AKIRA HOKUTO! and MEIKO SATOMURA! Have A Match of The Year! RIP ROGERS! completely baffles the Germans! TANK ABBOTT! remember him? SAKURA HIROTA! Jumps the Shark! TERRY GORDY! finally has some matches reviewed! MR.WONDERFUL! MARINE WOLVES! FMW! and more.....

Welcome to the Death Valley Driver Video Review #131

Dear Lord. It was quite the Sysisphian task putting this issue together. With an all-lucha issue and the newest 500 ahead in the windshield, many of us couldn't get focused on this issue. But it is done and it is funny. Dean reviews 8 hours of GAEA and you will love every second of it. Marcel, Dean and Rippa start to correct the lack of Terry Gordy reviews. Plus, we clear out a lot of random matches that we watched. Hoo-boy, this is so amazingly not edited but off we go. We blow our load early as here is the mack - Mike Naimark.....

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!*!*!*!*!*! Superbrawl 13 (September 7, 1999)
(by Mike Naimark)
From Blaisdell Arena in Honolulu, Hawaii

Imagine you had a chance to attend an indy show a couple of years ago featuring a handful of green rookies and up-and-comers gathered from around the country.  Maybe you could see Kurt Angle school Shane Helms on the mat and then trip over his own feet running the ropes, or hear the Hardy Boys audibly call dynamic high-flying spots against a confused Sexton Hardcastle and Christian Cage before getting crossed up and making a dive to nowhere.

The talent is clearly there, and in a few years they’d be sitting on top of the wrestling world, but right now they’re as entertaining for what they CAN’T do correctly as they are for their own unique skills.  In the world of MMA, that mythical indy show is called Superbrawl 13.

Mala Khaliki Maha everybody, and welcome to the sun-drenched shores of Hawaii’s ‘Big Island’ for an 8-man exercise in MMA mayhem, tournament-style, the way it outghta be!  8 young heavyweights have been gathered here to give the folks in attendance a glimpse into the future of fighting, an explosive mural painted in blood on the business end of their gloved fists.  5-minute rounds are the order of the day here.  No time to mince words, let’s go down to the ring and get down to business!

ALOHA FOXY MAMA!  Rarely has a ring girl of this aesthetic quality graced an MMA event!  Buzz off, you silicone-stuffed Penthouse hussies from Extreme Fighting!  Hit the road, you horse-toothed skanktresses from the UFC!  And I’m pretty sure the person in the stretch pants parading around with the ring cards at Brazilian Vale Tudo #5 was born a man; the less said about that, the better.  If this Hawaiian hottie doesn’t turn your ukulele into an upright bass, check your pulse.  On your wrist, you weirdo.

Oh, right.  The fights.

Match #1) John Marsh (6’0, 220lb) vs. Travis Fulton (5’11 235lb)
Just standing next to each other, these two men present a huge disparity in presence.  Marsh has the sculpted physique of a state-level bodybuilder, while Travis Fulton looks like any of a thousand washed-up high school football players – thick-waisted and fat-faced, with a pervert’s moustache slapped on to boot.  Fulton shoots for a double to open the fight, but Marsh sprawls easily and they grapple standing.  Both men trade right hands and step back.  After circling briefly, Fulton shoots for the double again, and once again Marsh sees it coming and sprawls.  After some jockeying for position on the ground, Marsh gets Fulton in his guard and does a good job controlling the fight from his back, keeping Fulton low and landing the occasional short punch to the side of his head.  Fulton stays composed and works his way to half-guard, then advances to the side mount, but can’t keep Marsh in this position and both men return to their feet.  They clinch, and Fulton grabs a front headlock as time expires in the first round of fighting.

2nd round – Fulton lunges in with a lead right that rocks Marsh, but when he attempts to shoot in for the legs, Marsh manages to sprawl yet again and thwart Fulton’s strategy.  Fulton grabs a leg and looks to be trying for a kneebar, but Marsh rolls away and winds up with side control.  The action slows here as Marsh maintains position and Fulton throws an occasional body shot from his back.  In the blink of an eye, Marsh explodes from the sidemount and grabs a heel-hook, and perhaps 5 seconds after the amount of action was near-zero, Travis Fulton taps out.
Winner by submission, JOHN MARSH!!

Travis Fulton has become one of the most experienced and well-known fighters on the North American regional MMA circuit.  With more than 100 fights in his career, Fulton has won numerous regional titles and been in the ring with such MMA luminaries as Tsuyoshi Kohsaka, Dan Severn, Jeremy Horn, and Pete Williams.  Although not considered to be an ‘elite’ fighter, Fulton nonetheless is a highly respected competitor who wins much more often than he loses and can always be counted on to deliver a solid fight against high-caliber opponents.

Match #2) Josh Barnett (6’3, 250lb) vs. Juha Tuhkasaari (5’11, 220lb)
Once again we have a striking contrast in physiques – Juha, a Finnish fighter with some really nifty tattoos, is announced as being the strongest man in the world at his weight class, and he certainly looks the part, thickly-muscled and without a trace of bodyfat.  As opposed to the tall, farm-boyish Barnett, who looks to be wearing an inner tube to the ring around his waist.  Barnett’s ‘ring of flab’ actually hangs over his trunks in a loose flap of jiggling skin that trembles noticeably when he walks to the middle of the ring for instructions.  But Barnett has noted Pankration instructor Matt Hume in his corner, so perhaps there’s more to him than meets the eye.  Juha opens the match with a series of wild, flinging right hands, all of which miss.  Barnett tries to keep distance, but Juhu bulls forward again behind a pair of clumsy jabs and manages to land a crisp straight right to the face.  Barnett backs away and throw a pair of leg kicks that connect.  Already, a trickle of blood in dribbling down the center of his farmboy face, and the match isn’t even a minute old.  Juha misses another wild right hand, and Barnett clinches and begins to fire strong kneestrikes to the body before Juha catches a leg and sends both fighters tumbling to the mat.  Barnett takes guard and slows the fight to a crawl before Juha backs out slightly to throw some hammer-fist punches.  Quick as a blink, Barnett catches an exposed arm and rolls over on his gelatinous stomach with an arm bar, and the muscular Finn taps out so vigorously that you couldn’t be faulted for thinking he was trying to slap Barnett into submission.  Winner by tap-out in his first MMA match ever, JOSH BARNETT!

I feel a muse:

“Fat… Is a squishy thing.
When it makes, an abdominal ring
Barnett’s a tough kid, he can clubber
All despite his Ring of Blubber
[chorus]
Josh Barnett has a jiggling ring of blubber
A baby face and a body made of Flubber
And it hangs, hangs, hangs
That ring of blubber
The ring of blubber.”

Juha Tuhkasaari never fought again.  I think this was a good thing.

Match #3) Heath Herring (6’4 240lb) vs. Rocky Bastihi (short, fat)
Heath Herring is a large, bald kid in a singlet, looking vaguely like a smaller Paul Varelans with his head shaved.  Rocky Bastihi is almost completely round, and he immediately reminds me of the late Louie Spicolli.  For some reason, I clearly remember the last words I heard Spicolli say on Nitro before his untimely demise – “Larry Zbyzsco came by my hotel room last night, and boy can he eat pizza!”  Well there’s no way in heck even a fine grappler like Larry Z could wrestle a slice from the grubby hands of this round mound of ground-n-pound.  Bastihi comes out swinging and bulls Herring back with just his momentum, despite not landing a single punch.  Herring tries a clinch and almost gets hip-thrown for his efforts.  Bastihi continues to punch until Herring grabs a waistlock and simply drags Bastihi to the ground.  Once on the mat, Herring works quickly and gets his opponent’s back, and after a few short punches to the back of the head, sinks in the rear-naked choke for the easy win.
Winner by submission, HEATH HERRING!

Rocky Bastihi continued his mediocre MMA career, although his career record remains below .500

Match #4) Bobby Hoffman (6’2 245lb) vs. Ricco Rodriguez (6’4 240lb)
Hoffman hails from the wrestling epicenter of North America, Iowa, and has the powerful build of a freestyle wrestle as well.  Rodriguez boasts a background in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu under the tutelage of the famed and respected Machado Academy, and was coming off a strong showing at the 1998 Abu Dhabi International Submissions Wrestling tournament.  Hoffman opens the fight with a big left hand that connects, and the two men clinch in the center of the ring.  Rodriguez attempt a takedown, but Hoffman is close enough to the rope to be able to use them to support his balance.  Ricco is undeterred and spins around before grabbing a single-leg and taking Hoffman to the mat, with Hoffman hanging on to a powerful front headlock.  Rodriguez works his way back to his feet, and, still trapped in Hoffman’s grip, picks him up and delivers what can best be described as a Buzz Sawyer-level powerslam which breaks the hold and allows him to take the full mount.  Hoffman elevates Rodriguez and almost reverses him but is distracted when Ricco grabs an ankle and tries to work a submission.  Hoffman rolls through and frees his leg before taking Ricco’s back and landing a series of punches as Rodriguez is forced halfway out of the ring.  This forces a restart, and when the action continues, Hoffman lands a left jab followed immediately by a powerful overhand right than lands on Ricco’s temple.  Rodriguez goes down to his hands and knees, and the referee immediately stops the match.  When first watching this, I thought the stoppage was premature, but watching the aftermatch, it’s clear that Rodriguez is severely dazed, and can’t regain his feet for almost a full minute.
Winner by KO, BOBBY HOFFMAN!

Ricco Rodriguez hasn’t lost another fight in his MMA career, and is considered by many ‘insiders’ to be one of the fastest-rising stars in the sport today.  From his BJJ background, Ricco has gone on to train with Mark Coleman’s Hammer House, and currently works out of the Takada Dojo.  After three wins in PRIDE, Rodriguez was invited to compete in UFC32, and promptly won that match by TKO.  He was scheduled to fight Lion’s Den fighter Pete Williams at the upcoming UFC33, but the fight was postponed until UFC34 due to an injury suffered by Williams during training.

SEMIFINALS
Match #5) Josh Barnett vs. John Marsh
Marsh comes out of his corner like a cannonball, and grapples Barnett to the ropes.  Barnett lands a stiff left jab but eats a hard countering right cross in exchange, and the blood begins to trickle from his nose again.  They clinch, and Barnett grabs the ‘plum clinch’, or standing neck-vice for you non-Muay-Thai fans, and lands a pair of hard kneestrikes to Marsh’s chiseled abs.  Marsh absorbs the blows and tries for a double-leg takedown but is thwarted when Barnett sprawls and presses the action until he achieves a side-mount.  When Barnett tries for the full-mount, however, Marsh spins away and regains his feet to a round of exuberant applause from the delighted Hawaiians in attendance.  Both men miss wild punches and then clinch, where Marsh lands three solid uppercuts that snap Barnett’s head back and increase the flow of blood from his nose to a mild gusher.  Barnett returns fire with a hard kneestrike followed by a clean right cross than stuns Marsh enough for Barnett to score an easy takedown.  From a sidemount position, Barnett first fails an attempt at a keylock before passing a leg under Marsh’s neck and applying what appears to be a combination Kimura armlock and inverted triangle choke.  Whatever the heck it is, it’s too much for John Marsh, who quickly taps out.  Winner by submissions to the moss-covered-three-handled-family-credenza, JOSH BARNETT!

