PATTI PEP vs LANA STAR: Patti
Pep has the greatest entrance music ever. She does all these cartwheels
before doing a basic wrestling move- as I can tell she's been watching
too much ECW because she is aping Rob Van Dam-level fruity embellishments.
Of course, Patti has the cheerleader gimmick so it makes sense. RVD's gimmick
is a baked gymnast so it makes less sense, I guess. I lot of shoulder blocks.
Lana Star is fun teasing the post match haircut- as this is so not the
worst thing I've ever seen. They both look really green but they both seem
to be wrestling within themselves, which is smart. This shit is too weird
not to love.
RIOT vs BECKY THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER:
God, we're these women all trained by Steve Muzlin? This match was like
a TV match from 1976 with lower grade moves and a shorter time limit. Sorry
folks, this match pretty sound for a match this astoundingly basic. It
starts from a headlock, goes to the mat, builds up to a highspot by Becky-
who misses it- all to set up Riot's finisher (a very baffling powerbomb).
Mechanically sound psychology. Not good or anything, but take away the
goofy gimmicks and you got an indie match that would be perfectly fine.
Riot will be my trophy wife and she wears tiny tiny pants. This show isn't
sucking nearly as much as I thought it would. (Though GAEA has so VERY
little to worry about.)
TERRI GOLD vs JUNGLE GIRL: Jungle
Girl wants a match now! The California Athletic Commision will have no
part of it! The crowd wants it! The canned Crowd Noise would have you think!
David McLane changes his mind! It's on like Neckbone after the commercial!
Oh wait! It must be later!
ICE COLD vs BOOM BOOM: Boom
Boom is my sangre. She has a hard head. She appears to be a San Bernadino
soccer mom. She gets in a lot of offense- as I'm noticing that WOW is completely
highspotless in a modern sense (which I really don't have a problem with.
I have highspot-laden tapes I can watch). The problem with this match is
that Ice Cold can't sell very well and that's what your heel in a Southern
-style match like this needs to do, so this is the first match to officially
suck. Ice Cold isn't very good in the ring but if she wears the tiny pants
and the super trailerparky blue eye shadow she'll make the Joshi Top 50
if we ever put it out. (I'm kidding! Ayako's pants are smaller and she
doesn't suck in the ring. Ditto Omakai. the tiny pants contingent on the
Top 50 are taken.)
Selena's knee is ruined by Thug-
a woman with the mullet so brazen and Jagr-esque that it jumped off her
head and said to me through the TV screen, "Unless my owner sucks more
than Kevin Nash, I am SOOO #50 on the Joshi Top 50". Selena also has a
mullet that says "Y'want some more coffee, hon?" David McClane has the
creepiest moustache in our present mutual existence and I recoil in horror
thinking about him plying young wannabe grapplers on his WOW casting couch.
POISON vs RANDI RAH RAH: Somehow,
Randi's entrance music is an even greater version of OH MICKEY, so I'm
TORQUED. Poison is AMAZINGLY slutty looking. Mid-70s Rollerderby slutty.
Shoulderblocks and fruity embellishments further emphasize the training
regiment of Randi and Patti. REF BUMP! Randi with a Hurricanrana (snicker)
and Lana Star does the run-in. The wrestling here was astoundingly vanilla
but... well... I'm not made of wood. Slutty blondes beating up cheerleaders.
What the fuck else could you want?
I'm awaiting a Catholic Schoolgirls Uniform tagteam before this officially replaces GAEA as my favorite Joshi promotion...
IT IS 2:01 AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.