The mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-1/22/2004
12 of Hoffbauer and 2 XXXtra Magnum Malt Liquors makes me think February is when the Baron returns. I dig the fact that Smackdown is all about Eddy Guerrerro now. They are in Minneapolis and I await the Prairie Home Companion Invasion. That would fucking rule. Garrison Keillor takes over the show and makes Taz read a thoughful short story about a small town and the Lutheran Church. Cole gets PUNKED by Guy Noir. It would rule. Ketchup. Ketchup. Ketchup.
WHAT WORKED-
- Rey Rey wrestles CHUCK~! I await the cravate. Chuck looks great on offense because Rey Rey is small and he can work his scrawny ass off. Rey Rey makes the Single Leg Boston Crab look great by selling the damage during and after. He sells the knee after the transition off the toprope because Rey Rey is fucking AWESOME. Chuck keeps cutting him after Rey Rey hits a big comeback move. Chuck does the big boot and Rey Rey gleefully goes chin first into and they set Chuck setting up the SWEEEEEEET Psicosis Shoulder To The Post Spot to lead into the flashpin by Rey Rey. FBI does the fabulous Guillotine Backbreaker after beating the shit out of the victorious Rey Rey. Jamie Noble comes out and pays off the FBI in the middle of the ring for said ass-beating. This is pretty fun. Rey Misterio Jr is motherfucking great. There was no cravate. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!
- Lil Josh is OBVIOUSLY terrified about interveiwing Paul Heyman. Noted heterosexuals like Big Show seem to want a piece of Josh's action when Josh interviews them. Imagine the sexually questionable Paul Heyman that close to the smooth musculature and boyish good looks. Rhyno purposely doesn't look at Josh so as to not ogle Josh and piss off Big Show. Big Show doesn't ogle Josh so as to not piss off Brock. Matt Morgan is confused about the sexual politics and is trying to figure out if it's Big Show plus Josh and Big Show and Brock or the other way around. Rhyno contemplates settling for the Morgan rookie but just stares straight ahead for now. Josh is a sexual cancer to the Lesnar Stable and they are all powerless to control his sexual vim and vigor.
- CHAVO MOTHERFUCKING SR WITH THE STYLING FUCKING HAT! FUCK YOU ANGLE! THIS IS GUERRERRO BUSINESS! PUNK HIM OUT CHAVO! PUNCH HIM, CHAVOCITO! FUCK THE FAMILY VALUES! TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKER, CHAVOCITO! SHOVE HIS MEDAL UP HIS ASS CHAVO! Evil Chavo Sr is sooooo motherfucking motherfucking motherfucking motherfucking awwwesome. I sooo love this.
- Brock sez fart! Then I think he and Big Show are FINALLY going to kiss. It's like She's The Boss. Will Tony Danza kiss her this week? WHEN!?!? Big Show ALMOST says "I don't care about plastics! And I don't care about ground floors and I don't ever want to get married ever!" and then they would embrace. But they didn't. Yet.
- A-Train is shaven and it's disturbing. Dawn Marie is another week away from the Vampirella outfit and my wood is being packed. Shannon Moore has to win because he is the king of taking the biggest bump when getting eliminated from the Rumble. Moore cannot club with his measly forearms but HE CAN TAKE THE SICKEST BUMP ON EARTH in the corner. The Cat comes out and he isn't fucking Sable so I can't care. Moore takes even more grotesque bumps. Ahhh, they fuck up the Rumble by not allowing us to see Moore explode in midair as he is being eliminated.
- The Quincy Jones/Ray Charles mentoring commercial always works because Ray Charles once said to Clint Eastwood, "Oscar Peterson. Motherfucker play his ass off." That's fucking hardcore.
- UPN tries to scare us by showing Species 2. I got no problem with an alien race that's first priority upon arrival on Earth is to try to fuck Natasha Henstridge. Godspeed, and welcome to earth. Wrap that rascal.