“Barnett, he showed great skill
Over his trunks, the lard did spill
See that ring girl?  I’d like to rub her
But I’m too distracted by the Ring of Blubber
[chorus]
A baby face and a body made of Flubber
And it hangs, hangs, hangs
That ring of blubber
The ring of blubber.”

John Marsh hasn’t developed into a top fighter in MMA, but appears to have achieved a level of success elsewhere – as a teacher.  From his early days training under Royce Gracie, Marsh has gone on to teach at several respected jiu-jitsu academies, including most recently the Caique Academe with Kid Peligro.  I understand John is the unofficial “challenge” fighter for the school, taking on any loudmouth that walks through the door with a chip on his shoulder.  Reviews of his teaching style have been uniformly glowing from students on the sport jiu-jitsu message boards.

Match #6) Heath Herring vs. Bobby Hoffman
Hoffman springs to the center of the ring with a wild flurry of punches.  Herring attempts to return fire, but can’t get his feet set and soon decides to shoot for the double-leg.  Hoffman sprawls with the ease of a veteran wrestler and takes a front headlock.  Herring rolls out and gets the full guard on Hoffman, and actually comes close to catching Hoffman in a Kimura armlock while Hoffman is distracted by throwing punches to Herring’s ribs.  The near-miss seems to light a fire under the Iowa boy, and he quickly advances to half guard but gets pulled back into the guard when he tries to rear back and throw punches.  Herring again goes for an arm submission, this time a keylock, but Hoffman is better prepared and easily rolls out of the lock and after some scrambling on the ground, takes Herring’s back.  Rather than sink in the hooks and try for a choke, Hoffman instead chooses to throw a series of painful-looking kidney punches to the turtled-up Herring.  Hoffman moves up and starts throwing hammer shots to the ears, which forces Herring to somersault forward to escape the punishment.  Hoffman follws him into the full guard as time expires in the first round.

In between rounds, you can hear a voice over the loudspeaker system, desperately exhorting, “No!  No!  Don’t!”  Is there a prison-style rape going on in the announcer’s booth?  NO!  It’s none other than TANK ABBOTT, the UFC’s brawling bad boy emerging from the front row and heading for the ring!  I believe Tank was in the middle of his WCW stint here, but this is no mere run-in to prove his heelishness (I’m fairly sure that nobody doubt’s Tank’s fundamentally heelish nature)!  Tank tears off his shirt and slides into the ring where he performs a joyous dance to the thunderous cheers of the Hawaii faithful!  The admonitions are still coming in from the loudspeaker, and Tank seems to acknowledge them as he steps out of the ring, but this is pure Tank misdirection!  Standing on the ring apron, Tank grabs the top rope and shakes it, Warrior-style, and to prove that the effort hasn’t exhausted him (which definitely be Warrior-style), Tank slingshots himself headfirst into the ring and bumps beautifully on the mat before pointing at both tired fighters in their respective corners and demanding that they get out there and kick some ass.  Tank leaves the ring again, this time for good, as the unseen announcer whines, “I see money hasn’t changed you, Tank”. Listen jerky, if Tank finds out where you are, the only thing that will be changed is your underwear.

Back to the fight and Round 2 – Hoffman opens the round with a wide right hook that lands and dazes Herring.  Hoffman follows up with a takedown into a half guard.  The seconds tick away as neither man initiates any offense until Hoffman powers his way out of the half-guard and into the full mount.  Herring quickly gives up his back and Hoffman responds with hammer fists to the back of the head.  Herring rolls over again and Hoffman briefly loses his balance, and the mount, winding up in the side mount.  Hoffman continues to throw short punches from this position as Herring slowly advances his defensive position to half guard.  After absorbing more punches, Herring finally achieves the full guard, and the fight stays there with little action until time expires.
The judges render a unanimous decision for your winner, BOBBY HOFFMAN!

Heath Herring is my personal choice for the #1 young heavyweight fighter in the world today.  He lost his very first career match to none other than Travis Fulton (see fight #1) but nonetheless showed good athleticism and balance.  After training in Holland with the Golden Glory team, Herring developed powerful kicking technique to compliment his natural wrestling ability, as well as a growing understanding of submissions.  Herring’s ability to use keylocks and Kimura locks from his back has allowed him to be on his back against far larger and more accomplished wrestlers and actually thwart their strongest assets.  Following this fight, Herring would reel off 8 wins in a row, 7 by KO or submission, and capped off with a shockingly dominant win over 290lb monster Tom Erikson in PRIDE.  With his most recent knockout win over Mark Kerr, Herring is almost universally regarded as a top-5 heavyweight in the world, and has become a huge fan favorite in Japan due to his exciting fighting style, WWF-style entrance, and a bizarre fetish for carving geometric shapes into his hair.  Oh yeah, and he’s only 24.

TOURNAMENT FINALS – Josh Barnett vs. Bobby Hoffman
Both men enter the ring to the melodious strains of Ministry’s classic, “Thieves”.  Tank Abbott circles the ring and seems to give advice to both fighters.  What kind of advice do you think Tank would have to offer?  “Punch him in the damn face until he twitches”?  Barnett opens with a long leg kick and clinches.  Barnett steps back and lands a nice crisp right before clinching again and landing a good kneestrike to the midsection.  After some slow dancing, Barnett steps back again and lands another straight right, followed by another clinch and another kneestrike to the gut.  Hoffman breaks off and actually turns his back briefly on Barnett to create some distance and reset himself.  They two men clinch again, and Barnett launches another strong kneestrike before both men trade hard right hands.  Hoffman spits out his mouthpiece, a sure sign of fatigue.  The blood is once again flowing from the nose of Josh Barnett, but he’s oblivious to it.  Hoffman lands a pair of uppercuts and Barnett counters with a knee to the abdomen before both men tumble to the ground in a disorganized heap.  Barnett ends up with a slight advantage and begins to punch as Hoffman’s upper body slips under the ring ropes.  The referee stops the action to allow Hoffman to reenter the ring, and warns him that if he spits out his mouthpiece again, he’ll be DQ’d just as the round ends.

Round 2 – Barnett opens up with a straight right that rocks Hoffman early.  They clinch and grapple in the middle of the ring, with Barnett throwing kneestrikes at will and Hoffman’s mouthpiece hanging halfway out of his mouth.  As the referee begins to berate Hoffman for not heeding his warning about the mouthpiece, Barnett steps back and lands a winging right hand flush on Hoffman’s jaw, sending the mouthpiece flying out the ring and into the crowd.  More knees in the clinch, and the fit Hoffman is looking tired, holding his hands low and breathjing with his mouth wide open, while the blubbery Barnett looks full of vigor.  Feeling more confidant, Barnett shoves Hoffman back to a corner and throw a round kick TO THE HEAD, which surprised everyone in the building, including Hoffman, who didn’t even try to block it, and including Barnett, who looked mighty surprised when the kick missed and he landed on his butt, staring up at a bewildered Bobby Hoffman.  Hoffman takes the full mount easily, but as he’s trying to land punches, the nitwit referee grabs Barnett’s leg and tries to pull both men closer to the middle of the ring – imagine this – the 160lb referee trying to drag 500lbs of active fighter across the canvas by himself, and he hasn’t even called for a break in the action!  FINALLY someone with a clue runs in to assist the ref and call for a break while they reset the fighters.  From his back, Barnett almost gets a triangle choke as the round expires.

Round 3 – They clinch early and go to a corner, and Barnett’s nose is still bleeding openly.  Both men are showing signs of fatigue and the pace of the fight has slowed considerably.  Barnett lands a crisp left hook but misses a wide powerful right-handed follow-up and ends up back in the clinch.  He tries to take Hoffman down, but ends up slipping and being mounted in a sloppy exchange.  From the mount, Hoffman throws a few lackluster punches but does little else, and the round is soon over.
The judges return with a unanimous decision, for your winner, and Superbrawl 13 Cham-peen – JOSH BARNETT!

“Barnett, he won’t be beat
Hoffman, he met defeat
He beat his foes one after another
Despite a hula-hoop-like Ring of Blubber
[chorus]
Josh Barnett has a jiggling ring of blubber
A baby face and a body made of Flubber
And it hangs, hangs, hangs
That ring of blubber
The ring of blubber
The ring of blubber
The ring of blubber.”

Bobby Hoffman has been a dominant figure on the regional North American MMA circuit, winning numerous local tournaments and compiling an impressive 25-3 record overall.  He holds wins in both the UFC and the Japanese RINGS promotion, and his only recent loses have come to top-ranked fighters like Maurice Smith and Volk Han.  He dominates regional events, and is considered the top heavyweight fighting out of Pat Miletich’s school.

Josh Barnett has yet to completely lose that ring of flab around his middle, but he’s shown himself to be a top fighter even without abs of steel.  Barnett made the MMA world take notice when he took on Dan Severn in his next fight after this tournament win and submitted Dan on the ground.  A win over Gan McGee at the UFC was enough to put Josh in line for a shot at a real top-ranked heavyweight in Pedro Rizzo at UFC30, and Josh didn’t disappoint, matching one of the top strikers in MMA blow-for-blow in a thrilling fight that ended midway through the second round when Rizzo finally overwhelmed Barnett and sent him to his first career MMA loss.  Barnett bounced back at UFC32 with an upset submission of 6’10 King of Pancrase Semmy Schilt, and his career looks to be in excellent shape at the tender age of 24.

So from this field of 8 unknowns, we saw the emergence of one fighter (Herring) considered a top-5 in the world, one other (Barnett) usually ranked in the top-10, and two others (Rodriguez and Hoffman) who are arguably top-20 material, as well as a double-tough journeyman (Fulton) and a respected instructor (Marsh).  Plus a guy who made me think fondly of Louie Spicolli.  What more could I ask for?  Maybe another look at the gorgeous Hawaiian mama hold the ring cards.  Until next time, I’ll be rewinding and reviewing the best in MMA, for YOUR Death Valley Driver!

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!@!@!@!@!@!@! GAEA -  G-Panic 3/18/01 (taped in Feb-Mar)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This is all leading up to the Dean Rasmussen Match Of The Year- Akira Hokuto vs Meiko Satomura on April 29, so we thought it would be fun to just review and review and review GAEA until it drained out my ears like much gray matter gravy.  After watching hour after hour of GAEA in a huge block over the weekend, I can say that I envy those guys on the internet who complain about GAEA's in-ring work. These internet folks must get the kind of high-grade weed that we can only dream of here in the fine town of Richmond, VA.  In the Big 01, Chigusa is totally channelling Paul E booking CWA Alabama- as this whole psychosexual drama between Chigusa, Meiko Satomura, Mayumi Ozaki, Lioness and the greatest Dirty White Boy of All Time- Akira Hokuto- plays out to utter blood-drenched neck-crunching dynamic perfection.

