your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/8/2004~!
I'm really fucking late we were driving around Chesterfield county looking for someplace to eat when we realized that everybody in the tri-county area dines out on Thursday. We end up at Applebees because my daughters are weirdly fixated on it ever since my mother took them there once. I get the Southwest Sirloin and try to find dirty words in the Berenstain Bears Word Search. I found (I'm NOT kidding) the words "gism" and "hoe". It was great. But I missed a bunch of Smackdown. Ain't that just a bitch. Oh, my two year old son was in the frontseat of the car while we were waiting for my wife to settle up the tab inside and he headbutts the windshield and leaves a giant spiderweb crack and doesn't bat an eyelash. He'll be beating my ass and drinking my beer when he is NINE.
This will be suitably truncated.
WHAT WORKED-
- Hey! I turn on the television machine on and Billy Kidman hits the Shooting Star Press and he and Paul London are World Tagteam Champions! Why- that's pretty fucking cool. I'm assuming the match was built around Paul London's superior babyface selling. When we return, the Dudley's aren't happy. The postmatch indie handshake would have been better if the Dudleys had clotheslined them and left them in a pool of their own blood. But I'll take it.
- Perfectly groom bushy eyebrows IN SECONDS! They still hide the fact in the commercial that MicroTouch isn't available to placate the ladies' love anymore- now that information on it's sleek and sassy wife, the BikiniTouch, has been leaked to the press. We could all use a little BikiniTouch. Mmmmmm soooothe me, BikiniTouch, yeah, sooothe me.... so smooth. I'm now so hairless....
- Kenzo loves America. Fucking shitheads in Winnipeg don't understand that immigrants come to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave every day to get a second chance in life. God knows Kenzo Suzuki has to be happy that he is getting a second chance in the WWE because God knows he couldn't cut the mustard in Japan. The more his geisha talks the more I join the 47 year old virgins who are spurting out chalky, gummy load of spunk over their Lando Calreesien figurine onto their Marine Boy autographed original artwork cels. We come back from commercial and John Cena shows up. Oh. It has nothing to do with Kenzo Suzuki. Oh actually it does. Horseshu helps Kenzo because he can'tsit idly by and let Cena suck up to Canadians at the expense of an immigrant to the sacred soil of America. Fuck THAT. Break his fucking neck, HORSHU! Do it for the Spirit of America! Horshu is a great American hero and you should thank him for standing up for American Pioneer Values. This great nation was built on the backs of people who struggled to reach these shores to find a better life. THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER, BREAK HIM! BREAK HIM! BREAK HIM FOR THE GOOD OF THE HUDDLED MASSES THAT YEARN TO BREATH FREE. FUCK YEAH. BREAK HIM!
- El Grand Luchadore isn't Scott Armstrong so this doesn't get me all stiff and bulging. WHO COULD IT BE? JBL's hand sanitizer is fucking brilliant. I don't know if y'all listen to Paul Harvey- or if people under 35 can even hear the high pitched squeal of broken hips and beachball-sized prostates that Paul Harvey represents- but he will go on and on about how everyone should do the Harvey Handshake- which is a "snappy salute"- because shaking hands spreads so many germs. It's fucking creepy. Really creepy. Like What The Fuck This Guy Have Buried In His Basement-level creepy. Everyone who listens to the freakish weirdness of Paul Harvey knows EXACTLY what that's all about. Isn't El Grande Luchadore WEARING EDDY'S PANTS? Could it.... could it.... could it..... SWEET TOPROPE Belly to Back SUPLEX by JBL. Eddy shows up on the other side and HIJINX ENSUES! Eddy is the SECOND BEST VILLANO EVER! and they do the switch! Eddy is the BEST POSSIBLE MIDNITE RIDER! JBL looks fucking great selling the Yellow Dog's offense. El Grande Luchador do the full Charlie Brown From Out of Town hint and we all hope that they can find a Moondog to assume the mask and state that HE IS EL GRAND LUCHADORE while Eddy holds the microphone. That would rule. This wasn't bad at all though- from a fun and goofy angle standpoint.
