teh mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/29/04~
I bought mein own booze tonight so I bought the goofiest swill I could find. That would be- of course- Milwaukee's Best ICE~! Fuck the Po-Lice, it's 5.9% and 4.39 a 12 so HERE HERE! Phil and Tom went to this taping so I already know what's going to happen. I'll try to drink myself into forgetting so it'll be new to both of us.
WHAT WORKED-
- Hey, Paul London on the TV. And he's with Bilzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh. Ah FUCK! The fucking Bashams AND fucking Kidman in one match. Gad, London would have to reenact the Broadway production of Tommy in the middle of the ring to fucking keep me awake. London fearlessly falls to his death- which is enough to keep me awake for a minute or two. Somebody needs to sit the Bashams down and tell them that they should have an offense AT LEAST as exciting as the Disorderly Conduct. Both these guys are so the poor man's Eddy Jackie. Kidman is a hoose afire and I await him to force Danny Basham to try to powerbomb him. Nice Toprope Blackcat DDT for the win though. WAIT! These guys are CHAMPIONS!? Was Thunderfoot 1 and 2 ever champions? How about the Conquistadors? Yeesh.
- Kurt Angle contemplates mounting Dawn Marie but instead it's all slow dances that leave no ordinance- Irish glances and indiscreet yawning. Good manners and bad breath get you nowhere. He picks a number.
- Chavo Senior is backstage and his amazing coolness keeps the fact that he isn't in the fucking ring still up here. Chavocito is pissed and we're getting even more of the pathos from Chavo that we've come to love. Chavocito, you know this world is killing you. Meanwhile Eddy asks Dawn Marie to blow on his balls er something. Piaz has the most comical hair one could ever sport. They contemplate fucking Dawn Marie.
-Cena is contemplating throwing the D! HEyman cockblocks like a BITCH. Rhyno comes in and it's tense. All the laddies cat call and wolf whistle, so called gentleman and ladies fight like thorn and thistle.
- Noble and Nidia are in the ring. Rey Rey is coming oot! Jamie is pissed at Nidia. They go straight to the mat. Rey Rey ruled it on the mat against El Hijo del Santo back in the day. Noble uses the British joint-stepping stuff that all true wrestling fans love. Rey Rey counters with some Eddy/Dean-Santo/Casas-Rey Rey/Juventud mirror sequence. Nidia grabs Nobles leg ACCIDENTALLY! Jamie works Rey Rey's back and Rey Misterio fucking rules and can sell a submission so you never feel the urge to call it a "resthold". Rey Rey sells the back during his hope spots and Jamie is fucking great at cutting Rey Rey off. Noble uses knife-edge chops to stay on offense and to cut off Misterio and the Superplex looks BIG. Working on Rey's back to set it up makes the nearfall superhot. Rey sells the back after the bulldog on Noble. NICE Jeff Hardy Counterbalance Powerbomb. Rey bumps ENORMOUS to the floor and Nidia has a stick. Noble goes up top and Nidia is in the way! NEEDIA CAN SEE! NEEDIA CAN SEE! Postmatch, Cole says "Nidia just screwed her boyfriend!" and we all laff and laff and laff! "Noble deserved it!" Well, he bought her flowers. Bought her a fur. He deserves it, sure.
- Big Show offers Dawn Marie the beard spot. Heyman and Josh are seething. Josh is with Brock and Brock is trying to charm young Josh. he smiles and acts coy and shy. Then Brock tries to look tough and talks shit about Goldberg, moving closer and closer to Josh. Their faces get closer and closer. Josh feels the moment and moves in but Brock is skittish and spurns the offer. Josh weeps as he holds the mic, listening to Brock issue his challenge to Goldberg. Accidents will happen, they're only hit and run- you used to be a victim but your not the only one.
- Rey Rey is pissed at Chavo and Chavo about Eddy getting beat down. Rey Misterio is LWO 4-Lyfe so dey gonna be some hell to pay. Rey Misterio in with Eddy in this fued is fucking beautiful.
- Dawn Marie is with the troops at a veterans hospital. God bless her for supporting our boys. She should have showed up in the Vampirella outfit and lettem know what they are fighting for, but actually we should think about the catheters involved.
