SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/15/2002!
I`m not drunk this week, though if I were in Ottawa this week, I would be still recovering from the hangover- as I would have gone out and gotten drunk as a Stereotypical American with my #1 intercontinental homie, Ollie, on his 30th birthday. But I`m here in Richmond so I`m not. And now- MY FAVORITE SHOW~!
WHAT WORKED-
- Paul E sells the beauty of the Lessnar win over Hogan to the extent that you actually wanna see Hogan get his win back. I loved the crawling to his feet part. It was sooo Paul E-Channels-Bill Watts-Booking-Memphis. The heel is super strong and Heyman seems to be shooting for the ``totally pissing off the fans with the heels assholishness`` style booking that Watts was master of when it comes to how Heyman is booking Lesnar. Fat Ass Dave explained the finer points of Bill Watts booking last weekend and it makes sense to fit it in here. The other beautifuyl part was: The making of Rikishi into some kind of threat against Brock is a bit of a stretch. Brock takes the FATTEST ASSED BUMP IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING OVERGROWN ROID FREAKS to try to make Rikishi into something more than push fodder. It`s on! Rikishi gets the 1 and half hour push! Fuck it, I love Brock Lessnar.
- Hardcore Holly, Hurricane and Shannon Moore against That Big Mess o` Sweet Man Ass was fun. Holly`s punches suck. Holly`s chops suck. I dug the Capture Suplex though. Hurricane and Shannon Moore do an ode to Psicosis with the five step spinning cartwheel savate crescent kick and the Guillotine Legdrop and I love it. Chuck once again works his ass off and looks great getting on with the heel stompdown- getting extra points for channelling Arn Andersen with the front face lock until the hope spot by Moore that is cut off with the knee by Chuck. Billy was lacklustre though he gets points for the goofy tag. Chuck once again makes Moore look 250 pounds and Godlike before Shannon puts him over. HEY! FUCK YOU SCHNEIDER! I GET MATT HARDY! WOO-HOO! OMEGA REUNION, DADDY! A fued with Bob Holly and Matt Hardy is less than exciting for my favorite guy from OMEGA`s first Smackdown feud, but fuck it. Hardy will wrestle Eddy and Benoit at some point and I will love it.
- See, Benoit is gonna fuck Stephanie! AWRIGHT! Disregard my hatred of the ``Big Fake Titties Theatre`` below. Benoit can carry bad actresses. Let`s see Kawada do that. HAH! Benoit is soooooo #1 and the Best.
-Fucking rubes should be singing ``YOU ROCK!`` to the beat of Kurt Angle`s theme! HE RULES! The set-up for the Henry Big Bossman sitdown thingy was preposterous but the ankle thing was nice- as Henry actually sold it and did some nice in-ring bumping as Angle was taking his ankle out. From that point on, the kneebar and matwork had meaning. The roll into the ankle lock was sweet- as was the giant bumping by Angle to assist the genuine feel of the Henry comeback. The fact that Angle let go of the ankle lock after Henry tapped was upsetting, as a real bastard would break some bones to get over their heelishness. Angle fucking BLADES FOR REY and THUS- yes- Angle is SOOOOO #1 and The Best.
- Brock and Rikishi was a good little match. Full Worldwide point for the littleness of the match- with the lil mat section before Brock starts working on Rikishi`s shoulder. This was as fine as a Rick Fuller vs Kendall Windham WCWSE match from 1998. The Lesnar Belly to Belly was comepletely balls out and great looking. Lesnar sells like a KING for Rikishi and makes it a real match- though Heyman goes the extra mile by even taking in the Pungent Gluttial Wasteland Where Yesterday`s Lunch Of Rikishi Lives to allow Lesnar to get the win with his not-as-cool-as-his-bearhug Finisher.
- Funaki interveiwing Nidia works works works because Funaki gets to TOUCH IT! Meanwhile, Bautista turns on D-Von and I try to wonder why they would even think of interrupting Nidia and Noble reenacting the Chris Candito- Tammy Sytch SHOOT relationship like Dennis Quaid portrayed Jerry Lee Lewis in GREAT BALLS OF FIRE. I await Nidia implants being auctioned off on Ebay. And Funaki vs Noble would be fucking great. FUNAKI`S MOUNTING FACE- GEAR UP FOR IT! Noble with the flannel shirt in his back pocket and U R SPENT with love! Nidia vs Torrie was perfectly fine wrestling- as Fit Finlay is about to become the Ultimo Dragon of the WWE. Nidia and Noble cheat together like young lovers will when the scariest thing ever explodes on the screen! NOOOOO! NOT KANE ON SMACKDOWN! NO! Oh, they are just teasing it. You know he`s getting stuck on SCHNEIDER IS RUBBED RAW! because Vince loves me now for whatever reason.