Akira Hokuto/Toshiyo Yamada vs Meiko Satomura/Saika Takeuchi
This is a great starting point.  Toshio Yamada is pure evil in this as the aging, broken, bitter veteran who no longer gives a fuck.  She takes it out on the golden child Satomura and Satomura's first quasi-protege, Takeuchi.  Yamada is compelling in this mostly because she is  tagging with Hokuto- as Yamada is the actual living embodiment of what Hokuto is simply portraying in the angle. Hokuto- happily married  and a new mother- gets the luxury of going out with a few gigantic  matches with the super wrestler of this generation while Toshiyo Yamada, who has a history in this art as lush and magnificent as Hokuto's, will spend her final days in the art- for which she has sacrificed her youth and body- trying to get Toshie Uematsu over to the thankless rubes in the GAEA fanbase.  The match fleshes this out by Akira Hokuto beating the living hell out of Takaeuchi and taunting Chigusa's protege while doing it.  Yamada enters the match with her own agenda of repressed frustration and really starts killing motherfukkaz with dangerous backdrops and flying heelkicks to the face.  All She Has Left is plenty enough to inflict a major ass-beating and it is a joy to behold if you are fan from way back.  Akira leans into a monstrous Satomura Kappou kick like she doesn't have to lean into too many more of them soon enough.

KAORU/ Dynamite Kansai vs Lioness Asuka/ Toshie Uematsu
KAORU and Kansai beat the life out of Toshie Uematsu- as Toshie plays the part Steve Muzzlin getting the beating to let Wahoo come in and Tomahawk chop the Andersons Ric Flair during the during hot tag, in the studio in Raleigh.  Lionness is suitably Goddesslike as she brings the hate on offense and leans WAY into Kansai dropkicking her in the face while Lionness is laying on the mat. Kansai is so not afraid of the repercussions of whipping out an Iron Claw in '01, but she also seems to be bumping a lot these days and she is also selling better than I've ever seen her sell, so she is a conundrum in a green catsuit.  She is looking pretty good in her limited role- which is great considering it wasn't too long ago we weren't sure how long she would be with us on this mortal coil.  KAORU's pants are black and glittery- driving hordes of teenage boys and assorted compu-dorks into the special place where love- love for one's self, love in a tender moment- is performed.  The blindness-causing pants have the tie up the side exposing  her hip and I'm assuming it is all on video capture on that creepy joshi hip line fetish website.  She does a weak board shot and a couple of more substantial board shots, takes a big kick to the back of the noggin by Aska, gets some more boards and hits Uematsu to set up the Excalibur for the three.  It's pretty basic. Not anything memorable since Toshie isn't very good with KAORU or Kansai and the Southerness of the tagmatch facilitated Toshie in with both the whole time.  Kansai is an enigma at this point.  Will she ever be a draw again?  How do you heat her up? Will she ever wear the Central Air Conditioning Ductwork robe ever again?

Chigusa Nagayo/ Chikayo Nagashima vs Mayumi Ozaki/ Sakura Hirota
Hirota turns evil and IT'S STILL FUNNY! HAHAHAha...oh wait. This actually sucks dick. The crowd seems to love it but I can't CARE about that.  It sucks. I'm sure the Japanese audience wouldn't appreciate the shit I laugh at either (Family Matters, COPS, these hilarious antics of preachers on Public Access...) so we'll call it a draw in the "Dean vs the Japanese Sense Of Humor" Battle of the Cross-Cultural Superyukks.  And this match is longer than a Memorial Day Urkel marathon.  But hey,I'm not your mom- if you busta gut at the comic antics of Hirota, this match is your baby- a virtual one-woman play of wrestling comedy jokes! I await the evil twin episode of this string of matches so Hirota can finally jump the shark and we can get on with our GAEA-lives.

KAORU/ Dynamite Kansai vs Devil Masami/ Sakura Hirota
KAORU does a great Orihara Moonsault.  Meanwhile, Hirota finds a bag of money in the ladies room and doesn't know if she should give it to the police or keep it for herself.  Mafia goons come by and start roughing up everybody, looking for the money.  Hirota and special guest Missy Gold lay out a delightfully hilarious trap to capture the thugs. Of course, everything goes wrong until Chigusa finally learns the truth and helps the girls out of the jam.  Chigusa ends the episode by telling Hirota the importance of honesty and integrity; everyone is wiser and happier as Hirota and Missy decide to call cute boys during their subsequent pajama party. (Also, there is an actual Battle Of The Claws between Kansai and Devil. Kansai also bumps like a motherfucker for Devil's Superplex. You STILL want no part of this shit.  I watched it so YOU don't have to.)

Chikayo Nagashima vs Saika Takeuchi
I can't quite figure out why this made TV.  Takeuchi and Nagashima have four minutes of setting up a suitably gnarley Northern Lights Bomb. And there you go.

Chigusa Nagayo/Meiko Satomura vs Mayumi Ozaki/Akira Hokuto
A Historical Fiction.

Chigusa looks into the eyes of Meiko- her protege's eyes an abyss of confusion. "What is troubling you, my child?"

"My life is so strange.I envy you and I envy Akira Hokuto."

"Well, we have both had great careers..."

"No, it's not that.  I envy you both as women.  You are Chigusa.  You showed me the power that a woman has locked inside of herself.  You showed me that good comes through strength and determination and doing things the hard way."

"And all of that is true.  There is nothing a woman cannot do if she is determined.  Strength and discipline lead to freedom."

"But I also envy Akira Hokuto.  She is wild and worldly.  She has known the love of many men from all over the world.  She has bled in a hellish fight with Shinobu Kandori in what all would say was the greatest moment in our art...."

"Well, yes, she is of the world and she is also a great wrestler."

"But in her heart, it all falls to the wayside when she can look at the birth of her son.  Surely that is the greatest moment of her life.  She- the crazed and worldly Dangerous Queen- after two divorces and then another marriage to Kensuke Sasaki- after all she has done, her most important role is not the destroyer or the libertine, but the nurturer.  It confuses the lessons you have taught me."

"Of course it confuses you.  She is the opposite of me in many ways. When I was fighting Dump Matsumoto, Dump was representing the grotesque extremes of worldliness.  The harder truth is that the real face of worldliness and a life lived out of control can many times have a beautiful face.  Akira is as dangerous to you as Dump was to me. She must destroy you to continue living.  Akira is singular strength and nasty guile used for survival through horrendous times, in a society that has always wanted her to fail.  She has seen everything and done everything and now she wants more. She wants her family and her lifestyle- and she also wants to destroy you because it will vindicate her life.   She no longer cares about the future.  She cares about being able to justify every decision she's made in her life, justify every bridge burned, every time she has lashed out at the things that hold a woman down. She knows that if she beats you, then she has conquered the spectre of Chigusa."

" The spectre of Chigusa? She is the Dangerous Queen- a legend who will endure forever.  Why would she fear your legend?"

" You must realize what I represent. Now I am an independent entrepreneur who is also a woman.  The spectre I cast is spectre of my life as a girl in the 80s. You are that now in GAEA. She must destroy you to thoroughly destroy me...."
---
The match: It goes Memphis early as Hokuto hands Oz a chain. Oz with a chain in her hands equals about fifteen KAORU's in little pants in the fabulous combination of sexy and violent.  After bludgeoning Chigusa, Oz tags in Akira- who has now achieved pure evil.  She has the manic intensity back- like the old days when she wrestled more like a weasel in a sack and you've accidentally reached in. She goes after Chigusa's shoulder like she's going to chew it off.  And then she makes this perfect face of contempt to Meiko Satomura.  Meiko can convey any emotion in the ring and the HATE IS MOTHERFUCKING SOOO ON.  It goes chaotic in the ring as Akira tries to come off the top rope but Satomura stops and CRUSHES her with a KAPO kick to the back of the head.  The ghost of Elvis appears as this goes super-Memphis as the whole Hee Haw Heel Stable runs in and they dog-collar Chigusa to Satomura and then AKIRA THROWS MEIKO SATOMURA OVER THE TOPROPE!   Just like Dirty White Boy and Dr Tom Pritchard.  KAORU would be the hottest Dirty White Girl in this scenario.  Double Death Valley Drivers by Chigusa and Satomura get them back on offense after the usual choking and hanging Memphis spots- with Akira hitting a TOTAL Lawler Geography Forgetting Jumping Piledriver on Satomura. OZ uses a stick to counter a Crescent Kick by Chigusa and Akira comes motherfucking POSSESSED. Hokuto is Violence Incarnate and Satomura has GOT to be counting the minutes until this crazy old bitch retires because Akira pretty much says, "If I'm going out to be kind and gentle mother to my boy, I'm going out after breaking every bone in Meiko Satomura's head."  The Pyramid Driver/ Ganso Bomb thingy she does made ME forget half the alphabet.  Chigusa and Satomura get on offense with chairs.  Satomura wraps the chain around her leg like a new millenium Bull Nakano but Oz catches her and gives the Tequila Sunrise Suplex before Satomura can hit the roundhouse kick with the chain.  OZ- ever one to sense the Memphis possibilities- bleeds like an ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER.  The ref refuses to make the count because of the chain being used and Meiko punches her in the face as this is becoming the greatest match in the history of Tennessee.  Akira goes into complete Crazed Bitch Overdrive and is fighting like an absolute motherfucker, making the save and pummeling the bejesus out of Satomura. Chain-wrapped urikans, blood-drenched DVDs and the assoreted nearfalls lead up to Chigusa's Rotation Powerbomb for the finish.  Absolutley motherfucking great. Postmatch, Akira tries to scratch up Meiko's face so won't be so pretty no more. Then she sucker punches Satomura right in the mouth while feigning concilation with Chigusa.  This is fucking great.

Aja Kong/KAORU/Toshiyo Yamada vs. Lioness Asuka/Toshie Uematsu/Chikayo Nagashima
This starts in the stands as it goes all brawltastic.  Lioness and Aja will beat each other to death without even blinkingand we get to watch- IT'S FUN!  KAORU and Yamada lower Uematsu over the balcony of Koraken, freeing up time for Lioness and Aja to hit the ring one on one.  From there it kinda goes into a regular six-woman match with the Aja vs Lioness parts bringing the heavyhitting.  Yamada makes like the Cameo Ass-kicker and kicks Lioness right in the motherfucking face once for good measure.  Toshio Yamada takes all these bumps that shouldn'e take at this point but there is that old code of pride in your work- plus it sets up her comeback which kick Toshie Uematsu's teeth clear into the purse of a woman in the fifth row. Yamada fucking rules. From here it gets all tricky with flambouyant and preposterous tripleteams- which gets it too far away from the basic groundwork set up by Aja, Lioness and Yamada, but it's perfectly fine Joshi.  Aja vs Nagashima runs through the rest of it and it's every spot they did in their really great OZ Academy match.  Aja with a suitably gnarley Urikan...

YOU WANT MANY PARTS OF THIS.

