To counter program against what was looking like the worst PPV in the history of man, the WWF put out probably the best Heat ever. Woo-Hoo Wrestling!!!!
What Worked
Ladies and
Gentleman, Gangrel and Taka put on the best match in the short run of Heat.
Win, Place and Show. These two have a match plucked right off of Nitro
as they do lots of actual wrestling. Taka only does one choppy choppy gesture
during the match so he's not a complete goof. He can't really be a dick
because all finger gesturing is reserved for Austin. But let's see Austin
hit the sitting dropkick which looks really cool. Of course, that came
on the heels of the SUPREME Asai Moonsault where Taka rotated about 345
degrees. Gangrel introduces Taka's neck to the canvas on a boss Tiger suplex.
They did blow the face buster out of the powerbomb but they were trying.
I mean Gangrel even throws in some modified Northern Lights Suplex. The
reverse out of the Michinoku Driver into the suplex DDT was really righteous.
How people can still think David Heath is not good is beyond me. Oh I forgot,
since the Undertaker is the King of Pancrase and Kane is still allowed
to walk, they must be God's gift to wrestling.
Hey
Jeff Jarrett, welcome back to the world of wrestling. This feud with X-
Pac was the best thing that could happen to him. He dumps the goofy gimmick
(the glowing hat and glowing horse WERE NOT cool) and along with it the
really annoying things that came with it (strutting, resting on the turnbuckles).
What's left is someone who can have a decent match when carried. Since
Shawn Michaels is laid up, X-Pac is the answer. If you get in the ring
with someone who has nearly paralyzed himself and then is will to come
back and try again, you better strap on your working boots or go get an
application from Denny's. Jarrett does the former as he allows himself
to get kicked in the face a couple of times. He even morphs into Jeff Jarrett
circa 1989 as he hits a dropkick right to Waltman's chin. This match also
has something unheard of in a Heat broadcast. A commercial break. It wasn't
really necessary but hey the match was long. The fact that a Lumberjack
match was the gimmick of choice tonight, you have to expect screwjobs galore
but instead of the double DQ as all the lumberjacks brawl, you get Mark
Canterbury doing a pump-handle suplex into a powerslam (patent #012775HOLYSHIT)
that kicked my ass, your ass and most especially X-Pac's ass. Mark Canterbury,
problem-solver.
When
you go to sleep you know that the sun will have risen in the east when
you wake up. It is just one of those things that you know. Vader realized
that the same thing applied to his feet. He can't see them but he knows
they are there so he might as well use them. I guess some WWF officials
finally went up to Vader and told him you better start doing something
or else on Friday he will be wrestling Kawabata and they have Matsuzaki
lined up for him on Saturday.* A year and half ago, Vader and Shamrock
pounded each other around the ring. It wasn't exactly the same today but
it was a spirited affair and I will take that over a lot of other things
that the WWF could have put in the ring.
What Didn't Work
Sable decided
to really piss me off by not only ruining about 5 minutes of the show but
not even have the nerve to do it in person. SABLE ON PAC BLUE!!! U-S-A!
U-S-A! Hey now that Sable and Sid killed the powerbomb and Sable and Beulah
killed the top-rope rana can she go away?
Oh yeah,
in some other travesty of justice, Sable and Jackie will be having a evening
gown match on Raw. If we are really lucky, maybe an implant will burst
and at least we would get like a public service announcement out of it.
"Girls, don't get implants. Not only will your breasts be freakisly huge.
You will lose all feeling in your nipples and guys will stare only at your
chest when talking to you all the while chanting 'Show Us Your Tits'. You
will be the source of scorn and riducle for many an Internet geek. Then
finally one of them will explode in a horrible, horrible disaster. Go Natural."
While
Dustin Runnels decides to not only NOT rest on the Sabbath or turn the
other cheek, I have a slight issue with Mr. Venis. Your sign "I Have Come"
is passive. You always want to use active sentences. Therefore you sign
should have been phrased "I Came".
D-Lo
and Kane just kinda look at each other funny for a few minutes before the
WWF brass figures it is time to cram seven angles into one match. The Rock
and Kane set up a match. D-Lo keeps his title. Mark Henry gets slaughtered
again. The Undertaker still sucks. Oh, it's only four. My bad.
Who
let Ken Shamrock near the microphone? At least he doesn't sound like Ahmed
Johnson anymore but still. Well anyway, Austin and Shamrock don't actually
wrestle but they talk about it a lot. I'm glad to see some things never
change.
* It took me about 30 minutes to pull out
two Big Japan names so don't start complaining if they aren't in context.
Just accept it as a Big Japan joke and move on.
Phil Rippa