WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 5/16/2002
Oh geez, I can barely move. My wife made the Mexican Casserole and I`m chockfull of cheese, and beef and lettuce and salsa. Mmmm cheese... Then me n` the kids had a big batch of Vanilla Bean ice cream with that chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell. WOOOOOOOOO! Lemme put on my sweatpants! We`ll see how much of my overly large dinner is blown onto the living room rug as the WWE unravels this weeks SPORTS~! ENTERTAINMENT~! bonanza upon you- the gentle reader- and I- your long-suffering reviewer. But hope SPRINGS eternal that this will be a new night! A night of fabulous pro wrestling!
WHAT WORKED
- Vince fixing to blow a caustic old-man greenish load onto Stacey before almost nuzzling her boobies was a slice of reality TV that we in the masses of wrestling should see. I mean- WAS IT A SHOOT!?!?!
- Lance Storm was better when Yuji Yasuraoka was doing the heavy lifting for him in the Junior tagteam division of WAR but- here- he and Bob Sparkplug Holly have a good little match with your Big Valbowski and young Randy Orton. Orton whips out the European Uppercuts which I always give mad phat props to. Lance bumps all over the ring for Valbowski- the same Valbowski that throws punches as shitty as you will ever see a few seconds later. Orton basically no-selling the Superkick for the reversal into a win further indicates that the Storm push will be a later on down the road....
- Hulk Hogan is physically degenerating into a complete physical freak. With that helmet on, Hulk Hogan looks like an ape drawn by Jack Kirby. Possibly from Kamandi- Last Boy On Earth. Hopefully, he will degenerate into more like a Moonboy from Devil Dinosaur level of Living Kirbyism. And he`s limping because his hip has no calcium left! C`MON, COLE! HE`S BEEN MAINLINING STEROIDS FOR 20 YEARS NOW.
- D-Von vs Maven was very okay wrestling. D-Von sold the DDT like he was back in a three way with Bubba Ray against The Bad Breed and the Eliminators- in that he sold it like a particularly peppy hiptoss. It wasn`t very long and D-Von`s finisher is perfectly fine.
- Midgets fucking hot chicks is what this world needs far more of, wouldn`t you say? If the Camera Midget gets to ply young Stacy with his odd, possibly malformed love, I will back this play of the WWE 100%. We will all party and freak out just like we all did when we found out that furry Mexican midget freak Alushe was doing the Donkey Dance with a Mexican supermodel. Ah, those were good times. Midget MOUNTING FACE With PICTURES! AWESOME.
- Kurt Angle fucking rules and made the main event. Jericho looks better this week than last week- his kicks sucked but the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes was fun. Angle is suplextastic and the toprope Belly-to-Belly was fucking balls out. Edge was a good Ricky Morton in the match and HHH is a better Robert Gibson because he has an actual feared offense. The ending was all fun with everybody hitting their finishers before the BOOKING~! kicked in. Even the booking didn`t really affect the finish as the ref bump didn`t facilitate anyone with a sledge hammer running in. This was good. HHH looked all tough and shit bralwing into the crowd. There is hope yet for this god-forsaken show.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK
- BOY! Hogan was over in Montreal. They must all still remember him putting over Jacques Rougeau in Montreal for no apparent reason in 1996. His PROMO~! was like the ending of BRAZIL- what with him living in his own little dream world to escape the horrible real world. Sorry, grampa, the Professional Wrestling that IIIIIIII was raised watching reflected reality and helped you deal with realty. Some people were good, some people were bad, either could win so the fight never ended. As a child, that lesson helped me through life and smartened me up to the ways of reality more than about anything else. This whole angle is ugly. If it was Hogan as a delusional old man, I would be behind it- but the rubes are popping like freaks so it won`t be compelling or anything because he has no reason to be delusional, he`s still over. Vince vs Hogan is more fun than HHH vs Vince though just because these two gigantic assholes have such a history of ruining wrestling together to lean on and make it all weighty.