~!~

#$#$#$#$#$ GAEA G-Panic 4/19/01 (taped in April)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Chigusa Nagayo/ Lioness Asuka vs Mayumi Ozaki/ Akira Hokuto:
This match is superfun.  Chigusa swinging a bullrope. OZ swinging a chain. Akira and OZ beating the hell out of Lioness, all the while taunting Chigusa while they beat on Lioness. They go so completely Southern by making it quite the full Southern tag match with the faces getting in a large heat segment on the heels to complement the heels beating down the face up to the hot tag.  The nearfalls are fucking great- as all four of these can milk a three count.  Lioness is spectactular in this with her giant powerbombs to set up the nearfalls and final falls.  She also takes the full brunt of the angry hateful offense the Dangerous Queen, who drives her neck into the mat more than a few times. Akira also does the superdickish Belly-to-Back suplexes that drive the point of Chigusa's bad shoulder straight into the mat. Postmatch OZ talks shit to Nagashima and Sato and they interview Chigusa in a sling and the angles and blood-drenched and the hurting and kicking and poking and the heyheyhey...

Dynamite Kansai/ KAORU vs Meiko Satomura/ Toshie Uematsu:
Kansai sells and sells and sells for Meiko Satomura in between kicking folks all up in their teeth and stuff.  KAORU does some moonsaults and wears the blacks pants that leave the most ordinance in their assault on your sexuality.  KAORU and Toshie have a bit of animosity going on but nothing to compare to other molten levels of wrestling hatred showed on this giant tape.  The cool story of Kansai losing to Satomura two times in succession makes this a cool match from a booking standpoint since Kansai should be getting a win back.  Kansai is playing her role really well- bumping and selling for the younguns- but she is averaging two claws a match, and that ain't no good.  Uematsu looked sharper in this than she did against them tagging with Lioness but it isn't anything that will make you forget the first time you ever saw Jaguar Yakota or anything. KAORU crushes Toshie Uematsu's head with a board and hits her with a pole and hits her ever-nasty Excalibur High Angle Michinoku Driver 2 for the win.  Perfectly fine wrestling. Postmatch, Meiko Satomura freaks out and tries kill Kansai with a wooden board.

Aja Kong/ Toshiyo Yamada vs Chigusa Nagayo/ Toshie Uematsu:
Aja starts off by smacking Chigusa upside the head really hard so you know madcap fun will ensue. Toshie Uematsu has her best matches against her mentor Toshio Yamada so this already has quite a bit going for it. Yamada is fucking awesome.  Here she kickes giant holes in Chigusa's back and then leans into a kick facefirst and then goes Total Angry Old Bitch on Uematsu and my love is a seed... that in the spring.... becomes the rose.  An Aja Urican and Yamada punch to the face brings the clippage to an end.

Lioness Asuka vs. Sakura Hirota:
Hirota gets into some trouble when she tries to impress the popular kids- Vicky (Sugar Sato) and Eric (Marc Price)- by smoking and not talking to her old friends.  Lioness finds out about Hirota's new bad habits and crushes Hirota's spine with a K-Driller.  Hirota decides that smoking and her new friends aren't as cool as being yourself and being true to your real friends.

Mayumi Ozaki/ Devil Masami vs. Chigusa Nagayo/ Chikayo Nagashima:
Devil is great in this for a woman old enough to date my older brother.  I think he took her to a Christmas dance once in 1981.  He tried to get fresh during "No Stopping On The Dancefloor, Baby" and she gave him a side-suplex on the gym floor.  I think she had the King crab at Red Lobster later that night. She takes a suplex like a woman old enough to be her daughter.  Nagashima is truly fabulous as always bringing the trifecta of Lucha-Shoot-Suplexification style offenses to the fore. She is also 87 pounds soaking wet so she can be a victim to absolutely any offense you can muster against her. Devil powers out of the "Cross-Armbreaker As Keylock" hold and gets the flash pin. Pretty short but the Nagashima vs Devil parts are really nice. Postmatch they heat up the Impending Singles Match with Devil headbutting Nagashima and then taking out Sugar's knee.  Nagashima and Devil do a fabulous job of creating the riot in the ring that you've come to expect from GAEA Channels The Midsouth Coliseum In Koraken Hall This Week In Wrestling.  It gets REALLY fucking nasty at the end when Devil fucking clocks her right in the face and laughs a crazy laugh. FUN!

Akira Hokuto/ Devil Masami vs Meiko Satomura/Chikayo Nagashima:
Nagashima and Satomura are the two best workers in GAEA so as a tagteam they should rule it rule it rule it rule it.  Devil continues to bump her ass off on the way to giant knee surgery. They continue the Devil and Chikayo Mildly Annoy Each Other angle- which REALLY wilts in the light of the blazing hatred of the other two in the ring.  When Akira and Meiko hit the ring it is magic- Meiko putting the leather to akira's ribs and Akira smacking the living fudge outta Meiko.  Devil isn't afraid to take numerous Death Valley Drivers and then do fifty lucha-styled roll-ups and sell all of it like a true grapple master.  The ending is when the New Theme of old broads beat the hell out of youngsters with boards, chairs or- in the case of this match- samurai swords to set a big finisher.  Here, Devil hits a fat-ass Lyger Bomb for three.  But the KEY to this match is that while Devil is killing Nagashima, Satomura is just beating the living dogfudge out of Akira Hokuto, barely making the save for the pre-powerbomb nearfall section.  The OTHER great part is the thoroughly estrogen-drenched viciousness of when Hokuto makes her save after a last-ditch roll-up by Nagashima, Akira rips all of Nagashima's hair out in the process slamming the younguns head on the mat.  More fun postmatch as Satomura and Hokuto try to claw each other's eyes out as we all look on in true wrestling fan glee.  They have respite after they are separated.  Devil starts crushing Nagashima's skull again with headbutts and kicks Sugar's bad knee again.  WHAT A BITCH! Nagashima is aghast.  Not long enough to be good but hate-filled enough to be effective.

Akira Hokuto/ KAORU vs Lioness Asuka/ Meiko Satomura:
This match is just motherfucking great. The hatred between Meiko and Akira is in full bloom and it is just FUN FUN FUN!  KAORU and Lioness also brawl like motherfuckers.  The math is there, is the execution there?  Oooh yes.  They spill out into the crowd from the get-go with Akira Hokuto and Satomura beating the hell out of each other on the stage on the side of the building while KAORU and Lioness have at it in the ring. Lioness crushes the side of KAORU's beautiful face with kick while Hokuto does every Dangerous thing she can do on the stage. It becomes a proper match after a Lioness powerbomb on KAORU.  Lioness and KAORU roll around on the mat punching each other in the face until KAORU breaks a board over Lioness' head to get Hokuto the advantage. Akira then punches Lioness in the face and then hits the ultra spine-crinkling Northern Lights Bomb to lead to the super-beautiful full-on kick to the face by Satomura as she tries tp punt the old vixen's head off her shoulders.  Meiko Death Valley Drives the crumpled remains of Hokuto and THEN Death Valley Drives KAORU into Akira's ribcage as the HATE GOES INTO OVERDRIVE.  KAORU finally slows her down by hitting her with a board.  Meiko goes back to kicking Akira in the face and KAORU uses her kleenex-wasting pants to escape a DVD and gets a forearm in return.  They botch the toprope Cross Armbreaker spot but Akira DOESN'T botch the Pyramid Driver that kills the living hell out of Satomura.  Satomura sells it like she was Pyramid Driven by Akira Hokuto.  Lioness kicks Satomura back to offense to set up a Capo kick and DVD for two.  KAORU dropkicks Meiko in the ribs  and Akira goes for Stranglehold Gamma that Lioness breaks up.  Akira punches Lioness right in the motherfuggin face and KAORU REALLY punches Lioness right in the motherfucking face.  This leaves Meiko and Akira to stand AND SMACK THE HOLY FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER.  The third smack by Akira closes Meiko's eye and the fourth one gets the three count.  Postmatch they beat the shit out of each other some more.  This stuff is fucking great.

Joshi RULES. GET ALL THIS.

~!~


^%^%^%^% Handheld from Germany - Hanover, Germany (June 1992)
(by Phil Rippa)
One of the pleasures of the Lynch Europe and Germany list is finding the borderline video quality gems that litter the list. I think you should be able to figure out why I had Lynch toss this on the end of one of my recent purchases.

Larry Cameron/Bruiser Mastino/Dojo Yamada vs. Rambo/Klaus Kauroff/Eddy Steinblock
We have another Larry Cameron sighting. I wonder if Cameron/DiSilvo jokes are still the norm over on RSPW? Do you remember the really fat guy in the movie Road House who wore the overalls and had the bear dropped on him? Well, Bruiser Mastino looks like his half brother with the Mohawk. Eddy  Steinblock has the swanky mullet and Germany flag pants. Rambo isn't the lucha Rambo or even John Rambo. He is the German Ivan Koloff I guess because the similarities are striking.  For those of you who really want to know these things - one of the million wrestling Rambos, Nise Mike Awesome and Klaus are the faces.  Yamada is a stocky power wrestler who I think I should know. He possesses the most wrestling talent but that isn't the highest praise. Rambo takes the first fall with - a Hip Toss?!?!?!? Okay - this might be the greatest match ever. Hold up - I have just realized that this is not only an elimination match (by way of seeing Steinblock get pinned by PN Mastino) but the ref has a whistle that he blows whenever a foul is being committed. Hey - it's Germany, daddy, you go with the flow. Larry Cameron sure has perfected the punch to the belly button. This is perfectly acceptable wrestling but I grow weary. The heels end up winning with both Cameron and Mastino surviving.

Franz Schumann vs. Rip Rogers
You read that right - Franz Schumann vs. Rip Motherfucking Rogers. And to cement this as my favorite match ever - Schumann gives Rogers nipple twisters to the delight of the crowd. Oh and the ref is wearing a kilt.  If the quality wasn't so Bixish - this would be going on a comp tape somewhere. For those of you who plan on wrestling in Germany - pulling on someone's pigtails is not allowed. Rogers is in full-on  flamboyant homosexual mode as in between rounds he sips water, reapplies hair spray and deodorant and limbos up like he was about to bust out into a rendition of Swan Lake.  The wrestling is really fun as Schumann works over the arm and Rogers drops the great looking elbow and has the really good DDT. I am really starting to yen for all the Rip Rogers no matter where he wrestles. While very enjoyable - I was disappointed that this affair didn't last longer (Schumann takes it in what I think was the third fall after a cross-body block). Schumann seemed very unsure what to do with Rogers and so was very hesitant to do anything other than throw some punches, work the arm and cop a feel. Rogers winging a makeup bag at Franz makes it all worthwhile though.