- Rey Rey and Spyke and Scotty and Chavo and Akio and Jamie Noble all wrestle each other. Rey Rey goes all Monterey with the spinning High Octapus Hold. Chavo with the Cobra Clutch VARIATION~! Noble is awesome in his Benoit Lite wrestling turn. I love a short clothesline. Rey Rey is fucking great with the babyface comebacks and Chavo is fucking beautifuller with the Rudo cutoffs. Chavo bumps like a freak to the floor. Noble cuts off Scotty's comebaclk with an EXACT BENOIT FOREARM TO THE HEAD- open mouth and everything. Spyke is fun with the nearfall. Scotty is smoked like a cheap cigar but doesn't bring it down. Akio kills himself for your pleasure and Jamie Benoit kills Spyke with the Lyger Bomb and it's New Japantastic! Fun.
- Cena and Booker T have a little match. Cena is busted up so Booker T controls early! Booker works the arm and Cena does that selling that he does so well. Booker's offense is goofy in the cutting off of the comeback of Cena. Cena does a Road Warrior Hawk House Afire comeback with the lariat and shoulder block. The fist drop actually looked good this week. They avoid each others finishers and Cena bumps big to the floor. Angle whacks Cena with a cane. And we go to a commercial. Join me as we think about CRZ's pretty hair. It's driving a 1973 SuperSport and it does a powerslide iinto a roadhouse on the side of a desert road. It's leather jacket is dusty. It's faded jeans are torn. It's black t-shirt has the album cover from Nazareth's No Mean City on it. It lights a cigarrette and smiles a grim smile at me and I jump in the car without opening the door! It gets a wheel as it runs over the Harleys of the gang that fucked with it earlier. It opens an ice cold Olympia and hands it to me. I chug it like a man and slowly and with uncertain anticipation I take off my shirt... And we're back! Booker T with a bunch of two counts. Cena is selling everything pretty well. Cena with the Flair last ditch shoulder up and it's pretty fun. Booker T with the multiple pin attempts as Cena sells like he is dead. Cena with a roll-up and he leans into Booker T's lariat like a fucking CHAMP. Cena ducks one of those shitty Booker T kicks and Booker T makes his DDT look fucking beautiful. Booker with a nice vertical suplex for two. Straight punches to the face and Cena starts the Steamboat comeback sequence. Hijinx at ringside and Booker T misses a shitty finisher kick and Cena hits the FU annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd the shitty run in. Good little match with a shitty finish. Postmatch, it gets retarded as Angle strips Cena of the title. Soooooooooooooo shhhhhhtupid.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- There is STILL no chemistry between Booker T and Josh. Josh tries to make it work but they are from two different worlds. Their movements are awkward and cautionary. They make moves towards each other but it's empty gestures that leave no ordinance. Josh never sees the shining light of happiness that Booker T should give to him. Booker T's naked eyes never enter Josh's private world. Booker T is wide and deep as an ocean but Josh will be never be breathless and relieved on his shores...
- DeVon acts like this an 8th grade production of Brigadoon. Well, it wasn't THAT good. They are upset that Spyke Dudley isn't IWGP/Triple Crown Champion yet for some reason.
- The diva search makes me realize that some women don't have the self-esteem to get facialed on UncutBFIdriverBigLoads.com and would settle for being confused with the rest of the transexuals in the WWE.
- The Heyman - MUGAtaker gets even more completely retarded this week. He returns the urn. Yes he does. The urn is returned. The urn was gone but now Heyman has returned it. The urn is back. The urn is no longer out of the possession of Undertaker. The urn is UTs. The urn. Golden. Returned. Heyman is repennant. But nothing actually happens. Because this angle sucks. And it's really long.
- The Crazy World commercial makes want to put cigars out on punkass twentysomething spokesman's forehead until a sore forms that's so infected that he would need my pee to disinfect it. Then I would pee on him so he would be disinfected. And he would learn a stern lesson: my pee is important to him now.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.