WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 9/13/2002!
Hiya! I give huge heaps of love to my main homie {mul}DOOMSTONE on the occasion of the birth of his son yesterday. Yeah, big Daddy.
I await the Smackdown Marriage Episode with less enthusiasm than I should because I broke down and read the Marriage Spoilers. I blame myself. I lacked discipline. Luckily, I didn`t read any spoilers aboot the actual wrestling. Let`s see what worked and what didn`t. It`ll be fun.
WHAT WORKED-
- Hardcore Holly gets served to Brock Lesnar. Holly has the shittiest punches in wrestling. Lesnar is awesome swarming on Holly and going for the FRONT NAKED CHOKE-OUT! THEN Lesnar decides to channel the spirit of Ray the Crippler Stevens and just bump bump bump bump bump like a freak while wrestling journeyman Holly- who earns mad phat props from me for taking the ENOOOOOOORME Released Belly-To-Belly on the floor from Lesnar. Lesnar with the STO and Kanemoto little dickish kicks to the face to further seal my love. My love for a man`s love of wrestling. My love for Brock Lesnar. Taz is totally king-sized explaining the mechanics of a move as lame as the bearhug. Lesnar does the Ganso Bomb but Holly sells like the blown Endless Powerbomb that it was- which makes me love holly even less. Lesnar does a little roided out rudoing to a Holly roll-up before hitting the finish. Lesnar sells the shot to his ever-shriveling testicles like a champ. If Holly had any offense past his dropkick that didn`t look like complete shit, I would like him a lot more.
- Eddy Eddy EDDY EDDY! Chavo chavo Chavo CHAVO! Edge once again prays to his Canadian God (Odin? Zeus? Geddy Lee?) to thank him for bringing Eddy Guerrerro into his life to make him look like he is more king-sized than he actually is. Eddy thanks his God that Edge is a better worker than some of the other guys he could be stuck with. Chavo bumps early and Eddy doesn`t beat the living shit out of John Cena like you think he would until THEY CHEAT TO WIN! then they really beat the shit out of John Cena and Edge assumes the Robert Gibson Role for once. Cena is hideous on offense and he isn`t in the ring long enough garner the heat neccessary to make the pop all big when he hits the tag- but LUCKILY Edge assumes the Ricky Morton role and the match keeps a rolling. Edge is far more fun absorbing an ass-beating because he is all fun with the facial expressions as the assbeat is being laid in. Eddy is YOUR MESSIAH. EDDY IS THE ONE UNIFIED TRINITY OF WRESTlING as he whips out the Rudo tactics. Chavo keeps up but doesn`t bring the inherent evil that Eddy brings. The hot tag sucked because the heat wasn`t there yet. Edge takes the KING-SIZED Psicosis bump into the ringpost and Chavo hits the Phattest Assed Brainbuster by anyone not named your Lord and Saviour Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy crushes the corpse of Cena with a FrogSplash and THEN THEY WHIP OUT THE MALE ASS! Million Zillion Jillion Stars. Chavo the Living Ass-Cannon wasn`t as good as Rikishi the Living Ass-Cannon- so this is like Edge was at Eddy`s bachelor`s party but instead of Rikishi`s fat ass as giant knockers Eddy is having his face rubbed into, it was like Edge couldn`t afford a good stripper and settled for one that wasn`t successful enough to get implants yet. Chavo the Ass-Cannon has a far better brainbuster than Rikishi the Ass-Cannon. But you can`t really make fabulous descriptive passages about Chavo`s tiny ass so I THINK WE`LL CALL IT A DRAW in terms of what I can do with it. Wait. And Chavo is fucking hilarious trying to calm down Eddy as Eddy was trying to understand the source of the smell surrounding his face.
- Stupid jackasses in Mini-apple-ass say ``You suck!`` while great motherfucking great Kurt Angle comes to the ring. FUCK YOU! HE RULES! Tellem, My Olympic Hero! They do need maskes, the maple-syrup chugging snowjerks! Yeah! Rey is a boy in man`s world! YEAH! ANGLE LIKES CUTE BOYS! Fuck the world! When you rule like Angle you can fuck Rey Misterio like the prime piece of undersized ass that he is! Fuck yeah, Angle! Fuck him! Fuck him hard! Angle is gonna fuck and fuck and fuck Rey Misterio Jr! FUCK YES! Fuckem Kurt! Fuckem! THIS WILL BE ENTER-TAINMENT! Let the hot fucking begin! Let the greased up manly.... Oh, they are gonna wrestle. Well, that`ll rule too. But I`ve SEEN that already. Where is the Hot Man-On-Man Action? I mean COME ON, Rey`s a piece- Angle would be done before the Island Boys show up at 3 minutes. It`s two men, there is no foreplay! Don`t you read the homo-erotic T-shirts of HHH!?!?!? DO YOU!?! Plus HHH`s T-shirt has the Nazi Iron Cross on it so it`s homoerotic and also kinky. Rey and Angle would be enjoying a tender moment of public homosexual fucking and it would be beautiful and we as wrestling fans would be healed by it. To quote the Firehose Album name: ``Sex With You Is Like Scientific Wrestling.`` Ooops! There`s the bell. They start up and I wonder if they will French kiss in an explosiong of passion that has been pent up for a lifetime. God! En Lieu, Angle decides to express his endless lust with gigantic fat-assed suplexes and it`s fun. He rides Rey like a hog but I cannot discern any wood. This is UHF though and the reception is pretty fuzy. They do a Gilligan being chased by the Giant in that one episode of Gilligan`s Island to allow Angle to begin expressing his hot love through insane bumps. Rey gets a rollup and I can`t find his lips and see what kind of gentle nuzzling they are doing. Angle expresses his love with a GINORMOUS Released Belly-to-Belly that actually matches Lesnar`s from earlier in the night. Angle cuts Rey off with another Released Belly-to-Belly and then he gets into a whole weird area with a side bearhug on the mat and the PROMO~! makes me think of Mandate magazine more than PRIDE 11. God, Angle has decided to just suplex the living breathing fuck out of Rey and we get to watch. Taz and Cole are really good at getting over the psychology of the match. The Rey Rey moonsault was fucking beautiful and it segueways to Angle bumping like a complete motherfucker AGAIN for a guy who weighs as much as his left thigh. They have some beautiful nearfalls as they are move to the fabulous fucking finish. God, that was fucking great. I`m spent. You`re spent. You know I love you. I`ll call you.
