your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/8/2004!
We got on the Netflix thingy and the Benny Hill dvds started rolling in so I'm pretty distracted but I SHALL PRESS ON FOR YOU! And we got some fine Greek wine.....
WHAT WORKED-
- Kurt Angle is back. He is sticking his nose in Eddy and Chavo's business for some reason. This HAS to lead to a heel turn by Kurt and that will always work. FUCK YOU KURT! TELL EM CHAVO! TUFF FUCKING LOVE! TELL ANGLE TO SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS! YEAH! HE'D SMACK HIM IN THE FACE EVEN HARDER! FUCK YEAH HE WOULD! FUCK YEAH! SMACK THE BUTTINSKI RIGHT IN HIS RED WHYTE AND BLEW FACE! FUCK HIS OPORRTUNITY! SMACK HIM CHAVO! SMACK HIM! SMACKIM! SMACK UNKA EDDY! Eddy comes out and Angle has a few things to say. That is his nephew. Yes. He is his uncle. They ARE supposed to love each other. Yeah, face to face. Who WILL be the better man? WHO?!?! They shake hands and they are in love again.... OR ARE THEY?!?! Angle the Family Therapist is going to lead to Angle turning evil and feuding with one of these guys and I'm all over that. Yes.
- Big Show and Josh have the usual sexual tension. Such the ultimate Yogi and Boo-boo.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON. "Bill. Has Caroline called?"
"Baron, fucking give it up. Pass me that Shawn Dunston card..."
"Yes, my face is still svollen from vere she punched."
"Man, Jenn set you up like a high hanging Terry Forrester fastball. Caroline will never talk to you again."
"I know. I vill be back later. I need to go get drunk. I vill be at the Kali Bar and Grill."
"What the fuck? Last you went there, you almost got stabbed in the chest."
"Yeah, vell maybe I deserve to be stapped in ze chest..."
"Well fuck that, I'll go with you...."
"No, I vant to be alone. I am a fool."
Baron is at the bar and drinking his fourth pitcher of Budweiser. "Fucking bullshit... you call zis beer by a cherman name? I could PISS something better tasting than ZIS!"
"Mein young fruend. You should not drink zo much."
"WHO ARE YOU? ZY ARE TALKING LIKE ZIS! ARE YOU MAKING FUN OV ME?!?!"
"Calm down, little leibshen. I am from Cologne and I was sent here by your uncle..."
"My uncle? Vat are you saying? Vat uncle?!?!"
"Your uncle- SEIGFRIED STANKE!"
"UNCLE SEIGFRIED?!?! MEIN GOTT! How do you know my uncle Seigfried?"
"He vas mein best friend and I must tell you that... he has passed on."
"I am sad but I must admit zat I barely knew him..."
"Yes, he vas in ze territories professionally wrestling vile you ver a child. HE went home to chermany and vas looking for you ven he heard about you liffing in America."
"Vell, thank you for the information. I'm sorry but I must go and drink more. I am not very happy."
"I CANNOT VORRY ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC LOVELIFE! I HAVE COME HERE FOR A REASON! Your uncle has sent to give you a SECRET!"
"Okay, tell me and zen leave me alone."
"No. You do NOT UNDERSTAND! I AM HERE..... TO GIVE YOU... ZEEEE SECRET OV......
ZE CLAWWW!"
- Rikishi's slowgroove is SOOO already the greatest thing I've ever heard.
- Benoit does a mini-Royal Rumble against the FBI and I'm stoked. Johnny the Bull does weird battle royal stalling spots to annoy me. Bull taps to the Sharpshooter and I'm stoked about Chuck Palumbo vs Benoit. Palumbo goes up big for the suplex and they eliminate Johnny in a comically contrived manner. Mmmmm, Greek wine is all earthy and loving. Chuck taps but he's still in. Nunzio throws real shitty forearms. Nunzio does take a nasty bump to the floor. Benoit punches out of the powerbomb- the same way that ruled when he did it against Nash on Nitro back inna day. Palumbo hits the floor pretty soon afterward. Not like any good wrestling, but I love anything that has the story centered around the Canadian Crippler because he motherfucking RULES.
