Saturday night I fell asleep after taping Iron Chef (for America's Favorite Canadian- Ollie! HE ROX~!) so I was gonna watch it Sunday after I got back from South Hill, VA- where I was meeting my Mother-in-law half way to pick up my eldest. When I got back, the CBC Grey Cup webcast was about to start and I decided that I needed to finally fix the astoundingly irritating slow drain in my bathtub. THUS I rushed out to K-Mart right before kick off and bought a pipe wrench...and it goes on and on from there.
Anyway.
Match #1: Lana Star vs. Poison
Lana is less de-bra-ed and jiggly wiggly this week and the hat is starting
to grow on me. Ya know, she's about the fourth or fifth best looking blonde
on this show- as, if I had my druthers (and all women everywhere thank
sweet baby Jesus every day that I don't) I'd have a go at Becky, Heather
Steele, EZ Rider AND Charlie Davidson before Lana Star. THERE I WOULD BE-
DISAPPOINTING ALL THE BLOND GRAPPLING BEAUTIES OF WOW WITH MY HIDEOUS,
PUNISHING LOVE! Why do get the feeling that in a REAL world, my best bet
would be to go ahead and concentrate on putting the blast on Lee Marshal
and spare myself the scarring rejection. Poison is hard and squinty the
way you like her- you pathetic freak. Poison's lariats look like dreaded
Heartpunches but all is forgiven as they feign a couple Guerrerro-Malenko
(HAHAHAHA! I'm kidding!) roll-ups. Lana sells Poison's catapultasmic offense
pretty well and Poison slithers on the mat to make it all worth our time
until they develop real wrestling chops to the point that you no longer
have to mentally undress either of the opponents to overlook the funny
dropkicks and hideous clotheslines. They hit stuff pretty okay, but neither
of these are the best grappling shakes in WOW- so Lana's cross-body block
was more like she kinda fell over sideways onto Poison- though Lana did
make Poison's comical attempt at a hiptoss look credible. WOW is full of
young wrestlers full of potential and you can see it between all the business
exposing stuff. After a while, Lana hits the Psycho Ref with her hand mirror
and I'm guessing that Psycho Ref was more than willing to hit a Triple
El Dandy blade job for MY pleasure, but that would distract from Patti
Pep running in to make the count on Lana after Poison hit a Scorpion Death
Drop Kinda. BUT PATTI LOOKS AT HER LIFE. She sees that Lana represents
what she has aspired to be since she was a JV cheerleader- a woman with
a life of glamor, of sexual intrigue, of power through this female sexuality-
A life outside the confines of giving it up to the All State Halfback until
finally succumbing to a mundane life of marriages, kids and daytime television
after Billy doesn't get that scholarship to Wisconsin and ends up at the
Brake Assembly plant. Patti sees her own life slipping away as she and
her husbands bodies go to seed and their love becomes routine and lifeless.
She sees a lifetime of regrets, a life as sexual non-entity confined to
a small life with a narrow window to the world and says to herself, "Fuck
all that. This is the wrong thing to do, but ANYTHING is better than the
right thing to do" and she gently crushes Poison with a mirror. Patti notices
that goodness and purity has stifled her and she taunts the Patti she has
just killed within herself. Drunk with the vicarious thrill of a beaten
dog getting out of the fence, she mocks and assumes the insane grin of
the good cheerleader showing the truly sexual creature underneath ready
to spring and devour. She is now a succubus in a mini-skirt and she is
finally alive. "Fuck the world, this is my world and I must make my own
way. It is an ugly world and my temporary beauty can help me get it while
I can." Patti joins Lana, her dyed-platinum blonde guide to Rest Of Her
Life out of the ring and they enter a dangerous world, but it is a danger
and possible pit of horror she welcomes and relishes. She is reborn and
finally free.
It's either all that or McLane thought that young boys would prefer to jack-off to women in their early twenties dressed as cheerleaders if the woman was an evil cheerleader instead of a good cheerleader. Either way.
Good Enough wrestling for WOW. The angle was good in that Patti Pizzazz is a good little worker and Lana is improving in the ring so they should make for watchable wrestling tagteam.
Hey commercials: I'd buy it if it said: "ENERX! It makes even the fattest,
sweatiest, over-the-hill blowhard loser FUCK LIKE A BEAST!" But it doesn't,
so I won't.
