the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-1/15/2004
My wife brung home a 12 of Magnum malt liquor to cram down my booze hole so I should be pretty oiled up by the time the wrestling begins. It hasn't even started yet and already they are showing commercials for that fucking modeling show. I hum the song "Whole Lotta Rosie" and try to get on with my life. I'm so confused about the civilized world and the whole brevity of everything in the whole spectrum of the time-space continuum. Magnum will quiet my whinehole. Two hours to go... too drunk to edit. Too drunk for the Baron. 2 drunk 2 B B-lieved.
WHAT WORKED-
- The well-placed rumour that Benoit will win the Royal Rumble and go to RAW works to make me believe it's all a work and Benoit will not leave the beloved SMACKDOWN. All that is just to get INTERNET HEAT! SMARK HEAT! Cena is wearing the Reggie Rucker throwback? Cena with the ECW SHOOOOOOOT! (the part about Paul Heyman "sweating" Cena, not the lame bouncing check joke.) Rhyno fights for the honor of ECW? Where is Paul Laurier? Where is Tommy Cairo? Where is Johnny Hotbody? Where is Hack Meyers? TELL HIM PAUL HEYMAN! HIS FILTHY MOUTH IS WORSE THAN ANYTHING ON EARTH! John Cena vs Rhyno is so hilariously pre-determinedly that Cena is going over, Heyman could have stipulated Loser Gets His Mouth Washed Out With A-Train's Urine and you would still know that Heyman would have his teeth coated in pee and.... I can't remember the point I was going to make. Urine is ratings GOLD, though.
- Kurt Angle is Eddy's friend. He tells Eddy that CHAVO MOTHERFUCKING GUERRERRO FUCKING SENIOR is going to be there! FUCK YES! Soooo the Greatest Bob Armstrong EVER! Eddy is fucking Godlike in the segment- filled with love and hate, torn between blood and business. The slow burn to the turn and performance of Eddy is fucking SO like 1988 NWA-level Arn Anderson QUALITY PROFESSIONAL WRESLTING PATHOS. I don't think I've ever dug anything in WWE/WWF like this. Maybe Bret's anti-American turn. This is so Four Horseman/Barry Turning On Lex-level fucking great.
- They tease me with the Rikishi slow jam midnight love song. Rikishi and Scotty come out and Dawn Marie interrupts. All I can think about is Dawn Marie in the Vampirella outfit and I turn on what she is wearing (after quickily bludgeoning the lummox.) INSTEAD, they wrestle each other. Rikishi establishes the psychology early- and he wrestles suitably heel and squashes his partner.
- Chavo Senior is so fucking suave in the suit. Chavo is fucking awesome feigning regret before beating the shit out of his brother. Older brother, father, son, uncle, nephew- this covers a lot of bases. I got a younger brother- BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, CHAVO! DON'T TAKE THAT SASS MOUTH! Eddy is fucking GREAT in this segment- Eddy taking Chavo to task for raising his son. Chavito comes out and he is weilding SUCH legit heat with the crowd. THEN THEY ATTACK! And it fucking RUUUUULES! BROTHER vs BROTHER! Chavo Sr is fucking GODLIKE putting the boots to his brother and telling Chavito to put the boots to him. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. Best Angle Of Our Lifetime. Kurt Angle makes the save. This just fucking RULES.
- FBI follows the cool ass Guerrerro angle so this works by way of lingering love. Speaking of lingering love, I toast a second load to the artificially inflated titties of Dawn Marie. Or maybe I toasted it to Chuck's sweet ass. I'm pretty drunk so who could be sure. Chuck's punches are even sweeter than his ass. Chuck rules in this and even makes Johnny the Bull look presentable. Nunzio gets the flash win and my money is on him to win the Rumble. NUNZIO!
- Eddy is mad at Kurt. No he isn't. He wants to beat the shit out of Chavo and the crowd is stoked. If they made it Eddy/Angle vs Chavo Sr/Chavo Jr at the Royal Rumble, I WOULD GO TO A SPORTS BAR AND WATCH IT. I WOULD. YOU WOULD TOO.
