the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-2/19/04!
Sinuses... full of meat..... Just got back from Topeka Steakhouse where I had the Top Sirloin and whatever my kids didn't eat off of their plates. It's my wife's birthday so we took her out and she wanted ribs. So SWEET MAMA gets ribs. I wasn't going to write one of these but she said that she wanted me to. She wanted to watch MURIEL'S WEDDING in peace without me sighing and carping and whining about how girly it all is- so she ordered me to do this. I'm gonna drink everything in my refrigerator- a beer for every commercial hopefully. ONWARD!
WHAT WORKED-
- CENA brings up the East Coast/West Coast Fued during the Angle/Cena. The Reggie Jackson throwback was bad ass. Angle with the MC Hammer jab! Cena goes for the obvious instead of kicking it with the Bumps in the Pumps tip. Heyman sets up Bashams vs Cena and Angle and that's perfectly fine. Hey, here we go. I hear that Shaniqua was sent back down to OVW- taking the best lariat in the WWE with her. Angle and Danny take it to the mat. Angle is so lucha libre these days- going from the mat to the armdrags to the brawling. Angle hits a nice lariat. Cena comes in and instantly Cena starts selling the ass-beating like Tommy Rogers. Cena hits a nice Spinning Screwdriver! (Okay it wasn't a Screwdriver. Nobody will ever do that in the WWE). It was more of a Backwards Falcon Arrow. But not as banal as it sounds. Cena bumps big to the floor as Angle slams into him- setting up the continued hatred of Angle for Cena:Cena for Angle. Back from commercial, Bashams beat the shit out of Cena and Cena sells it like a champ. Nice comebacks that Basham cuts off in an old school way- with the leg-grabbing, the cutting off of the ring, the double teams on the leg. Cena sells the Half Crab like a motherfucker. He's a good professional wrestler now. Cena with the nice DDT for his second comeback and Angle makes the hot tag. Sweet Assisted Lariat by the Bashams. Angle with the DROPKICK TO TRANSITION.
- Mmmmmm. Black Sheep Riggwelter Yorkshire Ale is fucking SWANK. Smooove. Yet with that little hint of melted metal that makes being a drunk so worth it. Crazy fucking Brits. Christ knows how they got to that taste. All I know is that little flakes of orange stuff are stuck to the bottom of my glass.
- Eddy is doing commercials. It is a great day for wrestling. Eddy Guerrerro is great. Eddy celebrates with the people. It's like Springsteen at the Meadowlands. Eddy goes all populist and it rules. I've been behind Eddy since I first saw him wrestle Too Cold Scorpio in 1995 in ECW. Chavo Jr and Sr show up and NOW it turns great. Chavo Sr is pissed because he gets no balloons! He gets no confetti! WHAT THE FUCK! HE WON A CHAMPIONSHIP TOO! Chavo Sr is fucking wrestling incarnate kicking Eddy's balloons. CHAVITO IS FUCKING GREAT! HE DOESN'T SUCK! YOU SUCK! Fuck yeah! Chavito is fucking MAGIC as the bitter younger brother (nephew). It's like in Mike Golden's Micronauts when Acroyear's albino younger brother wanted to kill his brother because he was robbed of his birthright. Chavo Sr is so fucking GREAT instigating Chavito's hatred and jealousy without saying a word. "The only thing you are going to take is an asskicking." OOOOooo! Stips. CHAVO SENIOR AS REF! AWWWWESOME! You just fucking KNOW that he will the Greatest Tirantes Ever.
- Dawn Marie is sporting the tackiest redneck outfit ever. She should wear a Dale Junior XXXXL t-shirt with aqua leggings next week. Her boobies hang out a lot and overweight 37 year old virgins toast a burning, festering load over their autographed HArlan Ellison framed 8 x 10s, right into the center of their Thora Birch Stalking Shrine.
- WEEELLL IT'S THE BIG SHOW! YEAH IT'S THE BIG SHOW! WELL EVER something, you OUGHTA KNOOOOOW. THE BIG SHOW! Hardcore Holly comes out and throws real shitty lariats. They edit his crappy punches. Big Show knows that his knife edge chops look good and sticks with them. Big Show takes shoulder to the knee like fucking Ric Flair. Show is feeling it. Oh WAIT! It was a squash. A Bob Holly squash always goes up here. Yeah. Postmatch, Big Show matches wits with Cena. He doesn't quote movies I haven't seen this week, I don't think. CRZ will hip me, one can only hope.
- Josh has lightened his hair to make him look even more boyish and smooth muscled. He is agitated at the arrival of Brock. We go to a commercial. I get another beer. Brock shows up and blows off Josh and we all weep. Brock is weepy. Goldberg made him lose. Brock is funny being all broken and weepy. He snivels like a king. His busting on Eddy is fucking great. HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT! IT WAS EVERYTHING TO YOU! BROCK IS ALL-AMERICAN ! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE TREAT HIM LIKE THIS!?!?! I MENA WHAT THE FUCK! HE IS A GREAT CITIZEN AND GUY! THE GREATEST CHAMPION IN HISTORY. His line about Eddy being a lying cheating champion is fucking great. Brock is fucking great on the stick when he is the confused beaten champion. The crying part about Goldberg not letting him sleep at night was awesome. The praying to McMahon part was even greater. Then the crying. That was great. Psycho Brock rules.
- Chavo and Chavito have a pep talk and Chavo Sr wants to be a proud father. The part where Chavito wants Chavo Sr to- though Eddy is his brother- call it right down the middle, warmed my heart.
- Adnams Broadside Ale is fucking beautiful. Tastes all Barleywiney but with out the usual burning in the chestical region. It jumps in your mouth and the transparent hoppy taste is all festive and gooftastivcal. It's good. God, I could drink a whole bathtub of this. AND WHO WOULD STOP ME? And who would bathe in this beer after me? Who, I ask?
- Chavo Sr would have been SUCH the better referree for the match. Eddy starts early beating the shit out of Chavito. Eddy cheats and its fun. Gorrie Special! Chavo quebradoras to transition and Chavo cheats and STEALS EDDY'S MOVES. Chavo then goes into rudo mode and the crowd is filled with hate. CHAVO DIES OVER THE TOP ROPE And EDDY IS GOING TO KILL HIM! CHAVO SR IS BACK! Chavo Sr pulls Chavo out and Chavo Sr rudos the fuck out of Rey Rey's offense. Security grabs Rey Rey and....we go to commercial. More beer.... Chavito is beating the hell out of Eddy's knee. Chavito with the SWEET deep Half Crab. Eddy with the swank counter but Chavito cuts him off and Chavito drapes Eddy's knee over the middle rope and wrenches. Eddy punches to offense but Chavito cuts him off with a dropkick to the knee. This match got fucking GREAT. Chavito with the Calf Branding that he turns into a Surfboard into ANOTHER deep Half Crab. This is the Professional Wrestling that I read about. Eddy Quebradoras to comeback and hits two clotheslines. Toprope Hurricanrana and Eddy can't make a cover in time to get the three count. Chavo has a slight cut off but Eddy cuts him off and hits the Superplex. Eddy with the SWEET Powerbomb and the Frogsplash. Angle DOESN'T COUNT! ANGLE IS EEEEEEVIL! ANGLE PUNCHES EDDY! This is soooooo going to motherfucking rule. Smackdown is fucking awwwwwesome. Angle versus Eddy will be better than Angle versus Benoit. Plus we get EVIL Angle again. CAN YOU FEEL MY BLISS? CAN YOU FEEL MY UTTER BLISS? Rey Rey bumps big as the Eddy beatdown doesn't end. Angle as a heel is fucking motherfucking AWWESOME. Life is good. Smackdown is motherfucking awesome. I am so fucking stoked.
WHAT DIDn'T WORK-
- Watching the MicroTouch commercial, it would NEVER dawn on me to ever try to shave my ear. I would just get some tweezers or pliers or grab real hard and yank the giant hair our the top of my ear. THEY HAVE CREATED AN UNREALISTIC STRAWMAN and this STRAWMAN MAKES NO SENSE! IT HAS TURNED ME ON THE MicroTouch. So fuck you, MicroTouch. Fuck you to hell.
- The Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA is too hoppy for its own good- like it was soaking in a vat of orange peels. It's got a nice bottomless midsection. I can't hate this, but it doesn't work. Maybe at 11%. Not at 6%.
- God, who are these ugly skinny slags on America's Next Supermodel? Why can't more women look like that hot big-booty babe on KING OF QUEENS? Ooo the supermodels are getting bitchy! Eat a fucking sandwhich and learn drive a fucking truck. Do something good for America. G'wan!
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.