- Eddy and Chavo and the Bashams have a little match to keep you from suffering from another installment of Turwellian. Eddy cheats like a motherfucker with the tag rope and I am thrilled and chilled. They do HI-larious Reverse Southern Tag Spots and I love the wacky psychology of the match. Eddy throws nice punches. Shaniqua cheats to TRANSITION~! and we're straight to the MicroTouch commercial. I need that for the hideous nosehair and grotesque lower back hair that has sprouted up. Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... mebbe even to trim myyyyyyyy.... OOP! Here we go. Luckily, they went to a creepy set of commercials to keep me awake while the Bashams go on offense, a tag team that will make noone forget Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard. Unfortunately, the crowd had to watch all of it and it hurts the heat- what with everybody drooling on their shirts as they sleep. Chavo and the ref argue and the Bashams beat down Eddy and the crowd wakes up. Chavo gets the crowd into the match more and the Bashams are perfectly fine trying to draw as much heel heat as the most boring wrestlers not named Kidman can muster. Shaniqua needs to get involved more. Danny with the powerbomb and Chavo makes the save. They have some nice neartags and the tag-in is suitably hot hot hot! Double Piscadas! Doug and Shaniqua cheat with a Schoolboy-variation Finish! Chavo turns evil and lets the Bashams kill Eddy. Chavo is great being torn while letting Eddy get killed. Chavo throws the sweetest punch in the history of Smackdown. THAT'S a fabulous heelturn. RUDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Eddy blades like a fucking champ. This was fucking AWWWWWWESOME. FUCKING AWWWWESOME.
- A-Train. I like A-Train. Sure. Perfectly fine power wrestler. Better than the Warlord. John Cena gets all topical and shit. A-Train throws punches 9 inches over Cena's head but he does throw funny lookin clubbin forearms so I am satiated. A-Train also drops a nice Elbowdrop. Cena makes great faces while being strangled- as if A-Train was telling him about what Bradshaw did to him in the shower when he first came in from OVW. Cena with a nice second rope elbow and crappy looking fistdrop- but the shittiest looking fistdrop is still 90% better than anything else. The F-U looks weak.
- Eddy is great looking all weak and broken and disconnected while Angle is apologizing. I can't wait for Angle and Chavo vs Eddy and Benoit.
- Rey Rey vs Akio is perfectly fine. Akio should never throw a punch ever again. He does drive his groin into the ringpost like a champ though. And he will drive his own skull between his shoulderblades when taking the Spingboard Frankensteiner. Yes, he will.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Billy Gunn sucks when he isn't faking like he is fucking Chuck. That was a fine mullet though in the highlight reel. Sorta like the keyboard player for Confederate Railroad or something.
- Hardcore and Josh don't really have the kind of sexual tension that Big Show and Josh have. Paul Heyman being all creepy around Nidia is fun.
- Nidia versus Tajiri would have worked if Rey Rey ended up mounting Nidia while wearing an El Hijo del Billy Dee Williams mask or if Tajiri opted to wrestle the match without his pants but wore an assless confederate flag loincloth en lieu.... But they didn't so this didn't.
- Jesus fucking Christ, how many times are they going to show the commercial for that fucking modeling show? I mean, what the fuck? Fuck those anorexic bitches! HIT MY MUSIC! I want 'em real thick and juicy So find that juicy double Mix-a-Lot's in trouble Beggin' for a piece of that bubble So I'm lookin' at rock videos Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes You can have them bimbos I'll keep my women like Flo Jo A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya I won't cuss or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna [make love] Til the break of dawn Baby got it goin' on A lot of simps won't like this song 'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it And I'd rather stay and play 'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong And I'm down to get the friction on BABY GOT BACK!
- The Big Show I got no problem with. Bob Holly STINKS! STIIINK! STIIINKS! (Yeah, what happened to Nunzio's gambling ring?) Street fight with no blood? Suck MAH DICK. That was better than it should have been but lack of blood is too irritating to forgive.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.