags Tenryu into the ring and starts his pre-Big Elbow Ritual but Tenryu enzuguiri's back to offense until Savage hits a nice clothesline to transition back to Big O. Then he slaps the ref around before a two-count.  Savage hits another really nice lariat and Savage starts stomping on Tenryu's head under the ropes.  Savage reminds us why he was one of the coolest wrestlers to ever wrestle by hitting the SUPER FATASS Top Turnbuckle double axe-handle to the floor and Tenryu sells it like he has been hit by a Peterbilt haulin' hogs.  Savage crushes him with a DiBiase-level Elbow Smash and I am freaking out.  Savage stays in Memphis mode and kicks him in the head and punches him in the face on the wrong side of the guardrail.  Savage hits a toprope Double Axe-handle and signals that it's time for the Big Elbow- and he crushes him with it for two.  Tenryu counters a toprope crossbody and tries for the Powerbomb but Savage powers out.  Savage hits a fabulous Steamboat Cross Body Block- but Savage comes up holding his knee. This gives Tenryu time to hit an Enzuguiri and kill Savage with a Stuff Powerbomb. Savage fucking RULED.  Tenryu fucking ruled.  This match was fucking great.

ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. TED DIBIASE
Ultimate Warrior is arguably the worst wrestler of his generation. Ted DiBiase is arguably the best wrestler of his generation.  Which way will it go?  Warrior has the WWF title and is in full-on roid rage, scaring the little announcer guy trapped in the green room with him. DiBiase has the Million Dollar Belt on.  He should have left it on the plane because he's got enough to carry already.  The Japanese crowd freaks out for Warrior and Ted jumps him from behind, hitting him with the belt.  Ted bumps big for Hellwig, making his lariat look good as he flies over the toprope.  They do the "Warrior is Strong" spots and then the "Punches No Hurt Warrior" spots.  Then Ted eats a shoulder after a really long batch of roperunning by both.  Then Ted shoves Warrior on the ground after a Hawk Shoulder Tackle attempt.  Ted then tries to slow it down because Warrior has the cardio of a manatee and is about to die in the ring like everybody else who ever wrestled in World Class. Luckily, this section rules it because Ted hits his fucking awesome Fistdrop to set up his fucking awesome vertical suplex.  Ted hits a Piledriver for two and that seems to nonsensically reenergize Warrior who hits all these lariats and a big splash for the win.  The Warrior really sucked but this the second best match I've ever seen him in.*   Think of it as Ric Flair versus Lex Luger in 1990 and try to think of Luger sucking as much as Warrior.  Actually, don't put yourself through that.  We've already thought about the ring stylings of Jim Hellwig enough today.

DEMOLITION vs. GIANT BABA/ANDRE THE GIANT
Demolition take on Shohei Baba and Andre the Giant and I can't imagine how horrendous this will be.  Smash flails around from the amazing brunt of Baba's comical offense and that's funny.  I will now pepper this with lies to make it funnier.  Pick them out.  Maybe you will win a prize.  (That was your first "TEST" lie.) Andre DOES A MOONSAULT!  Axe chokes Andre a while and then they both beat on Baba awhile.  Baba kisses his anchor tattoo and wriggles out of a headlock.  Axe rips out Andre's hairweave.  Andre- enraged- rips out Axe's hairweave and EATS IT!  Baba and Andre dance like Rerun from WHAT'S HAPP'NIN! before hitting picture perfect stereo dropkicks on Axe and Smash. Enraged, Axe and Smash both attempt to do the Robot, but Baba and Andre- hairless and angry- procure stereo clawholds and it's all over!  Million Jillion Stars.  (Answers at the bottom of page: Andre did a MOONPIE- in the hotel. Reports are that it was very disturbing.  Baba's tatto is actually the Tasmanian Devil penetrating the Roadrunner with the words "Take THAT bitch" in Gothic letters underneath.  They were hair EXTENSIONS.  Axe and Smash did
their famous "Ode To Breakin' 2- Electric Bugaloo"  dance number with personalized graffittied breaking boards from Alfonso.)

HULK HOGAN vs. STAN HANSEN
Hulk Hogan vs. Stan Hansen:  Hogan and Stan take it to the mat.  Stan Hansen doesn't go to the mat with ANYONE so i'm already baffled.  This match is weird.  Hogan keeps taking him to the mat to control Hansen's brawling skills.  Hogan also works superstiff in this to counter Hansen who will beat the fuck out of ANYONE.  Especially to look good in Japan.  Hansen gets posted and Hogan starts working on the spots that's bleeding.   Hogan hits the Old School Back Suplex and I'm loving this match.  Hansen ecapes an Abdominal Stretch but Hogan is digging the fact that you can hit Hansen as hard as you want and he won't even flinch.  Hogan bodyslams a fucking SPEWING BLOOD Hansen through a table at ringside and then posts him again and this match is truly hardcore.  Hogan drags him into the ring and gets a two count and hits a lariat in the corner.  I've never seen Hansen sell this much or seen Hogan work this stiff.  Hansen throws a Stan Hansen-level shoulderblock and decides to beat the shit out of Hogan on the outside and it is a pretty great assbeating as Hansen is fucking crazy- sprawling over tables and chairs to axe-handle Hogan.  Hogan hits a fucking gusher and I'm thinking that Hogan would have been right at home in All Japan in 1979- because this match is quite reminiscent of the All Japan 70s bloodbaths that I've seen.  Stan crushes Hogan's larynyx with his shin and gears up to kill Hogan with a Lariat but Hogan counters with a flying forearm.  Hansen avoids the Legdrop but eats a Crossbody Block by Hogan. Hansen eats a Big Boot and then Hogan hits the best Lariat he has ever unleashed and gets the pin.  Yeah, Hogan could work when he had too.  He was actually a load of fun in Japan.

This and the Tenryu match are really good.  The rest you could live w.. HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?  The undercard is after the uppercard on this tape.

* There is this REALLY weirdly good match between he and Ulf Herman  in 1995 in germany that you would have to see to believe.  Really.)

Big Japan – Samurai TV (1/16/02 aired, 01/02/02 taped)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
We debate in the chat if I am qualified to review this or not. Majority says I am not. Oh well.

Opening video package lays out the matches. This forces the viewer – namely me - to see Justice Pain’s tiny trunks one extra time.