- Heyman's line of bullshit to Rhyno was funny. ECW rules match? Does that mean winner gets paid after the video game money comes in? HAHAHAAAHHAA! Ah, fuck that. I remember going to the Out of Bounds in Richmond every Wednesday to see ECW on sattelite dish. I remember seeing Sabu vs 2 Cold Scorpio and drunks- DRUNKS OFF THE STREET- saying, "This shit is awesome!" and it fucking WAS. ECW was sooo fucking great for a good while there. It saved wrestling. For me anyway. Fuck it. Everybody talking shit about ECW used to fucking love ECW in 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998. The reason most of you motherfuckers are watching wrestling today is because ECW brought you back to wrestling. I know it brought me back. This wasn't actually ECW though, because they weren't bleeding 5 minutes in and nothing had anything to do with Terry Funk. This was more of a Raven match from WCW. But was fine too. Cena sells his groin crushed LIKE A KING. Rhyno has a giant head. The usual human head is one 6th the size the human body. Rhyno is 5 to 1. I'm just noticing, that's all. Rhyno with the Benoit missed diving headbutt spot. Cena is fucking great selling Rhyno's offense. Rhyno gore gore gore gores the table! Cena with a perfectly fine looking F-5 for the finish. There you go. Perfectly fine wrestling. BENOIT~! CHRIS BENOIT~! CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT~! I WILL THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN~! brings Heyman back to the ring for A-Train to pee on his teeth. Benoit and Cena share a special moment forcing soap down Paul Heyman's mouth. That was fun. I love Professional Wrestling. AND THE CENA SHOOT ABOUT HEYMAN SWALLOWING! Heyman is a fucking genius. This whole show was fucking great.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Rey Rey with the coolness that is the K-Ness Rey Rey mask joins the Taz and Cole table. Noble and Tajiri have a weirdly shitty looking match- as Tajiri does these shitty punches and Noble throws a HO-rendous lariat. The ringside shenanigans is 500% better than the ring action and they go to the finish. AH! This was an angle disguised as a match. As they leave ringside, blind Nidia's nipple's are muscling through the sweater and you are sporting the finest wood of your pathetic life. Yes. Yes, you are.
- Restraining order on Hardcore Holly is a second hand stunt from Stone Cold's initial ascension- thus they are Gillberging Stone Cold? What they couldn't find a bald midget? Randy Hogan wanted too much money? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!
- Bashams come out to bore the fuck out of me. Gimme the Old School Empire any day of the week over these guys. HEY! Shelton Benjamin graces my screen! And Haas is perfectly fine. It's stipulated and shit. I cannot drink swweet ssswwweeet Magnum fast enough. So, at work I have all these songs on my hard drive by bands that were called "hard rock". The usual suspects- Nazareth, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Thin Lizzy. But you know who nobody gives the mad phat props too- the motherfucking Scorpions. "Rock You Like A Hurricane"? "No One Like You"? Those are fucking songs. Songs that lasted a lot longer with me than the last New Pornographers record. And FUCK that's the match, folks. The match is a bunch of nearfalls and a quick pin and there you go. Quite the OVW match that wasn't so long as to cause me to pitch headfirst onto my keyboard and that's something I guess.
- Big Show vs Funaki? Big Show isn't Lee Scott and Funaki isn't Sid Vicious, so this squash ain't making the "What Worked" column. Big Show does make great "aaah! aaaaaaah! my cornhole is burning" faces. Like with syphilis or something.
- The second greatest moment of Billy Gunn's countdown is in the nether region between being a Young Gunn and fucking Chuck's sweet ass. So fuck alll that.
- They showed that model show again and now they have their own Simon. FUCK THESE KNOCK-KNEED BIMBOS WALKIN LIKE HOS! I'll wait for KING OF QUEENS and lust for the bootilicious babe that smokes these bitches like cheap cigars.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.