the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-2/26/2004
I got a 12 of Colt 45 because the Kroger I went to didn't have the 12 of Magnum- thus, tomorrow will be a hard and squinty day. BUT THAT'S TOMORROW! TO HELL WITH TOMORROW! WE'VE GOT TONIGHT! WHO NEEDS TOMORROW!
WHAT WORKED-
- Angle is evil and the show revolves around Eddy Guerrerro. That's how I love a wrestling show to begin. Later in the show he will answer the question- WHY, KURT, WHY? Why not four months ago? Why have you denied us the cheap heat and all-American insults? WHY, KURT, WHY?
- Rey Rey and Jamie Noble and (Noble's cousin) Nunzio are going to wrestle! Oh fuck, Kidman is in this. Kidman and Noble big bump big to the floor and- they cut away to Eddy? Eddy is Hulk Hogan stealing time from the Cruiserweights? Can Eddy's runaway backstage ego be checked!?!? Can Eddy's cronies- Jushin Thunder Liger, Blue PAnther, Koji Kanemoto- sleaze their way into a job because they are friend of the Orange Goblincito? Bootyman Lyger? Steve Austin jobbing to Blue Panther in 36 seconds for the Intercontinental belt? Koji Kanemoto running through the woods in his underwear to reform the Dungeon Of Doom. King Curtis screaming "Kaaaannneeemow-to!" Eddy in the Dungeon Of Doom II, touching the water, "It's NOT HOT! There are no Eddymaniacs in here!!!" DAMN IT, EDDY! WHY ARE YOU HOLDING EVERYONE DOWN! En lieu, they have 47 minutes to give to the Cruiserweights and it IS Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro so it's all good. Rey Rey does a moonsault and Kidman is out of position and is broken in two. Not really a match but more like a highspot wrapped in a finisher wrapped in a nearfall- a perfectly fine spotfest. Noble bumps big but Kidman.... decides... that... NOONE...OUTBUMPS... KIDMAN- and Kidman dies for your sins. Then they stop the match and decide to... create a Cruiserweight division? Okay. A Cruiserweight Tourney Announcement winning the match is better than the foregone conclusion of Nunzio jobbing like a little provolone-scented bitch.
- Rikishi and Scotty come out to wrestle. HEY! Trojan condoms is sponsoring WRESTLING? WHAT FUCKING MARKETING GENIUS CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA? Wrestling fans are either dorks who would only need a condom to keep from toasting a load over their Green Lantern Snow Globe onto their Isaac Asimov Foundation And Empire Collectors Set OR they are hardcore rednecks who would rather stab you in the neck with a butterfly knife than not ride that shit bareback. I guess there is that whole unmarriagable Gay viewing segment. Whatever the reason, Trojans will break on you and you get that special two week wait to see if you are getting married sooner than planned. Stick with the Shiek Elites. They're lubricated and they make your junk all caramel-colored and larger-looking. Fuck yeah, buddy. I wouldn't steer you wrong, hoss. (NEXT WEEK: Cockring brands- Hostess or Lil Debbie? The answer will surprise you...) Rikishi works PLENTY stiff with the suddenly lovable (and not just when he is sticking his fingers up you quivering ass in the shower) Bradshaw and it's fun. Rikishi weighs 12,000 pounds and he has to jump into position to make Farooq's lariat look good. And it doesn't. Bashams come out to remind you of the fued and Rikishi leans into a SWEET lariat and takes it like fucking Arn Anderson would take a lariat. I can only assumne that it is non-title. More Rikishi vs Bradshaw. I enjoy stiffness in the Professional Wrestling.
- Josh interviews Brock Lesner and Brock can't even look at him. Josh has broken his heart. Josh is a smooth-muscled, highlighted hair heartless heart-breaker. FINALLY, Brock looks him in the eye and Josh melts, his plush lips quivering as he tries to speak....
- Eddy comes out and the crowd is torqued. I'm torqued. You're torqued. Eddy stands in the glow of the love of wrestling fans. Then Eddy goes into Shoot On Himself mode and it starts to rule. I drink a Colt 45 to Eddy's recovery. Then it turns to Angle and it gets SUPER fucking great. BE A MAN, KURT! Eddy leaves the ring and goes after Kurt Angle's big fat ass. Eddy can now get arrested in this town...
- I'M AN ASSMAN! I'M AN ASSMAN! I LOVE SOMETHING I LOVE SOMETHING.... I'm GONNA GIT SOME! Brock comes out and destroys Billy Gunn? We'll see. The crowd chants "Goldberg! You tapped out!" Billy takes the SWEET CApture suplex like a complete motherfucker. Brock bumps into the post shoulderfirst. Billy with JUICY GUHTOMMY and we all mentally pat him on back for the effort. Billy bumps COMPLETELY NASTY to the floor and Brock clubs. He clubs with a forearm. A merciless forearm. A merciless, unforgiving, beautiful clubbing forearm. Lesnar with a nice Spinebuster. Lesnar hits a powerslam that will not make you forget the career of Ted DiBiase. Brock does the Body Vice/Bearhug and I love it. Billy doesn't get Dusty-like heat as he fights out. Brock with the NICE German to cut off Billy's comeback and goes into a side grounded bearhug. Billy throws unfortunate lariats. Brock hits the F-5. I was hoping for that awesome Malenko Leg-breaker '03 that he was doing, but alas.... Billy's punches only sucked half the time, so this was a good little match.
