WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-3/25/2004!
HHH has come to Smackdown and my wife hasn't showed up with the booze yet. I live in fear of this night.
WHAT WORKED-
- Kurt Angle isn't hurt. Or he's not as hurt. Or something. And he's the new General Manager? Okay, sure. He traded HHH back? Okay, this works. The Dudley Boys? That sucks. Booker T? Okay. Hopefully they'll bring in Rick Martel to carry him again. Oh, I think Booker T is going to do a Leon gimmick. Oh wait, he's doing a Raw Is Better Than Smackdown bitter draft choice gimmick. Booker T is fun as bastard talking shit about the Smackdown roster. I'm wondering where Eddy Guerrerro is, to come out and take offense. Ah, sweet 12 of Josef Hoffbauer ICE~!....
- CHAVO! CHAVOCITO! Hey, he wrestles Spike. Chavo Sr is AWESOME being appalled at those stinkin Dudley's at ringside. They work out of a hammerlock early. Spike throws really shitty punches. Spike DIES LIKE A FUCKING FREAK. Oh yeah, I got no beef with Spike. Spike sells the back like RVD could never sell ANYTHING. Nice Doublestomp by Spike. Chavocito with the Gorrie Bomb reversed into a roll-up for two and this is fun. Chavocito KILLS Spike with a MUSCLESTORM~! and I could dig this fued.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON.
"Rebecca. Mein sweet honey punkin. Mein skin remembers touching you and I quiver to ze memory...."
"Baron, it's four in the morning. You woke up my roommates. You can't call like this."
"I'm sorry fraulein. I vill call you tomorrow. I just miss you so."
"Baby, it's all right. I miss you too."
"I vas going to just drive up there but Paul and Tommy beat me up and took main keys because I vus drunk. Tommy iz pretty pissed... pissed... because I knocked vun uv his teeth out."
"Jesus Christ, Baron. What the fuck are y'all doing?"
"He's cool now. He forgot that he knocked vun uf mein molars out. Sveet honey punkin, I vant to touch you and kiss you. I vill call you tomorrow... Tell Courtney and Amanda zat I am sorry I voke zem."
"Okay, baby. I love you."
"Und I love you....."
- Cena comes out and Renee Dupree is introduced to Cole. Cena fears the sweet love of Renee. Cena offers his nuts to Renee at the last minute and LOVE CONQUERS ALL. (Jesus, this new Smackdown is fucking BRUTAL.)
- Awesome! Teddy Long! Hey playah. Dollah dollah bill y'all. Hollah atcha boy!
- Oh cool. Eddy vs RVD for the Frogsplash would be cool. Eddy talking shit to Booker T is FUN FUN FUN. Eddy versus Booker T is going to be fun. Bitter Booker T is soooo much better than blandest babyface ever Booker T. Eddy rules. ANGLE MAKES THE MATCH!
- MicroTouch tells us all: "Razors can cut you. Scissors can poke you." Take it to the bank. It's good as gold. PUT DOWN THE POINTY SCISSORS! WHAT! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY??!?!?!? JESUS! Thank you, MicroTouch......
- Dudleys wrestle the Bashams. Dudleys are sooo the poor man's Nasty Boys. Bashams are sooo the rich man's Cruel Connection. Match is perfectly okay lowgrade Southern tag wrestling.
- JAN MICHEAL VINCENT RECAP! Then Evil Bradshaw Fox News Employee? New Country PsuedoCowboy? If only he would start drinking Mountain Dew or better yet MICHELOB DARK- we would have a New Country Heel Turd and it would be fabulous. HE IS RIGHT! THOSE RUBES WOULD DO THE EXACT SAME THING! AND THEY AREN'T! TELLEM! THIS AIN'T NO GODDAM SUNDAY SCHOOL! The capped teeth are so great. This is fabulous heel turn. So Foghorn Leghorn.
- Paul London steals the scene by making quizzical faces in the background as Holly berates Booker T. Eddy is back to the crappy riceburner pickup low-riders. Eddy is old school and wears the belt to the ring. They go to a commercial. Eddy with the Droptoe Hold and Bokker T cheats in the corner. Eddy with the stiff chops and the Rear Chinlock that Booker T jawbreaks out of. Booker T with the Sid Vicious chinlock that Eddy side suplexes out of. Booker T gets on offense and his offense is.... improbable. Nice Hot Shot and Eddy hits the floor. And we go to a commercial. Booker T with the sleeper. Eddy sells it like fucking Dusty Rhodes. Eddy with the Christian One Armed Facebuster! Booker T cuts him off on the toprope and hits the SuperPlex. FOR TWO! Oh this is fun. Sidewalk Slam for TWO! Back to the Sleeper. The crowd gets behind Eddy fighting out of the Sleeper. Eddy shoulders out and Booker T cuts him off with a knee. Booker T works him over in the corner and Eddy does the Memphis comeback and Lawlers into lariats to offense and Booker cuts him off with a side slam. They hit some nearfalls and Booker misses the scissor kick and Eddy hits the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes and the Frogsplash and EVIL BRADSHAW hits a sweeet Western Lariat. Okay. Good little match.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- RVD? Jesus Christ. And Charlie Haas wrestles circles around him- as Charlie assumes his new role as post-Rockers WCW-era Marty Jannetty. RVD will bump big and that keeps me from loathing him completely. They start right off the bat by basing a match of RVD selling a body part- which is always HI-larious. He sells the leg aaaaaaaand then he doesn't. RVD does the fruity embellishments and I start to get a hard-on because I subconsciously think of 16 year olds on the Romanian gymnastics team- and God knows Van Dam has got a big butt. And my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun. RVD with the flash pin and boy is THIS show gonna suck.
- Renee Dupree versus Billy Kidman. Yes. Renee Dupree versus Billy Kidman. Yes. Renee Dupree versus Billy Kidman. Yes. Yes, it is. Yes. There is no kind and loving God.
- That Shandi chick on TOP MODEL is going for that whole Bookworm Bitches.com feel and she would be the one you skip over to get the one in the plaid skirt bent over the copier. The hot chick on KING OF QUEENS would be the greatest possible Dirty Latina Maid..... but... but... I share... too much....
- Trojan commercials RETURN! Back in high school, if I could have used one of these for more than 1m:43s, it would have broken! When I got to college and buying condoms isn't some sort of shameful act but becomes a statement of how much pussy you are getting, I would go to the Safeway checkout counter and say, "Lookee here darlin'. You may wanna do a price check on this here 64 four pack of Sheikh Elite condoms. Yeah, that's right mama, numbers 26 through 29 got yo name on it! HELLL YEAH!"
- No Sable. Not Torrie. No Dawn Marie? I'm getting cheap jack-off joke blue balls. Feel my pain.....
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN