HIYA!

your LITANY OF EXCUSES: Ah, I went to the Wrestling Power 2001 taping today and wore the fucking SWANK Mr Aguila mask with my more-Lyger-esque-as-each-day-passes hair and made with the smart alecky remarks with Cowboy Wayne and Tim and Dave. Then I had to watch the Raiders and the Ravens. Then I had to watch King Of The Hill and the Simpsons. THERE. Give me any more shit and I'll talk about the time in my life when I used to go out dancing twice a week. Those were the days.... they had SONGS back then... Pump Up The Volume by M\A\R\R\S... Bass How Low Can You Go- Death Row- What's a Brotha know.... We'd dance all night and then dance more at afterhours bars and go the Do-nut Dinette on Colley Avenue... OH WAIT! Y'all didn't give me enough shit to warrant a punishing account of SWEET MEEEEEEEE...
Anyhoos, WOW starts with a recap of the bludgeoning of a perfectly fine mullet that powers it's host- Selena Majors. Caged Heat turns FACE for the flimsiest of reasons and attacks EZ and Charley with chairs handed to them by their biker former counterparts (I actually knew this was going to happen because the DAMNED CANADIANZ~! get the show early and ya gotta read Corti when he's bringing the yoks, so I spoiled the reveal for myself, since I can't help my damn self.) Still didn't make much sense past the point that the PPV is coming up and they had to make someone the the face in the tag final. Maybe they will explain it later. It's WOW, if they don't explain, it's just as well since it's all gonna get settled in the ring the way it's supposed to. The thing about Selena and THUG main eventing the PPV poses a curious question- what will they do after that? Is there anyway they can possibly have a main event in WOW without these two? It seems everyone in the promotion who could have the HEAT to do it are at least a year from having the basic ability and knowledge to go over ten minutes. It'll be fun to see as they do a thousand combinations of Thug vs Selena for now though since they are the funnest match up in North America at the moment.
Match #1: Paradise vs. Jungle Grrrl
Paradise is roaring up my F List PDQ! She's all hot and chesticualrly fabulous and stuff. Plus the tiny flower print pants. HEY! I'M NOT MADE OF WOOD, DAMN YOU TO HELL! Jungle Grrl is always the the one with the biggest array of moves in WOW and she is the most fun other than Thug, Selena and Becky. This is squashy as Paradise gets in a dropkick, a ""Hurricanrana"", and Reverse Body Press before Jungle Grrl gets the headbutt off the third rope and the big splash. Jungle Grrl sets up her Splash with a prett SWANKY superplex. Paradise is another green young wrestler who showed some promise. She definately seems to a good athletic base to build on. I'd keep those tiny pants for a little while longer though until ya gets those reps in to keep me interested. Raisor please send that Powerteam tape ASAP- who knows how long my fat old heart can hold out.

EnerX commercial is up really early tonight. La Caliente must be wrestling next or something.

Julie Day interveiws ICE COLD. ICE COLD doesn't make Julie scared enough for her to run away so we can GAWK AT HER BUTT! THUS, it wasn't EFFECTIVE EPISODIC TV! IN MY PANTS!
Match #2: WOW Tag Team Title Tournament: Harley's Angels vs. Caliente & Boom Boom The Volcano
EZ is really hot but not in a biker way. She is hot in a college newspaper record reveiwer kinda way. Charley is better able to pull off the high school Field Hockey Captain Gone Wrong And Joined A Male Fantasy Female Biker Gang feel a lot better. Caliente's little friends are back and they doing everything...in their way... to be free. WOW opening sequence #2- tag team concept- The Double Dropkick At the Bell. HArley's Angels do the most adorable punches in the corner. Charley takes a cross body block and I figure out why she is so alluring- she's got a little bit of baby fat and that is SOOO sexy. It's like when Madonna first came out and she was like more attractive because she looked real- as opposed to the extensively modified and plastic-enhanced Madonna we have today. Anyway, Charley and Caliente have an extended section together. Caliente should get the BELT because she always delivers the pathetic creepy goods to the target audience- as she augments the Eternal Meat Freezer effect with a Multitude Of Wedgies of "Asian Invasion Invades Monterrey" Effect that polishes off the quick draw teenage boys who stayed up late to watch. She is also getting better in the ring a little- though she completely wusses out on the bump through the ropes. THUG cheats to win and Charley is absolutely a dollbaby in victory. Harley's Angels aren't good in the ring yet, but they are more fun than most WOW wrestlers for some semi-pathetic reasons.