Match #2: Ice Cold vs. Wendi
Wheels
Wendi was a stripper I'm guessing from her writhing on the turnbuckle
prematch. She also has the clothesline that says either- "I was a stripper"
or "I was Lex Luger". Ice Cold is a lot better in this match at making
Wendi look good and her punches are fun. Her Elbow Drops are better than
Brian Lee's. Yes they are. They aren't good though. They take the brawl
to the floor and the trite verbage that McLane has Ice Cold say cannot
hide weird lesbianic moment they share as she hovers over the mic says,
"You wanna take a ride...." That part is REALLY REALLY great- in a good
late-night movie on Cinemax kinda way. They then have an actually REALLY
fun little brawl until the Double Count Out. This was a lot better than
I thought it would be- and not just because Wendi Wheels's little fellas
are struggling for sweet sweet freedom outside of her undersized halter
top the whole brawl. That didn't hurt though. Not that that matters or
anything. Right?
Julie Day and David McLane kill some time. Terri Gold has leather pants
on and she should....uh... wear them more often. Many a young man takes
it to the finish watching the champ make her leather pants sing like motherfucker.
WOO-HOO! JACKTASTIC!
Match #3: WOW Tag Team Title
Tournament: The Asian Invasion vs. Caged Heat
Loca and Delta Lotta Pain. Hey! I love a tag tournament. Caged Heat
have a bad rap intro music and comically bad hair. Asian Invasion have
really tiny pants and have GIGANTIC implantZ. Mix it all together and it's
very disturbing. Luckily, they do some wrestling here to keep your mind
on the straight and narrow (though Jade isn't afraid to have the wedgie
that will make your right ventricle explode.) The Invasion are also not
afraid to bump like freaks. This match was pretty good for a squash- in
that Caged Heat did some good mid-grade double team stuff and Invasion
took the bumps neccessary to make them look good. Caged Heat did a decent
Doomsday Device and not quite horrible 3-D. They have a good enough offensive
double team arsenal it looks like. I will go on record saying Loca is the
worker. Jade and Lotus are the secret bumpfreaks of WOW.
Match #4: Hammerin' Heather
Steele vs. Mystery
Tim Noel, wrestling expert and fellow WOW pervert, thought Mystery
was Jungle Grrrl, because of her "body type". It is sooooo not Jungle Grrrl.
Mystery's arms are too big and she looks like she has implantZ! Maybe this
is a super swerve where Jungle Grrl is wrestling with a Wonder Bra and
wrestling a tougher style- sorta like when Japanese wrestlers have an alter-ego
that wrestles a different style than how they usuaklly wrestle. That would
be cool. Either way, Hammerin Heather Steele is climbing up my List Of
Future Stalking Decisions. She can also work pretty well. Mystery just
might be Jungle Grrrl since she hits a SWANKY Fisherman's Suplex. This
was good.
Match #5: EZ Rider vs. Selina
Majors
EZ gets on THE STICK~! and I try not to stare at the alluring Charley
Davidson, but it's no use- Charley is 2 CUTE 2B D-NIED! Selena is still
in the dressing room, but her Mullet rushes out and hits a perfect hip
toss. I love the Harley's Angels heel stable. The leader is big and mean
and can work and is really cool in this, beating the hell out of the heroically-uneasy-on-the-eyes-but-still-pushed-because-she-can-work-and-has-paid-her-dues-forever
Selena Bambi Majors. The underlings- EZ and Charley- are what we as men
would WANT biker chix to look like, whereas in reality it would just be
three chicks who look like Selena Majors. Selena keeps EZ wrestling within
herself and works a decent match, with all the fun stuff happening when
Thug gets involved. Thug is the best heel in the US at the moment. She
makes every match she's around more fun and adds weight to the threat of
EZ in the ring, a threat that would not be as sinister with anyone else
at ringside. Peggy Lee Leather is good heel and I'm glad she is getting
her shot here on my TV. She leans into Selena's elbow and her stunner like
a champ. Selena carries EZ through her offensive transition really well
as she basically wrestles for two in this match- as EZ is really green
and struggling to get into position a lot of the time. Selena hits a buncha
Ace Crushers to get the pin and they Bill Watts the finish- as the heels
lay out Selena, but they really didn't beat the living hell out of her
like they needed to to get their heat back. This match was a good example
of a veteran Southern wrestler carrying a youngster through a match. It's
pretty textbook and Selena did a good job. McLane is smart to push Selena
and Thug at the top because they know what to do in the ring. The show
in general this week: Not the best, not the worst.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.