Winger vs. Shadow WX vs. Hidoh
Shadow WX’s Mets jersey makes me wonder when he is going to proclaim that he isn’t gay. Frack. I hate three ways. Winger draws my ire by coming out to N’Sync. EVER GIRL CRAZY ABOUT  A SHARP DRESSED MAN! This isn’t the worst thing to ever pass itself off as wrestling. Winger is knocked out of the way for a portion so it is plays out as a straight singles match. Unluckily, Shadow and Hidoh rely on their usual wandering through the crowd bit. I laugh as Shadow politely moves chairs out of his way while being lead by the hair. Jesus, enough with the crowd brawling. This is so not Road Warrior Hawk vs. Terry Funk in Minnesota. There is this weird moment where Winger and Shadow WX are either trying the world’s longest double clothesline or have decided to follow the yellow brick road. WTF? This match was bad enough that I don’t really think it needed a Jun Kasai run-in. Not good. Not good at all. I rely on the memory of Dean thinking Shadow WX’s names was Shadow VII to get me through the day.

Shunme Matsuzaki/Kamikaze vs. Abby Jr. Kobayashi/Daikokubo Benkei
I have no freaking clue what to expect from this match. I dig Kamikaze (he looks like I might in a few years) but Benkei is so not my friend. I wasn’t as deeply on the Abby Jr. bandwagon as Schneider or Dean was. Personally, I think his work is regressing even more as he is stuck in these tags and 6-mans and he has to look over with the constant remind. “FUCK! I have to team with Benkei. I’m getting paid in cash for this, right?” I am fighting the urge to fast forward. Okay – I am losing that battle. This is quite the pudgy heavyweight battle. Kamikaze is your portly Ricky Morton and Benkei is keeping this on the ground. Benkei does have that nice elbow drop – in my more bitter moments, though, I will credit gravity more than his wrestling ability. Is Matsuzaki even in this match? Tongan Death Grip. Why is Benkei aping Meng? My am I watching this match for a second time? Kamikaze sure is taking his lumps. Hey – flash pin. This isn’t two out of three is it? Please tell me it isn’t. I will give you my first-born. I am Catholic, I will have plenty to spare.

AWESOME! We get the battle of uncomfortable promos. Fantastik cuts his promo in English, which throws him off completely. It also seems to baffle Ito, who stares at his partner wondering what the hell he is talking about. So totally lost, Ito just laughs a bunch and then mentions something about the Briscoes. The Briscoe Brothers though trump them in the bad promo department as Jay cuts a terrible promo where I saw the must have had to put peanut butter on his gums to get him to move his month. Meanwhile, Marc just stares at the screen with that “I like shiny things” look on his face. It is all topped off with Jay needing to fill time by yelling “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” This is what they call unintentional humor.

Fantastik/Ryuji Ito vs. Marc and Jay Brisco
Boy – this isn’t very good. Lots of clipping going on – which might be a good thing. The horror that might have been left on the cutting room floor. Briscoes look very nervous and it shows in the ring. Everything seems a step slow or a step off. Ito is so up there in the fun, pale wrestlers that I like to watch category. Fantastik is in heavy mail it in mode. His old man moonsault… was odd. I can’t get into this match. Briscoes win. Match was 16:43 in length. According to my VCR counter, only six minutes were shown. Make your own judgments.

Justice Pain vs. Jun Kasai
Well, I think we can safely say that some is going to bleed in this. We’re off into the crowd right from the start. I swear that there is this section that is like the worst Diesel/Shawn Micheals crowd brawl ever. These two are throwing laughably bad strikes. I mean unless Pain is going for the “I am going to aim punches at Kasai’s throat and stop two feet short”. Then he is doing a great job. BTW – is it alright for me to criticize workers from New Jersey right? I’m not violating some internet policy am I? Wow! no blood. The one good thing about this match is that it was over in 6 minutes.

Men’s Teioh/Daisuke Sekimoto vs. Ryuji Yamakawa/Kintaro Kanemura – WEW Hardcore Tag Titles
I think the dream is over for the man formerly known as W*ING. It is also very unsettling for him to be wearing that outfit. Tank tops and leather print pants. Did he suddenly start working for a strip club in Southwest? Oh that wacky Yamakawa with the fro and the suit and the disco. This could be fun. What is pissing me off is that Sekimoto is reminding me of someone and I can’t put my finger on it and I have been thinking about it for over a day. It’s never going to come to me. I suck. The thing with Sekimoto is that I like some of the stuff he does (like he throws a great looking clothesline) but then you get very frustrated with other things (like no selling several unprotected broken table shots or no selling a German suplex from Yamakawa). Teoih has finally completely settled back in from his Michinoku Pro days. He had been really inconsistent for a while with giant periods of bad but then he looked fabulous in the 2000 Super J. The selfish me would wish that he would rejoin Togo and company in M. Pro but that ain't going to happen. This match is really really good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Boy, Yamakawa and Kanemura have their issues that make you wonder what the are going to bring to the table each time. Yamakawa is still getting his sea legs back so there are some rough moments. Kanemura has given up his body A LOT for his craft, so he is certainly at the point in time where he is just going to airmail it in. For this match though, everyone is all fired up and wrestling that crazy. Viva La New Year! The match is told in three acts. Act 1 has some fun wrestling with everyone getting in the feel of the match. Back and forth with no real set up, or purpose for that matter. Act 2 is the brawl on the outside, which sets up the one garbagy spot of the match. Kanemura and Yamakawa each do splash through a table off the top turnbuckle. That is a walk in the fucking park compared to some of the things that we have seen take place in a Big Japan ring. Act 3 is the extended – and I mean extended – finishing sequence. Lots of kicking out of stuff that shouldn’t have been kicked out of. I mean Kanemura does a GREAT senton. Sekimoto kicks out. Kanemura immediately does a GREAT Thunder Fire Powerbomb. Sekimoto kicks out. That goes on for a while. The actual finish I enjoyed. Sekimoto goes for a German on Yamakawa, Kanemura, standing on the apron, grabs Yamakawa’s arms to prevent it. Teioh dropkicks Kanemura off the ring apron, thus allowing Sekimoto to get the German with a bridge to get the win.

ALL JAPAN WOMEN PPV (2/24/02) - PART ONE!
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This is BANJO TURBULENCE! I love the Joshi Wrestling.  It's all dramatical and shit.  It's all hidden in the dark underbelly of the world- hidden in secret dojo's where women live with other women in communal buildings- more akin to a women's prison social pseudofamily hierarchy than a sorority house.  It is a singleminded and exclusive.  The style incorporates all other styles of wrestling but it is all filtered through a very feminine veiwpoint.  The motivation is different so the wrestling is different. But it is also different because of business factors.  Joshi is the Negro Baseball League if integration never happened- giant superstars emerge in the climate of a closed society- unseen by the rest of the
world.   It's a very odd world and the wrestling is some of the best the earth has ever produced.  Let's see how the little ladies of Z***O fare in the unrelenting light of history when making this little pay per view.