Speaking of which- 1-800-WE-ARE18! HEY! Why are buttons on my phone sticking suddenly?
Match #3: WOW World Title: Terri Gold (champion) vs. Ice Cold
Terri Gold isn't wearing leather pants and Ice Cold hasn't won me over in any substantial or superficial ways, so I wasn't very torqued about this title defense. Luckily, Ice Cold has gotten a little better in the ring and actually hits a really nice toprope elbow. Terri sells the highly rudimentary offense of Ice Cold. Gold fruitily embellishes a clothesline with a handspring that didn't really do anything for the clothesline then Terri Gold does her Reveerse Body Block and roll-up sequence that she is pretty good at. Ice Cold pulls up Gold after hitting her finisher and misses on the next attempt. Gold hits her very nice moonsault and we call it a title defense. This very WOWokay. It was very awkward and they can't run the ropes very well yet and everything is pretty herky-jerky- but Ice Cold IS getting better and Terri Gold is gonna be a good little worker when she develops enough offensive moves to carry the body of a match- as opposed to now where she sells until she can get in her three spots.

I'm waning on my wild urge to get the Benny Hill Tapes. I dunno. I'm definately gonna rent something soon. HEY! What do ya know! An ad for Golf Digest- hey CUTTING DOWN YOUR STROKES IS NOT THE PROBLEM OF THIS TARGET AUDIENCE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAH!!!! Oh God, I kill me.....
Match #4: Lumberjack Match: Thug vs. Selina Majors
Hey! A lumberjack match! They give this a fucking YEAR and I'm all about that. WOW delivers many things to me. Things that I have come to care about. They have enriched my life with boobies and tiny pants in the undercard- and, in the main event, METRIC TONS OF VIOLENCE like THIS match. This wasn't as great as their falls count anywhere match but it was deeply in the realm of good old-fashioned Southern AssKick. Thug rules. She brawls and bumps like a QUEEN. It starts with Selena hitting Thug with a trashcan lid and goes from there as they beat the hell out of each other. There is only three heel lumberjacks for some reason, but they work over Selena like they should- with Ice Cold bumping for Selena like she's been there. The body of the beginning of the match is just punches and clothelines and trashcan lid shots until they do the double clothesline over the toprope bump to have it spill out into crowd. They brawl all over Koraken Hall and make it back to the ring. Wendi Wheels starts out-of-ring ruckus- as they could REALLY ape the GAEA youngster riots of 1996 to cool effect if they wanted to. Selena accidentally Stunners Psycho Josh and Psycho Josh ONCE AGAIN PROVES THAT HE IS ABSOLUTELY MOTHERFUCKING INSANE by landing right on his motherfucking head when thrown over the toprope. As Harley's Angels start beating the hell out of Selena and the lumberjacks start beating each other up, McLane channels Paul Heyman and ECWs the ending by having Caged Heat come in and attack EZ and Charlie. MEANWHILE, THUG and Selena go back into the crowd as they do a really good job of showing more brawling than the camera can capture and it IS actually a whole peck of fun. And we go to a break as the WOW freakout starts to hit its peak.

In case 1-800-WE ARE 18 doesn't get you to disgrace yourself with one hand while holding the phone in the other, feel free to give 1-800-USA-CHAT a try. The models are wearing USA bikinis! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-unnnggghhh....

And when we return, they are getting near the bathrooms- and for some reason they don't go into the bathroom, possibly to spare us the picture of all the men in the stalls polishing off the effects of the Caliente match. They call it a no contest and set up the cage match THUSLY! HEY! THAT'S HOW YOU SET UP A CAGE MATCH.

Then they have a big recap and I'm so stoked about the PPV. It has Hammerin Heather Steele in a swimsuit too!

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.