- Cena and Benoit is a tag team I dig. They could be the new Freebirds. Cena is Micheal PS Hayes and Benoit is Terry Big Daddy Gordy. They bring out the chair that I'm assuming Benoit will dive off of. Big Show is LOCKED IN HIS ROOM! SWEET GOD! I need to drink more to care! 3 on 2 is more managable. Brock is fucking great LAWLERING like a true motherfucker- making Benoit look godlike before they even lock up. It goes RnR Southern style early- as the beatdown on Morgan wasn't long enough for a TRUE Southern tag match (but it's early). Rhyno leans into the lariat and maybe this will be TRUE Southern tag wrestling. Rhyno goes on offense quickly and the Briscoes vs Murdock/Adonis '04 dream is dead. Benoit tags out and Lesnar takes a small beating before going on offense. Brock hits the sweet spinebuster and Cena starts at his strong suit- selling. Rhyno with the heat segment and Cena is selling like a mutha as Lesnar vertically suplexes him. Cena has cool basic hope spots and Lesnar is king at cutting them off. Lesnar bumps big and eats a DDT to facilitate the hot tag. Brock is fucking Arn Andersonlike trying to hold the ankle and make the hot tag hotter. Benoit procures the crossface but Rhyno saves with his own sweet Spinebuster. Benoit sells the damage but hits the sweet drop toe hold to make with the 10 count all fabulous and whatnot. Brock and Hardcore Holly fight on the ramp and it's all New Japan 2003 fabulous in it's pull-apartness. And we go to commercial as it goes down to 2 on 2. Rhyno is beating on Benoit and we all wonder if Benoit can carry young Morgan. Benoit does the VErtical suplex hope spot but Rhyno rules and knocks Cena to the floor. Rhyno hits the Spear and Cena with the smoking hot save. This match has Matt Morgan in it and it STILL rules. Benoit with the NASTY Enzuiguiri and Cena enters the house afire section with Rhyno leaning directly into a lariat. Cena with the elbow off the top and the save by Morgan. They go into nearfalls and Cena hits the FU for the pin. The ending was kinda rushed but I dug this match. Heyman takes a manly bump to get beaten to death by Cena and Benoit BUT BIG SHOW comes in! And the heels go over after all. Heyman HAS to be booking this because it is fucking Bill Watts Booking 101.
- Eddy is Godlike not even saying a word. He's a reglar Buster Keaton. Eddy is an existential figure as he enters the ring. Eddy is wrestling his brother and his brother's son. This is so fucking great. Chavo Sr is fucking AWWWWESOME. He isn't Mando Guerrerro- the greatest of all the Guerrerro family- but he does does fucking rule. They do the "When Will They Touch" old school psuycholgy and it's fucking beautiful. Angle is fucking great also, doing the first matwork of his pro career. Chavocito bumps for Angle. Chavo Sr tags in and I am fucking STOKED! Stiff elbow to the face, takes the armdrag like Chavo Guerrerro Sr. Chavocito and Eddy finally tag in together and the crowd is molten. Chavo Sr with the choke in the corner makes me glad to be alive and glad to be an American. Eddy selling for his brother and his brother's son is Professional Wrestling at it's pinnacle. Chavo's Hammerlock with the Chinlock is awwwesome. Chavos are the Anderson Brothers as they try to break Eddy's arm. Angle makes the hot tag and hijinx ensues. Chavocito is RUDOTASTIC as he flies into the Frog Splash. This angle fucking rules because it has Eddy vs Chavo and Chavocito and it also lead to EVIL KURT ANGLE. Fuck the bullshit, this fucking rules.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Fuck the Billy Gunn #1 Moment Of His Career. If you weren't carny enough to go through with marrying another man, you CAN SUCK MY DICK. FUCK YOU. DICK MURDOCK WOULDN'T A BROKE KAYFABE! HE WOULDA MARRIED THE MISSOURI MAULER. FUCK YOU ALL, WWE! BUNCHA FUCKING SHIT HEADS! FUCKK U!
- Tajiri is ready to wrestle for advancement into the Royal Rumble. His opponents music starts AND AW FUCK! The boringest wrestler in the history of the world is on my TV. Kidman looks a lot like the third Top Gun now. I wish he had the excitement and flair of Derrick Dukes. But he doesn't. Tajiri smacks him a little and Kidman hits the Visiting Your Great Aunt In Poughkeepsie When You Are 11-Nyquil Powerdriver Elbow. Tajiri kicks Kidman a bit and Kidman counters with the C-Span 2 Encore Presentation Of The Reading Of The Omnibus Spending Bill Dropkick 2004! Kidman misses the 4 Hours Of Sunday School Followed By Two Hours Of Lawrence Welk On TV Press misses and Tajiri pins kidman and we can somehow stay awake. Thank you Tajiri. This wasn't very good.
- The Anti-Smoking commercial where they have the air horn they keep honking makes me want to see a Marlboro Red smoker detonate a nail bomb in the middle of them. That would send a message.
- Bradshaw comes to the ring. I assume that this is a squash. Ewwwww, a handicap match. Bradshaw's punches suck. Luckily the two shittiest possible matches combine with the third shittiest possible match- the Three Way Dance- and I am filled with hate. The finish was cool.
- The model show commercial makes me glad that WOW is coming back. Roxy Powers has the real butt that UPN can deliver. Fuck these knock-kneed bimbos walking like hos. RI-OT! RI-OT! Ri-OT! Plus I'm guessing that spunk will be blasted across the hinterland of America before the first Best Of Benny Hill commercial is they can bring back Lotus. God Bless America. Do your part. Thank you, my brother.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.