This starts really well with Kandori and Lioness almost getting into it. Rumi punches old people.  Lioness and Kandori going at it would be quality professional wrestling.  I would watch that.  The announcing panel only has one hipster doofus.  The graphics speak of the Black Joker's turbulence and who am I to argue with this feeling of excitement .

The highlights of TOMOKO motherfucking WATANABE and her feud with Black Joker is super Memphis and makes
me love everyone even more than I already do.  Tamoko- coated in blood- speaks of revenge in highlight form all leading up to this- the night of reckoning.  Nanae Takahashi looks like Mark Hammill in the Big Red One being led into a battle that no one so young should ever see by a Lee Marvin-like Tomoko Watanabe.  The number by Kiss World ruins the moment unless Eagle Sawai does an Ode to Dump Matsumoto and starts carving up folks singing with a pair of
scissors and she doesn't.  The song itself is very 80s in a Banarama/ Hayzee Fantazee/ Nu Wave Kim Wilde meets the latter ungood Missing Persons dance music. Nanae looks like Jimmy Osmond in that get-up and I want to see her break off from these eating-disorder-riddled Japaneurotrash wannabes and start a  Led Zepplin cover band or a brainbusting equivalent of the Runaways. Now that would rule. Instead the Eurotrash English instructor comes out and talks forever and you want Nanae to channel the spirit of Crane Yu and to carve him up with a broken bamboo pole.

SAKI MAEMURA vs. FUMIKO (TOMIKO?) YAMANE
En Lieu,  they go to Fumiko Yamane and Saki Maemura having their FIRST TURBULENCE.  Fumiko has the butch cut and has a little thickness to her.  Maemura looks like she is thirteen- as if a trip to the pool in her pink one piece bathing suit had an odd turn where she is attacked by a pudgy fourteen year old who likes Maemura's boyfriend.  Fumiko yells at her in the voice of the angry love-struck teenage girl and the illusion is complete.  From the wrestling Modernist point of view- this was your basic rookies match.  Fumiko stretched Maemura a lot and they did a lot of armdrags.  From a rookie standpoint, Fumiko has really nice dropkicks.  Maemura's were perfectly fine but less than Fumiko.  Maemura is future Joshi Midnight Choking material so they keep practising the camera close-ups on her muscular thighs and deep wedgy and it's just super creepy.  The ending is odd because Fumiko gets the pin eventhough Maemura's shoulder is obviously up.

KOBINA ISHIKAWA/KAORI YONEYAMA vs. MIYUKI FUJII/MIKA NISHIO
Next up Kobina Ishikawa and cute lil Kaori Yoneyama take on the much maligned Miyuki Fujii and Mika Nishio as the mortal remains of JWP challenge the youth of Z***O.  I'm hoping that Ishikawa wrestles in the big wig but my dreams are dashed against the rocks of reality- but the mask is fucking balls out freaky.  Yoneyami starts off with an adorable plancha and Yoneyama screeches at the crowd to get fired up!  Fujii and Ishikawa take it to the mat and I'm trying to figure out if the super spunky masked lil wonder is more than 4 feet- six.  Yoneyama and Nishio have a fun little sequence on the mat- with Ishikawa hitting the tiniest dropkick to the face while in the camel clutch ever. Yoneyama is neato with the roperunning and roll-ups and they get better when Fujii comes in they start trying to actually tell a story of Fujii being the biggest, oldest and most shootstyle in the match and Yoneyama trying to hit all the pro style stuff to negate Fujii's advantage.  Ishikawa is tagged in she gets the full brunt of Fujii as a double team finally gets Fujii on offense.  ishikawa gets an assist from Yoneyama and cuts off Fujii's comeback and the tiny Ishikawa hits the  funnest looking teeny tiny toprope double stomp you will ever see.  Kobina is the tiny girl biscuits and you just wanna give her a little stuffed bunny or something.   Fujii instead slugs her in the face.  Nishino recieves the Kobino Locomotion Judo Throws.  Nioshino then recieves the Toprope Judo Throw into a cross armbreaker until Fujii makes the save.  Nishino then takes the Kobino Monkey Roll Into A Crossarmbreaker for the tap out!  KOBINO~!  WOO-HOO!

RUMI KAZAMA/EAGLE SAWAI/TAKAKO INOUE vs. TOMOKO WATANABE/NANAE TAKAHASHI/KAYO NOUMI
We finally get to the wrestlers who are old enough to lust after. Of coure I'm talking Takako Inoue and her infamous latenight lummox bludgeoning hotness. I will fight the urge to toast one to young Takako and dig the coolness of her
stable- Black Joker- with Eagle Sawai and Rumi Kazama.  Rumi is good.  Eagle is really hit or miss these a days.  The best part is that they are wrestling the best wrestler in All Japan Women- young Tomoko Watanabe and I am suitably
stoked.  Nanae Takahashi is a good little worker now as is Kayo Noumi but I don't see them bringing the assbeat that Tomoko brings or them bringing the assbeat to make this transcendent- because whatever Rumi shortcomings are-
beating your ass isn't one of them.  Takako is in black leather and is sporting the Pat Benatar haircut to fuel your fantasy of wrestling hot Japanese lezbians naked while Neil Spider Geraldo makes with the hot guitar solo.  HAVE AT IT,
young man!  Nobody is looking!   They kinda start but Tomoko hops on the stick. Takako calls her a fat bitch or something and IT IS ON!  AND IT FUCKING RULES! as Tomoko and Takako take it to the hallway.  Takako thens stars beating the fuck out of Noumi and they then kinda opt to all get in the ring and  make it a normal tag match.  The story early is that the older full figured gals of LLPW are going to beat the Slimfast and Sweet N Lo out of the girl with the biggest eating disorder- thus Noumi gets her ass beaten into the ground.  She gets saved by a triple dropkick and they keep teasing Takako vs Tomoko but Nanae takes an assbeating from Eagle first.  Rumi kicks her in the throat until Nanae gets in a backbreaker and tags in TOMOKO.  Tomoko misses a splash so Rumi has the advantage, Jumping kicks her to the head and  tags in the hated Takako who makes with a DDT and some running kicks to the head.  The third shot at and Tomoko counters with a Dragon Screw into a Figure Four with Nanae and Noumi doing creative dives off the toprope as Takako is being Figure Foured.  Eagle makes the save and Tomoko is pissed.  She throws Takako over to get a piece of Eagle's fat ass, but Rumi comes in instead and Eagle blindsides Tomoko and they double team her.  Tomoko and Rumi go back at it and Tomoko gets enough advantage to tag out to Noumi who is Instant  Whipping Girl Again- as her hope spot against Eagle is met with rotund Ruebenesque Squashy hate from Eagle.  Then Takako starts
beating the shit out of her.  Noumi and Takako have a awkward sequence until Takako decides that kicking the fuck out of her is better than trying to pull off all of her roll-ups.  nanae comes and because a thicker whipping girl for Takako until Noumi grabs Takako at the toprope and sets up Nanae's Superpex for two.  Nanae misses an Avalanche and Rumi and Takako take turns kicking her in the face until Eagle slaughters her in the corner.  Nanae ducks a Urican and Noumi distracts Takako with her comically bad offense long enough for nanae to hit a lariat for two.  Takako kicks Nanae in the head and Rumi and Eagle tear Nanae a new one unitl TOMOKO SEZ: "FUCK THE BULLSHIT. LET THE ASSBEATING BEGIN."  Eagle responds to Tomoko's save by REALLY using her fat for EVIL.  Nanae SOMEHOW
hoists the enormous ass of Eagle's pff the ground and hits a Dangerous Backdrop and finally tags in Tomoko- who wants to kill Eagle Sawai.  Noumi hits a random plancha and Nana hits the sideways dive through the ropes but crushes Noumi and Tomoko with her girth.  Eagle starts throwing hunks of the railing onto Tomoko and it's ON LIKE NECKBONE!  They tie up Nanae to the turnbuckle as Tomoko is getting posted by Eagle- and Tomoko is like El hijo Del Santo in honoring the rule of the business where Posting = Blood.  Takako crushes Noumi's head into a table and it's not looking good Tomoko who is tearing it upo with Eagle in the ring.  Noumi makes the save for the triple teamed Tomoko with some of the shittiest Germans you will egver see.  NANAE ESCAPES! and saves Tomoko from the Big Bertha Stuff Powerbomb by Eagle at two.  Nanae goes apeshit as Noumi hits the improbable Wrist Clutch Suplex on the heavily assisting Eagle.  Nanae hits the SUPERNASTY Blind Toprope Back Elbow onto a prone Eagle and Tomoko Give the
old lady of LLPW the Screwdriver but BJ makes the save, Tomoko hits ANOTHER for two and is ready for another but Takako storms in with a tazer as this becomes a bad episode of Nitro.  Eagle hits two Fat Ass Powerbombs to put Tomoko away and THAT leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  Tazers?  Give me a fucking break.  Other than that Eagle was fucking great in this.  Tomoko was great.  Noumi needs to not be in matches where she has to look credible against brawlers.  Nanae looked fine.  Booking sucked dick.  Yes it did.  Sucked a big dick.  Sucked Dick.  Dick sucked.  Booking. TO BE CONTINUED.

