your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/6/2003!
Ah Smackdown, the lovely show of free wrestling that comes into my house every week..... Today, I am adamant about the rules of when you should blade.
WHAT WORKED-
- Rey Rey is back on TV again and they have a three-way for the title shot. Tajiri has been through some real tragedy recently. I`ve went through that shit once and there is no way to explain to anyone who hasn`t been through it themselves. It`s a bottomless pit of despair and my heart goes out to anyone who goes through it. I`ll save my smart ass remarks for another week. Rey Rey bumps big sliding to the floor and they set up a big Rey Rey-killing three man superplex. Noble hits a SWEET powerslam and makes his presence known. The 619 into the springboard legdrop into the Silver king Springboard dropkick shows how far above everybody else Rey Rey is. The ending was neato, but the match wasn`t even close to being long enough for me to say this was beyond passable.
- Los Guerrerros wrestle Chuck Palumbo and somebody. I love Chuck Palumbo- LOOKIT THAT ASS! Chuck chases Chavo while saying ``Gabbagool`` alot in a comical Italian accent, I`m guessing. Johnny The Bull looks like every white guy who wrestles in WWC and await him to put over Eddy Colon with a toprope rana at any moment. Palumbo does a couple of moves that make him look just like Scott Hall- though at no time did he ever pinch the breast of a 57 year old woman while she was sitting in her car. Eddy bumps and bumps and bumps for your pleasure. Palumbo hits the ringpost but doesn`t blade so I am upset, fucking pussy-assed WWE. The finish is fun as Johnny the Bull does a Samoan Slam on Chavo while Eddy hits the Frogsplash as Johnny hits the ground. The postmatch beatdown was PATHETIC. MAKE ME CARE! WE WANT BLOOD. Beat on the fucking babyfaces, you fucking pussies! MAKE ME WANT YOU TO DIE AT THE GUERRERROS` HANDS! JESUS!
- TEAM ANGLE comforts Paul E. Angle talks about fucking Stephanie to get Paul E out of the match. Big Show is funny standing there and nodding. Angle is all about fucking Stephanie on screen- as he unbuttons her sweater and unleashes her mighty guns (you know... her arms). If you squint, it looks like Bill Goldberg trying to seduce Jeff Gaylord. That`s right. Jeff Gaylord. Gaylord. Jeff Gaylord.
- Mattitude! Fuck Yeah! Aw shit, it`s the boring as fucking boredom Billy the human snooze button Kidman. Kidman bumps big early to help his cause. Matt is all about the suplexes early and I`m hoping that MATTITUDE is TRIUMPHANT AGAIN! Matt with the surfboard but Kidman retaliates with a Lawrence Welk 3 Hour Accordion Special Enzuguiri. Matt bumps onto his testicles to set up the Boring As Sunday SchoolDriver `03 to set up the Emerson Lake and Palmer Solo Album Legdrop. Then he hits the Triptaphen Plancha and kicks out of the Side Effect and Shannon helps his mentor hit a Twist Of Fate and THANK GOD he beats the human Antihistamine to wrestle Rey in a match I`d actually want to see. Kidman is growing on me again. But motherfuck is he boring as a wednesday morning farm report.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:
Al let the emergency brake go and he put in his lucky Best of Earth Wind and Fire tape. He tried not to think about his growing feelings for Glenda. It`s falling into the night and he heads for town. ``Tell the story, morning glory, allllll about the serpentine fire- oh oh ``. Al Wilson checks the switches on the hidden weaponry of his 72 convertible El Dorado. ``Bulletproof glass, rocket launchers, ramrods, flame thrower... good good good... What the....?`` Al`s eyes quickly dart to his rearview mirror and he notices a 1980 Toyota Corona- the precursor to the Corolla. ``Is that a..... man driving? Hmmmmm... I wonder if that is MullKEY that Glenda was talking about...`` Al pulls into a 7-11, seeing if he is actually being followed by the strange man. The El Dorado pulls into the empty parking lot and Al steps out. The Corona pulls into the Hardees across the street and cuts off its lights. The 7-11 clerk is 24. She is mother of two and has been struggling to get by for a while and has been trying her whole life to escape the service industry. Al notices this by seeing the look in her eyes and he dies a little inside.
``Hey, chief. Whatcha need?
