the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-4/1/2004!
I'm on vacation this week so this will be listless and crappy so ENJOY! I'ma drink a couple PBR long necks (cuz I'm GAY!) and watch the wrestling. I'll try not to nap or drift off but I guarantee nothing.
WHAT WORKED-
- Kurt Angle comes out. I get up and get a beer. Maybe I'll start this weeks Baron segment. I go and change the lightbulb in the hallway. I return. I think about my pants and when I should change into sweatpants. Hey, it's the Big Show and Rikishi. Big Show's headbutt goes awry. Big Show no-sells the stinkface which is odd. Big Show with the comical chokeslam. I wasn't paying attention so I give it the benefit of the doubt and stick it here.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON.
"BILL! Bill, come here. Zere is a baseball game on and you are not vatching? Zat is the Rick Camp- your favorite RELIEEEVAH."
"Baron, you should know by now that my favorite reliever is Jesse Orosco. He, Fernandez, Darling, Gooden- Mets are tripendicular this year. I don't have time to watch baseball. I'm hoping to be tagging a young lady this fine evening."
"Oh you have a date tonight. I had forgotten zat you had screwed your manhood to ze sticking place and asked Susan out."
"YEah, Susan is cool. All I wanna do is zoom zoom zoom in the boom boom."
"Yes, I vould also enjoy the pleasure her divine hind qvarters..."
"Yeah, well get in line. I'm on deck tonight. Jesus, I better get some trim out of this. We're gonna go see fuckin Gene Loves Jezebel at the Roxy. I don't know why girls like that shit."
"Chene Lufs Jezabel is a good pop band. Very good hooks. It is not ze Scorpions or Kraftwerk but it is perfectly fine."
"Yeah, whatever. It's not like we're going to see the Dream Syndicate or the Darling Hoods or anything. Like last week when I saw That Petrol Emo.... Fuck. Shit, I completely forgot. I need to drop off my research paper. When Susan gets here, tell I'll be back in about 45 minutes. Shit."
"I vill do zis for mein fruende." Baron drinks a beer and can't stop thinking about Susan's sweet ass.
TO BE CONTINUED...
- Bradshaw is fucking GREAT as a heel. The advice to the driver and then the "You'll do fine" was fucking beautiful.
- Spike versus Rey Rey! Oh Spike and Rey Rey versus Chavos Guerrerro! WITH NEW ORGASMIC MUSIC! AWEESOME! Luchatastic early with elaborate armdrags. Chavo Sr comes in and puts the boots to Rey Rey and hits the SWANK old school butterfly suplex. Chavocito starts working on the arm and then kinda flounders around trying to creat something for Rey to work out of. Spike with a hottag and Chavo finally throws him into the corner. Chavocito with the SWEET lariat over the corner to save his dad. Spike gets the pin Chavocito. Bradshaw comes out and kills Spike and Rey Rey. I like the tag win for Spike. Bradshaw killing two cruiserweights brings back too many bad memories.
- RVD is on my television machine. Two weeks in a row, Charlie Haas assumes his role as Randy Rose after the Midnight Express vs the Original Midnight Express feud. RVD does comically fruity spin kicks to show that he knows MIXED MARTIAL ARTS~! MORE SPIN KICKS! Haas works on RVD's leg and all get to lauf and lauf and lauf as he doesn't sell it at all. Charlie bumps big to the floor. RVD does the world's stupidest looking monkey flip and JESUS I have not drank enough beer to watch this shit. Poor Charlie Haas. What a pro. Anyhoos. Charlie goes back to the knee and RVD actually isn't that horrible selling the leglock. RVD escapes and hits the Rolling Thunder and does more of the unlikely kicks to make comebacks. Haas bumps huge after RVD misses the Frogsplash. The double Van Daminator on the piscado for a double count out is a cool finish and ANGLE gives it to HASS ON POINTS! THAT'S DICKLIKE! I LOVE IT. Sooooo in the worked column.
- "MicroTouch goes where Razors and Scissors were never meant to go." What the fuck? STICK ONE UP YOUR BUTT! Ooooooo vibraty...... The grooming kit includes every grooming tool you'll ever need? 55 gallon barrel of anti-behind-the-ear-wax solvent? Awesome. Thank you MicroTouch.
- THEY BOOED BOOK! Booker T versus Hardcore Holly! Jeezuz. Holly comes to the ring and I long for the sublime wrestling ability Bill DeMott. BILL. DEMOTT! Holly's punches don't suck this week. his lariat sucks though. Yes. They suck. Yes. Booker T with the unlikely offense. nice Vertical Suplex by Holly. Did Fit Finlay take Holly aside and show him how to punch or something? Holly works on the arm and I'm kinda digging this. Booker T with the nice Flair AWA kneedrop. Holly punches to comeback and Booker T elbows out of the corner to cut him off. Holly knife edge chops to a comeback. Holly goes back to the arm and suddenly I'm really digging this . Booker T with the Hot Shot and double lariat bump to the floor as we go to a commercial. When we return, Holly takes the brunt of Booker's comical offense but Holly makes the scissor-kick look fucking beautiful. Booker takes the Vertical to the floor and, for some reason, Booker T goes on offense. Booker goes for the Sleeper and Holly hits a side suplex. Holly gets an extended hope spot and brings a nice dropkick for two. Booker T fires back with a Nodawa for two. Holly with a... something... for two and then a flashpin as Booker hits the roll-up and a handful of tights. Well THAT was 500% better than I thought it would be. So Booker T is GOD?
- Spike was great postmatch: "Yeah, it was from hell." BAM! The Teddy Long PLAYAZ CARD! But not for Spike? DOLLAH DOLLAH BILL!
- AWESOME! Eddy with the Plymouth Falcon lowrider! AWWWESOME!
- Reneee Duupre with the French Poodle. And he's not wrestling. Yes, that works. So UPN has a new Faces of Death-like show. How is that One On One show? OH! Reeene is at ringside. Awwww, what a beautiful dog. Poodles were used as hunting dog by the French Aristocracy and are actually bad assed beasts. Cena is jealous of Reeenee and Coles love. Cena offers his testicles to Duuprre once again. Johnny the Bull comes out. Nunzio is with him. GODDAM. NUNZIO JUST FUCKING DIES FOR YOU. He dies for you. Cena F-U's Johnny the Bull and that's that. Reenee is not impressed. "Get away from my dog, you crazy freak!" Okay, I'm going to beat the Christmas rush and start loving Renee Duppre now.
- Eddy doesn't wear the belt because he isn't in his wrestling gear- JUST LIKE FLAIR. He snatches the MIC! He and Angle don't like each other. Bradshaw comes out with his limo. He is fabulous being an evil overgrown redneck. Bradshaw talks about his thousand dollar hat and three thousand dollar suit! JUST LIKE FLAIR! DON'T DESECRATE MAH HAT!! Fucking beautiful. Hat-stomping is soooooo fucking old school. Eddy is your GOD.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- The Dudley Boys. Akio and Sakoda. I assume this is a squash match. Finally! Something that didn't work. Actually, Bubba looked pretty good in this selling a lowgrade assbeating and hitting some nice spots. D-Von throws the worst punches in the history of wrestling to finally fill out the bottom section here. Peeeee-YU!
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.