WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT
The delay? This show put me to sleep. I woke up, and my city was gone. Actually, that's not true either. I fell asleep thinking about how I could write this as well as Dean. But I promised his lawyers and his treasured Labrador not to steal the Magic Touch or Baron spots [which is why the rumored segment about Baron working Abu Ghraib, administering the Magic Touch Stick to the internees is a no-go]. So this is what you get.
WHAT WORKED
Rico V Hardcore Holly was there, but the real story of the match was Rico shocking Billy Gunn. C'mon guyz! Rico inherited Billy's music. This would've been better if Billy had 'distracted' Rico throughout the match. Here's Netscape "Love" writer Laura Snyder wrote about a similar situation: "Don't start groping at breasts and butts as soon as our lips lock. There's a time and a place for such zeal, but in most cases, romance should take precedence over out-and-out randiness. Don't rush the end result."
Bradshaw/Rey was the show's money match, and it gave Bradshaw the chance to Show His Power on Rey. This was a marginal match, not even up there with Flair/Rey from Nitro a few years back. Speaking of Flair, why did someone narc on him to Ace, as teased on the WON site? Was it because of this, from a certain former W-O-R-K-E-R's live journal? "I should have never asked for a kiss. He took me to the movies and I was nervous the whole time, wondering if he was actually going to kiss me. The very second the movie was over he grabbed me so quickly I couldn't catch my breath, and slammed me so close to him that my ribs were squashed into the seat the whole time we were kissing. I was in so much pain while he was kissing me. His breath smelled so bad and he slobbered all over my face and even started licking my face like a dog. I pushed him away and couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't breath! I seriously thought I was going to suffocate to death because I was being squeezed so close with my ribs jammed into the chair and no room to breath out of my nose or mouth. When I pushed him away I said, "I really have to get home, it's getting late." On our way out, I was thinking to myself, "Oh great, he drove, I can't just run to my car." On the way out he kept asking me, "Why are you so quiet? I finally kissed you, isn't that what you wanted?" I told him, "Oh, nothing is wrong." Once he dropped me off at my car, which was at his house, I drove straight to my best friend's house and told her about everything that happened."
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
RVD and the Dudleys worked something approaching a match. This was one of those deals where the Dudleys traded off on RVD like he was some valet getting broken in in a Motel 6 in Jim Thorpe. Speaking of valets, here's something Laura Snyder said about kissing. "As anyone who's ever dated someone who's a ho-hum looker, but a hot-damn kisser can attest, the quality of one's smooching sessions can say a lot about the potential passion and expertise that person will bring to the bedroom." Can we say that someone's booking speaks to what a person would 'bring to the bedroom'? If so, then whoever booked this match has about three inches and two minutes for you. Seriously, the switcheroo works with masked wrestlers and OVW roidsters, but not when Whitman Mayo and Denver Pyle are the guys who are supposed to be interchangeable.
Nice to see Chavo Classic working. Not so nice to see him work Jackee. It would be super nice if the cruiser belt were a men's belt. CC jobbing to Shane Helms or some other challenger for the belt would be swell. Seeing him job to Jackee? Better to meditate on some more kissin' tips: "Your mama was right: it's rude to stick out your tongue. There's nothing more annoying than a guy or gal whose reptilian tongue probes an unsuspecting mouth prematurely. Work up to that full-on Frenching with a few sweet smooches and (easy now) some light tongue teasing before you unleash the lasciviousness." I did like what Chavo offense there was in this abortion of a match.
Booker T, a heel last I checked, wrestled the Neapolitan Batten Twins, Johnny Stromboli and Three Dollars Off Your Pie, Sir. Aren't the FBI heels? Why can't Tommy Rich and Tracey Smothers punk these guys in the back with a cell phone from 15 years ago? I think the redneck FBI would work now. Laura has words for them: "This 'match' is what we think of when a kiss companion comes at us with a mouth wide enough to warrant one of those warning signs they put on the back of trucks. Not sexy." And the workrate sucked too!
John Cena finally got his heat back for that bad sushi he had last time he was in LA. Good for him. Akio jobbed it, so did Sakoda and Setico and Timex and all these other interchangeable API folks brought in to be Tajiri's crew before they decided 3 weeks was too long for Tajiri to have a story line. Here's what Cena wrote in his live journal right after this match, by the way: "I'd been hot for this guy and he finally asked me for my phone number. He called and we talked for about an hour our first conversation! Anyway, one thing led to another, and he asked me out to a Voivod concert. Everything was perfect. We went out to dinner and had a few drinks. Then we proceeded to drive to the concert. Well it was an outdoor event, and it was sold out. The parking situation was terrible, and we got in a huge line with no way out. All of a sudden, something I'd eaten seemed to go completely through me all at once! I had to let him know that I needed to find a bathroom like, NOW! Unfortunately we were totally stuck and unable to even find a portable toilet." Happily, Cena held his fire until this match. Thanks John and Team Eggroll.
WHOOT THURR IT I$$$$$$. -- ag