GREETINGS!

Small litany of excuses as to why I wasn't A MAN and posted this right after it came on the television machine last night: I taped it because I hadn't slept in forever because Phil, Phil, Ray, Tony, JLS~!, Tim, Dave, BANE, Cowboy Wayne, Pete, Tom K, MARCEL~! and myself were travelling the world over to watch good wrestling and it was delivered in Southern Pines and that meant NO SLEEP EVER! Anyway....

The Show
Terri Gold is pissed. She wants Mystery's BIG FAT ASS! TODAY! She says, "Go to hell, McLane you Prince moustached dirtbag eel-grasping freak! (I'm paraphrasing here). Get me the match or I quit!" Since the WOW world title IS actually more prestigious than the WCW title at this point, the angle actually gets over how much Terri Gold wants the match. WOW does the little things right. (And- LISTEN TO THIS!- inside information is that- and I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS A SHOOT BROTHA!- Terri Gold is.............
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....REALLY nice and friendly when you meet her.

Yep. She's a real mark for her own gimmick~! INSIDE DIRT, DADDY~!)

Poison and Ice Cold come to a decision. They have some sort of idea that by getting the tag titles they can RUN THE TABLE! ICE COLD buys into it and we have the first WOW SUPERGROUP! LIKE EMERSON LAKE AND PALMER! Except Ice Cold and Poison don't SUCK! (Controversy = hitz~! DADDY!)
Match #1, WOW Tag Team Title Tournament: Ice Cold & Poison vs. Farah The Persian Princess & Paradise
Farrah the Persian Princess has the underdeveloped concept of an entrance video. If they had made it more of an Pakistani Disco video like they show on the Pakistani video shows on Public Access, I would have had a heart filled with love. For WOW. For you. For Farrah. My wife Angie said she would never watch this show again but she did glance over when I said that Farrah was definately a stripper by the way she would shake her lil fellas as she walked down the aisle. She said, "She was no stripper!" I can't figure out how she could be so definite about this. I'm guessing she is annoyed to the point of being contrary in regards to the ladies of WOW. McLane say "Island Girl" when talking about Paradise, but he dropped all the treble out of his voice and growls it like Charleton Heston saying, "Soylent Green is PEOPLE!" switching "PEOPLE" with "GIRL". The match itself was very WOW-great. Farrah and Paradise do pretty low altitude dropkicks and that's pretty much what they stick with, so they wrestle within themselves. They do a cool back-to-back double kicks spot that I hadn't seen since the old days of the Lone Ranger TV show from the 50s. The Lone Ranger also did a lot of Monkey Flips! JAY SILVERHEELS- WOW WRESTLING TRAINER?!?!?! It was a neat spot though. Poison and Ice Cold are a good little brawling tagteam as they go on offense- cheating, cheating, and cheating. Ice Cold is all about the Elbow Drops. Paradise is all about one-legged dropkicks and a nice Cross-body. A double Suplex gets Farrah out of the way and the double finisher Scorpion DeathDrop/ Much-Better-Than-Jerry-Saggs-At-Least Toprope Elbow Drop by Ice Cold advances them in the tournament. Poison talks shit about Patti "Le Pew" (Like Pepe? Poison accuses Patti of extended sexual harrassment bordering on sexual assault?) and Lana Star. Ice Cold says the words that David McLane wants to hear when she says, "Just give us the belts now and we'll make it easy." McLane ponders the "it" in "make it easy" and immediately gives them the belts! REALLY! I'm actually lying. This is booked really well though, because there are now a couple subtext stories to the tournament- Star/Pizzazzz vs Ice Cold/ Poison, Caged Heat being the monster tagteam, the hopefully forgotten Slam Dunk the one person tagteam angle.
Match #2: Caliente vs. Jacklyn Hyde
Okay, every guy on the internet gets all spurty and sweaty whenever Caliente is mentioned and IIIIIIIII don't see it! She does have audibly-erect nipples that could pierce Kevlar it seems and she DOES have tiny, tiny pants and... HEY! Okay, now I get it. Jacklyn Hyde is CRAZY! and it's fun! It's such a goofy gimmick and she seems to be having such a good time with that you have to love it. She also takes the first big bump of the show as she misses a big splash and hits the mat from the toprope as we head to commercials about ways for you to pay money to jack-off on the phone. The match is kinda lowgrade for the most point as they don't hit too much cleanly, but Hyde has the Crazy Look on her face the whoile time and such eye for detail is heart-warming. McLane somehow has a bizarre bout of non-sleaziness as he AMAZINGLY avoids the urge to show the Double-Camel-Toe La Tapitia by Caliente, showing only the side view- dashing the hopes of teen boys and 45 year old single men who live with their mothers everywhere. I'm guessing he realizes that to show any other view would immediately cut his audience by 90% and only Kleenex and Vaseline Intensive lotion stock prices would benefit.
Match #3: Charlie Davidson vs. Selina Majors
MAAAAN! Charley Davidson is SOOOOOO hot. I think it might be the black mascara. I might be the adorable headband. It might be the fact that she is old enough to be my daughter and I'm an old, fat pathetic cretin. Selena looks even more like the WCW era Marty Jannetty as she enters- needing only an even more Jazzercise-instructor-intensive bodysuit to complete the effect. Actually, Selna's mullet and Jannetty's mullet were married in a private ceremony in Branson, Missouri last week. The match is kinda like last weeks against EZ Rider, but here, Harley's Angels never really get anything in and it makes Selena really strong, but it kills a lot of the heels HEAT~! They should have kept with the Watts-ian idea of the heels always looking strong by the end of the show. I would say that THIs was a booking FAUX PAS! THUG continues on her hotstreak by bumping all over the place for Selena and making Selena look great. McLane gets over the fact that this is the second time Selena has a chance to even touch Thug- as every other aspect of this classic Southern angle is being pulled off in a very textbook manner.

