your mighty wwe smackdown workrate report- 6/17/04
chavo classic is gone so this show sucks. i'm drinking myself thin this week with the milwaukee's best lite. i can't drink enough to bring myself to get excited about this show. maybe if i don't use upper case letters, it will shake me into loving this smackdowns again. on the upside, i finally have a lawnmower and it is manly-meaty and scrappy and knocks a 3 run dong every time. i bought it from a man on shiloh st who had the skin texture that says he does more work before noon than i do all month long. i talked him down five bucks. fuck yeah.
what worked-
- the secret adventures of al wilson:
billy ray was in a daze in the corner of the alley and baron was getting to his feet. "billy ray, vat the fuck just happened? who zas roger?"
"quarterback on my team when i was 12. it was sorta like you n that mike fella when you were 13."
"fuck. vat in the fuck. noone should ever know any of zis."
"yeah, no shit. i mean, i ain't queer or nuthin."
"yes, i know. i vould like to meet zis diane girl."
"fuck yes you would, brah. i'll trade you for that caroline gal."
"i sink zat vould be a good deal."
"i need a fucking drink. i'm buyin'."
"yeah, let me get susan."
"yeah, sssuuusssan...."
2 B CONT.
- HEYYY! I forgot that I bought donuts at Ukrops when I was getting the other 5 dollars to go with the 30 I put down on the lawnmower. That's worth a couple capitalizations- as is Eddy showing up on my screen. I can now dunk Ukrops doughnuts into my Milwaukee's Best Light Premium Beer! I HAVE DEFILED THE PRISTINE VIRGINAL UKROP's DOUGHNUTS BY COATING IT IN THE SPRAY OF THE SWILL REDNECK BOOZE BOUGHT AT SPENCER'S EXXON- (a place so fucking great that it's FULL SERVICE with self service prices. You should drive to there from where ever you are just on GP.) THIS IS A SACRIFICE I MAKE! I MAKE TO THE WRESTLING GODS TO MAKE ME NOT HATE WWE ANYMORE!!!! Meanwhile, Doug Basham wrestles Eddy and there is a lot of ref bump and Eddy works a sleeper and it garners actual heat. Eddy does the beautiful double head scissors andf LOVE MACHINE SPALSH for the quick pin. Then Eddy whaps Danny in the nutsac! MARBLE HOLDER! SPUNK DYNAMO!
- cena makes fun of the handicapped but gives angle a hat, so it's okay.
- funaki is so the new humpty hump telling a lonely and sensitive josh that he got served. brock is gone and now josh must suffer this. i want to hold him in my arms and tell him that its going to be okay. angle dug "dowhutchalike" but the "humpty dance" and "nose job" made him make sure that there could never be a japanese shock gee. thus he unleashes... horshu? (is that actually horshu? i never figured it out.)
- oh kenzo suzuki is so fucking bad. this works because it is so hilarious listening to tazz and cole try to fool the world into believing that they aren't actually watching animated feces try to do an armbar. the geisha is worthy of the loads all the 35 year old virgins toasted over their evangelion figurines onto their cases of asparagus pocky. poor spike dudley sells the shitty ed leslie-level kick to the back. suzuki is sooooo the imported kurrgan. he is soooo mantaur without the cool get up. he is sooooo not as shitty as kevin nash though.
- chavo classic's last match in the wwe and it is a somber moment. chavo classic with the awesome takedown. chavo with the fuckin moonsault! then chavo classic rudos the offense and the era ends.
- EMBARRASSING NOSEHAIR!??! GONE LIKE THAT! YESSSSSSSSSSSS the return of the sweet sweet MicroTouch. I will shave it all off and show the world my hard body. where have you been, sweet sweet MicroTouch Precision Grooming Commercial? i've missed you so....
what didn't work-
- the tag match was the most offhand title switch in the morbid shitty history of crapshitfuckshitastic shitty us tv wrestling. nice armdrags by haas. d-von needs to learn how to punch. haas and miss jackie both take fabulous bumps. the rest was the shittiest, most hackneyed finish and makes for a completely useless title switch. I shall get another beer and wait for more wrestling, with perhaps some semblance of worthwhile something will dilute the loss of chavo....
- paul heyman is going to kill paul bearer and this is the stupidest batch of shit in the history of retarded embarrassing shit put on telelvision. itself. now if they were filling up the casket with big show's post raw carp fecal spray, that would be the business- that would be the money match.
- so for the runaways who don't have the self-esteem to do triple anal on hardeesplumperupskirtnightshift.com, they can finally settle for the wwe diva pageant. winner gets to kiss mister mcmahon's ass!
- rippa called while jbl spun his jew-hatred/msnbc firing into an angle so i missed most of it. i heard the "mother teresa is a prostitute" so i assume christopher hitchens is writing his promos now. how was the anti-kissinger stuff?
- mordecai is still dressed in jeff jarrett hand-me-downs and has the dyed eyebrows that say "electra-woman and dyna-girl villain." be a fucking true psycho religious freak and speak in tongues and handle snakes. fuck, 90 year old charismatic baptists handle snakes, you fucking pussy.
- luther raines wrestles funaki. he kicks well. funaki flounders to offense before returning to his squashinization. well that sucked. luther gets on the stick. and i did not forget the existence of the oratory skills of jimmy snuka. luther then hits an angels wings and cole is into the squash!
-fuck! i get microtouch back but i also get the crazy world anti-smoking ads that make me want mash a whole marlboro hardpack through my actual chest and apply the cigarrettes directly to my naked lungs.
-yeah, she on board for the ben gay trojan condom when it breaks and she has genital warts the rest of her life. girlie, demand a sheik elite, my sister. lesions are such a turnoff.
- torie wilson stretches Old Glory with her leathery stripper skin and makes the continginous 48 pretty gamey.
- poor josh sleepwalks through his interview with booker t. there is renee talking about the recieving end of his french tickler. booker t reels his line off like that time joe montana was on saturday night live. comedy timing is not booker's strong suit.
- heyyyyyy, enzyte. jesus, this show doesn't end. END! ENNNNND!
- the fatal fourway is perfectly fine. rvd is on a hot streak. it's official. he hasn't made me truly wince in four weeks. renee and cena are good in the ring together. rvd with the baseball slide and FINALLY... we get to think about crz's pretty hair..... mmmmmmm prell with henna conditioner.... i envision an arty boheniam apartment.... a cast iron sink with seperate hot and cold water taps.... his wet hair files up over his head and moistens his muscular shoulders... strands of wet go across his eyes but his piercing blue eyes shine through, cruel and manly.... this is a very long commercial break. ah! here we go. rvd becomes a recipient of a beating and tazz becomes sprung as renee dances. it falls apart after that point and then the undertaker shows up and well, welcome to suck. god, does this wrestling company deliver some shitty television. peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyu.
there you have it.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.