Your/ The/ A Litany Of Excuses: Come with me, my pet. I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a man named Dean. He wrote these little reveiws of this syndicated women's wrestling show that he grew quite fond of for actual sentimental reasons. It was different than his super hardline love of Puroresu and Lucha Libre and higher grades of US Indie wrestling. It was much lower quality technically, but it had spirit and it had the look of developing into something worthwhile at some point down the line. Anyway, Dean made a big mistake of writing a semi-elaborate review on the DVDVR Message Board while in Microsoft Explorer en lieu of something that you can save- like on Word or Netscape Composer. While proofreading said review, he had an error in Explorer and the screen closed, making the review go away to the purgatory of lost, better original drafts. Dean was heartbroken- fabulous jokes about a human desire to fantasize about aesthetically pleasing humans to the point of spurty, sticky shame was all LOST, lost FOREVER! BUT I WILL NOT LET THIS AFFECT ME! WE MUST GET ON WITH OUR PATHETIC LIVES!
Beach Patrol- Sandy and Summer- is pitching the idea of a swimsuit contest David McLane- as if the whole reason for the formation of this promotion wasn't to simply culminate in this moment in time for McLane to capture on tape for the rest of his life. McLane is behind his desk and we thank the kind desk for hiding the results of McLane's constant burning gaze at the Quad Plastic Dairy Constructions stairing straight at him. The drawer doesn't open as easily anymore. No. It doesn't. They say that Venus Swimsuits is supplying the swimsuits and ONE WOULD SUPPOSE that Venus can't be happy about how the website pictures turned out. I'm assuming that Lana used her own photographer, since her pictures approach that Softcore porn look while all the other pictures on the WOW site for the swimsuit contest have the look of a personal ad in "Swingers and Wifeswappers Weekly" magazine.
Match #1: Lana Star vs. Roxy Powers
Lana starts off by getting completely smoked in the THOROUGHLY PERFECT HINDER department by the hot-as-all-living, breathing- hell ROXY POWERS. The match isn't a match: a fireman's carry, a faceplant, a pair of scissors, a save by Ice Cold. Poison using "venum" on the irritatingly non-leatherclad Patti Pizzazz, distraction, mirrors crash and cascade over Lana's head as Ice Cold cuts some locks of her hair. Ice Cold says "FUCK a haircut, we're going for the SHAVING match". The more repellent among us popped BIG for a second there before comprehending TRUE nature of the stipulation.
Match #2: Jungle Grrrl vs. Lotus
This had lots of quite good WOW wrestling so I will get this out of the way early so I can concentrate. On the wrestling. Lotus has a different match here because she downplays the usual Instant Wood-Induction Wedgie to show SOME RANGE! Here the camera is all about getting telescopic close-ups of her gigantic implanted boobies. It's a nice change of pace but wedgies got you to the dance, young Lotus, and the public will have its expectations. The match is pretty cool as Jungle grrl starts off with the swanky missile dropkick and goes 200 percent armdrag crazy. Lotus has a nice offensive sequence where she hits a nice high jumpy spinning cresent jumping side kick to the head followed up with a very nice dropkick. Jungle Grrl slaps a second very nice dropkick attempt to set up...

Commercials come on and it isn't Benny Hill so I am a broken beaten man by the lack of a weekly constant in my mast... HEY! CUT THAT OUT!

... a diving headbutt by JG. She hits a NASTY Superplex to set up her Big Splash. Becky comes out and dropkicks JG after JG throws Lotus over the toprope- where Lotus continues her string of taking that bump all wrong. Either way, Beckie and Jungle Grrl is SOO on like neckbone for the PPV and I'm basically STOKED about the match. You know the highspots will be there, if there is any attempt at psychology and build, this could good.