Julie Day talks to Summer and Sandy and unless an ultrvixen is terrifying young Julie, I tend to glaze over during this shit. I think they talk about Anarchosyndicalism or something.

Commercials of a most pathetic nature...
Match #4, WOW Tag Team Title Tournament: Lana Star & Patti Pizzazz vs. Tanja, Warrior Woman & Roxy Powers
I never notice that Tanja catches arrows with her bare hands in her intro video. WOO-HOO! Could catching bullets with her teeth be far off?! THAT WOULD RULE!!!! Roxy is new to me and she is crimping-iron-drenched and seems to be a good lil worker. Tanja hits a nice reverse kicking heel spinning kicking crescent kick that was so good that I kept my mind off her comically rubberband-esque-in-coverage pants for a whole half second. They start the undercurrent of split already as Lana doesn't tag in immediately when Patti goes for the tag. Actually, Patti can kinda work and Lana is proving to be a great heat machine ("Her implants were 100% evil! And they've leaked into HER SOUL!") so together they could develop into something WOW-good, so they shouldn't break them up for a while.
Match #5, WOW World Title: Terri Gold (champion) vs. Mystery
Noel is trying to spin his Jungle Grrl call on Mystery, but noone is buying it! Eventhough it would make perfect sense! This match showed the limitations of Gold as she did THREE run-up-the-ropes crossbody blocks. If Mystery is Jungle Grrl, it shows her limitations of not wrestling like Jungle Grrl as her offense was just Irish Whips into the corner with the same crappy Kung Fu punches in the corner. The moonsault was nice and the baseball slide into Goon was nice. TERRI GOLD AHS THE BELT BACK! WHAT WILL THEY DO UNTIL FEBRUARY?!?! WHEN THEY HAVE THE PPV?!?! Hey, maybe WOW really DOES rule and it won't book completely towards the PPV like every other shitty US promotion we have.

Nothing on this was overly good in the ring, but they've had worst shows. It needed Psycho Ref and Becky or a longer Selena match or more general sleaziness/weirdness to make it memorable from an in-ring standpoint. I'm guessing they were banking in the Gold/ Mystery match being better for a main event. It wasn't so this isn't.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.