WHAT WORKED
I'm
starting to really dig the MAD TV I see before the comical so-called wrestling
show starts. The old guy doing stand-up thing was funny. Plus all the incestuous
vomiting. AMANDA BEARSE~!
Chavo
looks frickin great. Kidman's offense was so Indie Cruiserweight 97 crappy
and the Junior world has passed him by- but the bumps were big. The Gory
Special counter fun and the Not-Nearly-As-Fun-As-A-GoryBomb-But-A-Fun-Little-Variation
was neato. Kidman takes it straight into 1998 with the Falcon Arrow and
we have a fun little finishers sequence. The Black Cat DDT by Chavo was
neato. The You-Can't-Powerbomb-Me Facebuster is so super-annoying four
years later and- as a finisher- is extra-super-annoying. Not annoying enough
for me not to like the match. Chavo is fucking fabulous wrestling in the
wrestling vacuum.
Albert
vs Hugh Morris was a fun little power match. Albert does an Ode To Steve
Williams early with the Oklahoma Stampede and then hits a nice Lariat.
Then is got all stiff-choppy. It faulters as Morris hits some shitty punches
for the TEN COUNT! Albert does the Greg Valentine sell of the Avalanche
and then Morris hits a really nice lardo Toprope Elbow. Then Albert goes
for a DIFFERENT Hashimoto-esque Avalanche that misses, but Albert hits
the Cowboy Bill Erwin jumpy front kick- EVEN WITH THE MEMORY OF THE DEATH
OF DALE TORBORG'S PUSH and subsequent career STILL FRESH IN HIS HEAD! Good
match. Odd Main Event.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
Test
and Christian against Mark Henry and Farooq was quite the three heaping
scoops of shit on a waffle cone. Christian's punches are a .0000000003
on the Dick Murdock Credible Punches scale, but he did bump well enough
to add a few candy sprinkles to this fecal triple dip. Test sucks but not
as much as Mark Henry. Farooq is the stiff that channels Luger this week-
what with HORRRRIBLE clotheslines and the most business exposing punches
since those one's that Test threw a minute earlier. At least Test threw
some nice Lariats in the corner before Hercules Hernandez '02 no-sold them.
How did Christian get wrangled into the ring with these three crappy loads?
The
editing of the HHH vs Jericho recap almost gave me an epileptic seizure.
Quick edits are so 1989. Go to a film festival and get with the new millenium.
The fact that the downward spiral of the WWE is alot like the tracking
shot of the car wreck in Jean-Luc Godard's WEEKEND is completely lost on
these guys. Like I'm kidding! IT IS! God!
They
set up MORE of the white hot Godfather vs Farooq angle as Funaki comes
out to be beaten to death by Godfather. Jesus Christ, Godfather- you can
lay in the kicks a little. It IS fucking national TV and he was in BattlARTS.
Your not going to kick him harder than Minoru Tanaka did. Funaki is the
Occidental Lee Scott, being small enough to fly really high when being
squashed a shitty useless stiff. WOW! That Godfather sure can beat the
shit out of those little pussy-assed cruiserweights!! This sucked it until
the tonsils get the high-viscosity coating.
God,
the Undertaker vs Hogan recap is great because I know- in my heart of hearts-
that I won't ever actually SEE them wrestle each other. It also reminds
me that UT got rid of the long hair and the hat so that his tiny tiny creepy
baby teeth come back to the forefront. He looks like he did in the NWA-
just like the big lummox who had the midget on his shoulders in MAD MAX:
BEYOND TO THUNDERDOME. They should do an angle where UT is powerbombed
through a table and has to have brain surgery and he could come back bald,
screeching, crosseyed and managed by the Camera Midget who is fucking all
the Divas. Can't you see it! "All my ladies love my sweet sweet lil feller
loving! I AM A SEXUAL DYNAMO! A FIREPLUG OF STEAMING WHITE HOT LOVE ACTION!
HERE! LOOK AT THE PICTURES! THAT'S ME AND JACKIE! TELL EM ABOUT IT TAKER!"
"UUUUUAAARRRRRRRRHHH! AUAAAAAAAAAARHHH!"
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN