your MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-6/4/04!
OOP! I'm late! Had to run to Toano, VA and pick up even MORE children to permeate my cul-de-sac this weekend- filling my house with 5 amazingly screechy little girls. Luckily, I do have a twelve of Milwaukee's Best Light ("LIGHT?!?! Is Dean actually GAY?" You ask. No. Gay people would stereotypically drink expensive wines. Confused overweight rednecks drink Lite Swill. I'm drinking it for the obvious reason. I'M GOING TO DRINK MYSELF THIN! WOO-HOO! I'M MELTING THE FAT AWAY! THAT'S RIGHT LADIES!m ,/ m,?M> ,) (I went to get a beer and my 23 month old son came over and banged on the keyboard. He seems fixated on "m"s. He also started saying the "I'm SPICY!" thing from the Burger King commercial and it is TOO adorable 2B B-Lieved. I'm serious. It's unbelievably cute.)
WHAT WORKED-
- Eddy and Danny Basham have a wrestling match. I was going to comment on how lethargic Danny is but he whips out the CRAVATE and mark out like a fricking 9 year old. They edit his punches. Danny sells the triple suplex like a postmatch indie hug and we go straight to the fabulous cheating to win.
- CHAVO CLASSIC DEFENDS THE BELT! The robe is FUCKING FLY- soo evil Terry Taylor in UWF. CHAVO CLASSIC wears the belt to the ring because he is old school as an absolute motherfucker. CHAVO CLASSIC punks Funaki like he's come across Verne Gagne and Vader making out behind a dumpster at the Cauliflower Alley convention. CHAVO CLASSIC bumps to the floor like fucking Violencia in 1997. Funaki does a Lee Scott offense and THEN. CHAVO CLASSIC. POINTS. TO. HIS. DICK. Chavito cheats to get CHAVO CLASSIC to win. The bitches pour over the roll to swarm on CHAVO CLASSICS junk. As it should be.
- Renee Dupree has fans and it sucks. The WANG cannot suck up to the masses. The masses must suck up to the WANG! Rey Rey comes out and we get to see what he can do with the Faux Francais stiff. Rey Rey does lots of Mini offense- which is disturbing. Renee Dupree's punches are fucking HORRENDOUSLY shitty. He does sell the hamstring well, I guess. Rey Rey's punches look like Dick Murdock's in comparison. Dupree is pretty good not fucking up selling ReyRey's offense. Dupree gets the deserved face pop for fucking up the ludicrous 619 setup. TAZZ is SPRUNG when Renee dances. Rey Rey steals a win and I wonder if Renee is destined to be this years A-Train. No, that can't be it. A-Train could actually work.
- HEY! A Hardees commercial reminds me that I ate ONE POUND of ground beef at lunch today- a 2/3 lb Big Burger and 1/3 lb mushroom and gravy burger. Uuuhhhhhhh, so good... so bloated.. so colon-destroyingly gigantic. We shall guess what we find in the terlit tomorrow. I'm sorry.
- JBL has some stipulations. He SHOULD be GREAT demanding respect from the Canadian rubes in attendence. He doesn't fucking insult them enough. WHAT THE FUCK? He can kick Mexicans in the ass but Canadians are off limits? WHAT IN THE FUCK? THEY'RE CANADIANS! YOU'RE A FUCKING TEXAN! THIS SHOW SUCKS! MY SISTER IS A GODDAM TEXAN AND SHE WOULD SET TORONTO ON FIRE TO GET THAT GIMMICK OVER IF THEY EVER ALLOWED HER ACROSS THE BORDER! (okay, he said "simple-minded Canadians. We protect you! Treat me with respect." Fuck it. It goes back up yonder. This show rules.) Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro in a bullrope match at the Scope in Norfolk? Fuck, I might make that trip.
- MUGAtaker versus Booker T should be good. If MT goes all old school, it works to the strength of Booker T. MT with the perfectly fine elbow drop. Booker T cuts off MT's signature spots and MT hits a nice legdrop and goes all BATTLtaker with the work on the arm. Yeah, this match is good. MUGAtaker bumps to the floor as we go to commercial. I join you in thinking about CRZ's pretty hair. Mmmmm... I bet it's strawberry henna or that Pert smell.... Sweet missile dropkick. MUGAtaker sells out of the sleeper and this is worked pretty smartly. Booker T cuts off MT's comebacks and finally succumbs to a MT suplex. They go completely Memphis by Punching To Transition. Booker T fights out of the Last Ride. Booker T succumbs to the Choke Slam. Aaaaaaand the shitty ending. The End.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- FUCK A BOWFLEX! I GOT MOTHERFUCKING MILWAUKEE'S BEST LIGHT! The fat is dripping offa me. That's right, ya gonna want me ta soooothe ya, momma... oh yeah..... no, I'm not sure what that smell is.....
- A bikini contest. Oh Jesus. Jamie Noble is supposed to be a redneck but looks like a real University of Syracuse UltraGuido in that tux. By the time Miss Jackie comes out, 46 year old virgins have already toasted pungent, chalky loads over their mint condition 1979 Comic Journal Year End Specials onto their Sinistro Hero-Clik Figures. Dawn Marie is Vampirella-esque enough to completely smoke the rest of the collective bleached leathery and swollen WWE Whorulon. I have children in my house so I turn the station.
- Morticai comes out and GOD is that outfit Frwoooty. I would like to thank him for praying for my sins. That hour spent on pigglywigglyproducedeptupskirt.com needs more than what I can muster on my own in terms of atonement. I think he is praying to Odin. Maybe Crom. He's not Southern enough to pull off this gimmick.
- Do you have what it takes to be the NEXT SECTION OF THE WWE WHORULON?!?!? Let's check in at WHORULON TECHNOLOGIES where Professor Whorulon and his freakishly deformed assistant Sneedly prepare for the Diva contest...
Proffessor Whorulon: Sneedly, do we have the saline?
SNEEDLY: Yes, master. We also have the silicon.
PW: Excellent. We'll use both. Mad Vince wants to make sure the titties look as inhumanly bloated as possible.
S: Yes master. It is as if Mad Vince was nursed by Lotta Topp as a little infant.
PW: Yes, Sneedly. He truly is a repulsive twisted fruit.
S: Yessss. He truly is a gut-churningly misogynist cock-sucker, master.
- So nobody got the World Japan tapes that showed that Kenzo Suzuki completely sucks dick? He's gonna make you miss the sublime ring generalship of Nathan Jones. Really.
- Click it or Ticket? Fuck that shit. This is fuckin' AMERICA. If I want to go face first through my windshield, that's my motherfucking RIGHT. This ain't Communist Russia. Yet.
- FUCK A BURNING TROJAN ON YER DICK! It's insanity enough to trust your beloved tender beefdart to the unreliable Trojan. Fuck knows what kind of fetid Memphis barbecue sauce offbrand is conjuring the warm feeling. Only use them if your girlfriend actually says to you, "I would like cole slaw and a rack of ribs with my yeast infection."
- Kids. SMOKE. Just to piss off the anti-smoking commercial jack-offs.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.