WCW Saturday Night - 03/11/2000
In a sop to the low IQ readers of the WCWSN Report, I've decided to give tips
to save WCW in many of tonight's capsule commentaries. I'm not Scott Keith, and
I don't care much whether or not someone from Time or Warner is reading this;
we all know that workrate in WCW died when the radicals escaped because Bill
DeBuscherre couldn't be arsed to let Kevin "Ratings! How Low Can You Go?"
Sullivan head back down to Pompano Beach to dredge Mark Lewin's bones out of
the retention pond behind Hooters.
What Worked
Three Count get the song off before defending the Hardcore Title against Dandy,
SK, and Jeremy Lopez -- who I'm fairly high on. WCW, if they weren't who they
are, could introduce a Trios belt, but they won't. That said, 3 Count bump like
freaks for the de factos tecnicos, which is cool. Less cool is Evan's
estrogenic offense. Helms and Lopez work a nice series, and Lopez tags to SK.
Then The Future Shane Helms hits a swank enzigooori. Later on, 'THE FUTURE'
gets Major altitude on a sunset flippe from the top rope; Shane could be where
Kidman is now in a year if used right (ha.). Moore is not afeared to die
either, with a hands-free somersault plancha on two tecnicos outside the ring
that Rey Rey would give a working limb for. Helms finishes the match with a
frog splash the equal of any I've seen this year, and this match worked since
they kept Evan out of the ring as much as possible. This was a showcase for
Helms and Moore, who deserve it as much as anyone.
Barry Horowitz lays the smackdown on Allan Funk on the Mic, which is where all
wrestling happens anymore. The crowd popped for all of Barry's catchphrases and
then sodomized a panel of local ministers, Kevin Shields of My Bloody
Valentine, and -- in a WAWLI touch -- the rotting corpse of One George
Hackenschmidt. Jon Snowden -- God Love Him -- rated Hackenschmidt #3 in his
Bestest 100 Rasslers Ever list. Snowden's such the mack, what with his 37
Hackenschmidt tapes, which include the angle he worked with Joyce Grable and
Betty Rubble before Wrestlemania 3.
Barry Horowitz wrestles, which to me is enough to watch a program. I guess Al
Funk didn't know the ledge, because he shore is jooced. The usual Horowitz fare
here; good chain wrestling to start off. Funk kicks a bit like the Rock, and
his offense after the initial transition sure is bidness exxxposing. But we get
the Northern Lights, the Euro uppercuts, and it's enough, I guess, on this
night. Especially when Horowitz cups his hands to hear the roar of the crowd,
and when he works a bunch of old-school rollups for two counts, and when Funk
pulls the tights to go over Bad Barry. I love controversial finishes, at least
in solidly worked matches.
Tommy Rogers. Oh, departed Latino Jesus. Tommy Rogers in a jobber match. Nice
mat stuff here, and Hudson with a classic line, describing Flair whipping Hogan
in the Cutiepie slap match, saying 'This is for 1985, This is for 1986'. Then
Zbyszko gets off an anecdote about Rogers, Fulton, and a strap-on that's too
blue to repeat here. Then Hudson recounts Rogers' resume, though he fails to
mention the Fantastics classic work with the Midnights (and I'd dig seeing
Rogers/Eaton just for kicks). Rogers looked good enough here, selling well and
moving fluidly.
A 3 Way dance. Mamalukes. PG 13. Armstrongs. Basic and southern style enough to
work, especially with the 80s style cooperation between the two challenging
teams. Armstrongs do a nice job of taunting Vito, who was outside the ring as
Johnny the Bull acted Face in Peril. The finish was a contrived mess, riddled
with poor timing by the Mamalukes, and the canned boos made no sense in context
of the story of the match, but it was all redeemed by sterling mike work by
the Harrii at the end.
What Didn't Work
Kidman. Iko Iko. A lot of fake-looking punches and somnambulant stalling here.
Iaukea carries most of the offense here, which only serves to devalue the
belt's legacy further. Boring, torpid, slow, fake-looking crap, up until they
went into the Hot Sequence. Nice reversal of a sunset flip into a Northern
Lights Suplex by Iaukea, but a good two minutes really doesn't redeem the stuff
I FFwd'd over.
I didn't exactly care about Mona and Little Jeannie, and the finish was
contrived crap. Way to establish the division.
I think we all know where Jim Duggan and Frankie Lancaster go. This is
wrestling as booked by Louis-Ferdinand Celine`. HOW To SAVE WcW Tip 1a: Duggan
as heel, working the Tiger Ali Singh gimmick with a bit of Tiger Chung Lee
thrown in. He wears a tee-shirt out saying 'i BrokE Steve Austin's Leg';
massive heat. Calls Austin out, but Austin doesn't respond. Then! Then!! At a
PPV Duggan issues an open challenge for the TV Title. Oliver Humperdink throws
a baseball at Duggan's head, knocking him out. THEn! THEN!!! They drag Brian
Pillman's corpse in, and place it on Hacksaw's body for the three count.
Posthumous title reigns equal ratings, daddy, and Pillman won't bitch about
putting people over either.
The Demon exposes the business in every possible way, and Jeff Jarrett is only
a man. Fake bumps, unconvincing selling from the Gimmick. How To Save WCW tip
1: Bring back Randy Mulkey. But wait, that's not all! Bring back Mulkey as the
Mulk, complete with a ripoff of the R--k's music, complete with a 500 dollar
shirt and liposucted tiddy-widdies. The Mulk says! The Mulk says take that
tennis racket, Jim Cornette, and stick up your.... There we go!
Ah, sweet Harrii. Disorderly Conduct isn't getting paid enough to carry your
saggy never-was no-hope bouncer bonbons around the squared circle. Not like
these chumps know any rasslin moves anyway. Not like the Harrii even have
bodies that sell tix out of tee-shirts. Props to DC for bumping. TIP 2: Bring
Back Nick Bockwinkel! But not as the Commish -- as The Bock! 500 dollar shirt,
suave 70s do like he had back in the day. Perhaps he can get calf implants like
Buff. The Bock says! The Bock says Verne Gagne, take that home enema kit a
stick.... H-Bomb, my ass. Did Scott Keith book this crap?