the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 2/5/04!
I'm late! And you're the DADDY! I gotta a 12 of Old Milwaukee- the National Beer Of Virginia- that I gotta start working on. I missed Rikishi and Scotty winning the title. Was it great? Did it rule? Did it move like a cat? Did it charge like a ram? Did it sting like a bee? Oh babe, I wanna be your man.
WHAT WORKED-
- They recap Eddy vs Angle and it rules.
- Dawn Maire is wearing a little gold number as she tries to put the blast on Cena. OOP! Heyman with a COCKBLOCK!! Cena is ineligible for the Janet Jackson Class Action suit where I'm gonna get my millions because he thinks a closeted homosexual pulling the top off what looks like an aging drag queen was really hot! Cena says he's gonna gank the tail Heyman is pulling!! THAT would be quality entertainment. Cena loving Heyman's young men is a neat story of a young John Cena coming to grips with his own powerful sexuality- a tale of a man finding his TRUE self through a series of lovers. He ends up wiser, more centered, happy yet it's bittersweet because for all the love there was also love lost. We all went to college once. We can all identify.
- WELL IT'S THE BIIIIG SHOW~! And he and his superior theme song are taking on Billy Gunn. I love Billy Gunn's theme song. It's kinda like a Belinda Carlisle song being covered by John Waite. josh watches and seethes in the backstage area as Billy Gunn showboats his ass to make Big Show's ass look secondary. Billy sells the chops like a good little wrestler. Big Show bumps this into the WORKED COLUMN! WOO-HOO! A very shitty punch almost kicks it back down yonder and we go to commercial. Big Show with the headbutt for ONE! Billy fights but Big Show cuts him off. BIG SHOW WITH THE COBRA CLUTCH~! AWWWESOME! If Big Show would have kept the Cobra Clutch while he threw Gunn to the ground, I would have joined in wetting our collectives panteses. Big Show with another Cobra Clutch and Billy Gunn sells it like he is in a Cobra Clutch. Billy forearms out and Big Show cuts him off with Chokeslam that Gunn drop kicks out of andinstantly hits a Famouser and Big Show kicks out at TWO! Billy goes for another and Big Show reverses it into a Nodawa Powerbomb. THAT was a very okay little match.
- AWWWWESOME! Chavo Senior is on my motherfucking TV screen! TELL HIM CHAVOCITO! FUCK REY MISTERIO! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM YOU'D TELL HIM! CHAVO JR SHOULD BE ON THE MAGAZINE! FUCK YEAH, CHAVO SR! THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WANT! GIVE THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER THE SPANKING HIS MAMA SHOULD A GAVE HIM! FUCK YEAH! Then Heyman makes a match and I blow semen all over my polyester pants- REY REY vs CHAVO SR~! AWWWW OHHHHHH MOTHERFUCK YEAH! I. AM. SPENT. (Tom and Phil are throwing things against the wall because they book this one week too late.)
- Eddy comes out and his Cordoba is 1000% bad ass. Eddy is gonna main event a PPV and I can't hate US wrestling at all. Brock vs Eddy on the mat should fucking RULE. HERE COMES THE PAIN! Can Eddy carry Lesnar on the STICK~! is the big question. Lesnar puts Eddy over THEN... BROCK WASN'T IN THE RING! Brock is not afraid. Eddy is such the super babyface on the stick and it rules as the crowd gets behind him. Eddy is FUCKING AWESOME shooting like a motherfucker on HIMSELF. Eddy is fucking WRESTLING JESUS. HE IS THE GREATEST BABYFACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. "Big fat face of hatred" is so fucking poetic and beautiful. Fuck Cactus Jack and fuck Ric Flair. Eddy is the greatest guy on the stick ever. Brock is great as a bastardly counterpoint- as Eddy carries the segment- and the explosion of violence is fucking perfect. I'm going to a goddamn sports bar in two weeks.
- Jamie Noble is upset. HE GOT SCREWED BY NIDIA! Oh shit. He's wrestling the most boring wrestler in the history of wrestling. The man. The myth. The Kidman. Noble works on the leg early- looking all Malenko-like as he spins into the kneebar. God, Noble is channelling Malenko in this. I await a Rib-breaker. He takes out the knee and does nifty chain wrestling. HE IS REDNECK MALENKO! Nidia comes out and throws money into the audience! NIDIA SCREWS NOBLE AGAIN!!!! Kidman hits a John Kerry Stump Speech Rydeen Bomb '04 and it's over before a.) I fall asleep or b.) Noble hits a Tiger Driver Into a Texas Cloverleaf.