The first several hours of plugging the PPV commences with the pinnacle being the collage of the swimsuit competition where they use camera angles to make it look like Summer is NEKKID! SPURTASTIC! Benny Hill appears after a segment of solid ppv plugging but it's too little too late. My heart is broke and I'm going to hell...
Match #3: Riot vs. Jane Blond
Riot reenters my life, looking like the UltraVixen that she will one day become when she gets the complete hang of this wrestling thing. Jane Blond is quickly becoming one of the best three rookie workers in WOW. She is pretty impressive in this- as she adds lotsa elements to this match to make better than your usual WOW good wrestling match. She does a very elaborate routine during her entrance that I'm guessing will replace the Team No Respect dance at the Super 8 this year, if there is a kind and loving God... Anyway.... Riot starts in the headlock and they go all basic with it until Jane brings the Nifty as she counters out of a headlock by running up the ropes into a somersault into a dropkick. Jane leans into Riot's adorable shoulderblocks and after doing a few leapfrogs, Jane hits a Wakigatame until Riot makes the ropes. Riot hits a perfectly fine dropkick and powerslam to set up and really cool ODE TO FLAIR rocket launch off the top turnbuckle. Blond takes a variation of the same bump as Riot catches her in the same, allowing Riot to procure her verison of the Crippler Crossface until Jane makes the ropes. Riot does the really cool Forward Roll Into a Bridging Pinning Predicament that Janes counters into backslide into a two count. Riot gets back on offense and does an Argentine Backbreaker that enters the realm of Total Bossness because Riot spastically and randomly "applies" the hold by jerking on Jane's head. Jane misses another toprope HIGH RISK MOVE~! and Riot hits the best Powerbomb in North America at the moment. McLane off-handedly bans the powerbomb, laying groundwork for something cool I would think. A Battle Of Banned Holds is SOOOOO old school Southern Booking that it HAS to happen in WOW. Wendy runs in and GETS HER REVENGE! It's a HARDCORE match now! (Hey! I thought it was always a HARDCORE match.) The creepy part about this match is that McLane is trying to get over Riot's offbeat beautiful eyes by making all these Letter-From-A-Stalker style comments "Look into her eyes and you can see SHE IS DESPERATE!" Other than that, this match had more different moves than any WOw match so far. It didn't have a real basis of selling or anything, so it was kinda like a sampler of holds, but it is a better match than what we would have gotten three months ago.

They plug some sort of PPV for an eternity. My Fast Forward wakes up and says, "HEY MOTHERFUCKER! That better not be Nitro on my TV screen!" As I push it's little button and the picture on the screen speeds up to the commercials for girls who will talk to you while you wrestle with the primed and ready funny parts, I explain that it's just WOW ppv hype and that Vince Russo doesn't book WCW anymore so I can watch it now in little increments and- thus cautiously satisfied- my Fast Forward can go back to sleep again...
Match #4, WOW Tag Team Title Tournament: Harley's Angels vs. The Beach Patrol
Charlie gets on THE STICK~! and she is ELECTRIC! I really love her on the stick because really sounds like a redneck chick telling another redneck chick to "Sit and Spin, you bitch." EZ is fun on the stick too, though she isn't genuine redneck and it shows. The Beach Patrol are becoming a very fun little tag team as they are becoming a WOW equivalent of the Fantastics if Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton had really huge milkwagons (I don't think they did. I'm drawing a blank....) They do perfectly acceptable tagteam moves like the double Full-Nelson Buttbusters- plus they have a couple of funny recurring spots that have to actually do with maritime themes- the rowboat , the surfboard. The Boston Crab AWAITS! Charlie is coming into her own as she has all the basics of being a good redneck heel down except for the wrestling ability and the selling and brawling. She has the nastiness and crazed look that the rest of the wrestling basics can grow into. Plus she honors Sweet Sweet Satan by making a heavy metal sign of the goat with her hand when covering the "crushed-by-the-gigantic-ass-of-the-cheating-to-win-Thug" young helpless Summer. Final of the Tag Tourney is unbelievably CAGED HEAT vs HARLEY's ANGELS! WOO-HOO!

They plug away. Other than the fast forward fodder of the recaps/plugs/recaps/plugs/shilling, there was some quality WOWgood wrestling. Jane Blond is REALLY starting to impress and the angles are fun and setting up matches I wanna see. I'm so up for this PPV.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN