WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 9/6/2002
LITANY OF EXCUSES- I missed the 6 Minute Turnaround again for what was originally an easy explanation that got longer and more irritating as the day proceeded. I went over to the beloved, good-lookin` and multi-talented [mul]DOOMSTONE`s house last night- as he is expecting his first youngun and he needed my Mr. Furley-like assistance in concocting the soon-to-be-born bundle of joy`s crib. Fingers were crushed, backs of heads were bashed by planks as we swung them to and fro in a confined space- what with me making with my Curley Joe Dorita to [m]DS`s Shemp. We wept manly tears and hugged like men who had fought in the frontlines of Do-it-Yourself warfare. We drank our own urine and made a radio out of a potato and a razorblade. We finally made the call to my wife to get technical advice on the nechanics of the raising and lowering section of a crib and how to make it work without severing any fingers. So anyhoos, we watched the Smackdowns in-between burying claw hammers into each others` thighs and what a beautiful and bountiful wrestling-drenched bonanza it was. SO anyway, I decide to type a few notes into Hotmail and write it up at work after rewatching a few things this morning before I left for work. So of course, I get randomly drug tested at work first thing. I am a major cog in not having 8-inch gaslines explode across the state of Virginia so I can see the need for drug testing in my profession- so it isn`t like my friend who rightfully told Circuit City to shove their job up their ass because why the fuck would you give a shit if a stereo salesman is on drugs on weekends. Who is it going to actually kill? So I have no moral outrage for my drugtest since I can see the point to it and that point is other than corporate shitheads reminding the hourly worker that you have to make a certain amount of money before you any right to privacy in this country. And THEN I type up the workrate report all up Hotmail and copy it and paste to a new window and it of course deletes everything. Imagine my hearty laugh as I laugh at the foibles of modern technology! HAHAHAHA! Oh, Microsoft, you festering boil on the rancid ass of corporate America, how I motherfucking hate you. So anyways, lemme say FUCK YOU AND YOUR CUM-GUZZLIN MOTHER, MICROSOFT. I am typing this first part on my computer at home which runs unAmerican open source Linux so I`m posting my notes and finishing it off on this very message board when I get back to work. Bill Gates can suck my Linux-scented 18 inch dick. Again.
TO BE CONTINUED.
DEAN RASMUSSEN. Angry motherfucker.
(Disregard these notes, unless you would like to write a funny piece based on it.)
-REY REY vs Billy
-Proposal
-Jamie Noble vs Shannon Moore
-Randy Orton vs Brock Lesnar
-Rikishi and Edge talk about the Ass of Life- Rikishi makes it all philosophical so they don`t bleep out the word ``ass`` anymore
- Gay Positive Mark Henry vs Tajiri
- Brock/UT Summit
- DeVon vs Batista- Finlay chair thing
- Jamie Noble=dog
- Matt Hardy vs Hardcore Holly- Endless stream of nearfalls.
- Benoit and Angle start making fun of each other. Benoit makes five pack a day Popeye face. Eddy as prison peacemaker from the play SHORT EYES
- Crash vs Hurricane
- Angle/ Benoit/ Guerrerro vs UT/ Edge/ Rikishi: This is a match they should run every week. Benoit beats the shit out of UT and then sells getting the shit beaten out of him by Undertaker. Rikishi the overachieving third of the face team makes the dynamic great because you know that Rikishi could do the job at any moment. Edge prays to heaven everyday that he has Eddy Guerrerro to make him look God-like week after week. Edge does his weekly Ricky Morton impersonation- as Benoit and Eddy and then Angle beat the living dogpiss out of him. Benoit fucking MAULS him and Edge is a fucking MAN for taking it. Undertaker does the ref interruption but isn`t as good on the apron as Rock or Hogan- though he comes around later. Angle`s Kanemoto Belly-to-Belly isn`t nearly as impressive looking when you see Lesnar doing it on the same show. UT tags in after they should have prolly cut Edge off one more time and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Everybody hits some finishers- including UT eating a gigantic Benoit German. Rikishi`s offense is completely smoked by everyone else in the match but he does bring his fabulous Duplex of manly asscheek compartments of pungent taintilizing grub eliminatin` and applis it directly to Angle`s face- which is SUPER great because it makes Benoit laugh hysterically like Popeye again and causes he and Angle to start the living fuck out of each other and hopefully continue beating the living fuck out of each other until and on the PPV. If that match happens, I will be at Mulligan`s Sportsbar on Main Street when they show the Unforgivens. Quoth [mul]DOOMSTONE, ``Colored me Mulliganed``. The match isn`t even over yet, as Eddy is alone against three stoic and comical faces so he DOES FULL FUERZA GUERRERA WHY CAN`T WE BE FRIENDS ARM AROUND RIKISHI and I party and freak out. Then it gets superweird as Rikishi has a Momentchance moment and transforms his body into a complete ass-cannon. And Edge shoves Eddy`s face into it like Edge is Eddy`s frat brother and Rikishi`s giant asscheeks are a strippers big titties. UT with the chokeslam and another fucking great Smackdown comes to an end.
- Crash as the third Benoit, DeVon as everybody who votes in the state of Virginia.