ECW TV (late 1994 – early 1995)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
Memorial Day – I wake up a little before 7 am, which is, unfortunately, sleeping in for me. I have dedicated this day to finishing my reviews for this issue. Regretting the Hooch Ice (the bizarre shit that you can find on the Northern VA supermarket shelves on a Sunday night) that I had at about midnight. I have decided to do a running diary that all them kids are talking about nowadays.

7:06 am – I see the news story about the two day death fest that was known as the HFS Festival at RFK (two day concert that left several injured including a few in critical condition due to either falling from the third deck or being caught in a stampede). This doesn’t surprise me at all, as I was at the Tibetan Freedom Concert a few years ago where the woman was struck by lighting. Bad things happen at RFK.

7:11 am - I am trying to decide if the female member of Trick Pony is attractive or not. I am leaning toward attractive but after a night of watching Tijuana Spring Break Handhelds, my standards are really low. There are many an ugly girl on Spring Break sticking lollipops up their pussy’s.

7:21 am – Hank Williams Jr. is hosting GAC’s Country countdown of the week. Hank’s hideous mug is enough to drive me to watch whatever is in the VCR and review it.

7:29 am – Plan A fails as one VCR has the Big Japan that I already reviewed in it and the other one doesn’t have a tape. Maybe I should go back to bed.

7:38 am – I settle on this ECW because it is about a simple as you can get when you want to polish a review off. TOMATO CAN OF THE WEEK!

7:41 am – The thought that this might have been reviewed already crosses my mind. I decide to wager on it being either a Rasmussen sums up 20 hours of wrestling with the line “NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST~!” or a Schneider three line special.

7:43 am – The tape actually started a few minutes ago, I am still sitting through the ECW Christmas Video Package which is set to Little Drummer Boy which is my favorite carol but this version is getting mutilated by Michael Bolton.

7:45 am – First opening montage of the tape. Might be the only one I watch. JT Smith still gets broken in half by Mike Awesome’s tope.

7:46 am – I fast forward through Santa getting chokeslamed by 911. Oh boy, this is a 911 period. I already want to shoot myself.

PITBULLS vs. 911
7:48 am – This is a question for the ages: Who is the worker in this train wreck? It’s a 911 match – that means the chokeslam is teased… and teased… and teased. Hey, 911 is winded. I don’t think that is a work.

7:51 am – Oh Jesus – the Rotten Brothers appear. Amazingly, they manage to not use any derogatory terms before getting punked out by the Pitbulls. Someone’s drunk. Maybe it should be me.

7:53 am – We have our first Fred McGriff sighting

TOMMY CAIRO/SANDMAN vs. CACTUS JACK/TOMMY DREAMER
7:57 am - What the fuck is up with the floral pattern running down the side of Jack’s pants? How did I never notice that before? Cairo is the odd man in this match “Hey your pudgy, balding and named Tommy. Get in there.”

7: 59 am - HAHAHAHAHA – Tommy Dreamer does the most ill-advised of ill-advised top con hilos as he waits for no one to catch and suddenly flies into the screen and torches his back. And people wonder why he is such a broken wreck. This match is terrible and you know it is because it has even managed to kill the ECW crowd who would normally be rabidly into three of the guys in this match.

8:02 am – This brawl as broken into a tag match. Perhaps, this is going to take awhile. I finally fast forward. Canning women. Yup, going to fast forward.

8:05 am – A new week has started and in typical ECW fashion, they replay 762 hours of footage from last week. Rotten brothers still haven’t uttered any racial slurs.

8:07 am – Pitbulls cut a promo. The camera swings wildly about. If you seen one ECW promos, you have seen them. I constantly await a star whip so it can be revealed that all of these were actually edited by Homer Simpson.

JT SMITH vs. STEVIE THE BODY
8:10 am – Stevie Richards tries out gimmick #4591. Still has the tiny pants that make the girls squirm. I kinda like JT Smith – sold Dean his cable – but I do not get a good feeling about this match.

8:12 am – Crowd chants “We Want Blood” and then chants “Boring” when they don’t get it. I hate Philadelphia.

8:14 am – Joey Styles calls a Tiger Bomb a “modified power bomb”. You can’t make this stuff up.

“Extreme Warfare” Battle Royal
8:18 am – This is a Royal Rumble style battle royal and it starts with Chad Austin on the mic. Isn’t it funny that the entire locker room emptied to beat him up? Yeah – I am sure that Tommy Dreamer and Cactus Jack were that outraged. “Chad who?” Where the fuck is New Jack when you need him?

8:21 am – Styles announces that this is come as your our. Many of you are probably thinking the same thing I am – So? Styles also creeps me out by saying that the Public Enemy “loves the 2 on 1 situation”.

8:22 am – Comes down to Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko vs. Ron Simmons. Simmons eliminates both so the shooters decide to separate his shoulder. That 20 seconds was fine – too bad they had to show all the other highlights of the match.

8:26 am – WAIT A SECOND!!!! That was a Tom Emanski commercial that Fred McGriff isn’t in. I didn’t know those existed. I need to sit down. My whole world is coming apart at the seams.

8:29 am – Paul E. Dangerously states Sabu “the most gifted athlete ever” and Taz means wrestling. There are so many jokes waiting to be written but I am still stunned by the whole Fred McGriff – missing in action – to comment.

RAY ODYSSEY vs. DEAN MALENKO – ECW TV Title
8:31 am – Ray Odyssey? Surfer Ray Odyssey? SURFER RAY FUCKING ODYSSEY??? This tape gets weirder and weirder. And will someone explain to me why bragging about not padding the floors is a good thing? Stupid Bill Watts.

8:34 am – Was this match edited by Kevin Nash? It shows all the Odyssey offense and then Malenko applying the Cloverleaf for the win. Baffling.

HACK MYERS VS. CHRIS BENOIT
8:38 am – Myers gets squashed. Thankfully, he can sell his beatings. I still never got the whole Myers phenomenom but I don’t get a lot of things. He through nice punches. And he…. Well he threw nice punches. Benoit dumps him on his head to stretcher Mr. Myers out.

8:42 am – Malenko jumps Myers. Benoit calls out Sabu. Sabu and Taz take their lumps from Benoit/Malenko and Public Enemy. Locker room empties. Joey emotes like this is the greatest thing a wrestling company has ever done.

8:43 am – Show #2 end with a tribute to Art Barr.

8:45 am – Tape suddenly cuts back to the MSG feed and MSG Sportsdesk. I am teased with getting to see the ECAC Holiday Festival. I get misty. I feel like I am home. Adonal FOYLE~!

8:43 am – Hour #3 begins with a Jason interview and DVDVR law requires me to talk about spectacular mullet that he has.

PITBULLS/JASON THE TERRIBLE vs. HACK MYERS/YOUNG DRAGONS
8:50 am – I am sure someone can tell me who where under the Young Dragons’ mask but I don’t care that much. And yes, that is THE Jason the Terrible. (And by just saying that I let you wonder which version I am talking about.)

8:52 am – Seeing this match before, allows me to remember that it isn’t good and that I can keep on trucking. EXTREME FAST FORWARDING~! What is funny is that while Jason cuts another promo – Hack Myers beats up the Young Dragons with one of them losing their masks. Was that B. Brian Blair?

8:55 am – The segment finally ends. I feel woozy.

9:30 am – I took a break to walk the dog and have some breakfast. I figured that watching ECW was like preparing for a night of drinking. Better get some food into the system unless you want to get sick.

9:40 am – Paul Pierce allowed me to wear my Basketball Jersey as I kneeled down before. This is the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. I was giddy. I reached for his zipper and started to pull it down…. Sorry wrong running diary.

TOMMY DREAMER vs. STEVIE RICHARDS
9:43 am – Styles says that Dreamer has just returned from a tour of Japan. Could he have been wrestling Akira Taue? Could Dean have written a ridiculous review?

9:44 am – Richards has a the early advantage and rips Dreamer’s shirt off. We all lose the will to live. Dreamer responds with an arm ringer and a neck breaker. He is the pastiest Joe Malenko ever.

9:47 am – This isn’t wretched or anything. Richards and Dreamer alternate between brawling and doing some simple wrestling. Since Dreamer wasn’t a busted shell at the moment, he busts out some decent offense. There is a neat jumping DDT and a ½ decent Frog Splash. And since he ain’t wearing the day-glow suspenders, I got no problem with Dreamer in this match.

9:50 am – We start sowing the seeds of the Raven/Dreamer feud. Raven interferes some to help Richards stay on offense. Plus they stare at each other a bunch. Dreamer wins with a low blow and a roll up. More staring and teasing.

“The Giant” PAUL LAURIA vs. MIKEY WHIPWRECK
9:53 am – I know that Schneider and I have had the same conversation a couple of times. It always starts with “Hey, I kinda liked Paul Lauria” then we try and remember what happened to him since he seemed to fall off the face of the Earth. Then we remember that he has – or at least had – a wrestling school somewhere. It amuses us.

9:55 am – After the early comedy spots – Lauria gets tossed into the crowd, crowd tosses him back – we get to the wrestling. Lauria does this neat armdrag into an armbar that I am surprised more people haven’t stolen. Mikey does some of his awkward spots like the head scissors with his knee pads. Whipwreck of course makes up for it by trying to cripple himself on a pescada to nowhere.

10:00 am – Boy, that chair shot sure didn’t look protected. Nope, sure wasn’t as Whipwreck is bleeding like a madman from his bottom lip.

10:01 am – The major flaw in this match is the fact that both guys need to rely on low blows as their transitions. There must have been at least four so far.

10:03 am – Lauria decides that the best way to take the top rope bulldog is to land on his shoulder and side. That sure didn’t look right. Jason stops the count which gets him decked and then Mikey wins with a backslide. That was odd.

AXL ROTTEN vs. IAN ROTTEN
10:05 am – Ian doesn’t insult gays and Axl doesn’t insult Jews on the way to the ring. I think these are pod people.

10:06 am – So very not good but this EXTREME~! Because Ian bleeds a bunch. Close your eyes. Write your own review. Live my nightmare.

CHRIS BENOIT vs. AL SNOW
10:07 am – This is the exact reason I got this tape because I had this match– which might have been my #1 match on my ECW ballot (it was either this or the Scorpio/Sabu match)   - nowhere on tape. It needed to be review and I am torqued. I will watch the whole thing and get back to you.