- Eddy and Chavo talk in funny voices. Eddy vs Edge as a feud would mean a large wad of quality entertainment. The tag match is fabulous. Eddy and Chavo are rudos like you would think as they bump like freaks for Edge early and then Eddy starts beating the living dogpiss out of Edge and you love it. Chavo cheats like a bastard as they have a lil HEAT SEGMENT~! on Edge before the hot tag to Rey makes for the Powerbomb by Eddy to the transition to offense and we get the third cool ass Southern tag for the third consecutive week. Eddy mauls Rey Rey and Rey Rey sells it like a king. Chavo is not as good as Eddy but he serves up the Rey Rey hope spot and Eddy is the HEAT MACHINE cutting Rey off before the Edge hot tag. Eddy takes the world`s stupidest bump before the expected Angle run-in happens. I TRULY dug the Chavo dropkicks to the face of Rey Rey while Angle is snapping Rey Rey`s spindly ankles. Heyman understand`s the Professional Wrestling.
- Let`s watch Benoit give The Rock his win back. First they interview the Rock. The Rock speaks about squealing and almost takes Announcer Boy`s anal virginity. THAT would have been entertaining. Rock gets the Benoit Tap-Out over to the fans but you can tell the idea of sweet announcer ass, white cheeks of velvet-voiced love spread out and quivering in a manly way in front of him is ruining his concentration. The match itself was ultrafine. The Rock does the Ricky Steamboat deep armdrags and they go old school by working out of a headlock into the running the ropes. Benoit hits a gigantic Vertical Suplex and starts the beating of the Rock- working on the back and making hamburger of the front. Benoit`s chops are fucking beautiful. Rock hits the Koji Kanemoto running Belly to Belly. Benoit hits the Locomotion German Suplex and IT ROX. Rock sells it like a KING- as they move into the Rock`s slow-burning comeback as he fights out of the armbar. Rock hits the DDT and crawls on the ground long enough to make it all dramatic and shit as he finally makes the cover for a two count. I love how the Rock Bottom is countered into the Crossface so easily, making the feigned finishers that much more fun. Benoit hits the Diving Headbutt but sells his neck long enough to allow the Rock to kick out. Rock gets the Sharpshooter on and I await the run-in. Instead Benoit makes the ropes and Lesnar finally appears and the Crossface appears again. Rock does the fun sell again. But he makes the ropes after a SUCKING IT UP! and gets his win back. That fucking ruled. I want Rock vs Benoit for 45 minutes. Hell, Rock vs Lesnar will be good. Lesnar vs Benoit would fucking rule it.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Back Street Boyz? I`m not watching that. Well, maybe if they do that dancing with the chairs thing... or was that NSynch? Either way, you can`t tell me those fellas aren`t cute.
- Dawn Marie and Stephanie have a very lacklustre episode of ``Big Fake Titty Theatre``. Kinda BayWatchian, Stephanie is super stiff. Heyman should hire John Waters to direct these segments. They are so not trashy enough to be entertainment. It`s like watching Shannon Tweed try to actually act without your Cinemax Pay-Off of her sprawled across a pool table nekkid with a guy she`s about to kill. It`s ``PORKY`S on TBS``-level lame.
- Rey Rey vs Angle will be fine I guess as long as they keep Rey off the stick. Yeesh. Mark Henry comes out and challenges Kurt Angle so I gotta watch Angle try to carry him. Howabout another 6 man like last week? I would enjoy that far more. Stick the Rock in it and make it all molten again. This is all Filler Whining to fill this side of the ledger so it doesn`t look like the WWE started making my car payment or something. BENOIT~! MOTHERFUCKAH!
- That muppet of Eric Bischoff doing the Subway commercial was confusing? Where`s the thin guy? Why wold they want the chunky and bloated animatronic Bischoff hawking your lowfat sammiches, I would think. That`s the kind of industry idiocy that has put our economy in the state of fear and distrust that we are in.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.