Battle Royal
A Battle Royal. In Germany. Well it is joined in progress with the last three people being Schumann, Fit Finlay and Tony St. Clair. Finlay being the heel, eliminates both faces to win. Wait.... heel at disadvantage. Eliminates both faces to win. It's Germany DADDY! At least Schumann took a really big bump when he was eliminated

Fit Finlay vs. Tony St. Clair – Irish Street Fight
This is the oddest street fight I have ever seen – and it isn’t because I never realized how much St. Clair looks like Steve Doll. I mean for a Street Fight, there sure was a lot of ref whistle blowing and disallowing of choking with a chain. Finlay spends the first half of the match working over St. Clair’s temple in that great “We are in Germany and they love to see me punch you in the face” kinda way. St. Clair gets brief flurries of offense (including some of the best European uppercuts I have ever seen) but this is basically Finlay’s show.  There is a little too much Finlay-tries-to-remove-the-turnbuckle-moments and the Eastern European rules lead to much confusion. (Bill Barnwell and I argued in the chat over who had weirder matches, England or Germany, but Vike insists it is Norway so now I want tape. St. Clair gets busted open, so at that at least fits the Irish Street Fight hype. Finlay gets counted out after doing the standard Finlay wastes his shoulder on the ring post spot. Truly entertaining. There is a bunch sketchier quality looking Clair/Finlay is a weirdo stip matches that are on Lynch’s list that I will probably break down and buy.

~!~

$%$%$%$%$% GAEA  G-Panic 5/5/01 (taped 4/22 Osaka) 6th Anniversary
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Mayumi Ozaki/Akira Hokuto vs Sugar Sato/Chikayo Nagashima
This match set the tone of the whole Anniversary show- not very good.  Sugar is on one knee and this match is to get her some time off. The OZ vs Nagashima and Hokuto is not very hatefilled at all at this point.  The upside is that Akira is a thorough bitch in this, going right after Sugar's knee- and that's pretty much the story. Nagashima is spunky trying to hold off the onslaught on her partner's knee and it gets to the super NWA 85 by-numbers match of Nagashima being face in peril and not wanting to tag in because her partner is hurt- but her partner gets in anyway to further injure herself.  Sugar sells the knee while on offense- hitting a series of comical belly-bucks and her own knee-bashing based offense. It all goes awry when Nagashima tries a plancha and accidentally crushes Sugar. Akira goes old school 93 on their asses with the somersault plancha on the punks and Sugar is kneeless.   Akira and OZ concentrate on beating the hell out of Nagashima now that she is isolated- with OZ going shotay-crazy.  Nagashima fights like a motherfucker against OZ, hitting some roll-ups and Northern Lights Bomb before getting a two count with her own Tequila Sunrise Suplex.  OZ uracans her way to a tag and the beatdown begins. Nagashima is all fighting spirit and embers as OZ keeps driving her into the mat with Fisherman Busters. Sugar limps in and finally makes the save, dragging her partner to the corner and sealing her own fate. Akira and OZ ravage Sugar's knee like a pack of wolves. Sugar in agony kicks out at two after a Uracan.  Nagashima drags OZ to the top and Sugar gets in a powerbomb that Nagashima tops off with a doublestomp, but Sugar can't maker a g! ood cover so OZ hits another Urican for two. OZ toprope doublestomps the knee but Sugar reverses a Scorpion Deathlock attempt into a flashpin.  Hmmmm... If you go by the NWA textbook, Nagashima throws in the towel after Sugar is caught in the Scorpion Deathlock. They didn't, which is surprising.  Better than it had any right to be though.

Devil Masami vs KAORU
KAORU is not afraid to have a match that is "otherly good" sometimes.  What I mean is that it isn't a technically good match but it is so creepy and odd that it crosses over into a different realm of the art of professional wrestling. KAORU is dressed in seqins and bowas- a glam sex-kitten poised and purring- her shag cut making her all the world like a female Faces-era Rod Stewart. Superheel Devil Masami is pale and hideous as her figure cuts into the dry ice rising around her- an aging demon.  As they lose the robes, KAORU is wearing low-rider silver pants and matching silver and black halter- a sixties Japanese SciFi seductress, her red lipstick making her catlike hiss pop out of the corner as she strikes a feline pose.  KAORA is agility and sexuality as she perches on the turnbuckle and snarls as she hits a forearm to Devil's temple.  Devil's face becomes a mask again as she goes cross-eyed and enraged. Devil smacks the minx and Superplexes her to the mat.  KAORU recovers and scurries on all fours to the corner to get to Masami's sword. Masami wins the race and the catlike KAORU writhes on the mat slowly to get out of the way.  KAORU gets to her feet and feigns a knucklelock before kicking Devil's hand and scurrying on all fours again to the try to get to the apron. Devil whacks her on the best part of her silver pants and KAORU grins while rubbing her hinder.  Devil whacks her on her leg to try to control her endless agility but KAORU snaps out of a Powerbomb attempt and lands on her feet, whacking the lumbering Devil with a board.  Devil recovers from the bashing and throws KAORU over the toprope onto the catwalk to the ring.  Raining down headbutts on her prey, Devil is grim while KAORU hisses back and then answers with forearms and broken boards across her head.  The third board meets it's mark on Devil's head and Devil tumbles off the catwalk.  When she reappe! ars, she is greated by a tenacious attack by KAORU, an attack that drive Devil's eyes back into her head as she is in ecstasy over the taste and feel of her own blood.  KAORU senses her weakened state and pounces- hitting an excaliber on the walkway.  Devil stares into space- past the ceiling, past the world.  KAORU is heartless and adorable as she piles the Devil on the table and plunges through Devil and the table to the floor- KAORU's paisley lace and lithe feminine figure deny the calculated cruelty she can exact on her opponent, as she Excalibers Devil again. With childlike glee, she incites the crowd to join her in spirit as she finishes off Devil on the pile of boards. Devil comes back to earth and fights back, powerbombing her prey and nemisis.  KAORU uses her fourth or fifth life and pops up to hit another Excaliber.  KAORU plays with her fallen prey and tries to hit a board-holding moonsault but Devil impales her on her own board by getting her feet up. Devils' face is a grim mask again as she tries to get in a brainbuster- but KAORU turns it into a DDT and another Excaliber. KAORU claws at the referee after the two count. Devil is spent and flailing, with her sword hitting her mark in KAORU's midsection.  Devil goes into a frenzy and headbutts the table that KAORU had set up.  After the headbutts had broken it in to, Devil takes the broken table and bashes the felicity out of KAORU and gets the three count as they both lay sprawled and spent at the end of the encounter.

Saika Takeuchi vs Sakura Hirota
This is a series of roll-ups.

Toshie Uematsu vs Toshiyo Yamada
These can be good because Yamada really fucking rocks AND Toshie Uematsu really fucking rocks. They tend to punch each other in the face a bunch and kick each other really hard and we all know how much fun that can be. Yamada backdrops Toshie on her head and it's fun.  Toshie knees Yamada in the face and it's fun. Toshie tries one of those fancy Locomotion Double Wrist Suplexes but Yamada stops it by kicking Uematsu in the face.  Uematsu gets a Dragon for two and goes for another that Yamada blocks by elbowing her dead in the face. Yamada punches her in the face for two. Yamada goes for her Samoan Drop but Toshie rolls it up into a flashpin. Longer would be more fun.  Too short to be fun.  Or good.

Meiko Satomura vs Dynamite Kansai
Hey, Kansai has a perm.  Satomura uses a fancy spinning elbow. Kansai uses a fabulous array of headcrushing power moves to make up this wee wisp of a match.  She hits a pretty great piledriver and she follows it up with a suitably terrifying toprope double stomp. After exchanging submissions, Satomura hits a DVD. Kansai WILL kick ya right in the teeth just to see the look on your face- and she sets up a gnarly Niagra Driver with said kick.  Kansai will also kick you in the head right after kicking you in the teeth to set up a Niagra Driver. I dig Kansai.  She's limited but she's all tough and shit.  Satomura Yamazakis a headlock out of a backdrop.  Kansai tries to get Satomura up for the coolest named move in all of wrestling- a Diehard Kansai (edging out Towerhacker Powerbomb and Stardust Press)- but Satomura double cappo kicks her way to freedom and into a DVD for two. Kansai will knock out all of Meiko's babyteeth with a lariat and sets up an Argentine Backbreaker with it.  Meiko slithers out and gets in a DVD and two cappo kicks that Kansai leans into like a champ for two. A DVD later and we have the slight upset.  9:49 is not to say this is good.  Twice as much kicking and beating and you have a winner. 2 short 2 B good.

Chigusa Nagayo/Lioness Asuka vs Aja Kong/Kyoko Inoue
Hmmmm. The most impressive part about the first part of this match is the fact that Chigusa can get Kyoko up into position for a DVD.  It impressed me like when I was a child and Ken Patera wound stop a car with legs.  Kyoko WILL bump like a champ. Aja come in and funtime is over as she beats the fuck out of Chigusa. Aja also hits the most painful tope in the history of large Japanese women landing on slightly smaller Japanese women- as Aja takes out Lioness and a random trainee bystander.  Aja also hits the phattest toprope elbow drop on Lioness.  Lioness fires back with a mat-punishing Iconoclasm on Aja.  Kyoko runs in and Aja has time to hit a nasty nasty urican on Lioness and then accidentally caves in Kyoko's head with an errant Urican.  Lioness hits a Towerhacker Powerbomb on Kyoko.  Aja crushes Lionesses head to allow Kyoko to hit a very nice Tiger Driver. Chigusa kicks Kyoko in the head and Lioness crushes young Kyoko with an LSD and thats that. Wha?

Get the KAORU match for the pants and the writhing.  The rest you can live your whole life without seeing.

~!~

%^%^%^%^ GAEA G-Panic 5/12/01 (taped 4/29 Kawasaki)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Chigusa Nagayo vs Miyuki Maeda
Miyuki is tall and green, like a redwood sapling. This would be a rookie discipline match.  You never want to watch these.

Toshie Uematsu/ Saika Takeuchi vs Sakura Hirota/ Police
In a very special episode, Sakura starts writing a gossip column for the school newspaper and writes unflattering comments about her best friends- Melissa (Momoe Nakanishi) and Zack (Danny Pitauro).  Toshie Uematsu kicks her in the face until she stops calling Melissa "bug eyes". Sakura apologizes and realizes her journalism doesn't have to interfere with her ability to be a good friend.

Aja Kong/ KAORU vs Dynamite Kansai/ Toshiyo Yamada
This should be good.  Kansai starts with the claw early just to annoy me.  She then starts kicking Aja in the face a whole bunch just to make me happy again. Aja milks a three-count after a Niagra Driver like a pro. KAORU is smaller than Kansai but beating her with a board is the equalizer as ALL of Kansai's innards are mushed flat by the TRES TRES ugly Toprope Elbow By Aja. Aja lands on her like they are gonna go through floor of Koraken hall. AJA RULES.  Kansai is the toughest motherfucker on earth for getting up after that.  KAORU is pesky and gleeful wacking Kansai with the boards and in a beautiful moment, Aja urican's KAORU to get her the hell out of the ring.  Aja backhands Kansai for two.  Kansai does a weak looking legsweep and kick to the head- especially compared to everything up to this point.  Aja brings it back to the same level by crushing Kansai with a 4/4 legit Urican. Aja drops the gloves and does it again for the three.  Odd and not long enough.  KAORU beats the life out of Aja postmatch.

Kyoko Inoue vs Lioness Asuka
These two have had some REALLY great matches against each other the last couple years.  When they wrestle a super hard style match like Lioness likes to wrestle and if Kyoko is up for taking the bumps, it is some of the best wrestling you'll ever see.  The first part of the match is Kyoko getting just PAISTED continuously by Lioness with heel kicks.  Kyoko gets the offense by throwing the decourated table of Lioness at Lioness while Lioness was planning the double stomp.  Kyoko goes old school with the Superplex, misses a lariat and gets kicked to the floor.  The key to all their other matches is how insane the bumps are when they hit the floor- as Kyoko will make you fall in love all over again if she takes a double stomp off the toprope through a table to the floor or- the best ever- off the Koraken balcony through a table to the floor.  Here, Kyoko takes the bodyslam onto the connected chairs and belly to back suplex on the floor.  They wrestle as they wander and Lioness uses elbow smashes to set up a table spot.  Kyoko will fucking go the extra mile.  Lioness motherfucking CRUSHES her with a double stomp off the top turnbuckle through the table to the floor. Kyoko then takes a HARD Iconoclasm and then a Towerhacker for two.  Jesus.  Lioness sets up the table for a Superplex through it but Kyoko counters and pushes Lioness through it. Kyoko follows up with a powerbomb for two and they both sell the immense damage. They make it to their feet and start elbowing each other in the head.  Kyoko gets a two count with a lariat and goes for a second that Lioness counters by CRUSHING Kyoko's skull with a kick to the head. Kyoko hits a lariat and hits a Thunder Fire Powerbomb for two that she follows with a big lariat. Lioness kicks out of a Niagra Driver and misses with the Red Mist.  Kyoko crushes Lioness with a lariat and gets the win.  This match was really good.  Kyoko w! ill sacrifice her body when it comes to these matches with Lioness- and eventhough this is probably the second least of all the matches in this very impressive series- the way Kyoko will take any bump neccessary to make this a memorable match is what is the key.  In other words, it's a very Lioness match but it would only work if Kyoko gets as inspired as she gets for these matches.  You can never write Kyoko off.
(Editor's Note: Rippa wrote a really bad review of this is #130. Go read that if you are bored.)

Chikayo Nagashima vs Devil Masami
Devil ruins her knee mid match and they stop the match. I hope Devil comes back and keeps up her late career surge because this isn't the way she wants to go out, I'm sure.

Mayumi Ozaki vs Chigusa Nagayo
OZ and Chigusa had a great match once, but OZ ripped her pants and it kinda killed the ending as she put on some sweatpants to finish.  They've never come close since. Here, Chigusa is about to go under the knife for her shoulder so OZ works on the shoulder. Chigusa no-sells a bunch of Uricans and gets a few sleepers in.  Chigusa does do the super fun Dusty Rhodes punches to the face.  OZ does some cool things to work on the shoulder- Somoan Drop counter into a crucifix, the wrenching, the wringing.  OZ hits the supersexy-looking Mechanical Bull Fujiwara Armbar for the win and OZ takes the big man home by flipping off the crowd after finally being pried off Chigusa well after the tap-out. It was like a both middlefinger flip off like a true redneck chick would do.  OZ rules.

Meiko Satomura vs Akira Hokuto
This match is absolutely GREAT. I really loved the Aja vs Meiko Satomura matches and I think this match mines the same area of psychology and story-telling- but the intensity of the rivalry and the whole backstory takes this match to a much higher place in my personal GAEA panthenon of favorite matches. Akira is masterful all through this, setting the level of selling for the submissions, setting the level of stiffness and pacing the whole match to hit its peaks at the most opportune times.  Meiko Satomura shows her greatness by matching Hokuto's level of selling and level of stiffness and is really great at knowing when to fire back hard in her comebacks. The cool thing is watch Satomura play the babyface underdog like Chigusa used to play the babyface underdog in the 80s against Matsumoto, but now with opponents with the far superior in-ring ability of Aja and Hokuto.  Akira starts the match quickly by both smacking each other upside the head, with Meiko getting in a string of kicks before Akira smacks the fuck out of Satomura twice to then hit the Ishikawa-Killing-Ikeda-in Young Generation Final '99-level perfectly grotesque Death Valley Driver to set up her first shot at the overiding submission of choice for both in the match- Stranglehold Gamma. Satomura sells the damage but counters out with a German and REALLY lays the kicks to Akira's back. Akira Hokuto doesn't run the ropes, opting to collapse Satomura's orbital socket with a crazed smack to the head- a substitute for the short lariet. Satomura counters out hitting her own Short Lariet substitute the Jumping Somersault kick to the head that Akira leans into like Akira fucking Hokuto will do. Akira fights out the DVD attempt to latch on a Triangle Hold but Mieko makes the ropes. Satomura tries to set up toprope manuever with forearms to the head but Akira rip at Meiko's hair and drags her to the mat.  Akira tries to go to the top but Mieko grabs ! hair and kicks her in the head and hits THE FUCKING NASTIEST BACKWARDS SOMERSAULT KICK YOU WILL EVER SEE.  Akira goes limp and Satomura sells the shoulder so Akira can get to her feet.  Satomura comes off the toprope with a Rolling Elbow but Akira catches her and sinks in the DEEP Fujiwara Armbar until Meiko hits the ropes. Akira slings her to the floor and Meiko writhes in agony while trying to move her arm.  As Meiko crawls in the ring, Akira chops her across the mouth and Satomura fires back with kicks until finally smacking Akira across the face to go for the Cross-Armbreaker that Akira counters and then a try at the Stranglehold Gamma that Akira turns into an anklelock until Meiko hits the ropes. Akira tries for a Scorpion Deathlock but Meiko counters into her own that Akira counters into an STF.  Meiko crawls to the ropes as Akira pulls back.  Satomura tries to back her way out a Pyramid driver but misses the kick, allowing Akira to kick Meiko in the face and then rareback and REALLY kick Meiko in the face.  Akira takes to the toprope and hits a double kick and THEN hits a FUCKING NASTY Pyramid Driver to set a longer Stranglehold Gamma.  Notice that Akira has made the match spiral into longer and longer submissions.  It starts with lots of strikes to set up small forays into submissions, but the farther you go into the match, the strikes are less prominent and their purpose is to set up the drama of the submission.  By this point, Satomura hits a DVD to set up her own Stranglehold Gamma, and Akira takes to the floor to try and recover.  Meiko elbows her when she gets back on the apron and hits two Germans to set up her Frogsplash- which Akira block with her feet. Akira limps over and T-BONES THE LIVING FUCK out of Meiko RIGHT ONTO THE TOP OF HER HEAD for two. We are now out of the submission portion and we have progressed into the KNOCKOUT portion of the match. Hokuto hits a Dangerous Backdrop for two and Meiko is out on her feet.  Akira r! uns her into the ropes and MOTHERFUCKING CRUSHES Satomura with a spin kick.  Meiko kicks out again. Akira between all of these is making the great "What do I have to do to put this punk away?" face.  Akira tries another kick but Meiko kicks her in the hamstring and just busts Akira upside the head with a kick. Akira ducks out of the way of Meiko's Somersault Backkick and cuts off Meiko's knockout sequence three strikes to the face- strikes that cause a trickle of blood down Meiko's lip as she collapses to the mat.  After a two count, Meiko gets up and fires back with a kick to the chest.  Akira smacks her again after the two count and gets another two count and Meiko fucking nails her with a kick to the head.  From here the start headbutting each other and Meiko escapes to the floor.  Akira hits her Somersault Plancha but Meiko ducks but Toshie Uematsu doesn't- slaughterizing the youth.  Meiko hits the ring, realizing that she escaped Akira's knockout blow and hits a DVD as soon as Akira hits the ring.  Akira kicks out. Meiko kicks dead in the face.  Akira kicks out.  Meiko drags Akira to her feet and hits another DVD and Akira kicks out at 2.999999.  Meiko gets the Stranglehold Gamma on and OZ freaks out trying to get in and make the save but she is held back.  Akira sells it like she is an all-time great,  looking like she is about to fade and then surging for the ropes with her foot.  Meiko kicks her in the straight in the face again. Three times Akira smacks Meiko while Meiko kicks her thigh so that they both collapse in agony. The fourth time Akira lands on top and gets a two count. They slowly make it to their feet and Akira crushes her with a Northern Lights Bomb but they both collapse in a heap.  The ref makes the ten count and Meiko makes it to her feet at ten while the rendered useless thigh of Hokuto keeps her on the mat.  Fucking brilliant match.  It starts fast and continually built to the hard, logical fini! sh.  There is no point in the match where it doesn't build directly to the finish.  The selling, the strikes, the submissions all pointed to the way it finished- the economy of moves and set-up of moves and counters was nearly flawless.  The sheer ferocity of the action was harrowing like no other match I've seen this year.  Akira Hokuto pulled out one last great match before retirement and Meiko showed that she is the best wrestler of her generation.   YOU WANT EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF THIS.

~!~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!There's no turning back now- I'm under attack now- I see the skies are open
And I hear the word spoken- SINGLES GOING STEADY You only perceive
what you believe- You need only believe to believe- What do you know?- What do you know?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kodo Ricky Samson Morton Jericho Fuyuki vs. Superstar Hayabusa - Iron Man Match
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
Tom came over and we break out the beer to watch this bad boy. There is something legitimately daunting in preparing to watch a 60 minute match, that is a whole barrell load of wrestling, and this is FMW heavyweight wrestling, which has not always been a shining beacon of quality. I had heard good things about this match, and I wanted to see how Fuyuki, who is Nell Carter fat, could possibly wrestle for 60 minutes. Good stuff to start as they work the mat a bit, before Fuyuki powerbombs Busa through a table and smacks him with a piece of the table on the back, busting Hayabusa’s back open a bit. Hayabusa sells the back for a while, before forgetting it.  The intermittent selling by both guys throughout was one of the flaws of this match. Busa does a neat counter of Fuyuki’s lariet, dropkicking his arm and doing some nice work on that arm. He controls for a while taking Fuyuki to the floor and hitting a swanky tope-con-hilo over the ring apron. Busa gets some two counts, but they shift quickly and Fuyuki hits a neat looking Samoan Drop for a pin at about a half an hour. He immediately tries for another pin, which is a spot I really like in Ironman matches. I am all for the concept of trying to rack up multiple falls when your opponent is stunned. Fuyuki doesn’t get the immediate pin but then he hits a cool running lariet for another pin. At this point Fuyuki completely forgets about the arm, which he had been selling for about 20 minutes. Kodo rips off Busa’s mask revealing his creepy smack addict male prosty face, ick- leave his mask on, please. Busa comes back after obviously blading on a chairshot, to get a pin with a sub Devon Storm Emerald Erosion. They do a great outside section with Busa missing an Asai moonsault, landing on his feet and getting hit with a lariet, then Fuyuki goes up and hits a freaking plancha, that was awesome.  It was like a moose falling off a building. Busa tries to make it back but gets knocked off the ring apron and gets counted out- which has to be the first count out in FMW history. Hayabusa gets two quick falls back, hitting a victory roll out of a German suplex attempt and then using mist and two 450 splashes to tie it at 3-3. The next five minutes or so, I really didn’t care for, Hayabusa no-sells a released German suplex, which sucks it raw no matter who does it. Then they do a crappy brawling section in the crowd, including the weakest table spot I have ever seen. Fuyuki and Busa are brawling on a stage and, Fuyuki smashes H with a chairshot, then Hayabusa does a freefall spot, except that he falls about 2 feet onto a table, it looked ridiculous and made me snort. I can forgive 4 bad minutes in a 60 minute match though. The last 8 minutes were really great with multiple near falls and finally some crowd heat. They end in a draw which isn’t my favorite but okay in this setting. Good stuff for the most part, and a freaking amazing performance from Fuyuki who really carried the match and worked a fast-paced hour-long match despite having a downright Larry Flyntish physique.