- There is nothing I hate more than a Cruiserweight three-way. Tajiri vs Kidman vs Hurricane was pretty much 3-way by numbers: the double team, the FALSE ALLIANCE!, the endless saves. This was basically a short string of finishers. God, that was a THREE MINUTE 3-way. Welcome to the worst of all possible worlds. Hurricane vs Kidman on PPV should be good. This ain`t.
- Rikishi rules it. Look at that sell of the clothesline. The Old School Belly-to-Belly. BUT! This was too short and Rico`s punches are fucking horrible. Plus: No naked male ass, no Worked column. Know naked male ass, know Worked column.
- HHH on the stick will not make anyone- me in particular- forget about Arn Anderson on the stick. It`s kinda like comparing Al Gore giving a speech to Jesse Jackson giving a speech. I don`t know what these guys need to do. i mean shit- go to the sources. Listen to some Gospel preachers and bring it to the stick like Dusty used to. ECW bonehead oratory stylings is so 1996. Doesn`t anybody try to sound sinister anymore? I mean Arn and Jake the Snake never had to go above a whisper and they were a thousand times more menacing than these bellowing yahoos. The opening was really shitty and obvious and shitty and obvious and shitty. Edge is all insectavoir in the close-ups and communtiy-theatre crappy on the stick. The crowd says ``what?`` alot. God, these are the worst angles in the history of wrestling. They should rewatch some MidSouth or get a GAEA tape or something and steal some ideas. The Edge vs Angle hair vs hair reminds of the classically shitty Bret Hart vs Jerry Lawler Kiss-My-Foot Match in set up and banal pay-off. Get some EMLL tapes to learn how to build up a hair vs hair match. Fuck, ask Eddy Guerrerro, he`s right there. He could hip them to Eddy/Love Machine Art Barr vs El Hijo Del Santo/ Octagon. As for more oratory criticism, Jericho later in the show tries to be menacing before getting into his Ayatollah Of Rockinrolla schpeil. God, Ric Flair is right there and I`m sure he would give him some insight on how to appear genuinely motivated to beat someone`s ass. Instead, it`s like an audition for Rock`s spot as main catchphrase reciTOR. Where`s the heart? Where`s the hate? It`s fucking professional wrestling, make me give a shit about you wanting to beat someone`s ass so I can enjoy it with you when you do.
- Speaking of shitty oratory, D-Von is supposed to be a Gospel Preacher? I don`t know about where you live, but Black Gospel Preachers in Richmond, Virginia are some of the greatest oratory masters you will ever hear. D-Von stumbles over his word and delivers his crappy lines with no conviction. The Black Gospel Preachers I know are ones like A Lincoln James. When I was a wayward young man, backsliding and going against my Southern Baptist upbringing by going out and drinking and dancing and disappointing as many young ladies as possible with my pathetic attempts at loving, after NWA Worldwide, they would show A Lincoln James sermon from the week before and- when he would get the part where he would go into a trance and just rhytmically spout scripture and speak of the love of God and rebuke sinners for falling short of the glory of God- fuck- in a drunken 25 year old`s stupor, I would almost denounce my wicked ways and write my name in the Lamb`s book of life and avoid the White Thrown of Judgement! Rock of Ages CLEFT FOR ME! ONE GLAD MORNING WHEN THIS LIFE IS O`ER, I`LL FLY AWAY! Then I would sober up and forget all about it and get a 40 of Crazy Horse and mount a magenta-sporting art chick. Anyway, D-Von`s gimmick is horrendous compared to what it`s amazingly half-assedly trying to imitate and it annoys me.
- Funaki assumes the role of a bulletin board. I liked it better when he assumed the role of participant in 4 star wrestling matches. But I`m fucking buck wild, Daddy.
- It was hot in Montreal and Tory and Stacy could poke their aveolis and cool the crowd of with some cool refreshing saline housed in their gigantic fake titties. Instead they go for cockblock heat by having Tajiri come out. Trish vs Stacy wasn`t indicative of this new strongstyle of wrestling the Divas are doing now, is it? When I see women who have forsaken nature to appeal to the groinular urgings of 13 year olds I feel the urge to quote the Confederate Mack- Real Wrestling, Real Titties, Real Drunk. Ain`t none of that here. Can I get a FUCKIN-A!?
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN