your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 6/5/2003!
I went out to eat with my wife and kids and didn`t get home until a half hour in, so.... what did I miss? This will be slightly truncated...
WHAT WORKED-
- AWWWWWWW HONEY HUSH! Eddy`s lowrider fucking ruled. Hey, it`s theBasham Brothers. Tajiri uses all his Fantastik training to be more Lucha than the actual Luchadore Royalty in his corner. Eddy comes in and says, ``Welcome to Japan, motherfucker`` by being more Strong Style than the actual citizen of Japan in his corner. I think that`s the allure of this tag. Good God, the Basham`s are the most boring tagteam I`ve seen in a while- they don`t suck or anything but they are boring as Billy Kidman reading a farm report. What they need is to become the New Age Cruel Connection because they do take an ass-beating really well- always being in the right place to lean into a kick to the head. It`s just that they would look better leaning into being kicked in the head if they had full length lime green bodysuits and masks. Plus those capes were just completely motherfucking bad ass and you know they were, motherfucker.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:
Skandar revved the engine as they pulled up to the canteen. ``Mr Crowley`` by Ozzy Osbourne and the Blizzard of Oz blaired out of Skandar`s Alpine speakers with powerbooster. ``WOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH!`` Skandar stuck his head through the sunroof and air guitared while the Baron tried to find a place to hide. ``Skandar, you idiot. You are blowing mein cool.``
``Suck it, Raschke, this part fucking rules! Miiiister Crowley- DUN DUN DUN- did you talk to the de-hed!``
Jennifer came out of the back of the snackbar and smiled. The last rays of sunlight of the day backlit her hair and the Baron was frozen in time. ``She is an angel......``
She smirked at the Baron. ``Tell your friend to turn that shit down.`` Skandar turned down the volume before the Baron could even glare at him. ``Yo, Jenn. German boy wanted me to drive up here and get him some homefries so be easy on a workin man, sweet mama. I`m gonna hook up with Jimmy and Bill playing volleyball with them honies over there. Come get me when you want to roll outta here, my brotha. ``
``Thank you, Skandar. I von`t be too long.``
Skandar walks down by the lake a hundred yards where they had created a sandpit for volleyball. ``Hey my brothahs, llaaadies! The man of the HOUR is HERE!``
The Baron is nervous and he keeps darting his eyes around. ``How have you been, beautiful Jennifer? I hope zat it is okay if I popped in like zis. I do not zant to scare you vith mein puppydog crush.`` They both laugh and push each other around like the young in love will do.
``Oh come on. I been thinking about you all day. Hey, can you do something for me?``
``Yes, anyzing for you, mein petite chou....``
``Cool. I got this pickle jar I can`t open.``
``Oh, definately give it here. Zis should not be a problem...``
The Baron uses his giant hands and tremendous grip to open the pickle jar with uncanny ease. Jennifer notices Baron`s bicept contract and her breath is shortened as she tries to quell her first flush of real womanly lust.
``Wow, Baron. You are so strong! Look, shug, I gotta get back to work. Stop by anytime.`` Jennifer pecks Baron on the cheek and the Baron is lost with tailspin of uncontrollable crushing affection.
``I vill see you soon. Will tomorrow be okay?``
``Sure.`` and Jennifer disappears into the canteen and the Baron looks to find Skandar. He ambles to the lake in a daze, not caring if he ever gets home- the waking hours becoming more enchanting than his sweet dreams of love.
- Rey Rey and Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy have a match and I`m stoked. Rey Rey has wads of kids like I do. The MFers are with Matt and Rey is alone. They try to cheat early and I can only asume that Eddy and Tajiri will come out and help Rey and set up a 6 man feud that would heal the wounds that three months of shitty Smackdowns have inflicted. EnLieu, the ref sends the MFers to the back and Rey hits a leg first Plancha and we go to a commercial. Matt cheats like a motherfucker when we get back and - hell, Rey has two kids already, he can take a few shots to his junk to slow him down some and let a sistah get some sleep. Matt is great as a Southern heel in this, working on the leg of Rey after kicking him in the wedding tackle to get on offense. Rey is quite Steamboatian taking the Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy assbeating. Rey makes some really hot comebacks and Matt is fucking fabulous cutting him off after selling the offense like a king- the Side Effect off the top being the REALLY beautiful way to cut off Rey`s comeback. Rey comes back again and then the selling of the knee doesn`t allow him to finish off Matt after hitting the 619 and I LOVE this match. The MFers sneak in and Matt hits a Guillotine and Rey kicks out at two and rolls up Matt for the flash pin. Postmatch, Rey sells the knee and you are in love. (His son Dominic? Is he named after Nicho Millionaro?)
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Angle playing up to the fat stupid beerbelly jackoffs in the crowd isn`t what MY Olympic hero would do. My Olympic hero made fun of the Packers in the ring in Green Bay. OH COOL! The Big Show THeme! OOOOOOOO You`ll NEVER SEE IT COMIN` BUT I GUARANTEE YOU YOU`LL KNOOOOOOOW! YES IT`S THE BIG SHOW! Oh then he talks. Angle the face? BAH! Angle vs the Big Show? Goddamn, does Smackdown hate me? Does it hate you? Big Show in every main event isn`t any fun. Angle the face isn`t any fun- especially when de-heating the match with Brock. What`s this mutual admiration shit? Are they gonna get married. Are they gonna hold hands as they skip down the sidewalk to sunday school? Fuck that shit. I like a lot of alcohol in my beer, I want fucking in my pornography and I want a lot of hate in my wrestling.
- Cena and Benoit starts off all fun. If they were smart, they would have Benoit and Cena wrestle every night for a year and have Benoit beat him into a superworker. Benoit is fucking great and I dug the DDT variation but then they punk out on the match and they have a cheap shitty ending and this sucked.
- Turdwellian is baffled. ``Torries clothes don`t make sense to me. Is that what legwarmers evolved into? TELL ME, Mister Poo....``
``I believe she is some kind of stripper. That would be the only logical reason for the the fact that the sensors are spiking on the silicon reading.``
``Does that mean that we should reverse our trajectory and inflate the Giant Polska Keilbasa Of Rikishi and set phasers for ``splurt``?``
``Who should we aim for, captain? There seems to a high reading of silicon across the ring. She is touching Rikishi more and... and.... CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! HIS HUGE POLYNESIAN PENIS! WE CAN`T CONTROL IT!``
``We`re losing fluid! Keilbasa inflating! Quick spin the ship around! We`ll use Rikishi`s Giant Ass and only humilate the half dressed harlot- as opposed to feigning sexual assault and allowing 345 pound Skrewdriver-listening Aryan Nation sexual predators watching at home to blow festering cheetos-scented semen out of their quarter inch penises.``
``Okay Captain, I will go to the end of the world for you. But don`t ever talk to me about the smell of fat people`s semen....``
``Sorry, Mister Poo.``
- It looks like Sable and Stephanie are gonna start fucking each other and one can only conjecture that the vaginal comingled discharge will burn through four stories of the building they are in like when they tried to cut the alien off John Hurt`s face. It`ll make for really bad television but it will be a boon for science.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.