10:20 am – Boy, I really love this match. This by far and away the best non-barn Al Snow match. It starts all intense and brutal (well, and stays that way but still). Benoit begins with the chops and Snow counters with these great looking lefts and I silently complain some more that they don’t show more of Al wasting the Tough Enough kids. Benoit takes over and murderlizes Snow – who gets faint flurries of roll ups or punches that fail to swing the offense back in his favor. Benoit is super dick as he methodically destroys Snow. He also does the things I love like the dickish kicks to the head and the taunting. “COME ON SNOW! SHOWING WHAT YOU’RE MADE OF!” and “IS THIS THE BEST THE US HAS TO OFFER!” Snow is great at selling he also has a sense of perfect timing as he always knows when to roll the shoulder to avoid the three count as to add to the tension but do not kill the illusion that he is getting destroyed. Benoit gets frustrated as he hasn’t put away Snow with a couple of Germans or the diving headbutt or the powerbomb. He lets his concentration slip and Snow gets back into the match with a Snowplex out of nowhere and that is the point where the match turns into a suplex contest. Snow gets some revenge for the earlier German suplexes by giving Benoit the awesome release German. Thankfully, neither man starts popping up after any of the suplexes. Benoit is able to get one final German with a bridge to get the win. You should all watch this. And watch it in mute so you don’t have to listen to Styles making absurd statements like “there was more wrestling in five minutes than any PPV in the last 5 years”.

10:44 am – Oh boy – the Family Feud with Louie Anderson. That teaches me to stop the tape.

10:51 – I got distracted by SportsCenter and became nappy so I am calling it a review.

ALL JAPAN WOMEN PPV (2/24/2002) - PART TWO
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
MOMOE NAKANISHI vs. KUMIKO MAEKAWA
So anyway, they recap all the feuds of the last three matches which is nice of them. Momoe Nakanishi comes out in wearing a ski vest for some reason (these kids and those crazy clothes they wear!) and she is flanked by Fujii.  Kumiko
Maekawa's theme music is basic pseudo-Brian May guitar orchestrations which is one of my favorite things that links all Puroresu together.  Momoe is all bouncy and intense.  Maekawa is all druidlike in her sparkly robe.  This starts off like a 1997 New Japan Juniors match- with a lot of rope-running and few big highspots sprinkled in- as Momoe hits an Orihara Moonsault and Maekawa kicks Nakanishi in the head a few times.  Then they do some matwork that leaves no ordinance for selling later- and for such a shootstyle gal- Maekawa won't make you forget Negro Navarro or anything.  Momoe thwarts her  Boston Crab attempts so she kicks her really hard a few times and the match picks up.   Momoe counters being pushed into the corner by Maekawa's long legs by falling over the toprope into a kneebar- a neat variation on
Nagashima's corner countering Crossarmbreaker, and they hit the floor for some tepid brawling.  They get back into the ring at stalemate and fear of ANOTHER bad match of them going BROADWAY~! is starting to scare me until I
remember that I had heard how long this goes.  Momoe goes into a Camel Clutch and more random matwork abounds leading up to Maekawa kicking Momoe in the head to wake the crowd up.  Maekawa procures her Boston Crab and struggles for the ropes until Maekawa drags her to the center of the ring and switches to a half crab that Momoe struggles through for a while until hitting the ropes.  Maekawa kicks Momoe in the head a while afterwards and sinks in the
Boston Crab again.  Redoing the heatless submission spot twice is actually good in this match if it makes the nearfalls less endless and mind-numbing-  but it's not like it adds to the psychology of the match.  Momoe gets a  nearfall after hitting the ropes.  Maekawa's magnificent selling makes  Momoe's series of elbows look like total dogshit and Maekawa starts kicking  Momoe in the back.  Maekawa powerslams Momoe, kicks her in the back a few  times and starts back with the Boston Crab.  Momoe hits the ropes and Maekawa  elbow drops her across the back.  Maekawa goes for the Superplex and gets a  two count.  Momoe hits a hope spot with a dropkick to the back of the head  and is still selling the back when Maekawa hits a jumping front kick to send  Momoe through the ropes and they do the brawling they did before- with  Maekawa sending Momoe into the rails on her bad back.  Momoe does a jumping  elbow off the railing and German Suplexes Maekawa on the floor. Maekawa sells  it for a few seconds and hits an axe kick.  Momoe is still selling the back sorta as she counter out of being Irish Whipped.  She hits a German and we're  back on the mat.   Maekawa keeps cutting her off after two offensive moves,  answering each with a kick to the head.  Momoe hits her Moonsault Into A  German and comes up with her mouth bleeding.  Maekawa effortlessly powers out  of her leglock and then gets ropebreak on a Figure Four.  Momoe does big  buttdrops on Maekawa's leg and it is mirroring Maekawa's work on Momoe's  back.  The second Figure Four by Momoe has Maekawa actually selling  effectively.  Momoe keeps working on the leg until she gets kicked in the  stomach after going off the toprope.  Nakanishi hits a big Plancha to stay on  offense and then they follow up a Missile Dropkick with some roll-ups.  At  this point, Momoe isn't selling the back and Maekawa isn't selling the leg.   They then go into a bunch of nearfalls- with Maekawa kicking her in the head  and Momoe countering a kick into a rollup ad nauseum.  Maekawa hits big  powermoves and  Momoe responds by sprinting into the corner and moonsaulting  into a roll-up until Maekawa kicks her in the head again.  Momoe breaks up  the nearfalls with an ankle lock and Maekawa makes the ropes.  Momoe  dropkicks her knee in the corner and then rolls into a kneebar until Maekawa   reverses it.  Momoe headbutts her way out and dropkicks Maekawa in the face.   Maekawa gets another kneebar and Momoe hits the ropes.  Maekawa kicks her in  the face as Momoe tries to send into the ropes.  Momoe gets sent into the  ropes and rolls into a kneebar.  Maekawa makes the ropes and hits the floor.   Momoe dropkicks her jumping from the apron and goes for a Plancha but Maekawa  kicks her in the face, blows the mist and they are back in the ring.  Momoe  responds with Locomotion German Suplexes.  Maekawa counter's momoe's roll-up
and gets two.  Momoe hits her World's Gentlest Dragon but can't hold the  bridge.  Maekawa kicks her in the head a lot.    They do a bunch of nearfalls  until Momoe finally gets the pin.  God, this sucked.  This was like four  seperate matches.  You had the first match where Maekawa works on Momoe's  back for ten minutes.  Then that's over.  Then they have the match where  Momoe's works on Maekawa's leg for ten minutes.  Then that's over.  They  might as well have Tazz and Micheal Cole come out and introduce them again-  as it is then both of them acting as if the previous twenty minutes didn't  exist as they have a rousing 5 minutes of nearfalls for the WWE Cruiserweight Title TONIGHT ON SMACKDOWN!  Then they have some half-assed submissions to kill four minutes and they tape the five minute rematch for VELOCITY!  It makes sense that this ends with a bunch of attempts at flashpins since NOTHING in the body of the match means anything of consequence or is sold as inflicting any amount damage whatsoever.  I look on the bright side and can say that at least it wasn't an hour of this shit this time.  Thank you.