Cactus Jack vs Paul Orndorff - Street Fight- WCW
(by PHIL RIPPA)
Rob Vincent - being King of Kings - gave Dean all this wrestling that Dean never watched. So Marcel and I reaped the rewards. Amongst the tapes I grabbed was one entitled "Titan and Turner" and I quickly realize that I had seen it before as I had reviewed the Steamboat/Pillman lumberjack match. (The tape also has the great Steamboat/Flair Town Hall where they take questions from the fans). But it did have the Jack/Orndorff match which Jack talks about in his book. This is a really fun fight but I enjoy it more because it had so many things that I miss about wrestling. It had the guys treating the match as a come as you are fight. .The match actually made sense as Harley Race was looking for the toughest SOB to replace Ric Rude in the Clash Thunderdome match- so he got two bruisers to beat the snot out of each other to earn their spot. It featured a lot of brawling in the ring which meant the participants had to actually be smart in how they layed out the match. They couldn't hide parts of inactivity by wandering through the crowd. I will take face rakes and eye scraps over crowd wandering any day of the week. They actually had to do some work. But most importantly, this started the Jack face turn and the feud with Vader. You know, I know that Jack says that Orndorff thanked him for helping get back with the company but I think that either Orndorff sold himself short or Jack was just using Mr. Wonderful to put himself over (I will let you draw your own conclusions). The reason I say this is that Orndorff looks fucking great here as he bumps like a freak, letting none of his injury problems slow him down. They really should have used more of Paul the ass stomper but again WCW was run by medicated chimps.

Genricho Tenryu vs. Keji Muto
(by PHIL SCHNEIDER)
My initial reaction when I heard that Muto won the triple crown title was one of disgust. I had just watched the atrocious Muto v. Murakami match from the Zero One PPV, and I figured that Muto was completely shot, he looked just like Dragonmaster Kendo Nagasaki and appeared to be even worse than him on the mat. Then the hype started, people whose opinions I trust started calling this a MOTY and talking about how awesome their performance was. So I tried to figure out how a cripple and a senior citizen could have a MOTY, I figured it would be really stiff and simply worked with a couple of hot near falls near the end, sort of like Tenryu v. Shinya Hashimoto or Muto v Kensuke Sasaki. Instead you have a match which is paced a lot more like a late 90’s NJ Junior match with big athletic spots and bumps being done by my grandfather and the Doglegs world champion. Muto comes out in his bizzaro Ken Kesey magic bus coat, with drawings all over it that makes him look like he is a member of a stable led by MPRO’s Magic Man. The combination of the hippy coat and his current G. Gordon Liddy appearance makes him look like a weird amalgamation of the early 70’s, a walking leitmotif of those turbulent times. The match starts awesome, with Muto hitting a flash Shining Wizard. One of the big improvements in Muto’s game recently has been the knee to head, which looked like a bronco buster when he first started doing it, now looks really brutal and he crushed Tenryu with it. There is one section early in the match which elicited three separate “Holy Fuck” chants from me watching it by myself. Tenryu was on the ring apron battling with Muto over a suplex, hobbly takes a lunatic bump over the top to the floor, then the Puro Bob Hope goes and drills Muto with a fucking tope. The both get up and go to the ring apron and Muto dragons screws Tenryu to the floor. I mean this was nuts, you have limpy and Methuselah doing workrate joshi. The whole match had spots like that, Tenryu doing a Spider German Suplex, Tenryu hitting a freaking top rope rana and Muto hitting a pescada. There was also cool psychologically based spots, Muto used a lot of neat looking dropkicks where Tenryu was on the ground. They also had a great near fall, where Tenryu lifts Muto up for a Northern Lights Bomb and Muto counters it with a nasty Shining Wizard. Then Muto shows he is really certifiable by doing a moonsault, which has got to be difficult on his paper mache knees. This match may be the best Triple Crown title change ever, which is a miracle considering the great wrestlers who have held that belt and the physical state of the workers in this match. Muto is on one of the weirdest resurgences I have ever seen, if the rumors of him hitting ***+ with Steve Williams are true he looks like he might move into the top ten in the DVDVR 500, considering we didn’t rank him at all on the last one, makes this the comeback of the century.

Crush Gals vs. Marine Wolves (4/27/89 - WWWA Tag Team Championship)
(by MARCEL HILLE)
Rippa and I visited Dean’s tapes last Friday - I think Dean showed up Saturday afternoon, I can’t recall.  Anyway, look what fell into my lap there - A young Akira (my favorite joshi worker ever, well her and Aja) gets to mix it up with the legendary tag team in the midst of their popularity with the schoolgirl set.  A best-of-three-falls display of spunkiness and youth against surliness and not-quite-youth-anymore.  I’m excited.  Marine Wolves come out to a decidedly mild reaction.  Entirely understandable, given the opposition.  Crush Gals get the Jeff-Hardy-with-no-shirt pop and a very loud “CHI-GU-SA!  AS-U-KA!” chant in the same tone of voice.  I love 80s AJW, but I will never get used to the overness with the schoolgirls.

As Primera Caida gets ready to start, I turn away for a second for a drink of water. The bell ringing to end the first fall snaps me back to attention, rewinding - Okay, handshake before the bell rings, but Akira shows some of that spunk with a kick to Chigusa’s leg and a Dragon Suplex to take the first fall!  Lioness is dumbfounded and frozen on the apron, sure her teammate wouldn’t take the plunge so early.  Akira’s suitably elated and Chigusa’s suitably pissed.

Segunda Caida begins with Team Crush beating up Akira but good. Early highlight is a NASTY Vegematic with a Chigusa knee instead of a legdrop.  Wolves regain the advantage eventually, complete with Suzuka underwhelming with a not-so-good Top-Rope Dropkick.  Akira looks to not quite nail a German Suplex, which then makes sense, with Chigusa grabbing an arm and trying to take it home with her.  Cool - a little thing like not popping off the suplex with enough energy leads to the opening to grab an armbar.  I love little stuff like that.  Suzuka interferes here and there to try and stop the Akira arm-wrenchery and ass-stomping, but no dice.  She then tags in and then eats an 11-revolution…..Giant……Swing….(which may be my least favorite wrestling move ever) from Lioness, who dumps her in her corner.  As opposed to trying to break up the pin, Akira stays out and reaches for a tag.  Suzuka would come in and interfere for Akira, and then Akira lets her get pinned?  Don’t get that at all.

Tercera Caida!  Suzuka still gets beat up!  Akira tags in and bring the German Suplex thing full-circle by actually nailing it this time and getting a nearfall.  Enough of that - back to killing Minami, as she eats a nasty powerbomb, piledriver and another powerbomb in short order.  Another awesome little thing - Lioness goes for a Scorpion on Suzuka and Akira comes in to break it up.  While this is going on, Suzuka is trying to stop Lioness from turning over for the Scorpion by posting her hand on Lioness’ free leg.  As the ref shoes Akira back to the corner, Chigusa comes in and kicks Suzuka’s leg off of Lioness, allowing her to turn over into a real stretchy-looking Scorpion.  I could see Tully and Arn doing shit like that.  Sleeperholds and Dragon Sleepers ensue, all sold as well as you’d expect from these guys.  The Wolves bust out a Double Sleeper - a cool spot that I hadn’t seen before.  Suzuka comes in and badly blows a senton on Chigusa, looking to have broken her face.  Ugly move there.  Akira and the ref check on Chigusa while trying to play it off.  Lioness gives her a breather, tagging in for two spin kicks on Akira.  Chigusa tags back in and takes it home with an Enzuilariato on Akira.

I was thinking early on that this would end up being a Discipline match after the first fall, but it actually became an even match at the end.  Fun match, brought down in my eyes only by the…..Giant….Swing…..and Suzuka clearly being the worst of the four.  Don’t let those two things discourage you from tracking this one down, though.
 
EAGLE PRO-WRESTLING Independent Cruiser Class Tournament -7/23/2000- INSTALLMENT 2 OF 14. 
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
First Round: GENTARO (WYF) vs Nagase-Kancho (TAMA):
What a dream it will be when DVDVR #144 comes out and you can finally find out who wins this tourney (if you already know KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT!) LAST TIME AT THE EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNAMENT: What did we talk about last time?  Hmmmm... ring like cover of bb gun box.... Great Takeru vs Asian Cougar right in the middle of everything... Grace the ref still hot as hell... AND HERE WE ARE! Nagase-Kancho is wearing boxing gloves and that CAN'T be good.  Is Mr T gonna show up and be special ref? GENTARO is of course the former much cooler named Fighting Machine TARO.  Tens of tens of streamers hit the ring during introductions.  There are more people cleaning them up than were thrown.  Kancho punches and kicks the young high-flyer- really giving him the business in the corner.  GENTARO (who wears pink and black tights) goes on offense with a Russian Legsweep and then hits a nice Senton and Springboard Splash.  Kancho kicks his way to freedom, get full mount DROPS THE GLOVES! and gets to punching! He then procures the sleeper and one can only hope for full-Dusty comeback.  He gets a ropebreak and I am despondent.  It's kicks and kicks and kicks until GENTARO hits a backdrop.  GENTARO has a kick too, but his is a SUPERKICK! and the SUPERKICK ALWAYS WINS!  This was perfectly fine.  See you next time!

