your MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT 7/1/2004
It was surf and turf night so I'm filled to the gills with boiled shrimp. I am swilling down Keystone LIGHT! Their slogan is "Always Smooth." And who am I to argue? I mean, I don't care. I got twelve of them, a nice steak and you, the beloved reader. Let's why don't you and me sit right down and watch some really shitty wrestling. Shall we? All right.
WHAT WORKED-
- JBL is careful not to shake hands with just anyone. He has hand sanitizer and the cheap heat is fabulous. He will only kiss certain babies. America needs a champion? No. HEAVEN needed a champion..... Bunting made it classy. I feel a Buddy Landel Falls off The Wagon angle on the way when Eddy shows up.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:
Bill was trying to get his Tim Teufel jersey into his duffle bag. He is more bemused than angry. "I can't believe you fucked her. I didn't even get a chance to call dibs on her."
"You fucked up, mein fruende. Some zings are more important than your rock and roll and your beloved baseball. You left her in my care and sometimes... things develope. Unexpected things. She vus more zan I can actually share vith you."
"Oh fuck that. You snaked her from me, you will now tell me how responds when you come in spikes up."
"Oh, you are a cazanofah, young Bill. I'm sure you may have had better. I am not so lucky vif the ladies so I get happier over anyzing. Let's just say zat she vus the best I ever had."
"Better than Amanda? NO WAY!"
"Oh yes. Amanda vus a hurricane of love. She vus inZATiable. Susan is different."
"REALLY? Cause, you now I fucked Amanda a couple times after and while y'all were breaking up. She was motherfucker BOSS, chief. I'd still be tagging that if I could."
"Vell, Susan is different. Very fragile and emotive in her LOVE. It is more of a writhing, passionate love. Amanda vas more of a marathon."
"Fuck that. Amanda was the fucking Tour de France."
"Yes, she vuz more woman than any man could handle. I vish that I had actually loved her. I still have the scratch marks on mein back."
"No way. I thought I was tearing it up. She did that to everyone?"
"She did it to me. I don't want to talk to ze two dozen felons and bikers she fucked since we broke up."
"Oh well. Either way. Goddam."
- Charles Robinson is in an angle! It can only point to a Nitro Flashback where he dives 20 feet in the air lands completely wrong on his shoulder for our pleasure. JBL comes out and tells Rey Rey that he loves those people in beautiful homage to Ross Perot addressing the NAACP that time.
- Rey Rey wrestles. It's Mordecai. Hmm. I guess Kenzo Suzuki versus Rey Rey will have to wait a week. Rey Rey sells Mordecai's Okay Better Than Bryan Adams-level power offense. Rey Rey's punches are 400% better looking than Mordecai's. Mordecai blows a couple of spots and then does the job? WHAAAA? I welcome you to the Val Venis Realm of midcard jabronie, young Mordecai.
- Ah sweet MicroTouch. You DO remove unsightly ear hair with just a touch! Powerful for the tough stuff! But gentle enough for the most sensitive areas (then show the beloved MicroTouch going South of ^The Border- perhaps to carve out a Dale Earnhart "3" commemorative pubic area.) We pledge our love to you, MicroTouch.
- Sable and Torrie come out and wrestle. Torrie is sporting the lime green outfit that matches the lime green festering loads that a nation of 45 year old virgins toast over their Cerebus Collector Guides onto their Elfquest fingurines. Match was pretty good actually. Considering. Except Charles Robinson didn't die for our pleasure. OH WAIT! Angle comes out and says, "SOMEBODY dies tonight!" Robinson says, "Fuck yeah, BRING IT ON!" I don't know if Luther Reigns can actually throw Robinson high enough to make Robinson happy. We return and Charles Robinson kills time until he can.. CHARLIE HAAS? What the fuck? Oh well. We'll always have the late 90s.....
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- RVD and Booker T and the WANG! Booker T throws decent punches in the corner. Dupre throws REALLY shitty punches. RVD is best looking in this match and he doesn't look that good. Booker bumps to the floor and they set up a shitty Van Daminator and my hatred is complete. Dupre bumps like a fucking psycho over the top rope and I feel love. And we go to a commercial. CRZ's fantasy hair is mad at me. It's pouty and wants to punish me. I caress it and make that "What's the matter, pookieboo?" face and the hair is happy again and smiling at me as it elbows me in the ribs. It then lathers up with a heapin helpin of Pert and it seductively pours a jug of spring water over itself and it reacts to the coldness and we both laugh and fall to the tall grass as I.... Dupree hits a perfectly fine fistdrop and Renee is the best thing in this match. Then they do stupid 3-way dance crap. Dupree brings it back by COMPLETELY unleashing the WANG. They set RVD headfirst into the chair for TWO? They do a bunch of nearfalls. Booker T wins in actually compelling way. This deeply needs Chris Benoit, Perry Saturn, Fit Finlay and Rick Martel. Nope nope nope and nope.
- PAUL BEARER IS HURT! Cole and Tazz are fucking hilarious trying to sell this as some sort of SHOOT ANGLE!~! Paul Heyman comes out and they do a really long batch festering dogshit about Paul Bearer and the MUGAtaker. I used this time to pee. I went and got a beer. I talked to my wife about maybe making more Medditerenean stuff because we haven't had hummus in a while. I check on the boy and he was asleep. He actually watched a few minutes of Smackdown before he went to bed and I promised him that we would watch the NOAH tape that Tim Noel gave me so he would be raised right.
- Warm Sensations Trojans? THAT WARM SENSATION IS YOUR BRAND NEW GENITAL HERPES WHEN THE MOTHERFUCKER BREAKS IN THE MIDDLE OF hot spurty LOVE! Don't be a fool, my tender youthful charged up lovemachine. Get a Sheik Elite.
- I want to throw lit cigarettes at the hair of the guy in the Crazy World anti-smoking ads until his hair actually catches on fire. THEN! I would be a HERO as I pee on his head to put it out. I don't want him to die. I just want him to NEED my PEE. Yes. My pee....
- Spyke ACTS! All the Dudleys ACT! Is there really a question about why Spyke was picked? Maybe this is some kind of SWERVE! Oh who gives a fuck. LATER ON. The match. They comically bring up the Rey Rey match. Spyke is overpowered. Spyke is punched in the face. Spyke gets a weak flurry of offense. JBL beats on him a bit. Spyke with a shitty flurry. Nice elbow drop by JBL and I wait for this shit to end. Nice nearfall on the acid drop. Second lariat was the best. EDDY COMES OUT! Perfectly fine considering the booking idea but not actually good. HEY, A CAGE MATCH! I'd be into that- considering what a couple of blade freaks these two are. Eh, still not enough.
- Kenzo Suzuki. The Natron Means shirt was nice. Cena accuses Hiroki of being a cum-guzzling whore and it's fun. See back in the 70s, this would have lead up to David Carridine beating the fuck out of the peckerwood in slow motion. We live in shittier times now, it seems- making fun of the foreigner on tv-wise.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.