- Rey Rey comes out first and I AM SOOOO STOKED that Chavo Sr is wrestling him. We will now see what Chavo Sr the rudo has left in the tank. Chavo punks the young punk early- rudoing like a motherfucker with the hidden choke. Rey Rey sells big for the Lucha Elder statesman and takes the stiff European uppercuts like a MAN. Rey Rey kicks out of the corner and they have hi-jinx and Rey Rey wins waaaay too soon. Chavo Jr is AWWWWESOME beating the shit out of Rey Rey postmatch. Man, they need to have Chavo Sr go through every Cruiserweight and get the belt. That would rule.
- Kurt Angle gets to try to carry the major talent called Bob Sparkplugcore Holly. Holly is actually fun in this match hanging with Angle on the mat early on. They do cool headlock and armbar variations that leads into an armdrag section. Welcome to the worlds most unlikely first caida of 1997 EMLL. Angle kinda works heel and bumps like fucking Jerry Estrada in 1994 and I'm baffled because Angle hasn't actually turned heel yet. I drink beer six as we head to commercial (HEY! That sound like a Raven Mack 12 pack video review. We'll call it homage and avoid the lawsuit. Subscribe to Super Destructor- his new zine. It HAS to rule.) Holly procures the Sleeper when we get back. Holly works on the arm of Angle. Holly hotshots Angle when the powerbomb goes wrong. Angle lariats to offense. Holly sells the backdrop and the Germans. Angle and holly fight out of each other's finishers. Holly with a Scorpion Deathdrop and he gets two. Holly with a perfectly serviclable but not even in the same universe as Steve Armstrong's TopRope Lariat. Holly hits the lame Alabama slam but Angle hits the ropes to not job to the Atomic Noogie Dos Mil. Holly- who is sooooooooooooooo midcard- kicks out of the FUCKING ANGLE SLAM?>!?! What the fuck? The Ankle Lock doesn't work either? God, Chuck Palumbo would kick Angle's ass. Angle hits the Locomotion Ankle Lock and it's over. That was perfectly fine wrestling. Postmatch, Heyman storms out and tries to announce the number one contender at WM. Big Show and his superior theme music comes out. "I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast" is GOLD. NIDIA SCREWED HER BOYFRIEND! Anyway, they keep talking and talking and they keep adding people to this match at NO WAY OOT! I await Funaki to come out and get added so it will be a FURIOUS FOUR-WAY! I await Nunzio to come and they make it a FEROCIOUS FIVE-WAY! WORD LIFE.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- RAW "highlights"? I made better highlights with the Monday night's nachos the next morning.
- They show commercials for that fucking The Worlds Newest Supermodel shit and I can guarantee you that men- REAL MEN- men who get up in the morning and put on their Red Wing boots and hang sheetrock until five and then they go the local saloon and drink Coors Light until their wives call them and make them go home- REAL MEN- real men are gonna jack off to that gal on KING OF QUEENS. Because THAT! That is what a REAL MAN wants.
- Fuck this Rey Misterio video! Goddamn it! These are the Bush Taxcut years. I NEED A FOURTH CHILD- STAT!!! Bring the Rikishi. Bring the slowjam so I can soothe my baby and fool her into conceiving another child! ORALE~! Rey in elementary school with the mullet is so worth it actually. But MULLETS DON'T BRING THE TAX WRITE-OFF, MOTHERFUCKERS! Hot latin chicks with thongs is worth it, I guess BUT BIG DADDY BLOWING A VISCUOUS LOAD INTO HIS STAINED AND QUESTIONABLY discoloured SWEATPANTS DON'T BRING THE TAX WRITE-OFF, MOTHERFUCKERS! For the love of the future of AMERICA, bring the Rikishi video already.
- More RAW highlights? I could make better highlights with my cornhole. That's right. With my CORNHOLE! I could make better highlights with my CORNHOLE! Cornhole. Corn. C. c.
-Rue DaBona is very horselike. And I'd rather bone Seabiscuit. THAT's RIGHT. I'D RATHER BONE SEABISCUIT. Sable and Torrie pseudo-sucking each other's cooches in Playboy is so lame because this ain't CLUB or OUI or HIGH SOCIETY where they would actually show you them sucking each other's cooters while one of them is wearing a hardhat and mirror sunglasses. I wouldn't fuck any of these women with YOUR rock hard 12 inch junk. (Not really. I'd fuck all three of them. I'm just trying to look all cool. Especially with your huge huge penis. But come on. Admit it, my beloved gentle well-hung reader: she is equine. She is! Not that horses aren't beautiful animals....)
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.