~!~

Wrestler of the Issue: Terry Gordy
TERRY GORDY vs KILLER KHAN- TEXAS DEATHMATCH- WORLD CLASS 1984
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
I really love this match.  Terry Gordy brawls like a motherfucker and Killer Khan is the most underrated ass-stomper in all of 80s Texas and Japan. Kerry is special refferee and Bill Mercer rambles on commentary.  It's a Texas Deathmatch so they really beat the fuck out of each other, with Gordy hitting the Fistdrop that fucking RULES the WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD and then BamBam freaks out in a crazy dance before bringing the mega phat-assed elbow smashes.  Gordy bumps like a fucking freak as Khan throws him through the ring- crumpling like a cardtable as he sprawls shoulder first on the floor-  and blades like a gunshot victim before he makes it back to the ring.  Khan chews on the cut and blood is fucking FLYING all over the place.  Khan starts punching away to set his backbreaker up which he uses to set up his fucking DEVASTATING Kneedrop. You pick that up in Japan- the backbreaker to set up your finisher (see Mutoh). Khan was the main ingredient in the only Rikki Choshu match I've ever gotten really excited about.  Killer Khan motherfucking RULED.  Khan gets the pinfall but Gordy has thirty seconds to answer the bell. Terry Gordy answers the bell and but he looks like a whole lot of blood is flying out of his head in really large clumps.  Khan rips at his head but Gordy throws him out of the ring and Khan finds the blade and we have full-blown double bladejob blood spewing all over the length and breadth of the ring as they start beating the holy living dogfuck out of each other. Gordy with a Western Lariat and the Piledriver for the pinfall. WILL KHAN ANSWER THE BELL? Yes he does and the gushing blood continues. Gordy with the powerslam and the second rope forearm drop for two.  Ribbons of blood are streaming down from the top of Khan's bald head- as if his head were a grotesque maypole and the blood were dancing down his head to the ground.  He does the four finger thrust to the throat and drops the legdrop for two.  They battle for the Suplex, jockeying for leverage until Gordy punches Khan in the stomach and crushes the Killer with a Vertical Suplex for two.  Khan kicks him right in the groin but misses  the kneedrop off the second rope- forcing all the blood in his KNEE  to spout OUT OF HIS HEAD.  I think Killer Khan bladed his heart.    Gordy starts with the Oriental Spike on Khan and Khan can't answer the bell when Kerry pulls him off.  Missing Link runs in and Kerry and Terry beat him down.  Terry and Kerry shake hands at the end and everyone cries.  Terry Gordy fucking ruled.

Ted DiBiase vs. Terry Gordy - Georgia Championship Wrestling
(by PHIL RIPPA)
Mike Parkhurst gave me this Best of Terry Gordy tape and after skimming through the 40 Gordy vs. Kevin Von Erich matches, I found this. Who knows what fucking year this is but it is a really great brawl that starts off with Hayes challenging the moustache-less DiBiase. Hayes turns tail and the 14-year old Gordy jumps at the chance to lay out a beating. Gordy, swanky fat guy perm and all, and DiBiase burn though a great three minute slugfest. The ending gets all screwy and great as the Birds start to run in but a face Robert Fuller evens the side for DiBiase. Then a big fat Hillbilly runs in (please don't make me watch the tape for a fifth time) and the Birds dish out a stuff piledriver which wasn't so much an angle as it was the Freebirds fusing his 3rd and 4th verterbrate because he is such a load shoot. The crowd goes wild and Gordon Solie waxes poetic, or something.

Steve Williams/Terry Gordy vs. Stan Hansen/Danny Spivey- 12/7/90 - Real World Tag Team League
(by MARCEL HILLE)
Cut to Nippon Budokan for the end of the 1990 Tag League and a look at Bam Bam in the thick of a great run for him.  No having to bump for Cowboy Bill Watts walking tall in the Tulsa Convention Center, no having to make Brian Adias look like an actual Professional Wrestler, just the Miracle Violence Connection looking at some guys across the ring and kicking their asses.  This team added a lot to the stew of All Japan at this point - rough and tumble brawlers (who could, ya know, wrestle) that the fans loved, which made for interesting crowd reactions. Actually, the crowd loves all four guys here, but they - and I love them for this - know their collective cue and aren’t afraid to play along and boo anyone that makes with the heel stuff.  Which both teams alternate when not making with the babyface stuff.  The crowd is jacked from beginning to end here- maybe for the end of the Tag League and thus the All Japan year, maybe for the MVC, maybe for Spivey’s mullet, I can’t be sure.

The match started off with the traditional All Japan slow build and took its sweet time getting to the end, constantly radiating heat and emotion - both teams wanted the other team beaten into the ground so they could claim the big-ass trophies and big-ass fake check for themselves.  With this four, this is going to damn well be a power match, but it was done with energy, emotion and everything in this match meant something.  For instance, the crowd popped and deservedly so for  Williams turning a Spivey Bulldog into a Backdrop Suplex.  Also for Doc hitting Hansen with a cross-bodyblock and sailing out of the ring and into the safety rail.  Gordy later missed a similar charge and just ate turnbuckle.  Not too soon after this the realization comes that Terry Gordy might be the largest, rowdiest Ricky Morton I’ve ever seen.  Took me a while to get my arms around that one, but was confirmed as Gordy is taking all the beatings and trying to make big comebacks through a heat segment, right there on my TV screen.  Gordy busted out the Powerbomb That I Would Never Want To Take for one said comeback and the crowd wets themselves.  After he finally manages a tag, Gordy gets taken out by Hansen at ringside and isn’t involved in the finish, (Doc ducks a Hansen charge for a Lariat and gets the pin off the Oklahoma Stampede) but Gordy’s work here had already made an impact on me.  Actually, all four guys did, as Doc was Doc and all the big, burly power moves that entails, Hansen was Hansen and all the ass-kicking (Favorite Elbowdrop ever, BTW) that entails, and Spivey fit right in here.  The crowd popped for him when he hit the ring and when he showed his toughness, which makes me kinda wonder how’d he have fared there full-time if given the shot, but I digress.  Really great match that’s high up on the list of Gordy matches - You know what you need to do with this one.

One more thing about Gordy.  I’ve recently watched some Watts UWF where he was booked as the biggest muscle in the promotion, he was the top dog, and was going to remain so until someone took him down.  Big departure here, as he’s on much more equal footing here and has to win as opposed to just having to not lose.  I knew I loved this match from previous viewings, but just realized this aspect of it as  I rewatched in order to say a few words on Bam Bam.  I honestly came away with a greater appreciation for his work.  Fly High, Freebird - You will be missed.

Terry Gordy vs. Bam Bam Bigelow - ECW "Ultimate Jeopardy '96" (10/5/96)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
This is really the end of Gordy's career as he worked the battle of the Bam Bams for some magic beans and didn't look very good while doing it. You know there was a reason that this match wasn't shown on TV and you had to by one of those Best of ECW tapes.. There was a moment where I thought I was going to lose a lung laughing at Styles pimping on more than one occassion that Gordy "looked great". I actually think the exact quote was "He doesn't weight 400 lbs anymore, he is probably about 360 lbs." I knew I was in for a long haul when Bigelow and Gordy copy each other's moves which included no-selling backdrop drivers and Gordy doing one of the worst baseball slides in the history of guys with tights. Gordy's strikes are reduced to pseudo-clubbing wrist stikes to the back of the neck. Extended head lock sequences delight the crowd. Bigelow isn't afraid to work down to his opponents level and shell of a man Terry Gordy was certainly below Bigelow's level. Because this is ECW, there has to be a run-in - this one being the Eliminators taking out Gordy to give Bigelow the win. Ugh! There sure was a lot of Gordy in ECW that I want to forget about. And I am sure he joined Heyman just to cash a check. Of course, that begs a whole nother series of questions.

TERRY GORDY vs JUMBO TSURUTA - ALL JAPAN TRIPLE CROWN (6/5/1990)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Jumbo Tsuruta is possibly the greatest male wrestler ever (the answer to your question is JAGUAR motherfucking YOKOTA.) and  Terry Gordy was at his peak before the demons that chased him finally caught him and drove him into the ground. I'm assuming this would be pretty great when I found it on an old ASSORTED JAPAN 1990 tape I found while trying to do the reverse of using the matchlist to find a tape- because my tapes are in total disarray. Terry Gordy looks like a lot of good old boys look when they are chosen to be transcendentally better at something graceful and highly skilled- you can picture him eating collards at the table but you can also see the intensity as he takes in the moment of being in a land a regular redneck would never step foot in doing something not many rednecks could ever do as well.  Jumbo is suitably stoic and focused.  It starts straight out of 1975: They lock up and Jumbo works from the headlock with Gordy fighting for a vertical base.  Gordy shoots Jumbo into the ropes and misses two lariats allowing Jumbo to crush him with a High Knee- driving Gordy to the floor for escape. Gordy gets back in the ring, shoulderblocks Jumbo in the stomach and hits a running lariat- all to allow Gordy to kinda work on the arms of Jumbo on the mat until he can pin him in the ropes and hit another lariat in the corner.  Gordy goes back to the mat with a chinlock.  Jumbo powers to a vertical base and hoists BamBam up for a shinbreaker.  Jumbo goes to a Boston Crab and then a nonSpinning Toehold.  Gordy counters with a kneebar and I'm thinking that I saw this every Saturday from 6 to 7 on channel 10 when Mid-Atlantic would grace my screen.  Jumbo pins him in the corner and it finally starts heating up as Jumbo brings it with the forearms and Gordy's masterful Southern selling exagerates it just enough to make them look hellish but not enough to blow the illusion.  Gordy leans way into a Jumbo Lariat for two and then hits a True Western Lariat for two himself.  And they start on the mat again into the corner but this time Gordy misses with a Lariat  to give Jumbo the opening for a Backdrop for two- signalling the beginning of the slugfest of powermoves.  Jumbo gets in a flurry with a Lou Thesz Press for two.  Gordy sells the damage and takes a SKULL-CRUSHING piledriver for two.  Jumbo hits the Swinging Neckbreaker for two that leads directly into a 1990 Powerbomb for two.  This match is pretty straightforward because they at the same level of deadliness, thus the story-telling can become more direct, so it isn't about the craftiness and  varied offense of Misawa overcoming Jumbo like in my favorite match from the year 1990.  This stays low to the ground in comparison.   Jumbo gets the first series of knockout blows with the piledriver, the powerbomb, the neckbreaker.  After the powerbomb, Jumbo smacks himself in the head out of frustration and kicks Gordy in the head.  Gordy gets in a volley after Jumbo charges the corner as Gordy gets his boot up in Jumbo's face and follows up quickly with a Lariat and a Backdrop for two.  Gordy kicks Jumbo in the stomach and gets in his own powerbomb for two.  Jumbo cuts off Gordy's comeback by mule kicking Gordy in the head when Gordy goes for the matching piledriver.  Gordy does the old Lou Thesz thing of kicking the ropes when up in the piledriver to drive both men into the mat and we are at a stalemat.  Jumbo tries to go on offense with a Lou Thesz Press but Gordy throws him into the ropes using the Hotshot as a counter (I DUB THIS THE JUMBO-KILLER! I AM THE....WHOA!-ducks-) for two.  Gordy has him on the run but Jumbo powers out of powerslam for two.  Jumbo wants to follow up with a backdrop but Gordy turns it into a DDT for the Triple Crown.  Not a vary complicated match but one that relies heavily on Gordy's powermoves and selling to get the ending heated up sufficiently.   "Free Bird" plays in the background and indecipherable Japanese announcing is in the foreground.  That is symbolic if you think about it.

NEXT TIME: LUCHA, DADDY! (and it will be out before the 500)

THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYAZ ~
8 FISTS IN THE FACE OF WRESTLING....