the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-3/11/2004
I was running a little late because I took the kids to Popeyes and IT WAS AWWWWESOME. I thought about my boy John D Williams' mutual love of the Popeyes Fried Chicken as they were playing this 15 minute mix of "Skin Tight" by the Ohio Players and me and my three younguns were groovin' to it while greasy, preposterously spiced chicken was consumed. Popeyes fucking rules.
Then I had to get Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the wife and THEN I had to go down to Momoe's Market and get some beer. I got the 12 of Milwakee's Best ICE in the SAWED IN HALF CASE BOX. THAT's the ONLY way to buy a 12 of swill. And swill it is....
So I'm aboot 30 minutes behind. I'll catch up with the wonderment of videotape. U WON'T EVEN NOTICE! Woooooord.
WHAT WORKED-
- CHAVO SENIOR THE ANNOUNCER! Rey Rey comes out to beat on someone until Chavos II: Generations Of Evil can run in and kill him. Jamie Noble knife edge chops to offense and then Rey Rey jumps into a Malenko Rib-breaker. I await Chavo Sr to start shooting on Vader and challenging him to a shoot at Hustle 3- but instead it's mostly Cole talking way too much. Rey Rey is all agile as he flies into the BEEYOOTIFUL Moonsalt. HEY! A swerve! Tajiiri and Other Japanese Teammates HIT THE RING! Chavito is all worked up and appalled... It ECWs into an eight-man! Hey, a commercial. Ultimo kicks Tajiri in the throat and I can dig that. Chavo Sr makes the point that the crowd should be yelling "CHAVO! CHAVO! CHAVO!" Fuck yeah. Stupid rubes in Atlantic City. Jimmy Yang does a choky thing. Funaki does his Eternal Jabrone So I Don't Remember ANYTHING Cool From My Former Life As A Real Pro Wrestler offense. APW Japanese guy does a crappy sleeper and cuts off Funaki and Noble comes in with legit offense. Funaki does sell assbeating perfectly fine. Noble is beautiful making Funaki look all devastating for a minute with the jaw-breaker. Chavo Senior says FUCK YOU, COLE and just starts spouting off in Spanish. They start hitting some finishers and UD goes all highflying! Chavo Senior distracts Charles Robinson and Chavito grabs Rey Rey and Rey Rey ducks Noble's DOUBLE THRUST and Rey Rey STEALS the win! WHOA! Shannon Moore and Nunzio look like they are going to have a Cruiserweight Play-in- a fun concept whose time has come.
- Eddy with more of the crappy truck lowriders- as opposed to a great American muscle car lowrider. C'mon man, no Metallic Purple Challengers anywhere? Awesome. Shelton Benjamin is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro! Gettem on the stick. Eddy calls out Angle and Angle seems to want to wait until Wrestlemania. Shelton comes out and he's peppy. Shelton does the SWWEEET EXPLODER. Charlie is sent to the back! Eddy with the Abdominal Stretch. Shelton fights out and bumps big onto his shoulder. Shelton with the Side Suplex and a fabulous punch to the side of the head. Shelton gets Eddy's comeback over with his facial expressions. Eddy hits the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes and THE REF BUMP! Eddy dropkicks the belt into Shelton's skull! Eddy feigns semiconsciousness and hits the Love Machine Splash for the pin! ANGLE IS HERE! Angle rubs his hands over the MicroTouch shaven area on his abs. Eddy is pensive as we fade out.
- AND THE MICROTOUCH RETURNZ~! I will pimp it so it will not leave me for the stinkin Bowflex ads. "Bushy eyebrows?" YOU'RE HIDEOUS! Get MicroTouch! I don't think they really want ME to "shave it all off and show off that hot body!" That would look more like John Madden after gall bladder surgery from the neck down. And I guess I'll catch the instant replay of GAME OVER.
- They recap Eddy falling for Southern booking last week.
- The Gastineau throwback is SOOO not as cool as a Joe Klecko throwback. The Big Show is fat he sez! Oh he calls Gastineau a mark for himself! Now I'm having trouble keeping me from not hating this! RHYNO! They do a thousand power moves. Cena works all stiff with the punches and nice Lariat. Fistdrop needs work. Rhyno assumes a sort A-Traincito role of Jabroniness.
- HOLOY FUCK! DAWN MARIE IS WEARING A VAMPIRELLA VARIATION. My loins are exploding with gooey Gothic love.
- I watch more of the tape. Heyman is fun talking the Smackdown roster into hating Steve Austin. I love the Dave Campo-esque locker room speech.
- More Trojan commercials? I guess you don't want the average wrestling smark to infect his mom's oven mitts with clamydia so maybe these commercials ARE a good idea. Sheik Elites don't break right in the middle of the hot action, though. Fuck no. Sheiks keep it together so you rock on to the break of dawn.
- "Don't question our loooolty." Rikishi and Scotty2Hotty wrestle the Excitement Brothers! Sir Danny and Doug. Scotty works a headlock early and Bashams cheat to go on offense. Danny Basham does a really nice chinlock- in that it was a chinlock but it looked like it actually hurt. Bashams beat on Scotty for a while and Scotty's selling of the beating keeps me from venturing into slumberland. Scotty battles back but Danny cuts him off and Tazz is great with getting over the psychology of Scotty's formerly broken neck being the part the Bashams are working over. Rikishi tags in and Scotty hits the worst Superkick ever. Rikishi hits a better superkick for the pin. Rikishi's Giant Walk In Freezer Of Poo doesn't get smooshed in the face of a Basham.
- The Rock's tattooed ode to Chief Peter Mavia is AWWWESOME. Testify, my sangre.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Big Show squashes John Walters and that other guy. Still the best John Walters match I've ever seen so far. Cena runs in and beats down Big Show! And... it's still a squash...
- RAW highlights? Oh suck my cock.
- Sable and Torrie are at the Las Vegas Playboy thing. They talk to a bunch of guys who you can actually visualize jacking off to the Playboy pictorial. "Oh Torrie! I've got you in a nekkid hammerlock! GUUUH! HEY Sable I got you inna inna inna inna nekkid headscissors! HUW! HUW! HUW! Torrie I got YOU inna... nekkid headlock! GRUUUUH! Sable I got you inna nekkid...uh.... uh...uh... UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGH..." Meanwhile, TRUE wrestling fans- the 42 year old virgins- are still toasting a viscuous, cottage cheese-textured load over their bootleg copy of Roger Corman's Fantastic Four video onto their complete Black Adder dvd collection.
- the Austin-Brock facedown was fine. Not 45 minutes of fine. Brock DOES blade like a Professional Wrestler should. 45 minutes?
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN.