your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/5/2004~!
(I volunteered to go pick up the kids in Toano tonight and I was going to be a little late so I said, "Hey Sugah, you should write it until I get back." Since she is pregnant and does not want to be in a car for two hours, she said, "Sure, I'll do it." My wife really hates wrestling. As you can tell. [She went on to say something to the effect of "I don't hate wrestling when they wrestle. As opposed to this shit".])
Young Angela writes:
WHAT WORKED-
-The fist--is there anything more homosexuality-laden than that?
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
Match 1--Van dam verses somebody is really bad. Did someone tell them at wrestling school to keep their knees bent at all times? This is like slow motion wrestling---do something. Ok, someone just moved past a snail's pace. My, this STINKS. I cannot buy that the long shorts guy is so hurt that he can't move--what does a lack of activity make him so lethargic that falling off a ledge seems impossible? Thank God--a commercial....Oh look Van Dam's back went out since he is older than dirt. Why would they start out the night with such a sominex of a match? Is suplex in either of these wrestler's vocabulary? Ok, I think Van Dam might bring in a ribbon or ball for his rhtymic gynastics routine. Please let this match end or let Dean come home.....
Booker T "I can beat that slack ass white boy with my right testicle alone."
I just love Eddie. Why are the three boob jobs with him non-latino? If they are trying to push the latino market, why not make the WWE bimbos from varied backgrounds? I think some latino women have breast enlargements, don't they. I'm sure that this procedure has crossed over to all cultures. Doesn't Sable have children she needs to be tucking in to bed? I know this is for charity but come on. I don't think the thought of Sable would raise anyone's "value". I think she was around before I had kids and got old? Does WWE have a plastic surgeon on retainer? Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.
Yeaaaa! Dean is home and I don't have to watch this shit anymore.
_+_+_+_+_+_
And I'm DEAN! Angie is still cursing at the shittiness of Smackdown. I will start my section NOW!
WHAT WORKED-
- I missed the whole Orlando Jordan deal (though I regret not coming late home late enough for Angie to experience the aastoundingly shitty punches that Dupre was serving up. I do get here in time for KURT MOTHERFUCKING ANGLE! Hey, against Charlie HAAS! Awesome! Hey, they start with a nice mirror sequence. You can see the rust but he is still all good. Angie asks about Miss Jackie is at ringside and her relationship with Haas and I explain the "Latent Homosexuality Transplanted To The Girl At Ringside" theory but she was more interested in talking about how old Sable looked. Angie notes that this is really better than the first match. And a commercial! I would spend this time thinking of CRZ's pretty hair, but my wife is watching it with me tonight so everything is all funny and weird. I WALK THE LINE! I refrain from my weekly comment about Lee Remi's buttocks. Angle with the Front Chancellory! Angle works the neck and Charlie fights to a vertical base but Angle cuts him off by overpowering him. Haas goes on offense after catching Angle with an elbow off the ropes and hits a nice suplex for two. Angle cuts him off with the sweet belly-to-belly and goes back to working the neck. Angle with the Body Scissors and Johnny Valentine smiles down from hell. They edit Kurt's punches so I assume they were not ready for Prime Time. Angle bumps like a fucking idiot to the floor. Angle goes Psicosis-like into the corner post and this baby is heating up. Haas hits the Moonsault AxeHandle (yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyep.) and I weep at the lovely goofiness. For some reason, that isn't a finisher and Angle Yamazakis into an ankle lock and Haas escapes. Angle Slam and nasty looking Ankle Lock for the tap and Angle is God-like with the refusal to release the hold. Kurt Angle motherfucking rules.
- Angie has wandered off to wash dishes just as the MicroTouch commercial enters our lives again. I whisper to myself, "Yes, make me hairless oh beautiful state-of-the-art shaving device. I want to shave it all and show my hot bod...."
-THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:
Baron grabs a roll of nickels and then grabs Al Wilson's hair and lifts Wilson's head up. He grabs the roll and smashes his loaded fist into Al Wilson's temple. Wilson collapses.
"I cannot deal vith you right now, mein freunde." Baron slumps into his swiveling captains chair and drifts into his own mind.
Baron is awakened by the dog stratching his side with his leg knocking against the frame of the bed. "JED! You leave now!" Baron stares at his wife as she sleeps and thinks to himself, "Shelly, oh Shelly.... I express my love with my body. And I express my love with my words. If only there was a way to make you FEEL how I feel...." Baron sighs. "If only you could TRULY know how much I love you." And a thought enters his head. "My sweet baby. My only love....." Baron stares at his hands. "The claw. I should give her ZE CLAWW........."
TO BE CONTINUED.
- London and Kidman defend the BELT! It's the Basham brothers. London wrestles like the fourth Youngblood tonight for some reason. I awaited a war dance. Kidman does bring the bumping to the tag team and I can't deny it. Bashams look like shit early on- what with the bland double teams and super loose strikes. Kidman hits a nice dropkick for his first hope spot. London with some nice House A-Fire lariats and fruity dropkicks. Kidman DIES against the rail and London hits a SWEEET Firebird Splash and the pin. The tag title scene is still awesome.
- Rey Rey and Spyke tag together- as I'm assuming that Spyke will turn on Rey Rey by quarter till. The Dudleys come out. Spike hurts his knee and Rey Rey now has to try to look as cool as Barry Windham selling the asskicking while being let down by his partner. Bubba hits a fucking BEAUTIFUl elbow drop. And another and ANOTHER. Rey Rey's first hope spot involves DeVon selling his lips really weirdly. Devon and Bubba are great making Rey Rey's comebacks look really good before the logical finish of Rey Rey losing. SPIKE TURNS! Unbelievable! Luckily they make the obvious turn fun by having Spike put Rey Rey through a table. Dudleys rule. Rey Rey RULES.
- AWESOME! RUSH! Fly by night away from here. Change my life today.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- JBL and MUGAtaker talk a while. JBL is fun doing the Jericho turn on Canada but in Texas. HEY! MUGAtaker is a midget! Because making fun of handicapped people is FUN! I explain to Angela that wrestling is sometimes really retarded. JBL makes fun of the wee person. WAIT! A NINE FOOT UNDERTAKER and JBL is now 13 inches tall! In my dreams. JBL does lean into the big boot like a MAN. Orlando Jordan? Ahhhh, who gives a fuck. And he chokeslams the adorable little person. So filled with hate....
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.