SHINOBU KANDORI/YUMIKO HOTTA vs. ETSUKO MITA/MIMA SHIMODA
Yumiko Hotta is a shell of her former self.  Shinobu Kandori you never see anywhere these days so she is a mystery.  Mima Shimoda and Etsuko Mita had two of the best matches I saw in the last Joshi 100 grading period with the
COMPLETELY BALLS OUT match against TOMOKO MOTHERFUCKING WATANABE and Nanae
Takahashi and the THOROUGHLY BALLS OUT match against Lioness and Yoshida.  It would be too much to expect them to match that here but they have a lot of goodwill from the reviewer's corner going in, so hope springs eternal.
Hotta and Kandori are at odds trying to decide who will start and Mita and Shimoda take advantage and it turns into a brawl into the stands.  When they get back to the ring it becomes this fun little match- as Hotta and Kandori act all whimsical.  Hotta is the victim as her knee is taped and La Cacharachacacharachas start working on it.  Kandori comes in the ring and starts punching motherfuckers in the face and God know's THAT'S fun.  Kandori makes with the Judo throws and you fall in love all over again.  Hotta tags in and starts kicking motherfuckers in the face.  She makes with the Spinning heel Kick and you fall in love all over again.  Kandori selling Pro Style is always fun because she sells like Boogie Woogie Man Jimmy Valiant- which is funny because Kandori also conveys legitimate Ass Beater like noone else in wrestling.  Mita and Shimoda are on a roll.  They stare straight into the punches to the face and actually save the match in the middle when Hotta gets lost and it unravels.  They bash her with a chair and get her back on track.
Luckily, Kandori can still work like a motherfucker and further saves Hotta's bacon and she and Mita bring the crowd back in with Kandori eating three Death Valley Bombs to get the structure of the match back into place. Kandori's hits a Sleeper - Mita Stunners out. Kandori gets an armbar, Shimoda back body drops her over the toprope. The brawling is subpar at that point- especially when you remember Kandori's magnificent brawling pedrigree- Kandori/ Hokuto, Kandori/ Nakano, Kandori/ Kudo. Kandori and Hotta hit stereo Powerbombs after some pathetic chairshots by Mita and Mima.  Hotta hits the palmthrust and Kandori procures the Sleeper and it's all over.  This wasn't good but it's good to see Kandori still up and around. Hotta is pretty much shot at this point- which is sad because she is one of my
all-time favorites.  I can't hate this match.  It wasn't good though.

KAORU ITO vs. MANAMI TOYOTA - AJW WWWA TITLE
Kaoru Ito vs. Manami Toyota FOR DA BELT!  I love Toyota since she turned evil and figured out how to sell.  Manami is wearing the most hideous robe as she enters the ring.  It is red with swatches of red paisley on the puffy shoulders and giant ruffles down the front so that it resembles a giant clamshell opening.  I would wear it everyday of my life if I owned it.  It's THAT hideous.  When she takes it off- HOTCHEE MAMA! - Gold and black and  slutty single garter.  WOO-HOO!  Kauro Ito has the Pitcher For A Midwestern College Softball Team look to her which I fucking adore in my Joshi champs.  The cut up sleeves of the t-shirt?  Fuck me running- that rules.  Ito starts early,  stomping Manami through the ring to the floor.  She misses her Off The Apron stomp and Manami CRUSHES her with a German.  Manami always threw the prettiest suplexes and she still does.     Manami throws anoither as they hit the ring and follows up with a moonsault and Missile dropkick before going COMPLETELY Arena Mexico on Ito with the Octagon Armbar Roll-up followed by the run up the ropes armdrag.  Ito slows her down with a chinlock and then really slows her down with a nice elbow drop to settle into a Boston Crab.  Ito hits a NASTY Nodowa and hits ANOTHER and goes back to the Boston Crab.  Manami starts to cry and lose hope as Ito switches to a half crab.  Ito releases the hold and Irish Whips Toyota who pounces into a roll-up just to be cut off by Ito and caught in the Boston Crab again.  Ito keeps working on the back and Manami has replaced her hyperworkrate screeching with the sounds of actually selling.  Ito runs into the ropes and Manami dropkicks in response. Ito cuts off her comeback and cinches in a Boston Crab.   Ito starts double stomping Manami's back and goes to the Camel Clutch with Manami giving it the full extension before hitting the ropes and rolling to the floor.  Which sets up the Ito Double Stomp off the apron.  Ito throws her against the rail and hits a quick half crab.  Manami goes hardcore on her ass as she tries to get back into the ring and drags her to the floor and throws Ito into catacorner railing and then throws a table at her.  They make it back to the ring and Toyota hits two missile dropkicks to the front and back of  Ito's head.  Toyota hits the Calf Branding and tries for the two Octapus Holds- both met with two sweet looking Judo Flips by Ito.  Manami hits the Rolling Cradle and I 'm in hate all over again.  Manami takes the cool ass bump by missing trying to dropkick Ito off the apron from inside the ring and flying through the ropes to the floor.  Manami is having a rough time.  Ito finds some scaffolding to double stomp off of.   Maybe she shouldn't do a fucking double stomp EVERY OTHER MOVE.  Just throwing it out. Manami gets some offense in until she misses a Moonsault but recovers by countering out of the roperunning into a INVERTED STRAIGHTJACKET WRISTCLUTCH SUPLEX that Ito deadweights on and makes look like shit.  I'm starting to lose the love for Ito. Minami goes to the top and Ito meets her but Manami adjusts and get her in a toprope Sunset Flip for two. Ito deadweights and then obviously cooperates on the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex and this match is falling to pieces. Ito gets an armbar while they are both recovering but Manami makes the ropes. Manami tries to go to the top again but Ito turns it into a Powerbomb that she follows with a Boston Crab. They trade elbows and Ito goes over the top when Toyota ducks.  Toyota does a Somersault Plancha off the Top turnbuckle to the floor and follows up with a Top Turnbuckle Missile Dropkick to the floor and this is suddenly great again.  They do the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex followed with an armbar thing.  Ito hits a Powerbomb and goes up for a Double Stomp. Toyota tries to stop her but gets pushes off to the mat so Ito goes Stomp crazy- pulverizing Manami's thirty-something ribs. After a lariat, Ito misses the double stomp and hits a powerbomb for two. Ito hits a Toprope Fisherman's Buster and Manami barely bridges out.  Manami rolls out of the way as ito goes up top and catches her as she comes down with two of those Air Raid Crash variations that she uses for a finisher now- getting her the pin and the belt. Problematic match but Toyota continues on her hot streak of good matches.  Ito was outclassed by Toyota's endless arsenal of offense and looked really repetitive in comparison.  Ito also wasn't the best at making Toyota's offense look all that good, which was irritating.  Still a good match, if not a great match.

