your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 5/1/2003!
Hey, I didn`t write one last week. No. I didn`t. I was tired and then I taped over the tape with an episode of Red Green. If you don`t like Red Green then can suck my festering carbunkly beefdart. THAT`S RIGHT! YEAH MOTHERFUCKER! YEAH! Sorry. It`s 500 time and I`m in complete wrestling overload and watching WWE in real time is a motherfucker of a waste of precious wrestle-veiwing time and I feel like I should be watching TORYUMON or CMLL or IWA- MidSouth or something. Anyway. May 12th is the 500 update so I`ll be a dick till them. I apologize in advance. I`ll pick up the Al Wilson saga again next week.
WHAT WORKED-
- Los Guerrerros have the tag belts because they steal them because they are Mexican and everyone knows Mexicans steal! Ah, WWE, you retarded batch of racist shit-sucking fuckheads. Anyhoos, MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY comes oot and it looks like Crash Holly is a MFer now. Hey, why not? Eddy crushes Shannon`s knees with the catapult senton and then they go all lucha with the double teams and I`m not hating it, it`s all good. Crash uses the Mattitude book to cheat to get Matt in the ring against Eddy and it gets all fun. Matt with the Full Nelson and I pee directly in my pants from the busting out of the fabulous unheralded Full Nelson because I love that shit and that`s why Hardy fucking rules. Tazz secretly calls Crash a hog-smokin`, butt-bustin` homo while Team Mattitude is being the funnest Southern tagteam of the week. Hot tag and Eddy and Matt make me want these two to fued at length. Chavo cheats to win by utilizing the belt to bash Matt in the head to set up the Love Machine Splash for the pin. Postmatch, Crash bumps little and Shannon bumps GIGANTIC and they look like they are setting up some watchable wrestling if it turns into full blown Guerrerros vs Team Angle vs Church Of Almighty Mattitude. Later, in the hallway during a Larry Saunders Show moment, Marty Jannetty comes out and lets Team Angle know that they are wrestling Los Guerrerros in a ladder match at whatever the fuck the next PPV is.
- Cena mentions Bill Buckner. Being a Mets fan because the Norfolk Tides feeding up to them, it brought back memories of Mookie rounding from second and I larfed and larfed and larfed! Then Spanky comes out as a far younger Flava Flav and we as a country weep mighty tears of pride and love. Annnnnnnd FUCK YOU COLE! We all about the mad phat beats in the R to the VEE to the A, motherfucker. Suck my Capital of the Old Dominion, like Yorktown shoved up Cornwallis` Ass dick! Spanky kicking it old skool with the Human Beatbox Hebner was FABULOUS. Cena switching to the Released Falcon Arrow is better than his Stevie Ray Death Valley bomb.
- Remember when Benoit carried every member of the Flock - INCLUDING HAMMER- to good matches back in the olden days. Here, he carries the third Headbanger or possibly Duke the Dumpster Droese 2004 to a watchable match. It`s wasting Benoit`s time because it isn`t gonna lead to anything great like Benoit is always capable of. Here, the Bull is completely smoked and Benoit just can`t seem to dumb it down enough for him. They ECW it into a tagteam match. HEY! Maybe this is better than I thought because it will twice as much Benoit! And that is good no matter who he is wrestling (I mean, unless he is wrestling RVD or something.) AH COOL! CHUCK! Though his pants are way too big. Rhyno kills Johnny and they do a odd thing about what was obviously a legal tag to set up Rhyno taking a Chuck Superkick like a KING. Chuck hits the nice suplex. Johnny saves his smoked- COMPLETELY smoked- bacon by hitting a nice elbow drop. Chuck is great on the apron riling up the crowd as Rhyno is perfectly fine selling the ass-beating during the HEAT SEGMENT! Rhyno hits the hot tag too early, I`d say, and then they COMPLETELY fuck up the finish, I `m guessing- or maybe it was correct execution of cheap shitty booking. Either way. Perfectly fine wrestling.
WHAT DOESN`T WORK-
- The teaser at the beginning to keep you from turning to FRIENDS: Sable in a tag match? A ``special`` Piper`s Pit? Hmmm. I mean, Jesus, I haven`t seen this many whores in one place since my friend Clint`s bachelor party.
- The Big Show comes out and they play his whole theme and I am deeply in heaven. Then he gets on the stick and tries to not completely kill his heel heat. But he speaks and the crowd no longer gives a shit about the bulging load of shit called Big Show. Funaki comes out and Big Show pulls off the upset and beats him. THE WWE ARE FUCKING GENIUSES! WHAT BOOKING GENIUSES! This type of push worked so well getting Bill Demott over! Bill Demott who I guess is the RAW champion now or something because I never see him on the free air waves anymore. THE BIG SHOW IS A BULLY! A BULLY! A BULLY! A BULLY! HE IS A BULLY! JESUS, WHAT KIND OF BULLY IS THIS BULLY! A BULLY! HE`S A BULLY! THE BIG SHOW IS A BULLY! A BULLY! HE IS A BIG BULLY! WHAT A BIG BULLY! A BULLY! HE`S A BULLY! A BULLY! A BULLY! A BULLY! A BULLY! HE`S A BULLY! HE`S A BULLY! A BULLY! LIKE BILL DEMOTT! HE`S A BULLY! A BULLY A BULLY! A BULLY! BIG SHOW IS A BULLY! WHAT A BULLY! A BULLY! HE IS A BULLY! THE BIG SHOW IS SUCH A BULLY! The WWE can suck my oiled and annointed dick until I unleash my droopy, drippy seed across it`s collective bicuspids.
- Me n Phil Schneider were talking the other day about the Portland tapes from this year we got from Ottar. There are these Roddy Piper segments where Piper would go off on how he hated McMahon and he blamed McMahon for Owen`s death and that the kids on the Portland show would never sell out and you would never find them being on the recieving end of a Stinkface and on and on and on. And then you see that Roddy only meant that he hated McMahon until the checks cleared. I told Phil that McMahon having Piper`s first fued back as a fued with Rikishi has to be in response to what Piper said on the Portland show about the youngsters not ``selling out and having Rikishi rubbing his ass on their faces`` and I ventured to guess that it won`t be long before Vince tries to see just how far Piper will whore himself out for a paycheck by making Piper come down from the rafters as Blue Blazer II. You know it`s going to happen. You just know it will- especially if Piper jumps to RAW. Here, Piper presents the debut of Mr America... and whaddyaknow, it`s Hulk Hogan. Not MY America, motherfucker. Hogan stopped mattering to MY America the minute the camera cut away from him in Rocky 3. The Corie Hart theme music was a nice ironic touch (He`s actually CANADIAN! WOW!) Hogan didn`t quote the Allman Brothers and didn`t ride a horse named Diablo so this angle can go fuck itself.
- Brock gets on the STICK and it sucks until he rambles on finally conjures up the term ``big slobbery ass``- THAT`S genius! I don`t want to ever think about what Big Show`s ``slobbery ass`` would entail- oozing lesions? -a few slices of two week old pizza pie that can`t quite clear the breach? The mind boggles. Then we get the Big Show theme AGAIN! YEAH! FUCK YEAH! IT``S THE BIG SHOOOOOW YEAH IT`S THE BIGGG SSSSHHHOOOOW! But Big Show and Lesnar talk to each other and undo anything good that can come from it. Big Show does his whole PROMO making all these faces like there is something stinky on his microphone. Still not enough to make it work. Plus it leads to Big Show wrestling again on my TV set. No no no.
- I watched the President`s speech and missed the Team Angle match. Who did they wrestle? Eddy apologizes for stealing their belts. OH! They stole Angle`s medals! Kurt Angle isn`t around to say the word ``genitals`` in a hilarious condemnation of how his medals were stolen so this can`t go anywhere that I`d want it to.
- Prematch, Sable wants to bump pussies with Torie and they aren`t going to show it so I will save my wood for tapes of Billy Gunn`s OVW matches. Sable, Torrie, Nidia and Dawn Marie enter the ring and I`m scared. If it`s too hot in the arena, when all four lock up, all the plastic used to make all their collective titties and lips and asses and noses could melt them together into one big horrible leathery mass of the creature YOU CALL WHORULON- it`s 8 arms flailing around the arena, it`s four deadly chests firing silicon implant salvos into the unsuspecting audience- puncturing the chests of 39 year old virgins in the cheap seats who would be killed with their pants around their ankles and their vienna sausage-like penises still encrusted to their hands- hands that are still jerking it in fits of rigor mortis. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANT A WHORULON? FOUR BACON STRIPPED COOTERS SPEWING FORTH SALINE AND BOTOX ONTO HORRIFIED AND CONFUSED AND PSYCHOSEXUALLY MAULED TEENAGERS AT RINGSIDE? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? That would be pretty cool actually. This was just really intensely shitty wrestling instead. This made me REALLY miss the technical proficiency and far superior spanktacularness of Lotus vs the Disciplinarian in WOW. Yes it did. Mmmmm Riot.....
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.