- Cena and Rey Rey take on Big Show and WEEEELLLL IT'S THE BIG SHOW! IT'S THE BAD SHOW TONIGHT! SOMETHING SOMETHING... YOU OUGHTA KNOW! Holy fuck! Chavo Guerrerro Senior! And Chavito. I'm stoked about Chavito and Rey Rey. They are good professional wrestlers. Rey Rey works on the arm early. Chavito rudos KINGSIZED- taking the rana and cutting Rey off and then tagging out. Big Show crushes Rey Rey's chest with slaps. Chavo is AWESOME cutting off Rey Rey- as Rey does the mini-taking of the assbeating before Cena tags in does the fullblown Southern styled tagmatch. Cean tags in and beats the hell out of Chavo. Cena with a Fistdrop and fuck knows I love that. Chavo Sr is YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DADDY as the perfect second distracting the ref and allowing the Big Show to get the upperhand. Rey Rey with the sweet dropkick to the face save on Big Show. The work over Cena for a while and it's working to Cena's strength. I drink a few more Colt 45s. Big Show sells a Sleeper better than anyone has in the US in 15 years. Rey Rey with the hot tag and the multi-faceted knocking down of Big Show. Chavo comes in and steals Eddy's moves and the crowd responds and SMACKDOWN FUCKING RULES. Big Show bumps into the stands and Chavo takes the full brunt of the 619 and makes it look like Chavo was Joe Thiesman's leg and Rey Rey was Lawrence Taylor. Cahvo Sr takes the F-U like a champ. Big Show clears the ring and kills everybody- including Cena. This was another good little match.
- Kurt Angle comes out to explain himself. IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO! HE ATTACKED HIM FOR YOU, YOU INGRATEFUL JERKS! HE ATTACKED EDDY 4 AMERICA! He IS a drug addict! He DOES tell CHILDREN that it's cool to lie, cheat and steal! KURT'S RIGHT! IT'S NOT COOL! AMERICA WAS BUILT ON MORALS AND CHARACTER! FUCK YEAH! THANK YOU, KURT, FOR SACRIFICING FOR OUR CHILDREN. AND OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN! KURT IS RIGHT! EDDY DOESN'T HAVE A CLEAR CONSCIENCE! DRUG ADDICTS ARE THE LAST PEOPLE WE NEED TO REPRESENT US!!! This is so fucking great. Jesus Christ, did I miss evil Kurt Angle. God, there really is no better heel. Really. "I prayed over it". Such a great fucking heel. Smackdown is fucking Godlike now. One day? Fuck that, I thank you RIGHT NOW, Kurt Angle. You light up my life. You give me hope. To carry on. Eddy shows up and they don't let them fight for too long. Old school as a motherfucker. Smackdown is quality professional wrestling. The Passion of the Eddy Guerrerro is a story I will watch every week. Angle is motherfucking Wrestling Heel GOD. A FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING GOD.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Fucking RAW highlights. I'd rather watch shirtless Abe Vigoda eat a creamcheese sandwich. I'd rather watch the Rosie O'Donnell Intimate Honeymoon Highlight Reel. I'd rather watch the Eric Bischoff Annual Prostate Exam. I do not like them, Sam I Am.
- At least, the Mullets are back. Hollywood can suck my bourbon-soaked Rebel Dick.
- MORE LIES FROM THE MICROTOUCH COMMERCIAL: "Women love a perfectly groomed man." What the fuck are they talking about? I'm a loved man. Perfectly groomed? You should smell me around 6:30 at night. It's like a fucking barnyard in my shirt...
- Torie and Sable come out holding hands. Torrie seems to be going to the Christmas Dance. You usually don't see a dress like that unless it's in a picture with a wicker chair. Playboy Evening Gown Match? So it'll be FAKE. The Hustler Evening Gown Match- that would be the real deal. Sable says she and Torrie are "classy". John Cena comes out inexplicably. Cena confesses to masturbating to the Sable and Torrie Playboy. Rey Rey comes out and I was SOOO stoked about the whole Smackdown roster coming out and talking about how each bludgeons the lummox in their own special WWE Superstar way to the photospread. But instead, Rey Rey was just coming out to tag with Cena. Fuck, Farooq is there tonight. He could do another Ode To Oiling The Catchers Mitt and it would have been Great Episodic Television. But they didn't. So this couldn't work. (and it isn't because Torrie and Sable are in it. They went to Iraq to support the troops. They get a pass from my smart ass remarks for awhile.)
- Those skinny bitches on America's Top Model weren't slobbering on Old Dirty Bastard's knob so I'm not watching. Though I'm guessing Raven Mack will watch just out of love of ODB possibly putting his stank on some whyte girls with eating disorders.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.