- Angle and Rhyno sets up the rest of the match for Angle.The Gore Gore Gore was SWEEET because Kurt leans into it like a champ. Haas comes in and his punches DO fucking rule like Tom and Phil said they would. Angle's punches look pretty good also. Shelton Benjamin comes in with a nice Capture Suplex. Then it goes Suplex-crazy as Angle goes all German on everybody's asses. Nice Powerslam by Haas. Haas is a superstar in the first ten minutes. Bradshaw hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL lariat on Rhyno. They go to a commercial at an odd point and a nation asks, "Where are the strong and who are the trusted and where is that harmony?" They don't show the Cat ever wrestling STILL and my hatred cannot grow. They have enough people now to make it a shitty battle royal. Billy Gunn comes in and nobody is eliminated. Gunn throws perfectly fine punches. Tajiri and Rhyno hit some spots. The Big Show comes in and hopefully we'll winnow the number down some. They do some fun Andre in AWA spots and I dig it. Bradshaw bumps like a fucking PSYCHO and he is soooo on the 500 now. (Maybe not). Cena comes in and the number is almost managable. Nunzio doesn't actually appear. EDDY! EDDY! Eddy comes out ( I've dranken enough to act like it surprises me.) A-Train out and there is lotsa basic battle royaling. RIKISHI COMES OUT! Turdwellian looks confused. "Dr Poo! there are too many people in the ring!" The Big Show is in the corner. "Captian, Smoosh your ass in Big Show's face!" Turdwellian spins in his captain's chair. "YES! BIG SHOW! AND SHELTON BENJAMIN! and and and YES! BILLY GUNN!" Cena gets eliminated kinda unceremoniously. Oh, Cena helps eliminate Big Show and a fued is bourne. They show a recap of eliminations and Bradshaw has an elimination that comaprable to Scott Armstrong when he die for your pleasure in the WW3 Battle Royals. Eddy and Angle eliminate folks quickly to move to the finish. Eddy eliminates Billy Gunn with the Dick Murdock Double Leg Underhook over the top. Rikishi gets the sweet third spot. He misses the giant assdrop but Eddy can't get him over. Eddy and Angle eliminate them together. Angle vs Eddy and all is beautiful in the world. Eddy with the ankle lock is soooo beautiful. The reversal is fucking BEAUTIFUL. Eddy is fucking KINGSIZED toying with being thrown over the top. The replay is fucking awesome showing the athleticism and genius of Eddy. Eddy with his Locomotion Vertical Suplexes. Eddy makes Angle's headbutt on the toprope look fucking vicious. Angle with the Sleeper. Eddy is fucking channelling DUSTY RHODES in 1983 in the Sleeper as the crowd gets hot to keep Eddy in the match. Angle makes it look sinister and real like you like your professional wrestling. Eddy's comeback is a sweet nearfall and Angle is fucking GREAT toying with hitting the floor. The finish is fucking BEAUTIFUL as Eddy counters the vertical suplex with his own vertical suplex. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. That fucking RULED. FUCKING RULED.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- That Kane recap gave me an epileptic seizure. Luckily I stuck my wallet in my mouth.
- WHAT THE FUCK! When are they going to show the fucking Rikishi slowjam video! I gotta have more kids and I need all the help I can get. Help me bring the love, young Rikishi, my Polynesian sangre. Sooooothe me baby....
- Vince and Heyman yammer on forever. They talk about how I get FUCKED by losing fucking Chris Benoit to fucking Raw. But, I can only get so mad. The world of Smackdown rotates around the genius that is Eddy Guerrerro, I can only get so upset. But fuck. I was digging Benoit and Cena together. Benoit is now for nacho nights at Shartan Pro on Mondays. Anyway, Heyman's love of things American is really fun but it takes forever to set up the Main Event. Pump it up until you don't even need it.
- Brock and Orlando Jordan have a squashtasm. I had to go to the little room, so I missed the finish.
- I roll another Drum joint and smoke it directly into my lungs to protest the blowhorn anti-tobacco commercial. God, that commercial makes me wanna buy a fucking scope rifle.
- There is no sexual tension between Josh and Vince. It's depressing really. I mean come on, if you can't imagine Vince fucking a twenty-something guy who is in his employ, what CAN you imagine? I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.