``Hey doll, you got a back door in this place? I got to circle around without being seen from the street.``
``I can`t let you back there. It`s for employee`s only.``
``Well, you`re an employee, maybe you could give me a tour. Pretend I`m a health inspector. I`m an expert on Smoky Big Bites.`` Al looks straight into her eyes and smiles as she laughs despite herself.
``Allright, let me lock up.`` Al Wilson knew what was going to happen this night before he went out the backdoor. He knew that look in a woman`s eyes and what it leads to. He didn`t want to take advantage of a desperate woman working for a living, but he had to get to the Hardee`s parking lot and he didn`t want to endanger the mission. He also knew that what he would give to her would never be matched by any other man in her lifetime.
``Walk this way, big man.``
2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKERS.
- Undertaker and A-Train was perfectly fine and they made it a modified Southern tag match- with Nathan Jones and Big Show being the worst possible Robert Gibson and Dennis Condrey so it was made better somehow. Plus it didn`t go very long. Why am I so filled with love for UT lately?
- Benoit and Rhyno take on TEAM ANGLE and I`m excited. Benoit and Benjamin have a neat little mat sequence before Benoit and Rhyno KILL Benjamin with a double shoulder block. Benoit and Rhyno are a really fun tagteam and very long feud with TEAM ANGLE would be great. Benoit recieves the HEAT SEGMENT~! and Hass is happy to be wrestling Chris motherfucking Benoit- as Benoit makes him look godlike for aminute there. TEAM ANGLE cheats to win as Rhyno is finally subdued from his flurry of lariats and suplexes by Hass with a handful of hair. Benjamin hits a really nice superkick for a nearfall and they go to that commercial for that remake of RAMBO-FIRST BLOOD with Tommy Lee Jones. We return to Haas bumping big for Rhyno before they make with the double team and go for Rhyno`s neck. Haas with the Strangle Hold Gamma and cuts off Rhyno`s attempt to counter with a lariat and a tag. Benjamin makes with the Regal Cravate and I am in love with the wrestling stylings of Shelton Benjamin. Rhyno is great as face in peril and Benoit should probably do more to get the crowd behind Rhyno`s comeback. TEAM ANGLE do every double team they can think of until Rhyno finally hits a Spinebuster to get the hot tag. Benoit suplexes the living breathing fuck out of Haas while in the process of throwing Benjamin into the ringpost. Rhyno bumps big for Benjamin over the railing and Haas procures the upside down Indian Death Lock on Benoit after Benoit fights out twice until Rhyno makes the save. Rhyno destroys Benjamin with GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE! and flies over the toprope to the floor from Haas` lariat maybe? Benoit swarms on Haas with a Crossface and gets Haas to tap. This was fucking fun. I want this fued. You want this fued. Rhyno was great in this, bumping like a freak. Fun fun fun!
- Heyman vs Lesnar works because they did the tale of the tape. Lesnar gets jumped early. EVERYBODY goes facefirst into the cage but NOBODY BLADES?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK? Then Angle is a MAN and blades like Tomiaki Honma and I am satiated in my bloodlust. Heyman doesn`t take the top of the cage bump that Sherri Martel would have taken but it was about as good as you could get from this match. So, Angle is going to be at Wrestlemania afterall?
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Nidia visits the Playboy mansion and I`m supposed to be tittilated- my winky was to be all tingly with naughty bawdy fun! Fuck that shit. Playboy is for latent homosexual fratboys who are scared of a penis in their pornography- so fuck them and fuck Playboy. If she went to visit Larry Flint`s house or the HIGH SOCIETY mansion, well that`s another story. Josh gawks at Nidia`s big fake titties.
- Hulk Hogan FINALLY looks gay with the fuzzy boas, walking down the hall. You shouldn`t have work on a look for twenty years before you pull it off. Plus he is bitchy about things that Vince said about him. Unless they arm wrestle over a French whisk and end up in a Last Man In Chaps match, I could really give a fuck. At least Hogan and mcMahon talk at length so I can write the Al Wilson segment.
- Undertaker and Nathan Jones have a Tough Enough moment for some reason. Where are the hysterical RIBS?! HAHAHA! Will Nathan Jones get LEGIT~! stiffed and beaten by Bob Holly? Will he get breast implants? Why was that in front of a paying crowd? WHA?
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.