I dunno.  Ahhhhh, get for the Kobino.

Patriot vs. Stan Hanson - All Japan
(by PHIL RIPPA)
One of the weird tapes in my collection is this Del Wilkins "This is Your Life - All Japan" tapes. And as I am killing time in between World Cup games, I through it in and decided to review the match on the tape. Its 4:30 in the morning, so I am not up for searching for the date or anything quite yet. I will get to it though... maybe. This is joined in progress about four minutes in - if the ring announcements are to be believed. Patriot in early control taking Hansen to the floor, focusing on the back - ring aprong, ring post, table. Our Boy Del (I have no idea why I just called him that - I am loopy) gets cocky, misses a charge and ends up torching his shoulder against the ring post. This becomes the focal point for the rest of the match. As the kids like to say, Stan methodically works over the shoulder, softening it (the standing knee to the shoulder socket was my fave) and possibly looking for a fluke submission. The Patriot's selling while Hansen is pummeling the shoulder is lacking but he makes up for it by working the rest of the match one armed - dropping down in pain after hitting a clothesline with the bad arm, only throwing punches with his right hand, one handed slam, etc... The full-nelson slam (UNCLE SLAM~!) out of nowhere was odd. I liked the ending as Hanson steps out of the way of the top rope shoulder block, then shoulder blocks the Patriot's bum shoulder and then hits the standing lariat for the win. Nothing to remember but I was entertained by it.

JARDI FRANTZ vs. SUPER DRAGON - All Pro Wrestling (5/10/02) - Internet Title
(by PHIL RIPPA)
One of these days there will be a Kafu vs. Sebastian Slasher match (or something in a similar vein) and I am not going to care. Heck, I don't care too terribly about this match but at the rate Revolution Pro releases tapes this might be the only time I see Super Dragon in the next three years. Forgettable affair. There is some throwaway mat work for the first minutes - mainly each man taking turns working over an arm. Suddenly, Super Dragon starts doing the Zybysko stall and I loss the little interest that I had. Thinking about the Zybysko stall reminds me of the conversation we had in the chat the other day during the National Spelling Bee - mainly because one kid was taking so long to spell his words, that it was mentioned that he was doing the Zybysko stall. I insisted that someone should have to spell Zybysko - hell, I am not even sure I have it right in this review. The "Euonym" clip is so outstanding. I, of course, would have tapped out on a word like "groin". Oh yeah. I think the saturation of Jardi Frantz matches has tuckered me out. Maybe it is a good thing that Super Dragon took the title. I see there is Super Dragon vs. Bobby Quance...

EAGLE SOLDIER (Eagle) vs NAOSHI SANO (WWU) - EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNAMENT (7/23/2000)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Naoshi Sano is known for a couple things- major and minor.  Major: Possibly every monster in Saitima Pro
Wrestling that ever faced Survival Tobita was possibly actually Naoshi Sano.  Minor: Is in most every Onita Pro main event.  Eagle Soldier- all we know is that he ISN'T Naoshi Sano under a mask.  Sano has tasted the bigtime by this point in his career it seems because he is  Indie Wrestling In A Used Car Lot  At Twelve Noon-level intense in this.  This all looks really bad until Eagle Soldier goes on offense and hits a few finishers and wins with a Fisherman Suplex into a Northern lights Suplex at the 5 minute mark. That wasn't the good part.  The good part is that Eagle Soldier's theme music is "She's A Runaway" by Bon Jovi..... I can see it now....

EAGLE SOLDIER: Hey Ma, I'm goin wid Nicky and Ramone and Louie Bag-a-donuts to the Jersey Shore.   We're gonna cruise around and get some kicks.  Can I get the car?

MRS SOLDIER: You'll have to ask you fatha.  You know he ain't gonna like it. Why do you hang around those bums... those hoodlums...

ES: C'mon, Ma... You know deyah good guys.  Me and Nicky been friends since we was six.  WHAT THE HELL? What's that on your eye?

Mrs S: Nothing.  Don't worry about it, it's nothing...

ES: Nothing....  Has dat son of a bitch hit you again?  THAT SON OF A BITCH!

MS: That's your FATHA! I won't have you calling him that!

MR SOLDIER: Call me WHAT?  What this little hoodlum done now?

ES: You hit her, you hit MY MUTHAH?

MR S: What I do with my wife under my roof is my business, you little punk. You got something to say about it, SAY IT.

ES: You SON OF A BITCH I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!

Eagle Soldier beats the living hell out of his old man.

ES: You lay another hand on her and I'LL KILL YOU!  You got it, OLD MAN!??!

MR S: Young... punk.... I'll.... ARRRGH!

MRS  S: Oh my GOD! He's dead.

ES: I'm sorry, ma.  I just didn't want you to ever have go through that...

MRS S: To hell with him, I'm worried about you.   Eagle, what can we do?

ES: I got it covered, ma.  Go call the police and tell them what happened. I'll be out of the country in three hours.   My friend I AM CODY has dis place.  It's in China or Japan or somethin.  I think he's a boxer or a wrestler or somethin.  I'll be allright.  I'll send you money when I can...

MRS S: Don't worry about that.  I had enough insurance on this lousy son of a bitch in case I lucked out.  I never wanted it to happen like dis though.  You're my only child and I don't want to think that dat son of a bitch ruined your life like he ruined mine.  I'll pretend that I passed out to give you a few hours...

ES: I'm sorry, ma.  You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you...

MRS S: Just go.  It'll all work out here and I'll send for you...

ES: I love you, Ma...

MRS S: I love you too... Take care of yourself .....

Eagle gets a ride to the airport from Nicky, Ramone and Lou.

RAMONE: Eh, Eagle, don't you fuhgit ya friends when your ovah there bird-doggin da chicks over in Japan.

ES: How could I ever forget you ugly bastids?  Look, straight up,  thanks for doin this for me.

NICKY: Eh what da fuck.  We're your friends, right?  You'd do the same for us, wouldn't ya?

ES:  Fuckin-A!

LOU: Yeah, just remember to stay low and never forget the days in the sun when we would cruise around Passaic and da city lookin for babes.

ES: I'll always remember dat.  I'll play our cruisin' theme song whenever I can and I'll thinka youse guys, da best friends a guy could evah have.

RAMONE: Fuckin-A, you garbanzo.  You bettah think of us when ever you hear "She's A Runaway".

ES: Fuckin-A.

LOU: Fuckin-A.

NICKY: Fuckin-A.

RAMONE: Fuckin-A.