your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/18/2003!
I'm a little late. AND YOU'RE THE DADDY! Wait. No, I'm a little late because all three of my younguns are sick and we had to medicate them and put them to sleep. We got these 25 gift certificates for Christmas turkeys at work and the wife finagled Kroger into applying it to the Thursday booze purchase... so yes... the best of all possible boozes. Yes. Free boozes. Chug-a-lug, my brother. I'm drunk, you edit.
WHAT WORKED-
- Why did everybody who surrounded Hardcore Holly look exactly like Hardcore Holly. Is there actually going to be a Hardcore Holly Hit SQUAD!? God, I hope not. I think it's more like Micheal Jordan and Stone Cold Steve Austin have pretty much allowed guys with lil peckers to sublimate with a simple bald head, as opposed to buying a Testerosa or something. C'mon guys, keep America working. Buy a fucking car and grow your mullets back out. Fucking pussies.
- I'm guessing that Holly and Moore will beat Morgan and A-Train with A-Train throwing the match. I see that Heyman isn't actually booking because I could see this a mile away. But they are pushing Shannon Moore (kinda) so I'm all bout it.
- Ooooooo. I hate a fatal fourway. Ooooooooo. I love a free 6 of Saranac Adirondack Trail Mix and a free six of sweet sweet Magnum malt liquor. This was a buncha stuff. Rikishi is stinkfacing a face team? I CANNOT SUMMON THE TURDWELLIAN TO THAT!!! Shelton Benjamin does a nice CAPTURE suplex and Scotty 2 Hotty has a perfectly fine elbow drops. Eddy goes all Arena Mexico to set up everybody wanting to see the Bashams get their faces mushed around in Rikishi's manly pungent ass. Turdwellian is pleased. We go to a commercial. This is kinda working but I'm writing this in the PREDETERMINED WHAT DIDn'T WORK column. Hey, maybe I should let y'all know when I move one of these. I'm sure you, the beloved reader, also figure out if something is going to work or not work before it begins. It says something about you and me, doesn't? I feel closer to you now than I've ever felt. Can I... touch you? WAIT! Hardee's has a fucking PORKCHOP BISCUIT! If that doesn't make you proud to be an American, then I don't want to know you. Can I...Can I.... touch you? Hey, we're back! Scotty 2 Hotty looks like shit standing there, but he can still move well enough so he should avoid the steroids and avoid that Wrestling Heart Attack at 36. Bashams punch okay, I think. they edit them too much. Shelton Benjamin is vicious in this and he is the star so far. Scotty sells an ass-beating and this turns into a normal 8 man tag for all intents and purposes. Then Chavo tags in and it goes back to a four way as Eddy attacks Scotty and the Bashams and TWGTT go at it. Then it's the Lucha Thousand finishers sequence. If all 8 could run the ropes at once and this would be straight off a Tijuana undercard. Bashams win and they try to act like they cheated. It's a Four Way. If you win, you Win.
- Oh fuck it. Dawn Marie is dressed like Vampirella and 37 year old fathers of three sprint to the terlit to toast a load over their stained green sweatpants onto the tile floor. YEAH! I don't give a fuck what I ever said, VAMPIRELLA RULES ALL. Fuck, A-Train could wear a Vampirella outfit and I would toast a load to it.
- Jamie Noble escorts Nidia to the ring. Rey Rey will make all this work well. The first part is a bunch of Malenko-Guerrerro opening stuff that I think I've seen too much now. I won't be a dick and whine about perfectly fine wrestling. Noble bumps inexplicably out of the Camel Clutch. Noble bumps into the pole and Rey Rey hits a BEAUTIFUL moonsault. Rey is fucking awesome with the elaborate headscissors. Rey Rey with the STO Into The Roll-up. Rey Rey Bumpos FUCKING HUGE missing the 619. Noble bumps EVERYBODY and his Tiger Driver is turned into a roll-up for the three and I'm upset because Cole uses the word "Damn" completely wrong FOUR times in succession.
- I go to make my terlit very unhappy. When I return, Chuck and Benoit are wrestling. That's gonna be good. Chuck is fucking AWESOMe early on with the punches and kicks. Chuck wants to be my boyfriend because he whips out the ............................... CRAVATE! and I'm in love. God, Benoit will lean into the offense and Chuck is fired up. He whips out ANOTHER CRAVATE! Chuck is soooo top 50 in the DVDVR Top 500 on February 1st. Benoit makes his first comeback with a Crippler Crossface. then he hits the Locomotion German and the Diving Headbutt. Chuck cheats to w...2 COUNT! they show a replay and they come back and Chuck is tapping to the Crossface. They set up Benoit versus the FBI. yes they so. Lemme hit this Saranac Pale Ale and contemplate Benoit versus Johnny the Bull.
- hey RHYNO! He and Bradshaw are going to fight again! Oh wait! Bradshaw is pestering our brave fighting men in the showers of Iraq~! Farooq comes out instead! Farooq does a SWEET forearm to the back. AND THE FOREARMS ARE CLUBBING! AH BE STILL MY BEATING HEART! Rhyno's Forearms club with the beauty and elegance of any forearms I've ever seen. Farooq hits a nice Sidewalk Slam. A lowblow and they call it a DQ? WHAT THE FUCK?!? Other than the shitty ending, Farooq makes it all worthwhile.
- Heyman no-selling the assault of the WWE WHORULONs will ALWAYS work.
- The rigged lottery will also always work. Shannon Moore is fun but Brock is AWESOME selling for the tyke. This is short but they have the whole tag match with a broken Moore next. Look at all the work they had to do to make this match interesting to me. Moore sells and bumps like a KING for Morgan and A-Train and you can tell he is from North Carolina because he is the most Southern Face In Peril you could ever want. Hardcore Holly is soooo not as good as Robert Gibson. A-Train bumps big and tries to make Holly's astoundingly shitty punches look less horrendously shitty. Holly's comeback is fun. The finish is kinda anti-climatic- prolly because that has to be the shittiest finish ever. Good lil match though- mostly because A-Train and Moore will go the extra mile.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Big Show beat up that Black Greg Luganis guy. It wasn't horrendous or anything- but it was pretty pointless. Cena and the WWE going to Iraq is pretty cool IF the Iron Shiekh does a run in. It's still pretty cool. Wrestling is a healing artform and Iraqi is in need of healing.
- Ernest the Cat Miller and Lamont are in the ring. Sable comes to the ring and interrupts Ernest dancing. She walks like she just blew the drummer for Kingdom Come and she is pissed that she had experience the love of the Cat. "Hot Cat SHUGAH!" Tiny-penised Vince comes to the ring and he can't understand the large love of the Cat. WAIT. Is LINDA gonna come out and start sucking Cat's dick? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHY NOT?!?!? Instead, they kick Cat in the dick and we DON'T GET Linda McMahon satisfying Cat's earthy urban love. DO THESE FUCKING SHITHEADS EVEN <<<TRY>>> TO UNDERSTAND WHAT II WANT TO SEE?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK! Okay... if NEXT WEEK they can get Linda into the Vampirella outfit...
- Josh pisses off Holly. Holly is funny talking all angry like he is giving a witness on the Christian channel on UHF. He should call Brock a "Backstabbeh! Whoremongah! LET EVERY DEVIL KNOW! GOD SENT A STAH!" (This was actually what the guy on the channel 39 in Richmond was saying as I was typing.)
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.