- Speaking of fucking. Fucking motherfucking great Chris Benoit takes on Rikishi and his gigantic fat ass. Rikishi`s fat ass is an allegory representing 12,000 bacon cheeseburgers. Benoit leans into the five arm like a man and then takes the Reverse Excalibur like a MOTHERFUCKING KING. Benoit kicks my sangre in his tiny testicles. We`re Polynesian- we don`t need gigantic penises to get it done, mama! Yeah, that`s right! You`ll laugh at first but you`ll be making me blueberry pancakes to make me stay past the morning! Yeah, that shits GOOD, baby! BELIEVE IT! AWWWWWW YEAH. Benoit avoids Rikishi`s giant ass by giving him the Electric Chair! Benoit is going to re-break his neck with an idiotic diving headbutt but Angle runs out and saves Benoit`s life! YEAAAA! Angle rules! Benoit pays the price for Angle saving the feeling Benoit`s leg by going facefirst into Rikishi`s River Styx Underworld Pungent Fecal-Coated Hellhouse! Some of you idiots will say this is stupid. Some of you bed-wetters will say that the best wrestler in the world shouldn`t have to have his face coated by a fat man`s ass! You will say, ``Gee, Dean, I`m a loser and wet my polyester pants whenever I see Momoe Nakanishi`s naked shoulder, but you have to say that MISAWA or Kobashi or VOLK HAN would never have to do that! It`s a disgrace and I am appalled! Oops, I think I wettem again...`` All I can say is that they could have Kurt Angle give birth to Mark Henry`s Glovechild and it is a great great angle because Angle and Benoit will end up beating the living shit out of each other and we`ll get to watch- and SECOND, Misawa doesn`t get to wrestle Kurt Angle so FUCK IT. THIS RULES.
- Benoit shows his tender side to Stephanie as he continues to try to put the blast on her sweet well-connected ass. He should have beaten the shit out of Matt because it just seemed like the right thing to do after gazing into the giant ass of Rikishi.
- They weren`t the Weathergirls but it was a fine version of ``It`s Raining Men.`` The vows were great. I loved Chuck being out of breath while being heartfelt. Billy was also fabulous. The video tribute to their love was mind-blowing in it`s beauty. I would have preferred ``On the Wings Of Love.``
- Torie Wilson wrestles Nidia and they ban Jamie Noble from ringside so THAT sucks. Torrie has better punches than Hardcore Holly. Torrrie leans into a corner thing and then wins with something. I was hoping this match was longer because I wanted to keep adding ``r``s to Torrrrrie`s name. This works because it edits my bad jokes far better than I ever would.
- Matt should hang out with Lesnar more. They should have a whole stable of Lesnar associates featuring Hardy and Orton. Heyman was great in this- being a bastard pest before being sent from ringside. Brock was awesome cheating like a motherfucker before being sent out. Then UT hulks up and it starts sucking it, though Matt does make UT`s ponderous offense look good. The ending was awesome as Heyman tries put his creepy ECW degenerate penis on a pregnant lady. Sarah tries to act and the UT takes a chairshot like a man. Brock menaces a pregnant lady and they are going the extra ECW-drenched mile to heat this up.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Undertaker is a dick to Matt Hardy who merely wants to congratulate his long-suffering pregnant wife. Fuck UT. Matt should have told him to suck his dick. Goat-blowing redneck motherfucker....
- Rico and Stephanie have a bad reenactment of an episode of Three`s Company when rico fools her into being in the wedding! It was kinda like one of those episodes when Jack was married and they changed the name to Three`s A Crowd. And Smackdown is sooooo Mr Furley-less.
- The wedding didn`t pull the trigger and THEN BROKE KAYFABE when Chuck and Billy say they are not gay!! I`m glad Bischoff had sense enough to have Jamal and Rosie beat the shit out of these two for disrespecting the Time Honored Traditions Of The Business. What, were they trying to be The Shane Douglas Twins 2002? Did Russo have a folder of shitty ideas laying around at WWE HQ and they figured they could shit them out in the ring here. They should have married and pretended to have homosexual sex because wrestling is a work and you can do anything when it`s a work. Bailing out on the work and trying to make it into a half-assed shoot was completely gutless and pussy-assed. To quote the righteous Reverend Axel Future, ``Being gay is carney as hell.`` Fuckin A, motherfucker. And why didn`t Angle and Benoit beat the shit out of each other when they were five feet apart. What- do they not REALLY hate each other? Gee- are they pretend fighting? Nothing is worse in the Professional Wrestling world than a worked shoot and this completely sucked dick. Yes. This completely sucked dick.
- I REALLY hope the Godfather isn`t Smackdown now. That would suck. He`s not a very good wrestler. The stuff about Chuck liking the hefty ladies was great though. Remind me to recite that same shpeil at Phil Schneider`s wedding.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN.